Your hangover from the alcohol, a dull ache you could ignore only while Tighnari was present, now has your full attention an hour after he's left. It rattles against the inside of your skull, reminding you of every bad thing you'd done the night before.
Not that Tighnari noticed since he wouldn't know what they are, but the three packets of condoms that had been shoved into the bottom of your bag was proof of it.
You don't own any condoms. As per yesterday's attempts at quelling the void of loneliness and misery, you never planned to carry any or use them. On top of that, the fact that the receipt in the bag of the day-after pills didn't contain any debit purchase of condoms at all...then you stole them. There's really no other way to slice it.
Truly, you are a beacon of exemplary standards. A model citizen.
You roll onto your other side on the bed, pressing a hand to your face as you count the minutes as they pass. Maybe taking one of your painkillers might be a good idea...presumably by Tighnari's theory, it'll be replaced anyways if you're sent back home, so there shouldn't be any real loss...if this is real, of course.
Wait...the day-after contraceptive. If I take one now, will I remember to take one when I wake up? And besides that, if this isn't a dream and I take one both now and when I wake up for security's sake, would that be too much?
Sitting up abruptly after a stretch of silence and laziness from both your indecision and headache, you reach for your things and fiddle with the plastic bag tied to one of the shoulder bag straps. It's a struggle wrestling the work that drunk-you did to tie it on your things. After much effort, you're forced to tear it open at the side instead with a sour expression.
You look over your shoulder at the door before pulling the box open, cracking the tray of plastic and foil to get a pill out. Without water at hand, you throw it back, swallow it dry, and let out a breath of relief now that it's in your system. If you're going to repeat what you did yesterday night with some other guy, you're probably going to need to invest in more of these pills...
What's the pills success rate against pregnancy anyways?
"H-Hello?" A sweet feminine voice speaks up as you're attempting to read the back of the pill box, prompting you to shove the items and remaining pills into the crudely torn black bag. As you look to see who it is, you feel a wave of anxiety creep up your spine.
Socializing with other girls...you haven't done that in a while. Normally, you just nod and hum in understanding when you're around female coworkers. Anything to look passively interested without seeming impolite, even if you really don't care about much of what they say half of the time...or maybe it's just that you have boring co-workers and you just don't like them because they like to hear themselves speak and aren't interested in asking you about your life.
Not that you have much to say about it other than "I want to be dead".
Wait. Don't I do the same exact thing when socializing with other genders though? Why does it feel like smooth sailing with Tighnari then?
And then you remember what your therapist said. Or rather what they were implying it could be. They never said it explicitly, as per the usual dance of them allowing you to lead yourself to the right conclusion...not that you thought this was accurate by any stretch of the imagination.
"You keep describing these feelings of having your emotions twisted around, but in a good way. And although you almost wanted to escape him during your dream...would you say they felt more like butterflies? Or spiders?"
"How would you describe your feelings regarding sexual relations? Of any kind, of course...or would you say you avoid it?"
That's embarrassing.
"Sorry for the wait! Master Tighnari said to bring you some food, but I sort of...dropped the first dish I made. I'm sorry..." She trails off in embarrassment, holding up a wrapped fabric bag over her shoulder. "I strapped it to myself this time just in case."
"Oh. I'll be honest, I didn't even notice...thank you," you answer, standing up so you can sit on the bed again. She sets the fabric bag beside you and starts unwrapping some large leaves, pulling out something that has the fragrance of fish and flowers somehow. She hasn't given you her name yet...is it a common thing for the forest rangers here to forgo introductions and jump into action without giving their names?
"He said you might not be familiar with food from here, so this was his recommendation since it's so popular with foreigners. It's called a Lambad Fish Roll," the girl says, clasping her hands together in front of herself and then pausing with a blush of surprise. "Ah, I forgot to introduce myself...! My name's Collei. I'm a forest ranger trainee under Master Tighnari's guidance!"
Ah, there's the name I was waiting for.
"It's nice to meet you, Collei," you respond and give her your name, since you don't actually know what else to say.
Thankfully, she seems happy enough continuing the conversation on her end as you lift the leaf and hold the fish roll up to take a tentative bite. If Tighnari hadn't been the one to recommend it, you probably would hesitate. Your analogy to get him to understand why things might have strange brand names in your world is definitely ringing true now.
