"He's here! Boyles here!" Jake said walking into the bullpen. "This is so fun! I wish you guys got shot more often!" Gina said happily. "Buh-buh-buh back in the nine-nine" Charles said, entering on a scooter with a seat.
Everyone starts clapping and Holt says "Welcome back detective!" "Wow is this all for me?" Charles said, shocked. "Of course it is" Jake replied "What are you wearing there buddy?" "Oh none of my pants fit over my butt cast" Charles said "Lucky for me, my mam lent me her leg warmers."
"That is lucky" I said, smiling at him. "Pretty sweet scooter!" Amy said. "Yeah I know! Check out these doughnuts!" Charles said and spun around, knocking some stuff down. "Oh that went terribly! Can I help you with something?" Jake asked.
"Nope, no everything's under control. I picked up a few reacher grabbers" He said, showing us this long stick that had handles that opened and closed to grab things. "So I'm able to do everything that I used to" Boyle said proudly.
"So now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make my morning cup of coffee, like I do everyday" he said, scooting over to the kitchen. He took one of his reacher grabbers and tried to pick up a mug, but it fell to the floor and broke.
He tried again, and the second mug fell to the floor. "Here let me help you Boyle" Rosa offered. "No, no need at all. That's sweet, Rosa. Here we go" He said, trying to pick up another mug but failing again.
"Here Charles just take my coffee, it's fresh" Terry said. "Ok, I guess. I mean if you don't mind" Charles said. He reached for Terry's mug with his reacher grabber and tried put it to his mouth. "Why don't you just use your other hand?" Gina said as Charles ignored her and continued to try drink the coffee with his reacher grabber, which ended in him spilling the hot coffee all over himself.
"Ahh! Ahh! Hot coffee in my Cast!" Charles shouted. Gina poured milk down his cast to cool him down, which worked. "Ahh, cold milk. Cold milk" he said, looking into the distance. "Ok, it's coming out the bottom" Jake said as everyone groaned.
~
"Hey, what's going on?" Jake said walking into the room Rosa and I were in. "We just picked him up on a dozen counts of identity theft" Rosa said pointing to the guy in the room. "His name's Doug Judy" I said, "you ever seen him before?" "No" Jake said shaking his head.
"Rosa, Rosa Rosa~ Oh yeah, beautiful Rosa" the guy sung. "I think he's into me" She said. "What do you do to these perps?" Jake asked. "Fear is a powerful aphrodisiac" She said.
"Anyway he said he wants to speak to a 'John or Jack Peralta or whatever'" I said, quoting what Doug Judy said. "Why does he wanna talk to me? And should I change my name to Jack Peralta? Sounds badass" he said putting on a deeper voice when he said, "'Jack Peralta, crocodile hunter." "Yeah" Rosa said.
"He said he wants a deal" Rosa said. "He said he has some information about some dude who steals Pontiacs" I added. "Pontiacs? He knows about the Pontiac Bandit?" Jake said. "Listen to me he specifically said he knows a guy who steals Pontiacs?" Jake asks, grabbing my shoulders and shaking me.
"Yeah I just said that! Chill man" I said, pulling my arms out of his grasp. "Hey Diaz!" Doug Judy called out, "Come here and talk to me." "This guys super horny" Jake said. "Yeah" Rosa and I said at the same time.
~
"I used to work at a chop shop. It was chill. Decent hours, good benefits. You could work while you were high, which I never did 'cause that's irresponsible" Doug Judy started, "Anyway, we did a lot of work for this dude who stole Pontiacs." "The Pontiac Bandit!" Jake said excitedly. "We called him Bill, but whatever" Judy said shrugging.
"No, not whatever" Jake started, "I've been chasing that guy for eight years, he stole hundreds of cars. All of them Pontiacs. He's never left any evidence and he's never been caught on camera. The guys a ghost." "Super ghost" Doug Judy added. "Super ghost!" Jake said.
"Before we go any further" Rosa said, looking over at me. "We need to know if you're for real" I said, "Describe the guy." "Asian dude, maybe 5'8, spiky black hair. Rocks in both ears, always wears a black suit, and speaks with a British accent. Like my girl, I've got impeccable taste."
"Would you say he looks sort of like" Jake said, picking up a picture, "this?" "That's Bill" Judy said. "This is a composite sketch we got from ten interviews I've done. It's a perfect match"
"So all you know is what a bunch of mopes have said over the years. Anything else?" Rosa asked. "Yeah, I know how to get in touch with him" he said. "Doug Judy!" Jake said happily, high-fiving the guy.
