"Snape. Tell me why you and Evans aren't friends anymore," James ordered, popping out from behind the curtain in the infirmary.
He saw Padfoot sat beside Snape and Moony sat opposite to them. The smiles on their faces froze. Moony and Padfoot's hardening in the next moment.
He made the comment on a whim. He was wondering why Snape and Evans never got back to being friends, Snape would tail behind her every moment he had. Apologising.
Awkwardly fiddling with his fingers, Snape smiled slightly.
"I used to think I was bad James. A bad person," he said, gazing directly into James' eyes.
"I used to beat myself up for it any chance I got. I used to ask myself, 'How could you? Lily is the best thing to ever happen to you. You won't last a day without her. Look what you've done.'"
Taking a deep breath, he diverted his gaze from James momentarily.
He set his eyes on James once more. Smiling sadly. James could see the melancholy in his eyes.
"But you know what James? I'm sorry to her from the depths of my heart. I feel regretful beyond belief. I apologised to her countless of times. Begging her to forgive me."
James swallowed asking another question, "But she wasn't supposed to forgive you."
"That's true," he replied. Without skipping a beat.
"She's not obligated to forgive me, but am I supposed to forever wallow in my misery for a mistake that I genuinely regret? And before you tell me that I have to show that I'm sorry. For how long? For how long would I have to dwell in the past and cry over spilt milk? I apologised sincerely. I had to move on. I wish her all the best. No hard feelings."
Snape smiled ruefully at the end of that. James vaguely thought he saw Snape's eyes redden before he was tugged out of the infirmary.
"Are you happy now James? You successfully ruined his day!" Remus hissed, glaring daggers at him.
"I -- I..." James stuttered. Confused. He did not mean for it to go the way it did.
Moony released a sigh of frustration.
"Please go reflect on your actions James."
He left James being a mess.
Aimlessly walking through the halls. James contemplated. His feelings for Lily and Snape to be precise.
In the past week -- after his talk with Lily, he wondered why he was so uncomfortable with the idea that Lily did not defend Snape. All he knew was that it bothered him. More than he liked.
He could easily chalk it up to everyone around him defending Snape, so he was not used to somebody agreeing with him -- no that's not it. He never cared if people agreed with him or not.
Maybe he wanted Evans to disagree with him. He wanted to be reassured of the fact that Snape was not in the wrong, that James was spouting nonsense. He wanted someone else to remind him that Snape was innocent. Someone but Padfoot and Moony. A third party.
He exhaled as he crouched down and pulled at his hair, alone with his thoughts. The guilt was getting too much to handle, maybe that's why he so desperately wanted to blame Snape. He did not want the thoughts of how many times they ruined his life running rampant in his head. Sirius' confession about them being the root cause of this mess made it worse. Maybe that's why he wanted to hold on to his idea of blame.
Maybe he wants to believe that he is the embodiment of good, light in a world of darkness. Clinging onto the idea that Gryffindors are all good and that Slytherins are the evil ones.
A painful truth hit him like a thunderstorm, as the truth emerged deep within his mind at a speed so rapid he couldn't keep up with it. Like a dam finally opened. It rushed to him. It's force propelling him down.
James is the evil one. The one in the wrong, he became exactly what he hated. A tyrant, a bully, an ungrateful spoiled brat, a pompous pureblood, a self centred asshole. And most of all, a monster.
He choked on his tears, clutching his chest as he felt an unbearable pain.
The truth he wanted to ignore forced him to acknowledge its existence.
^_^^_^^_^
"You should be in class."
James whipped his head around to see the person that he least expected to meet -- Snape.
"I'd say the same about you," he muttered in reply, turning back to observing the lake. He felt Snape settle down beside him.
"I'm sorry," Snape said, tugging at the grass.
James snorted. How ironic, here he was thinking up strategies to apologise to Snape and pour out all his sincerity and guilt, yet Snape decides to pop up and tell him sorry.
Helplessly he asked, "What could you possibly be sorry for Snape?"
"I'm sorry for causing a wedge in your relationship with Remus and Sirius. To clear things up it was never my intention to put you and the others in harms way."
"Have you ever thought of letting them go? You were never too eager to let us get close to you."