"If it's okay to ask...how did you meet Master Tighnari exactly?" She asks next, prompting you to look up at her as you start to take more bites of the meal she prepared for you. It's really tasty, enough that you've started to take bites as big as that of a spinocrocodile. "He normally tells me things, but he's been very...quiet about you. Even more so now than before- we all thought it was because you outed something embarrassing and personal about him, but-"
You almost choke on the fish roll, but manage to thump a fist hard enough against your chest to make your bite fall behind your nasal cavity, and then straight out of your mouth. At least it felt like it entered the nasal cavity...
"Ah! I'm sorry! Are you okay?" She asks, grabbing a cloth from her pocket and handing it over so you can cough and clean your mouth with it. You nod after you've gotten most of the ticklish feeling from your nose out, sighing in relief.
"I'm fine, that just caught me off guard...for Tighnari's sake though, he's not lying. I didn't sleep with him. I slept with some loser with bad pick-up lines and a mouth that ran for miles. Besides, even if I wanted to sleep with him, Tighnari's too...Tighnari," you comment, prompting Collei's expression to wrinkle in confusion for a moment. After processing your words again, she starts laughing in honest surprise.
"Alright, I believe you. When you frame it like that...well, don't tell him but, no one expected he'd be interested in that sort of thing. He's never really shown interest in anyone. Nasrin, one of our other Forest Watchers..." She pauses to look over her shoulder at the doorway for a second, but then leans in with a conspiratorial whisper. "She's said he's more likely to marry a wild mushroom before he ever marries a person."
That actually makes your eyes close with pity, contrasting the wavering crooked grin that's trying to climb up your face in place of a laugh you're quelling. Not even his fellow rangers have any hope for him? Wow...maybe that's why they were quick to believe he was terrible at sex.
"I met him only one other time. It's memorable because I almost got eaten alive by crocodiles...but that's all. He just rescued me. I'm no one special to him, if that's what you were trying to ask," you explain, returning to your food. "I don't know him well, but he's nice."
"He really is! Once you get to know him, you'll learn that his scoldings and his tendency to wring people out is mainly because he cares," Collei explains, sitting down as you finish up the roll and clean your hands with the cloth. She's sitting at a reasonable distance away, enough that you feel comfortable enough in her presence. The girl seems harmless enough, and compared to Tighnari, at least you don't feel so weird talking to her like you do when you speak to him.
"Since he's not here," you start, pursing your lips and eventually getting the rest out, "Could I ask some questions about Tighnari? Nothing personal, just surface level curiosity..."
"Oh, of course! W-What would you like to know?" She snaps out of her daze, almost forcing a smile as you think about what to ask first.
"You and someone else were calling him 'Master Tighnari'. What's the 'master' title for?" You inquire, watching as her smile seems to relax and melt into something a bit more natural. She must have been a little suspicious of your curiosity.
"Before Master Tighnari got here, the forest rangers didn't really have much in the way of leadership..." Collei starts, reaching up to scratch her head in thought. "Uhh, from what I was told, he graduated from Amurta as a botanist and left the Akademiya in Sumeru to be here instead. Everyone respects him because he took the reins to organize the rangers even though he could have gone and done something better with his credentials. The rainforest is much better now thanks to him."
"A botanist? I guess that explains his fascination with flowers and plants," you comment, gazing up at all the flowers along his walls and ceiling. "Love what he's done with the place."
Collei laughs, even though you weren't actually making a joke. Still, you ease into her good mood and take it as a good sign to move on to the next question.
"So he graduated but didn't continue towards a career for it...why not?"
"Ah, you might have to ask him that one...I'm not really sure either- other than the fact he loves the rainforest. I mean, he's still able to use what he learned here, so- um...j-just ask him yourself when he gets back," Collei answers, waving her hands in front of her apologetically. "I feel sort of anxious talking about him like this without his knowledge."
"Sorry."
You're not.
Something about this revelation is perplexing. Assuming the Akademiya is a place of higher education similar to that of university in the waking world, then he might be in a similar position as you. Collei said he "left" the Akademiya though...by choice? If he graduated, then it's not because he was doing poorly.