~
"So, the burner phone Doug Judy used to contact the Pontiac Bandit is at his mom's house" Jake said to Captain Holt, "He's agreed to help us catch the bandit if we drop all charges against him." "How many cars would you say this Pontiac Bandit has stolen?" Holt asks. "230, that I know of. But the real number could be in the millions" Jake said.
"You're not very good at maths" I said to Jake. "What are the charges against Judy?" Holt asks, turning to Rosa and me. "Twelve counts of identity theft" Rosa said. "But we've been chasing him for months" I added. "Well I've been chasing the Pontiac Bandit for eight years! You know how many months that is?" Jake asked.
"96" Rosa said as Jake said "80 - 40 - and six years, months." "Do you need a maths tutor?" Holt asked, "Because the department will provide one for you." "I can't tell if you're being serious" Jake said.
"I'm on the fence here, Diaz and Y/n caught him. It's their call" he said. Rosa looked over to me and I took a step back, "Oh don't look at me, I really don't know." "Look, this guy's for real. 1,000 push-ups" Jake said. "1,000 push-ups? Really?" Rosa asked him. "Yes" Jake nodded.
"Ok. I'm in" Rosa said nodding. "What's 1,000 push-ups?" Holt asked. "Oh well we were in the academy together and we hated the drills so now, when we're on a case and one of us says '1,000 push-ups' it means 'I'm so sure I'm right, if I'm wrong I'll do 1,000 push-ups'" Jake explained.
"It's a pact we made. It really just means 'Trust me' and I do" she said looking over at Jake. "Ok, make the deal" Holt said. "Yes! I've got you now Pontiac Bandit! Woo! "Jake shouted, "Wow it feels good to say that in front of actual people instead of just the mirror."
~
"Alright so, we grab the burner, catch the bandit and become police legends" Jake said. "My mom's car is here, she's home. Can I take these cuffs off?" He asked. "No way" Rosa said. "She thinks I own my own architect firm with all white employees" Judy said proudly.
"That's racist" Jake muttered. "Why stop there?" I asked. "Why not tell her you're an astronaut" Rosa added. "'Cause space is scary. You saw what it did to Sandy Bullock" Judy said. "Yeah, I'm with him on this one. I'll stay on earth thank you very much" Jake agreed. "I think space is cool" I said, crossing my arms.
"Come on Rosa and Y/n! We can play act with his mam for two minutes to get a lead!" Jake said. "One false move, and I tase you. In front of your mam" Rosa said.
~
"Dougie! Oh my beautiful boy!" Judy's mam said when we walked in. "Well shouldn't you be at work?" She asked him. "Never too busy to see my Mama" he smiled. "Mama, this is my girlfriend Rosa, my personal assistant Y/n and my bodyguard Mangy Carl" Judy said introducing us.
"Aw, it's nice to meet you, you can just call me Carl" Jake said. "Mangy Carl used to be a homeless gentleman. I work with a charity that finds jobs for down-on-their-luck white people" Judy told his mam.
"He's just a big old angel. He's been so good to..... the whites" Jake said. Judy's mam let out a laugh, "Yes he is." "Speaking of which, we should probably grab that phone so we can get back to, you know, architecturals" Jake said. "Yes, it's in the spare bedroom" Judy said. "I'll go with you! It's a mess" Judy's mam said smiling.
"Actually we can handle it on our own, ma'am. Why don't you just say here and.. chop it up with Rosa and Y/n" Jake said. "That sounds nice, we can get to know each other a little" Judy's mam said bringing us both to the couch to sit down. "I love getting to know people, it's my jam" I said, laughing awkwardly.
~
Rosa got up and walked to the other room where Jake and Doug Judy were. "Sorry ma'am, we'll just be a minute" I said to Doug Judy's mam and followed Rosa into the other room.
"You guys having fun?" Rosa asked them, "his mam put this stupid braid in my hair." "It looks beautiful" Doug Judy said. "Yeah it looks great" Jake replied. Rosa took out her knife and cut the braid out of her hair.
"Please have my children" Judy said, staring at Rosa. I glared at him until there was a phone notification. "Parking lot on Flatbush and Vanderbilt in fifteen" Jake said reading the texts. "Let's go" I said.
"Wait, wait, wait. Diaz looks like a dirty criminal, and Y/n is just kinda there" Judy said. "Hey!" I protested, but Judy kept on talking. "Buy you look like a cop, man" Judy said pointing to Peralta and his clothes. "What do you have in mind?" Jake asked.
~
Jake walked out of the house in an oversized white suit, dancing. "I don't look like a cop now" he said happily. "No, you look like a 'Boyz II Men Easter Album" Rosa said, rolling her eyes. "Burn" Judy said, looking over at Peralta. "That's not a burn, that's cool" Jake denied.
