Food had no taste. Conversation drifted by, voices raised and lowered, deep and feminine tones, all of them familiar, but Alori didn't hear what they were saying. She stabbed at the meat on her plate until it fell apart, unable to take more than a few bites.
The grandfather clock at the back of the dining hall chimed the hour.
Taelan hadn't shown up for supper, but she would have been surprised if he'd come.
At one point she'd caught Reeve eyeing her quizzically behind his wine goblet, but he'd looked away before she could chide him over his lack of manners; which was convenient, since she would have regretted snapping at him. Out of everyone, Reeve certainly didn't deserve her ire.
She lingered at the table long after those who had stayed for dessert wandered off. Even the staff cleared out, pretending to ignore her uncharacteristic melancholy.
"Ali."
A gloved hand came down on her forearm, dainty fingers twining around her wrist.
"Ali?" The frustrated lilt in the speaker's voice hinted that this likely wasn't only the second time they'd called her name. "Alori Darosa Villenata, what in the five hells is the matter with you?"
Alori slowly swiveled her head toward the squawking voice.
Liahfey stared down at her. The freckles on the bridge of her sister's nose stood out against her flushed skin. It was impressive that the second princess could look so effortlessly beautiful, even when she was red-in-the-face mad.
"Oh, hello there. Do I finally have Her Majesty's attention?"
Alori shrugged.
"My goddess, something is seriously wrong, isn't it? Are you sure you're not still possessed by that demon?"
Alori dropped her fork onto her plate with a loud clatter, backing out of her chair just as noisily. If her sister thought being funny would lighten the mood, she should have saved her breath.
"Excuse me," Alori grumbled. "I'm going to bed."
"But it's still early." Liahfey glanced at the clock as if to confirm she hadn't been thrown into a time warp, winding up in an alternate reality with an alternate morose version of her older sister.
Seemingly satisfied that time and space were undisturbed, she turned back to Alori, leaning in close. "Where's Taelan? I noticed he didn't come to supper. Did you two have a fight? You've only just been affianced, Ali!" She raised a hand to the side of her mouth, whispering, "Father gave him the silver collar this afternoon. He didn't tell me, but I checked his cabinet. You know what I'm talking about, don't you? It was gone."
Taelan had the matrimonial collar? That meant her father had given him permission to accept her proposal. Taelan was supposed to fasten the engraved necklace around Alori's throat, as physical evidence of their engagement.
"Do you ever mind your own business Lia?" Alori huffed, straightening her corset and skirts.
None of this was helping her headache.
"Minding my own business is boring."
The air around her sister was sweet like sugared lemons. The scent followed Alori down the main corridor, all the way to the grand staircase.
"It's boring when you're me, at any rate." Liahfey sighed dramatically. "I have nothing so interesting as a new lover and engagement. You're so lucky, Ali."
Alori swung around, nearly colliding with the enormous skirt of her sister's brightly colored taffeta gown. She didn't understand why Liahfey chose to wear shades and fabrics out of season so often, but her sister had never seemed to care about trifling things like tradition or what was deemed appropriate by royal standards. The second princess had become famous for her fashion trends, which meant that the frilly chartreuse confection presently exploding from her waist like a hurricane of spring leaves, would probably be next month's gown of choice throughout the court.
"Don't tell me I'm lucky," Alori hissed, pointing a finger at the huge, outrageous skirt and the indomitable girl wearing it. "You weren't there yesterday when the shieldmage was slain by Dantalion, when one of the guards was murdered right in front of me. I almost died, and then you would have been queen. Is that what you want, Liahfey, to be me?"
She collected herself and continued up the stairs, her glove sliding slowly up the banister. Her anger ran deeper than yesterday's trauma, but she wasn't about to share the details of Taelan's confession with a gossipy girl who thrived on theatrics.
"I'm sorry, that's awful." Liahfey matched her step for step, speaking in a light, soothing tone. "But at least you weren't alone. Taelan was with you, right? You finally found your bard prince, and he seems to really care for you."
Liahfey should have been counting her blessings, not swooning over someone else's relationship, which she had no business making assumptions about. Yesterday had been a close call, and Alori doubted romance would be on her sister's mind today if things had gone differently.
