Hey @okegoms , thank you so much for your request and support! <3<3
Since you didn't specify for it to be strictly fluff I figured I could play around with the idea a bit. I hope it's okay! (It's not really angsty either. Samekichi is just tsundering A LOT).
**
I still remember your soft lips trying to slide onto mine.
I was always kissing you in a hurry, quickly, as if I had somewhere else to be.
During the night, behind a wall, behind a tree. Far away from other people's intrusive eyes.
I let myself be kissed as if I was a fleeing animal. As if it was a crime.
I looked around nervously before your face leaned closer to mine, as if I was afraid that somebody could see us.
My lips barely touched yours, as soon as I felt contact with you I suddenly withdrew, as if your mouth was burning hot. Sometimes, you still got closer to me, and I was always trying to slow you down, subtly pulling back, second after second.
I kissed you like I didn't know what I was doing, and yet I was exceedingly sober: I never let myself get carried away by your passion and enthusiasm.
<<Why are you acting like this?>> you would ask me: <<Why will you never get loose? Stay with me. Nobody is trying to catch us>>.
No, nobody was trying to catch us.
Kissing you was like being overwhelmed by a wave - a wave that slammed against my body like it was a rocky cliff, devastating me for an istant, leaving me soaked and trembling from the cold, shaking. And with the urge to flee before the next freezing wave could crash onto me.
After every kiss I took you by your shoulder and put some distance between us, softly, of course, but firmly. I avoided your gaze, looking away, and I often went away soon after.
<<Stop running, Samekichi. Why won't you tell me what's wrong? What's your problem?>>.
One night you managed to stop me from running away, and you forced me to look you in the eye.
I probably resembled a deer in headlights.
<<Are you using me to cheat on somebody? Why are you in such a hurry?>>.
<<Of course not!>> I replied.
<<Then what's wrong?>>.
I sighed: <<How can I explain...?>>.
I was always shaken when you touched my skin, my face. I didn't know how to react. I didn't know what to do with it.
My stomach wasn't full of butterflies and nice feelings when you held me close. I only remember my throat getting dry and tying itself in a knot, my palms sweating, a lack of appetite.
Having kissed you, this rice has a bitter taste.
I almost had the urge to scratch an annoying itch from my skin after you hugged me for too long.
I felt like a wild animal in front of a hunter whenever I saw you.
But I knew I didn't want to run away from you. I wasn't running away from you.
I've always wanted to stay with you. I wish I didn't react that way when I was in your company. I wished my nerves could just calm down. I wanted the thought of you to feel reassuring.
I almost wanted to ask you to help my body finally relax, but even if you tried to my reaction wouldn't probably be very different. It might even be worse.
You scare me.
Your love scares me, it makes me terrified.
I could sense your eyes like pins on my skin. Stuck in waiting. I refused to face you directly.
<<You're such a sweet person, really. But maybe it's not what I want right now>>.
You suspended your breath.
Your hands were still around my arms, in the attempt to nail me against the tree behind me.
But your grip was gradually loosening.
<<Maybe I need to put a little distance between us, I'm not sure. I'm really uneasy whenever you say that you love me and you show me too much affection>>.
My voice struggled to get out of my throat. It was almost cracking.
<<I hope you can understand me>> I added.
<<Do you think it's because of me?>> you said. I was about to reply, but you continued: <<Or maybe it's because of you? Have you ever asked yourself why you feel uneasy and awkward? Have you ever asked yourself why you never manage to let yourself be, not even in my company? Not even in your own company?>>.
<<That's none of your business>> was my impulsive answer.
I already exposed myself enough through my honesty.
You didn't need to know more.
You didn't need to get to know me more.
I didn't want to be known more than I already was.
<<So? Come on, go on>>.
<<I don't want for this to be over>> I was soon to add, without looking at you.
<<Nice, it didn't seem like it>>.
<<I just need more... no, less... less tenderness. I need to get used to this>>.
There was a moment of silence.
I noticed you breathing in deeply, trying to calm yourself down.
I knew that the one thing you hated was feeling like you were too much.
<<I know that it hurts you>> I finally said: <<I'm really sorry. I truly don't know how to apologize. Just so you know, it's not about you. It's really not about you>>.
Your hands were still barely touching my arms, hanging.
Only then did you let them go.
<<Why don't you trust me?>> you finally said.
<<I want to trust you>> I replied: <<I truly want to. But... I can't>>.
You had endless patience, for a guy like me.
I truly didn't understand how you could bear with me.
Anyone else would've already left me there, for sure, that's what I told myself. Who would've ever bother to care about me?
<<Do you really want to trust me?>> you said.
<<Of course. There's nobody else I could want to trust. You know me, I think>> I answered, trying to aim a smile at you.
<<You don't feel like you have to, do you?>>.
<<Like I have to...?>>.
<<Yeah. Like you're forced to stay with me>>.
This time I was the one to take you by your hands, holding them tight in mine, finally looking you in the eyes: <<Don't you ever think about that. As I said, none of this is about you. It's me - I'm the one that doesn't know how to deal with something so wonderful. I need to understand how to manage these feelings. I just need some time. I'm serious>>.
<<Are you sure?>>.