~
"I gotta say, this suit is growing on me" Jake said as we waited in the car. Rosa and I were in the back while Jake was in the drivers seat and Doug Judy in the passengers seat. "Looks good" Judy said. "Is it triple breasted somehow?" Jake asked looking down at it.
"There's no such thing" Judy answered. "What about the girl in 'Total Recall'?" Jake said. "Mmm triple bitties" Judy smiled. "Triple bitties" Jake laughed and looked back at Rosa and I. "There's no sign of anyone" I said. "You sure about this?" Rosa asked Jake. "1,000 push-ups" Jake said.
"Ok" She said looking back out the window. "Heads up" I said pointing out the car coming towards us. The car pulled up beside up and rolled the window down. "Who the hell are you? Where's Bill?" Judy asked.
"He hadn't heard from you in a while, so he sent me to make sure everything's cool. Apparently it's not" he said looking at Jake, Rosa and me, "Who are they?" "They're with me, this is Carl Mangerman. He's the buyer" Judy said.
"I don't know them, I don't trust them. He needs to meet with you alone, or it's off, I'll text you the address" the guy said to Judy then drove off. "Come on!" Jake complained, "I promise you this, they have not heard the last of Carl Mangerman."
~
We were sitting in a random empty parking lot ."Alright, it's worth the risk" Jake said, walking up and down, "We send him in alone." "No we do not, something doesn't smell right to me" Rosa said. "Could be my dad's suit. He died in it" Judy said. "Y/n what do you think?" Rosa asked me. "I say we don't let him go" I answered, then looked over at Jake, "Sorry Jake."
"They just sent the location" Jake said, looking at the phone as it chimed. "Man, this dude is cautious. If I show up one minute late or I'm not alone. He's done with me. This is your last shot" Judy said.
"I can't let the Pontiac Bandit get away. Put a wire on him, get a tactical team as backup" Jake said to us, "It's the only way. Doug Judy and I know this guy, you have to trust us." "Do we? One of you is a criminal and the other is dressed like Steve Harvey. It's over I'm ending this now, sorry Jake" Rosa said turning back to the car.
"Seriously?" Jake said, sounding annoyed. "Yeah , 1,000 push-ups" Rosa said. "Well I raise you 2,000 push-ups" Jake said. "What? That's not how it works" Rosa said, "I said 1,000 push-ups, you have to back me up. That's the pact, end of story."
"Well I break the pact" Jake said. My mouth falls open and I look to Doug Judy with the expression that says 'are you seeing what I'm seeing?' "I hope you understand how serious this is to me" Rosa said angrily.
"Come on Rosa! Can't you read between the lines man?" Jake said. "Don't quote die hard" I said, pointing my finger in his face. "Sorry, but we're still sending him in alone" Jake said.
~
"Ask questions about money, cars, specifics" Jake said to Doug Judy. "I'm getting kinda nervous. This man is for real, you sure you got everything covered?" Judy asked. "There's a body on the back door, eyes on the side door and two guys out on the corner, you're gonna be fine" Jake told him.
~
"We got eyes on the bandit, he's a block away" Rosa said. "You ready?" Jake asked. "You and me Jakey. We were born ready" Judy said. "Go, Judy, go" Jake said, and Judy gets out of the van.
"We meet at last Pontiac Bandit" Jake said, taking pictures of the bandit with a camera, "for eight years I've tracked you. And today I'm taking you down." "Doug Judy can you hear me? Say something and test the wire" I said.
"Hey Diaz, after you put the cuffs on this guy, I'll be free for dinner. You like spaghetti? And weed?" He said, and Rosa rolled her eyes. "Or Y/n too, her quietness started to grow on me" Judy said into the mic. "I'm not that quiet" I said rolling my eyes, but Jake and Rosa gave me a look. "Wait am I?" I asked and Jake and Rosa just looked away.
"My man! What's up" Judy said, as he walked into the store. "Pleasure to see you again" a man with a British accent said. "Lets talk about cars, I got my shop up and running again. I can do anything you want. Blue cars, red cars, big cars, small cars. You know cars, cars are great aren't they?" Judy said over the mic.
"What is he doing?" I asked, looking over at Jake. "Talking about cars" Jake said.
~
"You know what else is great about cars? The way they look, how they stop, how they start" Judy said. "That's it I'm calling it" Rosa said. "No!" Jake said. "Move people, we're going in now" Rosa said and we all got out of the van.
"NYPD! Down now! Hands on your head!" Rosa said, while we all ran into the building. "Gotcha now Pontiac Bandit" Jake said. "Where's Doug Judy?" I asked, looking around. "He went to the bathroom, I'm just here to give him a haircut, I don't know what's going on" the man said.