They'd made it to the last stair. The grand entrance was a vignette of gleaming marble and polished wood, far below them. Had it always been such a far drop down?
Alori squeezed the banister. "What makes you think Taelan cares so much for me?"
"Anyone with eyes can see the way he looks at you. I wish a man would look at me that way."
A certain glow lit the younger girl's soft, doll-like features. With a face like that, Liahfey wouldn't be waiting long for a decent suitor. Though she wasn't yet eighteen, the second princess had already rebuffed a few older men, among them Prince Inigo of Cardosia. Despite his wealth and strategic alliance with the Ville-Realms, Liahfey hadn't given the arrogant needle-nose the time of day, which was a minor relief. It would have been a headache if she'd fancied the southern prince and Alori had been forced to forbid the marriage. The Villenatas could marry whomever they wanted, insofar as they were a lawful resident of the Ville-Realms. Moving to foreign lands and mixing bloodlines outside the country's borders was forbidden.
The goddess' magic was to remain concentrated where it had been bestowed, and where it was most useful. Alori hadn't created the law, but she planned to uphold it.
"I watched you up on the observation deck last night, just for a minute." Liahfey held up her hands to emphasize her innocence. "When Taelan pulled you into his arms–" maybe not so innocent, after all "– I may have been jealous. Slightly. He's a bit short for my taste."
Alori swatted her sister's hands. "He's not that short."
"You say that because you're even shorter." Liahfey chuckled, rubbing her wrists.
Alori turned away from the mezzanine and continued down the main corridor of the family's private wing. Images of their ancestors gazed down at her from framed portraits hanging on the walls. Some smiled or preened, while others were stone-faced. A few bounced between expressions, a feature of the spellpaper's enchantment.
Was the way Taelan looked at her really something special? The intensity of his stare had burned into her from that first morning on the Conservatory's mainstage, and he'd never stopped looking at her like that, as if he was desperate to convey a message.
If she'd been asked yesterday, Alori might have said she knew what he'd wanted her to understand, but now she wasn't sure. "I love you. Forgive me. I made a terrible mistake." Taelan might have been trying to tell her any number of things. For all she knew, he didn't even know what he was trying to say.
Did Taelan genuinely love her? After his secrets and confessions, was it still possible? She'd accused him of obsessing over an idea, of idolizing the fantasy of a princess who didn't exist, but she didn't want to believe it. She wanted him to love her truly, the way she loved him, regardless of everything else.
She peered absently at the floor as she walked the memorized path back to her apartments. Her emotions felt misshapen and foreign, as if they belonged to someone else and didn't quite fit inside her. When she came to her door, her fingers hovered over the knob. She wanted to hide, wanted Taelan to go away so she wouldn't have to face him again with that dreadful chasm between them. But she also wanted to run to him, wrap herself in his arms, and cry along with him.
How could someone be both the problem and the solution? It made no logical sense.
Liahfey stood opposite her in the hallway outside their respective doors. When they were younger they'd spent most of their nights in Alori's apartments together, but lately they'd stopped seeing as much of each other. They were growing up and facing new responsibilities, now. Alori regretted the time they'd lost, and hoped that one day they would be close again. Maybe they could have a sleepover soon to discuss their unlucky love lives, but tonight was not that night.
She glanced at her sister fondly. "Lia, don't fall in love. Relationships are too complicated."
Liahfey leaned against her door, grinning. "You know me, big sister, I flourish in complication."
Alori scoffed, shaking her head, but she couldn't disagree. Liahfey had gone through more friends than Alori could count on two hands. Things had been quiet recently, but where her sister was concerned, that probably meant a storm was on the horizon. She could only imagine the drama that would ensue when Ville-Saseum's most influential beauty queen found herself a beau. The fallout was likely to be epic.
"Thank you for trying to cheer me up," she whispered. "I'm sorry for lashing out at you. My situation is a bit off the hinge right now, and I don't know how to fix it."
"Maybe you don't need to fix it." Liahfey shrugged, crossing her arms. "You might not be able to close a door off its hinge, but there's never a problem opening it."