<<Yeah. I'm actually afraid I'm being selfish by asking you to wait for me. Is it selfish? I'm so sorry. Maybe it's not something I have the right to ask. Maybe you'd better... I don't know, maybe you'd better look for somebody that isn't me>>.
<<Ssh, Samekichi, what are you talking about?>> you frowned your eyebrows, and your hand was on my cheek again. Your touch never felt this soft: <<I'll stay right here. I'm willing to wait for you. The trust that you wish you had... maybe it's something we can build with time>>.
I was almost afraid of your patience.
I was afraid I didn't deserve it.
I stopped. I resisted the urge to bring my walls up once again, and I let your words sink into my stomach, so that they could echo inside of my gut. I let you touch me to my core. I let myself believe in you. I was paralyzed, but you were caressing me and it reminded me that everything was okay, that it was okay to be afraid.
<<I really hope so>> I whispered.
That night was like the first ray of light after a long storm, a ray of light breaking through the dark clouds.
A sunray that was filling me with courage and hope.
Maybe the worst had passed. Maybe we found a way to start over.
I didn't have the courage to ask for it, but your hug would've reassured me that you really meant to stay with me despite it all.
A side of me sighed with relief at this tought. After all, maybe, I actually desired your physical contact.
After all, maybe, I actually desired you.
I couldn't resist, and I was the one to hug you.
You didn't pull back, like I was afraid you would.
I held you close and, despite my shallow breath, feeling your body against mine finally didn't put me in a hurry. Slowly, I tighten my grip. I wanted to feel every inch of you against me.
Your cheek was against mine, your hands in my hair, as you were stroking them gently.
Your touch gave me newfound energy.
I started kissing you, it was rare that I was the one to do it first.
I lingered on your lips, relaxing, feeling my body almost wishing to fuse with yours, like two pieces of burning molten metal. I wasn't a rock anymore, the rock your passion slammed against: gradually, my rock started melting, eroding itself, liquefying and, like water, your waves came crashing onto me, receving my waves as an answer. Like two distinct sea currents that mixed and interwove with each other, until it was impossible to tell them apart.
I didn't attempt to resist you anymore.
For that night at least, my walls became water, and the force of my tide was almost more insistent than yours, you were being taken and overwhelmed by me more than the opposite.
Even our movement and our rhythm was like that of the waves - one after the other, an urge after the other, our bodies were rocking against each other, holding tight, grasping, my arms around you, I held you strong to keep you up and prevent you from falling.
For that night at least.
But I didn't feel awkward anymore, I felt present, with you, in that moment, I stopped ruminating and being stuck in my head. I had been like a bunch of strings being pulled to their very limits, electrified by anxiety and sorrow: but now I was water, pleasurably melted.
My movements were fluid and natural, for once I wasn't high-strung and impatient to end it as soon as possible. I had nowhere to go. I had no gaze to run away from, not even my own.
I didn't need to rush it and get it over with before the awkwardness and shame could catch me again. For that night at least, I had nothing to distract me. My mind was peacefully silent, the only thing that resonated in it was the burning desire I had for you.
**
The tidewave was finally over, and I held you even closer, catching my breath. My heavy breathing on your sweaty neck. I stroked the back of your head, and made you lean against my shoulder. I slowly started massaging your neck, listening to your exhausted sighs.
I felt like I had a fever - my body was hot, but almost cold from sweat.
Silence followed, for a few nice minutes. Finally drowning in such sweetness, I didn't want to come up for air anymore. I hoped I would never wake up, and that I could always stay in your arms.
<<Samekichi>> you whispered: <<...I'm worried that this night will end>>.
I patted your head gently: <<...It won't end>> I replied: <<I don't want it to end either, therefore it won't end>>.
<<It won't?>>.
<<It won't>>.
<<What should I do if you avoid me again tomorrow morning?>>.
<<It won't happen>>.
<<What if you avoid me again the morning after tomorrow? How can I reassure you and make you relax like tonight?>>.
I stayed silent for a moment. It sounded like such a vague question. I didn't even remember how I managed to get loose. The present seemed eternal - always had been, always would've been. Even if I knew that it wasn't necessarily true.
<<Would it help you if we chatted more before kissing? Would you rather if I reached out to you less? Maybe you want me to hug you less? Maybe...>>.
<<The fear of losing you>> I finally answered: <<The fear of losing you brings me to inevitably reach out for you, no matter how. It dissolves any shame I might have because of needing you. I need to know that you will stay with me in spite of it all. And if any reason to doubt this comes up, I can't pretend I don't care anymore>>.
You rose your head to look at me as I was speaking. In the end, you grinned a bit: <<It means I'd better not give you any certainty. Make you believe that you could lose me at any moment>>.
<<Please, don't do it>>.
<<We will see>> you laughed softly.
You shined so bright in the dark of the night.
I realized that all I wanted was to see you happy.
**
A/N
If you got the lyric reference, you win a cookie! <3
And even if you don't get it, here's the song: https://youtu.be/xV01a2uUAfk
I put it up there before but the beat doesn't match with the writing style at all, it's distracting while reading! So I changed it. If you like my music taste I can share some playlists on request, lol!