Snape smiled sadly. That made James uncomfortable.
"I don't want to. I want to be selfish, keep them by my side you know?" He muttered, "It's pleasant being around them. They're bursts of colour in a world of gray-scale, persistent as well, I think you know that better than anyone. They help me believe that I'll come out of this better than ever."
Snape shook his head after that.
"What am I blabbering on about! I'm here to try and convince you to mend your friendship with those two idiots. I--"
He got cut off by James hugging him.
"James?" Snape asked.
"I'll only talk to them if you forgive me," he said, muffling his voice with Snapes shoulder.
Snape chuckled, "Of course I forgive you."
Pulling away from Snapes shoulder, "No. I mean for everything! Not just stupidly accusing you of this bullshit. I mean for all these years, for being no worse than that fucked up monster. I ruined so much for you. A healthy school life, a chance at making friends, a way for you to learn magic in a supportive environment, a chance at being your authentic self. I took so much away from you."
James burrowed his head back into Snapes shoulder, trying to hide his stinging and watering eyes.
"I'm really sorry. From the bottom of my heart."
Soon James felt his back and hair being stroked.
"I forgive you James. I really do," Snapes voice was hoarse.
James felt a great weight lift off his shoulder.
"Thank you Snape."
Whining, Snape complained, "I thought we were okay now, why won't you call me by my name?"
James laughed.
"Severus, thank you so much."
"Potter?"
That was not Severus. Lifting his head from Severus' shoulder, Lily Evans came in his line of sight.
Severus must have seen her because he froze. Rigidly getting out of James' hold and rushing away, leaving him without warmth.
"What was that?" Evans said, sharply.
James smiled. Still slightly giddy a bit, he could start over with Severus, a person he wronged over and over again.
"I just made up with someone awesome Evans. That's all."
She narrowed her eyes.
"That did not appear as you say, you were practically cuddling him."
This confused James. Evans had never shown any interest in the people he was around, no matter how ambiguous. He's tried making her jealous with that approach before -- by flirting with people in front of her. It never worked out. So why all of a sudden?
He shook his head to snap out of it, definitely not in the mood to deal with this.
"I shouldn't have to report myself to you Evans. And since when did you care who I cuddle? Last time I checked 'you couldn't care less.'"
Picking up his belongings, he left the stuttering girl and made his way to the castle, he also made a decision as he left. It was time to let go, let go of old fancies, old beliefs and traditions, all they did was hold him back. He was ready to try his luck with the person he's come to realize that he fancies, new traditions and things that are out of his comfort zone.
"Finally decided to come around?" Padfoot said, emerging from the shadows.
James grinned, at least he knew his friends would be with him through it all.
^_^^_^^_^
Wiping the sweat off his forehead, Severus groaned. Training with Dumbledore was a pain, who knew the old geezer had it in him to be prancing around and throwing curses at Severus with the energy of a veteran Quidditch player! His first day of training was the worst he's had in a long while.
"My dear boy, focus. Think about all the trouble this thing has caused for you. Think about how many people around you it has hurt. Only when you let your pent up emotions out can you conquer this obstacle."
He took a deep breathe, puling in all his emotions, negative and positive from the depths of his soul.
"Katastrefo," he said. Pointing at his target, a puppet by the Headmaster.
A raging ball of fire came shooting out of his wand. He tumbled over and fell.
When he stood up, he saw the puppet that had once resembled a scarecrow burnt to bits. The Headmaster emerged from the smoke, his beard and robe slightly charred.
He coughed, releasing soot, "Well my boy, we have to work on the force of your spell don't you think. Maybe concentrate large amounts of magic at one point instead of having it cover a large area."
He paused, coughing once more.
"Let's try again. But do allow me to conjure up another puppet for you to attack, I don't think the other one can be salvaged."
Author's Note: Hi lovelies! Finally posting the next chapter, dragged on for a long while because I was worried about the length, I think it's too short, I'm also trying to improve my writing. I hope I'm not disappointing. Also, this chapter wasn't really supposed to go the way it did. Anyway, I kinda enjoyed writing James' scene, where he's thinking about his actions. I hope you're having a good time wherever you are! Remember to stay safe, vote and comment. Happy reading:)