"Are you making up nonsense proverbs now?" Frankly, Alori was impressed her sister had come up with such a clever quip.
"It's not nonsense. An unhinged door is only half broken, which means it's worth repairing. That's the way I see it."
If only it were that simple.
"It's a nice sentiment, but I wouldn't go around repeating it." Alori slipped around her door. "I'll see you tomorrow... Oh, and Lia?"
Liahfey turned back from within her firelit antechamber, her sandy eyebrows arched.
"Sorry, but you'll have to find someone new to set your sights on. Reeve already has a partner he's madly in love with."
♪♫♪
"Tomoko!" Alori jolted away from the door as soon as it was closed. Her heavily pregnant lady's maid was in her bedchamber, tiptoeing to hang one of her traveling gowns back inside her wardrobe.
She hadn't expected anyone in her apartments, and certainly not Tomoko, who was supposed to be on maternity leave.
"Heylin's hope," Alori muttered to herself, a hand pressed to her heart, "you scared me. Not that I'm unhappy to see you, but what are you doing here?"
Tomoko's long black hair swayed around her body like a cape as she turned around. The young woman's stomach looked even rounder than it had five days ago when Alori had left for the Conservatory.
"Your Highness, I'm sorry for frightening you. I was asked to deliver a parcel to your room and noticed your trunks were still packed."
"I don't like you going up and down all those stairs. The baby must be coming any day now, you should be resting."
"Jeritte insisted it was an important parcel, and asked that I deliver it at once. And who knows, the stairs might speed up my labor."
Alori sighed. "I'll have a word with Jeritte." The housekeeper had no business bossing around her lady's maid, especially after Alori had relieved Tomoko of her duties. "In the future, ignore her orders, you're not a housemaid. She should have known better than to send you up."
She crossed the room to her bedside table, where a couple of missives had been left for her. The unbroken seals on the back of the envelopes gave no cause for alarm. They were letters from old childhood companions she rarely saw anymore apart from requisite royal functions a few times a year.
"Where is this parcel, then?" she asked, laying the envelopes back down on her nightstand.
"I placed it on your counterpane. Don't you think the pretty paper just matches your shams?"
A small wrapped package sat atop Alori's bed, propped between two pale pink pillows. The wrapping paper was cream colored, printed with miniature pink roses. It reminded Alori of the wallpaper from her room at the Ville-Tokki Inn.
"I'll let myself out so you can open your gift in privacy, my lady."
Alori glanced up from the bed, hoping her nerves didn't show. "Why don't you stay and see what I've gotten?" She gestured to the rocking chair beside her nightstand. "Give your feet a moment to rest before using the stairs again. Besides, I wouldn't mind the company."
"If you insist..."
Tomoko's smile was brimming with suppressed excitement as she lowered herself into the wooden rocker. Alori picked up the parcel, which was small but heavier than it looked. The wrapping came off easily, revealing the unfolded top of a reinforced paper box. Lying inside was the collar Liahfey claimed their father had given Taelan, along with sprigs of yellow winter jasmine and a folded note.
Alori lifted the crisp white paper from the bed of jasmine blossoms, holding it up to the lamplight. The message wasn't terribly long. The author's penmanship was admirable, if a bit loose and scrawling. She'd seen its likeness many times, on countless pages of transcribed sheet music.
She hadn't expected Taelan's handwriting alone might make her cry.
My Dearest Alori,
Last night I told you that the first time I saw you, I thought you were made of starlight. I was young and naïve, with my head in the clouds, but what I didn't tell you was that I never stopped believing it.
Only someone whose heart shines as brightly as yours would risk her life to protect people she'd never met, and tolerate the weakness of a shallow, broken man who'd made a game and a mockery out of the most important decision of your life.
I don't expect or deserve your forgiveness, I realize that now. For too long I convinced myself the past didn't matter, so that I might be worthy of you. I wanted you so badly, and swore I'd let nothing stop me. But when I saw the horror in your eyes today, I finally understood how selfish I've been, and how close I came to pulling you down with me.
I'm sorry for the pain I've caused. I hope that one day you'll find someone whose love heals instead of hurts you.
Thank you for the warmth you shared with me, I will remember it always.