So he just...threw it all away? Or was he forced out?
Those are questions to ask him though. Collei is definitely not going to entertain any more questions about his background.
"One last thing. How old is Tighnari?"
Collei blinks in surprise, cocking her head slightly to the side as she processes your question. After a second, you realize a smile has started to play on her lips- but she's visibly making an effort to bite down on it.
"I'm not his one-true-mushroom, if that's what you're thinking with that expression," you say, moving in to pop her bubble of hope.
You're just curious, that's all.
"He's seven or eight years older than me, and I only turned eighteen recently, so he's...twenty-five or twenty-six? I think," Collei guesses, all the while taking her time to say it since she's still trying to hide a small smile. "Tighnari's pretty good looking though, wouldn't you say?"
"You're fishing for answers you won't find, but nice try," you say, smiling despite yourself. It's still kind of adorable, seeing her giggle since she knows exactly what she's trying to do. She must care for Tighnari a lot if she wants to see him find a partner someday.
"Where are you from anyhow? Your clothing looks like it could be from Mondstadt, but..." Collei finally has the coursge to ask, eyeing your cocktail dress.
You glance down at the button up dress you have on, open at the collar and chest enough to give a peek at the skin that travels further down. The dress is a small black velvet one with long lace sleeves, the skirt going down to your mid thigh with a slit to your upper thigh. It leaves your legs bare down to your small heeled sandals, giving it a scanty style for a night out.
This isn't something you normally wear, but to get the job done last night, it was a necessary last minute purchase. No one would be likely to bring you home from the bar if you were wearing a tee-shirt and sweatpants...
"Yes, I'm from Mondstadt," you answer easily, the lie sliding out from your lips like warm butter. Tighnari said it would shut up any curious rangers, right?
"Oh! Then you might know my friend Amber! She's the Knights of Favonius Outrider. Normally she's dressed in red since it's her favorite color, and she's really the easiest to spot out of anyone else there. She's usually the first person everyone meets!" Collei suddenly begins to sparkle with enthusiasm, prompting your heart to plummet when you realize Tighnari's order has failed you.
Who is Amber? The Knights of Flavonia...? How could you even begin to-
"What's your favorite food there? Amber always took me to eat sticky honey roast since it's her preferred meal," Collei says, only to stare at you for a moment and then drop her smile in mild confusion. You could only imagine what kind of expression you're making, especially when she says your name with that concerned tone of hers.
This is too tedious. I give up.
"I'm not from Mondstadt. Don't tell him I told you that," you suddenly drop on her, watching as she processes this and then bites her lip inquisitively like she wants to ask. "I'm not from here."
"I see...well, if you're not from Mondstadt, then...?" She pushes gently, as if checking for permission.
"I...oh, whatever. I'm not from this world. Don't tell Tighnari I told you that either, I'm not putting any effort into spinning some kind of facade. This is the second time I'm waking up in Sumeru with Tighnari finding me, and we have no idea what's going on," you add, completely blowing all of Tighnari's orders to the wind without a care. "But last time I woke up in my bed like everything was a dream. So I told him I don't believe what's happening right now is real and that talking with him- and even talking to you right now- is all a dream I'm going to wake up from eventually."
It's actually amazing that you managed to completely disobey every single one of Tighnari's directions. When he gets back...well, so long as Collei doesn't say anything, you're safe from hearing him nag on about it, right? This is his fault anyways, his first directive to tell someone you're from Mondstadt was a total flop. Who's to say spinning more lies and dancing around the truth would help your situation anyways?
Collei has been stunned into silence. As she absorbs the information, you roll up the fabric wrap for the food she brought you and hold it out to her. She takes it gingerly, face still a blank panel of indecision and confusion that remains even after she holds it in her lap.
Maybe I told her too much too suddenly...? I think I broke her.
"Collei? Look, don't think too much about it. For the most part, I'm not going to tell you anything else since I want to keep some of Tighnari's respect- however little of it I deserve," you comment, a yawn forcing you to pause and cover your mouth. All of a sudden you're feeling kind of sleepy. "Really though, don't...don't tell him I told you...so he doesn't nag me to death and..."
