"You're not staying?"
Karina grins. "Winter," she gives her a pointed look. "This is your hospital. You know they don't let visitors stay overnight."
Winter grows visibly flustered, and she really should've seen it coming. "Oh, that's - you're right. Of course. I should've - okay, let me talk to Bob, and I'm sure we can make an excep-"
"Win. Winter!" Karina catches Winter's arm just as the suddenly frantic woman is about to run off somewhere. "It's okay. It's my mother's shift, she'll stay with him. I'll come back here first thing in the morning. She let me look at his chart. He's not in a critical condition and he needs his rest anyway. Plus, he told me to go get some sleep and he wouldn't take 'no' for an answer."
Winter stills and turns, giving Karina a careful, slow look. When a moment passes and she doesn't say anything, Karina shifts on her feet. "What?"
She watches as Winter shakes her head, losing the trance she seemingly found herself in. "Nothing, I just..." she blinks, coming closer to Karina. Tentatively reaches out and brushes a lock of raven hair away from her face. "Your smile is happy, and it's... It's very beautiful," she finishes quietly. "And I'm so happy for you. For your father."
All Karina can think - feel - of doing is leaning forward and resting her forehead against Winter's. Closing her eyes, knowing Winter will do the same. She smiles wider when she feels Winter's long lashes graze her cheeks when she does exactly that.
"Thank you," she croaks out. "For everything. Winter, thank you so much." She's out of breath, almost completely, by the time she's finished speaking, because - her dad's okay. Alive. Breathing and speaking and able to squeeze her hand back, clumsy, sloppy, when she squeezes his. All thanks to Winter. Yes, she knows that it's another week or maybe even a month before they'd be able to tell if it really was the new treatment that helped or he did it on his own, but she also knows that it was the program that gave her, her father back. The program and timing. If Winter didn't put his name in the first wave, there's a good chance he would've died before the second wave of the program rolled around.
Her plan worked.
(She leans in and presses a soft kiss to Winter's lips just before Winter begins to say she shouldn't be thanking her, and maybe the plan didn't work out quite the way she imagined, but when she feels Winter start to kiss back, she can't help but think that it's not a bad thing at all.)
"Shh," she whispers when she pulls away and Winter goes to say something. She's not... She can't say she's entirely sure about everything between them, but - she's getting there. She wants to get there, she thinks. But there are too many thoughts and feelings making her head spin, and she needs some time to make sense of it all. So she smiles. "Let's go home."
*
How do you know you're in love? The thought flashes through her mind over and over as she runs down the stairs that are so familiar yet so foreign. It's been - how long has it been since she was here last? She can't even remember. She's sure she'd be able to if she tried. But she doesn't want to.
She drove over to Jeno's. Winter took her home and held her till she fell asleep, but around two, she woke up with a start, and there was a text. From Jeno. She didn't even know how he found out about her father, but he texted her he was happy. And - she wanted to ignore him. She really, really did, but something stopped her. She thought, with a scared heart, that it was longing, and maybe it was. They shared a past. Memories. Love, even.
So when he called her, two minutes after sending that text, she picked up.
"Hey," Jeno's strangled greeting was quiet, but to her, it rang loud, too loud with Winter in the next room. "I miss you."
And she knew - she fucking knew it was a bad idea, so why did she climb out of bed, took his call and drove over to him? She missed him, she tells herself, now, sitting behind the wheel in her car. She missed him. He meant something to her. He still means something to her.
But that's not what he wants, and driving here was a bad, bad idea. She thought - she wanted to make it better for him, but she only made it worse.
Story of my life, Karina chuckles to herself bitterly and starts the engine.
How do you know you're in love? Karina's no expert, but perhaps she has something that resembles an answer to that question. Maybe. Maybe you know when you leave your fake girlfriend to drive to your kinda-ex-boyfriend in the middle of the night because he's crying and you feel bad. And then, maybe, you know when you knock on his door and he's drunk and pale and you feel worse, but not for him. Maybe, you know when you realize you never felt bad for him in the first place. You feel bad because you left your kinda-fake girlfriend alone on a Christmas night, and that's all you really can think about while you half-listen to your ex-boyfriend's slurred speech. And you know, when he tries to kiss you - you definitely know that's not what you want, and you know when it hits you that it doesn't matter if he's drunk and a mess. That's not why you don't want to be here. That's not why you never should've come here.
You know - you know you're in love when panic sets in and you think about her curled up alone in your bed. Waking up alone in your bed, confused and missing you and not knowing where you are while you're here and why the hell are you still here?
You know when you push him away and run till your lungs burn, and you sit in your car and listen to your heart calm down. Slower. Slower. Deep breath, skip a beat, and restart, full of this new knowledge that sits in your chest, heavy but not uncomfortable.