Yours,
Taelan
Tears spilled onto the page, smudging Taelan's words. Alori shook out the paper, then refolded it into a small square and tucked it into the top drawer of her nightstand. She pressed a hand to her chest to ease her shallow, ragged breathing.
"My lady, do you need a restorative?"
Tomoko waddled over to the cabinet where the emergency supply of herbal medicines and tonics were stored, along with rolls of simple bandages and a pamphlet on basic mending.
Alori waved her hand. "No. Please sit, Tomoko."
Shadows hiding inside the box were no match for the bright jasmine blossoms and the sleek metallic necklace lying atop them. She lifted the molded collar, holding it between her hands. It was a simple construction, designed to look delicate although it was made of platinum, one of the strongest metals on Eala.
She hadn't seen it since before her mother passed away.
Tomoko gasped. "That's the matrimonial collar, isn't it? Does that mean–?"
"It isn't a proposal. Taelan sent it back to me. Please don't tell anyone."
"Oh no." The maid hung her head, her hands resting on her rising stomach. "It's not my place to ask, but, do you know why he would do such a thing?"
Alori nodded. "We discovered we're little more than strangers."
She licked a salty tear from her lips, staring blankly at the collar. Her mother had always seemed so elegant and sophisticated, Alori had found it hard to believe that one day she would be woman enough to wear the necklace herself.
She'd never guessed that when the time came, she would feel such ambivalence over the decision.
"The past few days were a whirlwind, but Taelan stood by me when it mattered. I thought we were a match, but now I fear there are some things even love cannot undo."
"Did this happen today?" Tomoko tapped her belly with her fingertips. Her dark eyes, ringed in thick long lashes, gleamed with concern.
"Yes. Just before supper."
"Oh dear. You're both still so young. But if you love each other, then I'm sure whatever is between you can be resolved. I remember what young love feels like. You know, it wasn't so long ago that I experienced it myself. Emotions run high, the good and the bad. There's nothing like it... but it isn't easy."
"No," Alori agreed, "it isn't. I do love Taelan." It was the first time she'd said it out loud. "But he told me something about his past, and now I can't see him in the same light."
"Ah... Was he a bit of a rake? My Lawri was. I used to be filled with anxiety, convinced that he hadn't put his past behind him." Tomoko leaned into the rocker until her small, swollen feet came off the ground. The hint of a smile touched her lips. "I've changed my mind, as you can tell. Men do grow up, it just takes them longer."
"Taelan isn't a rake." Alori squeezed the bridge of her nose, wishing she could relax for even a moment. Blubbering wouldn't grant her the clarity of mind she so desperately needed. "He's more of a victim of circumstance. It wouldn't be right for me to tell his story, but it's devastating, Tomoko. He was tricked into something terrible."
"The poor man," Tomoko murmured, rubbing her hips.
Poor Taelan? Well, yes, but...
A knock sounded at the door, three soft taps.
Alori panicked, dropping the collar back onto its cushion of yellow flowers. She flipped the top of the box closed and hastily pushed it across the bed. For the space of a heartbeat she feared it was Taelan behind the door, coming to confirm she'd received his parting gift. But that was about as likely as Liahfey minding her own business. Taelan was too humiliated to face her. She knew he wouldn't come.
Tomoko hopped to her feet before Alori could yell at her for overexerting herself. "Good evening, Your Majesty," she said, stepping out of Alori's line of sight as the antechamber door opened.
The king stood in the hallway, dressed even more casually than earlier, minus his cravat and suit coat. He inclined his head to Tomoko, who was still in possession of the door's handle, her other hand braced under her stomach.
Propriety kept his gaze trained on the maid instead of venturing further into the room. "Is my daughter here?"
"Yes, I'm here." Alori tossed a pillow sham over Taelan's parcel before going to the door. "I'm sorry I didn't find you after supper, father. I... had a headache."
"I noticed you seemed out of sorts. Have the menders gotten a look at you since you've been home?"
"Yes. It wasn't related to that, but it's gone now. We can have that talk you promised." She gestured to the quiet corridor. "Shall we take a walk around the family wing?"
The king's worried brow smoothed over. "That would be nice."