Your eyelids suddenly feel very heavy. It's almost like the sleepy feeling has hit you like a truck. Collei didn't put something in your food, did she?
"Huh? Are you sleepy? But...the vitamins he told me to put in your food shouldn't have that effect, it's just supposed to give you a boost in some things he thought you were lacking..."
He prescribed me 'vitamins'? 'Things he thought I was lacking'? What do I look like to him, one of his plants he can just dump nutritious concoctions into?
"I don't need any vitamins," you manage to say drowsily, leaning into the bed and trying to keep your eyes open. As soon as you've started reclining though, you eventually give in to the weight and rest completely on your side.
"Oh no...I think I gave you my sedatives! Why do those two bottles look so similar? I should have never put it down by my meds!" Collei realizes with horror, looking back towards you as you get into a comfy position. "I'm so sorry!"
"You take sedatives...? What for?" You ask, not really mad whatsoever. If anything, maybe this is finally the wake-up call back to reality that you were waiting for. You have nothing to worry about even if you did get a sedative, this is all a dream. "It's fine though, I could use a nap anyways...and if it's too much, then I can rest in peace knowing I've escaped all my problems..."
Although she still looks distressed, she cracks a smile and exhales a short laugh, like she can't believe your words. It might sound like a joke to her, but you're telling the truth.
"Don't say dark stuff like that. I get nightmares sometimes, b-but it's just a safety measure in case I'm unable to get back to sleep after an episode. Since it's mainly for anxiety, I'm not allowed to take it often," Collei explains, before something clicks in her mind and she jumps to her feet. "I have to go look for Master Tighnari! We need to make sure you're going to be okay since it's hitting you pretty quickly compared to normal. I was measuring it for vitamins rather than sedatives, so it might have been way too much!"
Collei makes her way towards the exit quickly, her hair bouncing as you watch her leave behind an increasing fog of drowsiness. You can hardly make out her features anymore.
Should you tell her?
"...Wait," you force out, even though your speech comes out dry like cotton. "Tell him I took a contraceptive pill before the sedative too..."
"Contraceptive? Um, what's-? Oh, never mind! I'll be back shortly!" Collei says, pushing past the leaves at the door as you close your eyes and let yourself relax.
If this is real and I'm overdosing...I hope it's painless...really hope it's just like falling asleep...and...
____
You don't know how long you've been out of it. All you know is that you can hear voices through the slow spin of exhaustion initiated by the sleep medication. The world is slowly piecing itself together around you again, the feeling of your weight in the soft mattress under you, the ache of your thighs from the night before- you become aware of it all as you attempt opening your heavy eyes.
Still in the Avidya Forest...
It's the first thought you have as your dull eyes sweep across the dimly lit room, eventually landing on a figure that's gotten up from a desk to the side. The only source of light sits where they were sat at, lighting up their familiar features as they draw closer to you.
"Hey." Tighnari's voice is soft as he crouches down in your line of sight. He doesn't look like he's panicking...which means you're fine. How nice. "How are you doing?"
You feel your eyebrows furrow at the question. Can't he tell you're still immensely fatigued? You can't even lift your head or shift the position of your arms and legs. It's gotten pretty late though...what time is it?
"Heavy..." you manage, tongue barely obeying your directive in forming words. "How long...?"
"About four hours. She gave you quite the dose, I must say. All we could really do was wait it out till you regained consciousness. I've made something to offset the medication, hopefully it doesn't interfere with this...'contraceptive pill' you asked Collei to tell me about."
You hum, though you aren't sure if it sounds like acceptance. Still, he helps you to sit up before pulling a vial out from his pocket, popping the cork out with his thumb like he's done it a thousand times before. He really does seem to act like an academic, now that you're replaying every past interaction you've had with him. Even the know-it-all air to him screams "I have a higher education". Did you used to act like that too?
Your eyes drift to the window as he tilts the vial to your lips, murmuring a small sentiment of praise as you swallow it down like a shot of alcohol. It doesn't taste great, but you've had worse things set off your taste buds. Thankfully, the flavor dissipates off your tongue, leaving you to sit there with Tighnari and wait for the effects to kick in sometime.
"You can lay back down if you want, it's not going to work that quickly- not unless we injected it straight into your bloodstream," Tighnari says, standing up again and collecting the cork where it landed on the bed.