And you know - you don't even stand a chance when you come back to your apartment and tiptoe into your bedroom where she's still - thank God - sleeping, cuddling your pillow. You know, because your chest hurts so bad and you never want it to stop. You know when you climb back into bed and she wakes up from the cold that you brought in and you know it when you think there's nothing better than watching her blink the sleep away.
Maybe that's not how you know you're in love, but Karina doesn't really have anything else to compare it to. With Jeno, she kinda expected it, because it was always expected. And maybe it makes her a terrible person - this and a million other things - but now that she knows, she's not sure she was ever really in love with him. Everything fades away under falling snow, and her past feelings seem so bleak she wants to laugh at how blind she's been this entire time.
She's in love with Winter. She loves her. She loves her and she wants to yell that at the top of her lungs and she never, never wants to stop kissing her. So she doesn't.
"You're cold," Winter mumbles into her cheek, and Karina wants to laugh.
"I went out. I'll tell you everything later." She has to. But tonight - just tonight. She just wants this one night to unabashedly enjoy the knowledge and the feeling of being in love with Winter. Enjoy Winter.
When Winter finally wakes up enough to realize what's going on and tries to roll them over, Karina stops her. Revels in her own confidence and desire she doesn't have to suppress and hold back anymore. "Let me... I wanna take care of you. Tonight. Can I - I mean, can you-"
Winter's kiss tastes like hesitation, but Karina knows it's not about her and her abilities. "If you're sure," she whispers to her after gently pulling away, and Karina does laugh this time. If only Winter knew how sure she is. If only she knew how long Karina's waited for this without even being aware she did. And so, instead of answering, she shows her.
"Just be with me," she whispers in-between kisses, throat closing with emotion. Winter's warm and pliant underneath her. She suddenly wants her to feel how needed she is. Loved - without saying it, for now. She won't feel right saying it when Winter doesn't know the whole truth. Yet, she tells herself. Not yet.
But she needs Winter to know how much she craves her.
Winter's abs quiver where her fingers travel to the waistband of her boxers, and she stills, searching her face. In the dark, her features are harsher, lines sharper, but her shallow breathing smoothes it out.
Wide eyes look back, warm, but a little lost, and Karina grazes the line of her jaw with her lips, ventures up to her open mouth. Kisses and kisses and kisses until there's no air and both of them are breathing hard and fast, hearts fluttering in their chest. She wants to try a million things at one, but she knows she won't be able to stop pressing her lips to Winter's. All of this is given to her so freely, with no expectations, and what an absolute fool she's been-
She finds Winter slick and ready for her when her fingers slip underneath her underwear, and the way Winter gasps in her mouth is nothing short of divine. She wants to record that sound and listen to it, all the fucking time. Wants to bottle Winter's scent and keep it all to herself. Keep her all to herself.
She's been holding herself back and denying this for so long, even half-knowing the truth.
Finding the right rhythm is surprisingly easy. She simply watches Winter as she bites her lip, rolls her hips up to meet Karina's fingers circling her clit. Winter frowns when she ventures too far to the right and moans when she firmly rubs her fingers up and down; lets out an impatient sigh when Karina slowly enters her with one finger and arches when she adds another one, stroking upward just like she does to Karina. Her eyes fly open, shocked and pleading, and Karina hopes her gaze is able to convey everything coiled inside her chest.
Winter's not much louder than usual. She's all breathy moans and sighs and intense stares, and Karina loves everything she's willing to give. She struggles not to let an 'I love you' slip out when Winter's moans grow just a little louder. When she feels her inner walls flutter; when she feels her seep through her fingers.
"Karina," Winter breathes. Begs. "Kiss me," and Karina complies because if she doesn't, she'll yell about her love and she can't do that yet.
The way Winter falls apart is almost shy, Karina notes with wonder. It's unusual - amazing - to hold her when she comes, Karina's fingers inside her and Karina's arm around her. Her hands clutching Karina's shoulders and her chest pressing into Karina's when she arches her back off the bed with a long, desperate moan before reaching down and stilling Karina's hand, keeping her thumb firmly pressed to her throbbing clit. Karina files that away for future use - files every little thing away - and grins into the kiss, swallowing the sounds Winter produces, hot and obscene and perfect. She wants to learn Winter in and out. Wants to be the only person in the world who can make her feel this good, and it doesn't matter that she doesn't deserve it. Right now, in this bed, with Winter trembling in her arms, she knows she'll do everything she can and can't do to become someone who deserves Winter. If she'll have her.
Karina pushes the thought away and kisses Winter again, caressing her cheek and not asking why it's wet.
*
She wants to remember this forever: this slow morning and Winter's gentle kisses and snow softly falling outside the window. The sun is up, but it's not visible behind the clouds, and everything is white. Karina lies there for a while, watching the snow fall and smiling when she feels Winter press another small kiss to her naked shoulder. She pretends to be asleep for a while longer; just enough to bask in the moment.