"Don't rush out," Alori said, addressing Tomoko who was still standing by the door. "I'll speak to Jeritte tomorrow morning."
"Thank you, my lady." The maid dipped into a shallow curtsey, drawing out the sides of her loose purple skirt. "I'm glad I got to see you before the baby comes. I'll make sure you're notified when the little one makes his grand appearance."
"Or her appearance." Her father's focus fell momentarily to the maid's belly, a smile tilting his lips. "It isn't only the royal line that favors girls in this city."
Tomoko's cheeks colored. "That's true, Your Majesty. Maybe it will be a little girl."
"And perhaps one day your child and my granddaughter will be playmates. It will be nice to hear the laughter of young children in these halls again."
"That would be wonderful!"
Alori's mouth went dry. Her father was talking about grandchildren, already?
But of course he was. Alori had gone to the Conservatory with a mission. It was no wonder he expected the collar to appear on her throat any day now. A wedding was on the horizon, as far as anyone knew, and then the natural progression of things would follow.
If she married Taelan.
Her father led her down the hallway while Tomoko slipped off toward the backstairs. Alori clenched her teeth at the sound of the pregnant woman's heavy retreating footfalls and winded breathing. But she had to remain focused.
"Don't forget why I asked you on this walk, father." Her spine stiffened for fear of what he might say, now that they were alone.
The king chuckled lightly. "Are you worried I'm going to ask when I can expect my first grandchild?"
"No," Alori lied, bile rising in her throat. "It's a bit early for that talk, though, don't you think?"
"Is it?" He gave her a pointed look. "Fine, fine, as you wish, sweetheart. Come along."
Alori had no desire to wonder what his undertone might have meant. Her father was just about the last person she wanted to discuss the specifics of her love life with.
They walked for a few minutes in companionable silence, Alori taking deep breaths to steady herself for the questions she needed to ask, her heeled steps sinking into the plush carpet with pacifying regularity.
The layout of the second floor was the same as its twin one level lower, except there were more windows with a better view. If it were daytime and cloudless, there would have been a spectacular sight distance of the Ville-You mountain vistas to the north or the pastoral plains to the south, but at night the maids swept curtains across the windows.
Alori stopped in front of one and pushed aside the thick velvet fabric, just enough to peer out at the shimmering dark sky and dots of multi-colored magelights below. "Father, was Dantalion speaking the truth?"
"Perhaps a bastardized version of it." The king stepped up beside her, drawing the curtain wide to allow himself an equal view. "Ville-Saseum was once undeveloped territory, long ago. Our ancestors emigrated from many different countries, settling on the surrounding land to worship near the holy land. Ville-Saseum was never intended for development, but a scourge of demons ascended here, hells bent on desecration. They scorched everything, until nothing remained but a burnt, dead husk. In retribution, as you well know, the goddesses descended to the world and bestowed our people with a trace of their celestial powers, that which we call magic, so that we could drive out the demons and defend the Realms ourselves thereafter."
Alori knew the end of the story all too well, but she had never heard the beginning. She hadn't known Ville-Saseum was once unsettled, although she supposed every place started out that way.
"Dantalion said there will be more like him."
"Yes." Her father spoke in a low, ominous tone. "There always have been and always will be. Ville-You was the last large breach. It happened when you were small, do you still remember? Hundreds were killed that night."
"I remember. Taelan's father was a patroller, he was killed during the massacre. Taelan remembers meeting me and mama, but the memory didn't stay with me. I wish it had."
The king's brown eyes darkened, shining with the reflection from the glass. He turned away from the window. "Your mother regretted bringing you there. She cried every night for weeks afterward, for what you saw and for those who perished. I had hoped you might have forgotten. You were still so little then." He twisted his polished wedding band around his finger. Five years had passed since the queen died, and she'd never seen him without it. "I spoke to Taelan about his father. Patroller Lee was a good man, and Taelan seems very much like him. You chose well."
She watched a fire burning below in Topaz, nothing more than a speck of waving amber light in someone's window. It hadn't occurred to her that either of her parents might have known Taelan's father, but they were kind, gregarious leaders and it didn't come as a surprise.