"I know..." You simply say, too tired to continue.
"If I may, how does this 'contraceptive pill' of yours work?" Tighnari is quick to sweep in, making you look around the bed for your bag slowly. When you spot it, you drag it to your lap and try to find the gaping hole of the black bag- eventually giving up and creating another hole to fish out the box. The tray of medication isn't inside it, so you easily bring it up to the light to try and read what the text on the back says.
...
"Fuck, I can't read...anyways-" you start, tossing the box aside uselessly. Tighnari's eyebrows rise as he watches the box sail in the air, but he doesn't bother to interject on your behavior. "Short explanation is that it raises some type of hormone to stop ovulation after insemination...has to be taken within 48 hours of having sex so I don't get pregnant."
"Interesting. That would be an incredible thing for people to have access to in Sumeru," Tighnari muses, until you pop his bubble to add something else.
"It only works once though, doing it a second time won't stop anything...since it's meant for emergencies...not like the convenience of birth control pills, you would want those normalized if birth control is an issue," you say, testing the muscles of your tongue since the words still sound a little strange coming out of your mouth. "Sorry, it's hard to talk...I'd rather ask you questions instead, to be honest..."
"I apologize, I should know better than to let my curiosity get the better of me. Just focus on recovering for now, I'm sure I can ask more later. And there's plenty of time for me to answer anything you want to...to..." Tighnari says, his ears suddenly shooting down against his head as he spins around to your bag, opening the flap with a sudden uncanny twitch and haste to his movements as he fights the zipper open viciously and drops in what you realize is a wrapped chocolate kiss from his pocket. It must be the one he made himself.
He looks confused and frustrated as he puts the flap back in place and backs away on all fours along the floor, eyes blinking wildly.
"Shit..." you hear yourself say when you realize just what's happening, sliding off the bed to get to him and help him sit up. He holds out a hand like he's trying to tell you not to worry, leaving you to watch as he slowly succumbs beside you.
"EVERYONE! Remember what Master Tighnari said, don't panic!" You hear someone outside calling out at the top of their lungs from outside. Their powerful voice calls for attention, making you look up from Tighnari as well. "Fauna are starting to pass out, their sensitivity to this phenomena is our first warning! Wherever you are, get to somewhere stable and safe, lay down, and don't try to move or do anything! Put out any active flames! Put down any objects you're holding and remain calm!"
You look back at Tighnari, urging him to lay down as the presumed other forest ranger ordered. He listens this time, though not without a look of reluctance, allowing you to lay him down and rest the back of his head on your lap. Maybe you shouldn't be so familiar with him, but...this is just a dream, right? You're allowed to indulge and admire him if what you think is about to happen is happening.
Collei definitely isn't wrong about his looks, that much you'll admit to yourself in the privacy of your mind.
"I guess I'll see you in my next dream," you mumble, brushing some hair and his earring out of his face so he's a little more comfortable. His eyelids are still fluttering, but he can still flick his eyes up to look at you as the sound begins to finally reach you. You snatch a pillow from the bed and tuck it under Tighnari's head, backing up from him to lay yourself down and proceed with staring up at the ceiling. A sigh escapes you as your head starts to get fuzzy again.
It doesn't feel the same as it did the time before...is it the sleep medication that's interfering?
By the time your eyelids have started blinking rapidly. You're probably gonna feel like shit when you wake up, huh? Does the last four hours count towards your regular sleep hours...?
...I don't want to go.
You pull yourself up sluggishly and crawl past Tighnari's form towards the bed, eyeing the blurry dark space under the arched wood of the bed frame. It's childish, it's probably useless, but if it increases the chances to stay just a little bit...if this really isn't a dream, you don't want to go back home.
You're out of breath once you're situated under it, curled up against the wall as nausea crawls up your throat. All of a sudden, you're starting to taste the medicine Tighnari gave you on your tongue again.
Please let me stay. I haven't had enough time here.
Please let this be real.
____
But your begging goes unheard, because you wake up. Lo and behold, you're alone in your small, claustrophobic room again. The musty smell of your room makes your nose wrinkle, leaving you to knot your fingers in the sheets out of frustration.