"Merry Christmas," Winter whispers near her ear before nuzzling it, and she laughs, rolling over to look at her.
"You knew I was awake, didn't you?" She traces the lines of Winter's face as she speaks, committing it to memory. Just yesterday, she wasn't sure about her feelings for Winter, and today, she's in love with her - but she knows that's not how it works. She's been falling her for a long time; has been in love with her for quite some time, too. It's the realization that came late. But not too late. She hopes it's not too late.
She'll tell her everything. Today. Later today, selfishly, she wants to keep this morning after to herself, too.
Winter smiles. "I did," she replies to Karina's earlier question. "Your breathing changes when you wake up and fall asleep. It's not hard to tell."
"I'm still not sure if it's creepy or sweet," she lets Winter know with a chuckle, nibbling at her jawline next and reveling in her small sighs. "How are you feeling?" she rasps, the implication clear in her voice when her fingers dance on Winter's naked thigh.
Winter clears her throat. "I - um. I feel - God, Karina - I feel great," she's almost panting when she finishes talking, and Karina can't help a smug smirk that spreads across her lips.
"I'm glad," she whispers into her skin. "We have to get up now, but when we come back, I fully intend on making you feel this great all over again." If you let me after I tell you everything, she thinks with a lump in her throat.
"I have no objections," Winter stutters, and Karina laughs.
*
Her mother calls her when Winter's in the shower - she refused to let Karina join her because 'you and I both know we won't make it in time', and Karina made sure to pout at her until she disappeared into the bathroom, laughing.
"Hey, mom."
"Hi, honey," her mother's voice is young and vibrant on the other end, and Karina feels her own smile grow. "Someone had a very merry Christmas, I assume?" she asks dryly, but not unkindly, almost making Karina choke on air.
"Mom," she hisses, feeling her face grow hot. The shower's still on, but she knows Winter can be quick when she needs to. "That's - you know what, I'm not going to dignify that with a response. We're on our way to the hospital." They can get breakfast in the cafeteria when they get there. She remembers the waffles being pretty damn good.
There's a tiny flash of disappointment in her chest because she finds she wants to cook Winter a huge breakfast, but it can wait.
"Actually," her mom sounds apologetic, and Karina feels her stomach grow cold. "About that. You don't need to come here, not right now. He's sleeping and I intend it to stay that way until lunch."
Karina's smile fades. "Oh." But he just woke up. He's been sleeping for the last three months.
She knows her mother is right, however. First of all, she's a doctor - not her dad's doctor since that's a conflict of interests, but she's a damn good doctor and if she agrees with whatever his actual doctor recommends, then it must be the right thing to do. And she has enough knowledge herself to realize that's not how it works. Her dad wasn't actually sleeping these last three months. He was dying. Now, he needs his actual rest. He's weak, and it's normal.
"Okay," she says next, quietly.
"Oh, honey," her mom coos apologetically. "I know you wanted to see him, but you'll have to wait just a little longer. We'll see you at two, okay? Both of you," she huffs, but Karina's happy to realize it's mostly for show. "Your father talks more about Winter than you do, I swear."
"He knows a good person when he sees one," Karina tells her mom proudly.
Janet sighs. "Yeah, or he's just happy she can't accidentally get you pregnant."
"Mom!" Karina finds it so outrageous she misses Winter's exit from the shower. "That's not why!"
"Sure," a smirk is palpable in Janet's voice. "See you soon, baby. Go have fun."
"Jesus," Karina mutters. "I'll go before you say anything else and give me intracerebral hemorrhage."
"Oh I'm sure Winter is-"
"Bye, mom!" Karina practically yells as she hangs up, tossing the phone away and slapping her forehead with an agitated sigh. Well. Better this than her hating Winter, she supposes.
"Is everything okay?" she hears, and lifts her head from her hands to look at Winter. Wet, dripping, fresh out of the shower Winter. She watches, transfixed, as a lone droplet of water slides down her neck, between her breasts, past her navel before reaching a towel Winter loosely tied around her hips.
God. It's like she's sculpted. Or photoshopped.
"Karina." Her eyes flick back up, with certain difficulty, tracing plump lips curls in a small smile. "We'll be late." But she doesn't miss the way Winter lightly scratches at her abs and hooks a thumb under the towel, nonchalantly making it slide even lower down her hips, and fuck, that v cut looks delicious.
Two can play at that game, she thinks and slowly pushes the sheet down her body, reveling in Winter's dark gaze as she rises to her feet, naked body on display. "Actually," she breathes, "we were asked to come after two, so..." she bites her lower lip for good measure. "I'm not in a hurry. Are you?"
Winter only smirks and unties her towel, letting it fall to the floor.