"Ali, I'm sure you don't need me to tell you this again, but I'm proud of you. Your mother would be proud as well. When the time comes, I know you will make a formidable queen, and having Taelan at your side gives me even greater confidence." He ran a hand over his short hair and down the back of his neck. "Such a stunning composer, that young man. There's also a gentleness about him, isn't there? He'll take good care of you."
What would her father say, if he knew what had happened in the Ville-Tokki apothecary shop four years ago?
"Thank you for your approval, father."
"Are you certain you're feeling better?" He frowned, his fingers playing along the waistband of his trousers. "You've seemed distant since supper. I also noted that Taelan didn't join us." He kept his gaze fixed ahead of them down the corridor but Alori could sense his concern as if it was a tangible thing, like a chilly fog blown in between them. "Is anything going on I should know about?"
"No... or, rather, I don't know." Alori shook her head in dismay. "Taelan and I had a fight. No, not a fight exactly. Not really a fight at all, come to think of it. It was more of a reckoning."
"A reckoning?" Her father rubbed a hand across his mouth. Was the king hiding a smile? "What did you reckon?"
"I can't tell you that, so please don't ask me to. It's very personal, but I... I realized I need more time to think about things. Taelan and I hardly know one another."
"Hmmm."
Her father was smiling, but Alori was positive he couldn't know what was troubling her. Not by half.
He stopped near a particularly austere portrait of one of their ancient relatives, a man with a ridiculous handlebar mustache and a shining bald head. The king didn't seem to notice their ancestor's disapproving looks.
"I've never told you this, but your mother almost kicked me out of the palace during the middle of our engagement. I suppose I'd been here for about two weeks."
"Is that true?" Alori could hardly believe it. Her parents had been more in love than any couple she'd seen or read about. She had never heard them so much as argue. How could her mother have thought to kick him out?
"Indeed. I was twenty-four years old, and your mother was only nineteen when we met. She was enamored with my music, and my good looks, obviously." He waggled his eyebrows. Alori laughed at him. "One day she asked me what my life had been like before I'd grown serious in my studies. Suffice it to say, she was less than thrilled at my honesty."
Alori's jaw fell open. "What did you do?"
It couldn't be. Her father, King Renji, couldn't have been a rake. Could he have–?
Good Goddess.
"Oh, you know, the usual." He shrugged nonchalantly, his throaty laughter echoing through the empty hall. "Don't ask for details, dear daughter. You would turn green."
"Papa!" Alori hadn't called her father that since before her mother died. "Ugh," she groaned, kneading the spot between her eyes with her gloved fingertips. "Men are such scoundrels."
Except Taelan wasn't. Her fiancé's story was dark and cruel, and hard for Alori to understand, but Taelan wasn't a lech.
A pang of intense sympathy speared her heart.
"What I'm trying to tell you, Ali, is that sometimes the past is just that, the past. Taelan and I, and most of the bards you've met, we didn't grow up in the court." He pointed out the window, toward the cold night sky. "Things are different out there, more desperate. I never expected to become your mother's consort. It was a longshot of longshots, and I'm grateful she chose me, but I didn't live my life under that premise."
But Taelan had. If she believed him sincere– and she wanted to, with all her heart– he'd strived to be faithful and true. He'd intended to wait for her, working hard for the chance to meet her again face to face. He hadn't given away his innocence frivolously, Roja had stolen it from him when he was still a boy. The old hag had manipulated him, twisting his mind and desires. Was it really such a surprise that he had broken under the pressure?
Alori stared out the window. "I need time to think. I hardly understand myself, how can I understand how I feel about someone else?"
"Feelings aren't meant to be analyzed with a fine-tooth comb. If you feel unhappy, then you are. If you love someone, there must be a good reason for it."
A good reason?
"I... " Alori opened and closed her mouth. The stubborn streak within her tried to contradict her father's logic, but none of her arguments held up. "I hadn't thought of it like that."
I do love Taelan, but I'm afraid.
The king's palm landed on her shoulder, a little heavy. "Why don't I walk you back to bed? You can sleep it off. Cooler heads will prevail in the morning, they always do."
Alori nodded, numb, and more confused than ever.