You're starting to hate the smell. It's the smell of someone that doesn't bother to take care of their living space- the kind of person that can't find it in themselves to clean up. You could never bring yourself to consider inviting someone to your place- nevermind the fact you're renting and therefore living in the same residence as other people.
The first thing you do is look for your bag, which you find on the floor right by your bed. Where was it before you...oh, right. You don't remember ever making it home, the last thing you remember prior to the Avidya Forest is drunkenly stumbling along the streets at night.
After your pause, you finally open the flap and get past the zipper, dumping everything out of it and examining your things on the rumpled sheets of your bed. You see your still shattered phone, your pill bottle of painkillers, and a few notebooks and pens. The black bag with your purchase of day-after pills isn't torn on any side, nor is the box of pills opened.
Thirteen pills are in the bottle. As for the chocolate kisses...you realize you didn't actually count how many chocolates you had in your bag. You never bothered to count them back in Tighnari's room.
But that doesn't matter- what matters is that he put one in your things that isn't a chocolate, and you need to find it. You need to know this isn't a dream, once and for all.
I'm not sleepy or tired at all...I don't even have a hangover anymore. Either I rested enough to get rid of the hangover, or it was Tighnari's medicine.
Your eyes land on the chocolates scattered along your bed and you start unwrapping them, as carefully as Tighnari had when he was unwrapping his first chocolate. It's tedious, but eventually you have only one left to unwrap.
So far, all of them are brown...and the likelihood of the last one in your hand being the unique kiss Tighnari made you is slim to none. You don't even know what he made...but you doubt he could have had the resources to make an actual chocolate of his own then and there. He would have had to make something else, that was the whole point of wrapping it in foil, since it would look different.
After you finish opening the last chocolate, you let out a sigh of disappointment as you're greeted with another chocolate.
...It's just a dream.
Or you're being watched, there's still hope.
You don't want to believe in false hope. It doesn't matter if it wasn't real, what matters is that you're at home now and you need to-
Knocking on your bedroom door makes you jump in surprise, prompting you to grab all your chocolates and dump them in your bag unwrapped. It's going to make a mess inside it, but...
It's already a mess everywhere else in my room, who cares what the visitor thinks! But...on that note, who would be visiting me right now?
"Coming!" You announce, getting up and then grimacing at the scanty dress you're still wearing. You kick off your nice sandals and grab a bathrobe from the pile on the end of your bed, pulling it around you and tying it off properly before you walk over to open the door.
You're anticipating who it could be when you finally open the door, only to see the face of your landlord on the other side.
The man is in his late forties, and you've gotten used to his usual aloof and calm personality. This time though...something's very obviously off about him. The man is looking over his shoulder, a cold sweat that has no business on his features settled over his aging face.
"You're finally up!" He says, out of breath and smelling a lot like beer. "You need to go. Now."
"W-What?" You ask, startled and confused when he pushes past you forcefully and starts looking around your bedroom. "Hey, what's going on? I have to...go? Go where?"
"Out of here. I don't care where, but you need to be out of here within the hour. I'm not open to negotiations, I will not give you extra time to gather everything. If you're not out of here by the time I come back with whatever you can fit inside of your vehicle, I'm bringing out my shotgun and calling the police to escort you out of here."
Your jaw has dropped open at his stern declaration, so stunned you can't even find it in yourself to say anything as he marches back out of your room. You can't even say you don't have a car, something you thought he already knew.
Everything swirling in your mind is a mess, but you flick your autopilot switch and start digging around your closet to find your suitcase, emptying your underwear drawer, clothes, toiletries...anything you can think of that you need to bring.
Once the suitcase is zipped up completely, you grab a backpack to dump your other necessities in, grabbing your bag and stuffing your laptop, tablet, and chargers inside it. You cuss when you remember the chocolates at the bottom, forced to dump everything back out to dump the chocolates on the bed and look for a ziplock bag to dump them all in. You'll probably need a chocolate later for emotional support, so you stuff them back in your bag after you put your electronics back inside it.
And then you hear knocking on the door, making you pull your three pieces of luggage close and examine everything else that you're being forced to leave behind. The furniture is yours. You have memorabilia you won't be able to replace left in there...and you're not going to be able to take a majority of it with you. You'll get tired carrying more than you already have, and you're already carrying so much.
