Once we had finished packing for our trip home, Leah and I headed to bed. Our flight home was at 7am, meaning we would be at the appointment just two hours after our plane landed. I felt nervous, happy nervous. Neither of us were unrealistic, we knew that we would have a long road ahead of us and that it wouldn't happen right away but we would wait for as long as we had to to be able to hold our baby.
Leah, as always, pulled me in for a cuddle as soon as my body touched the bed. She was the most affectionate person I had ever met and years together hadn't changed that, she makes as much effort now as she did at the beginning. I'm not sure whether it was the nerves for tomorrow, the fact we were reunited tonight or passing the stage of tiredness but neither of us could sleep.
"Al, you know tomorrow they'll ask things about us don't you?" She asked, tickling the inside of my arm.
"What like?" I asked.
"Which one of us want to carry, how we plan to cope with our careers. Things to make sure we're ready for this." Leah said this so softly to ensure I didn't start to fret.
"Well that's easy, I'll be carrying because you can't be out for all that time. We will manage." I said, a little defensive that they might insinuate our careers would be a problem.
"What if I wanted to?" Leah asked, kissing my head almost as if to ask me not to be annoyed at her.
I didn't actually really want to be the carrier, I liked the idea of seeing Leah with a bump. I just knew that with my career, I could still write and release music but Leah would have to stop working the minute she was pregnant. I had never even thought of the possibility of her being the one to carry.
"Well that's different, do you?" I asked, reaching my hand up to her hair and tucking it behind her ear.
"Yeah but if I tell you the reason you will just say I'm being stupid." Leah laughed.
"Enlighten me?" I laughed back, my hand now on her neck, rubbing it gently with my thumb.
"I just feel like you have made so many sacrifices for us. You don't go to after gig drinks so we can talk before I go to bed, you change your rehearsal times to speak to me before matches, you have missed gigs to fly home to me. Even right back to our second beginning, you sacrificed Grace for us. I want to do that for you. I want to sacrifice something so you can feel how I feel when you do that for me." Leah spoke, her fingers now tracing circles on my stomach.
"Le -" I began before she spoke again.
"I know, I know you're going to say that's the wrong reason but it feels right. It's always you that has to put things on hold, it's never me. I don't care about the break. I don't care that I might not get picked for the England squad again after. I care about being a parent with you. I care about creating our own family." By now, a Leah had both arms wrapped around me and was placing soft kisses on my neck as she spoke, making me fight the urge to just agree to this conversation and focus on her kisses, she knew it too.
"It's a lot of time out Le, especially at this point in your career. I think you'll regret it." I spoke, lifting her chin slightly to kiss her.
"I won't regret anything I do in life with you." She spoke into my mouth as our lips touched.
I woke the next morning to the feeling of Leah in my arms for the first time in months. I could feel her back against my stomach and her hand reached back to be placed on my thigh with my arm draped over her hip, hand resting on her stomach. As I moved closer to her to close the gaps, I couldn't help but let my mind wander. The feeling of my hand touching the bare skin on her stomach was giving me butterflies. I couldn't help but think of our baby being there, her placing my hand onto her stomach to feel it kick.
Leah stirred awake and turned to face me, she kissed me before getting up to shower, leaving me groaning that she should've cuddled me longer.
"So you could rub my stomach more and think about our baby?" She smiled at me.
"How did you know?" I asked, blushing slightly.
"Because it was all I could think about last night when you placed your hand on my stomach Al, I refused to get up and put my clothes on after even though this hotel room is freezing because I wanted to fall asleep imagining our life." She said, now blushing too.
I got out of bed and walked towards her, placing my hands on her cheeks and gently pulling her forward. Leah responded by placing her hands on my waist, leaning her head closer to mine.
"We won't have to imagine soon. If you are sure that's what you want then I'm okay with it too." I said to her smiling face.
"Let's get ready, go home and start the next chapter of our journey." Leah said before pecking my lips.
Once we had landed we headed for the clinic. Leah could tell I was nervous, reaching her hand for mine and kissing my cheek every time my leg began to shake. Our doctor was very reassuring, giving us all possible outcomes in a positive way. He informed us that IVF could be draining but the clinic would support us every step. Leah told him that she would be carrying, he explained that both of us would still be the mother no matter who carried. We had to book another appointment and come back for the next step once we had talked it over and were sure we were ready.
In the car on the way home, Leah and I spoke of what the doctor had said. She was still adamant that she wanted to carry but in the most selfless manner.
"I still want to be the one to carry for us Alex. I want to do this for you and for us. I just need to know if you would prefer to. All you have to do is say the word and I will forget it. All I care about is you being happy, Al. That's all I care about in life." She said, grabbing my hand as she drove.
"I never wanted to carry anyway, Le. Just didn't want you to have to take a break from doing what you love." I said as we pulled up to the house.
Leah got out of the car, we brought in our suitcases and I put the kettle on before Amanda arrived with Milo. As I was reaching to get a cup from the cupboard, I felt Leah's arms snake around my waist. She placed a gentle kiss on my shoulder and then raised her lips to my ear.
"Al, you know what you said in the car about doing what I love?" She whispered and I nodded.
"Loving you is what I love to do most. Always."
I couldn't contain the goofy smile that had unveiled itself on my face, turning to bury my head into her chest and holding her tight.