"Likely story Pontiac- but you do actually have a lot of hair products" Jake said, realising. "He's gone, he ran" Rosa said, walking out of the bathroom.
"Why would he do that? He helped us catch the Pontiac Bandit that was the deal. Doesn't make any sense unless- Doug Judy's the Pontiac Bandit" Jake realised. "Yeah don't bother looking for me, I'm in the wind" Judy said, making fake wind noises.
"If you're close enough for me to hear you, you're close enough for me to catch you" Jake said. "Nah, I got a relay set up" Judy said. "So if you're the Pontiac Bandit, whose this joker?" Jake asked.
"A couple years ago, you were getting really close so I started telling my associates if they ever get caught they should describe me as 'Asian dude, 5'8, wears a diamond earring, British accent" Judy explained. "So then you hired someone who looks exactly like that!" Jake said.
"No, no that's my barber Norman Lee. You should actually use him while you're there. He'll give you a dope fade" Judy said. "I get dope enough haircuts from my current barber, thank you very much" Jake said.
Judy then explained how he got away to Jake, there was another basement connected to the one he was already in, and his friend picked him up from the other basement. "What about our dinner date?" I asked Judy. "Oh Y/n don't tempt me, you know I would though" he said.
~
Rosa and I were in the precinct, I was sitting at her desk talking to her, until Jake came over. "So.. I went back to the mams house, unsurprisingly a dead end" he said. "I got a lot of work to do Peralta" Rosa said, turning back into her desk.
"Wait, I want to say something. We've worked together long enough for me to know you hate apologies. I just wanted to ask you, both of you," he glanced over at me then looked back to Rosa, "to join the Doug Judy case."
"Officially as partners. I want to catch this guy, and I can't do it without both of you" Jake finished. "No, you can't" Rosa said, smiling at Jake and he smiled back. "Yeah sure I'll help" I said looking between both of them. "That's what I said, Y/n" Jake answered, looking over at me. "I know but I felt like I needed to add something" I shrugged.
"Now, I believe I owe you 1,000 push-ups" Jake said, looking back at Rosa. "I don't care about the push-ups Jake. I care that you didn't honour our pact" Rosa said. "I know, I'm sorry and it won't happen again" Jake said.
"No, it won't. Now get down on the floor" Rosa said. "What? I thought you said you didn't care about the push-ups?" Jake said. "I changed my mind" Rosa shrugged. "Fair enough. A pact's a pact" Jake said getting on the floor. "One, Two, three, four" Jake said, counting his push-ups.
"Hey, wanna go to Shaws Bar?" Rosa asked me, while Jake was on the ground still counting his push-ups. "Sure" I nodded.
~
Rosa and I were finished work and about to leave as we heard Jake still counting. "Bye Jake" I called out. "Bye Y/n" he replied then went back to counting.
~
When we got to Shaws Bar, it was full of people. We walked over to the counter and got some shots.
"To almost catching the Pontiac Bandit" I said, lifting up the glass. Rosa did the same and we drank the shot.
~
After many many shots it was getting late and we were really drunk. "Let's go home" I whispered in her ear as we walked out of the bar, walking weirdly and holding hands.
"Where do you live?" I asked looking over at her. "Follow me" she said, turning to face Shaws Bar then instantly turning and running to the right, dragging me with her.
~
"Up the stairs" she said, pulling me into the apartment building, up three flights on stairs. She pulls out a key and tries stick it in a door but it doesn't work. "Whoops, wrong door" she laughed, walking upstairs. "Whoops" I giggled, following her.
We got to the upstairs door and her key fit in. She opened the door and walked in, pulling me in with her. She let go of my hand and fell onto the couch. "Oohoho, nice place" I smiled, then lied down on the floor.
"Make room for me" Rosa said, rolling onto the floor next to me. I turned to face her and she turned to face me. "You have nice eyelids" she said, putting her finger on my eyelid. "You have a nice floor" I laughed, rolling around on the floor.
"You're pretty" she laughed. She leaned in and kissed me then leaned away. "Wow, we're so drunk" I laughed, looking up at the spinning ceiling.
~
I woke up to my head pounding and opened my eyes. I looked around the room and realised I was on the floor next to Rosa. I closed my eyes and pressed my hand to my head, trying to stop the pounding headache I was having, but it wouldn't go away.
"Rosa" I whispered in her ear, trying to wake her up. "Rosa!" I said a bit louder and she woke up suddenly.
She looked at me, then looked around, then looked back at me. I looked her in the eyes, and some of the night before started coming back to me.