You open the door to see the man standing there, his shotgun already at hand as he examines you for your compliance. To think he really did bring a gun out...
"That wasn't even thirty minutes," you can't help but say, only for him to raise his weapon and point it up towards your head. He doesn't respond to your comment. He doesn't even tell you why he's doing this. As far as you know, you didn't do anything wrong. You've never caused problems. You're quiet as can be. You follow all of his rules, even the stupid ones you don't understand like not walking on his lawn.
Instead of taking a foot forward, you stand there and give the weapon a curious look. You're not scared at all. In fact, you almost ask him to just get it over with. You don't own a gun and this is the fastest route out of your personal hell. Especially now that he's condemning you one level deeper into the lake of fire.
"I guess I'll see you in my next dream."
Is the suffering worth one more dream of Tighnari and his beautiful rainforest though? What if you never dream of him again? Or if you don't dream of him in time? What if you give up before he can prove to you he's not a figment of your imagination?
Or what if you're becoming delirious? Every card life deals you is a rotten one. You wouldn't be surprised if it was eroding your sanity.
But...you still had questions to ask that figment of your imagination. Questions that you were dying to know. About him, his academic life, and his choice to leave it behind. You can't understand why someone so far ahead would throw it all away...was being a forest ranger that rewarding in comparison to the promise of endless research to satisfy one's curiosity?
What you would give to just have the chance to take that step forward and prove yourself. Unfortunately, you're far too mediocre. Right? Your classmates were far more exemplary than you. This is the life you were dealt and there's no way to get around it. A person like you was not meant for great things.
So you walk. You make a point to go straight across his precious lawn with your rolling luggage, a miniscule dose of spiteful satisfaction at his verbal objections to it easing your misery only a little.
You walk until you're no longer able to see the house.
Your feet continue to travel until you've reached an empty street, one lined with houses far enough apart that no one is bound to call the police on you if you sit down for a minute to think of the next plan of action.
Although you're sitting down now, without the pressure of rushing to think hanging over you like it was when you were told to get out of your room...you realize a different kind of pressure is forming behind your eyes now.
You're still wearing the bathrobe and you forgot to grab shoes other than the heeled sandals you're still wearing.
You bite back the emotion and pull your bag in front of you, digging past the ziplocked chocolates and foil to pull out your phone and speed dial a contact you know will answer her phone even at this time of night.
...
When you hear her say your name, you don't feel that familiar rush of familial warmth. You must have become numb to that feeling, knowing you haven't been honest enough with her ever since you moved away from home. She's miles away, completely unbeknownst of your situation as you sit alone on a curb without a place to sleep.
"Hi, Mom..." you say, steadying your breaths as tears start to fall from your eyes.
You let her take over the conversation, listening as she chastises you gently for never calling. For leaving her to guess what you're up to. For not giving her your address so she can visit.
"Sorry, work has really, um...taken a lot of my time. I just wanted to hear your voice," you say, almost murmuring it in embarrassment since you know she has no idea.
You told her you got a job at a lab to ease her motherly concerns. She thinks you're living the life you've always wanted to live, despite the objections of others.
"Honey, you sound strange. Are you doing okay? They're not stressing you out and overworking you over there, are they?" Your mom asks, her sweet voice prompting more tears to flood from your already wet eyes.
You wish you could tell her the truth and face the shame, but you can't bring yourself to. It would upset her even more than it has upset you, knowing no one is willing to hire you to work at an actual lab. Three other people that majored in the same field were offered job opportunities, you remember seeing it on social media.
Your life, unlike theirs, is in the gutter. There's no sense making your mother feel like she needs to take you in now that you've already left the nest.
"I'm a little stressed out, but I'm okay. I just, um...it's probably just the setting making me feel like everything is on fire," you lie, pausing to cover the mic of your phone so you can take a deep breath. Even if she can't see you, you force a fake smile to your face so it'll come out a little brighter. Fake it till you make it, right? "I miss you. Can you tell me how you're doing? It'll get my mind off of things at the lab."
She gladly obliges.
And so you push away your thoughts for the moment to listen and immerse yourself in a better place, trying not to let her hear your crying.
~ Fin ~