Weeks went by and with every one that passed, the desire to tell Cal about Felix faded. Too much time was passing by and now it had become basically impossible to tell him without the consequence of an argument. If he wasn't mad about the kiss itself then he would certainly be furious that I'd kept it from him for so long.
The weather was warming up now we were somewhat through March and I had been doing everything in my power to avoid Felix. I didn't visit Cal's shop at all, making excuses that I had work to do or that I was seeing my friends. If I knew Felix was coming around to our apartment with Cal, I'd quickly make a break for it and if they turned up unexpectedly, I hopped into the shower or went right to bed. I even missed out on all of the evenings they had drinks together if he was there. The guilt was too much to be around him playing pretend when Cal was clueless and I hated myself for letting it get this far.
'Deep in thought there...' Penny murmured, studying me carefully before she slowly placed a square of chocolate into her mouth.
I shook off the thoughts of Cal and Felix who were out having drinks together with the rest of the guys from the shop. They had invited me. "Sarah will be there." Cal had tried to get me to join thinking Sarah was the perfect friend for me to have there but Sarah being there only doubled my guilt knowing she had no clue either.
'Just daydreaming,' I lied, adjusting my position on my bed and returning my attention to Pretty Little Liars on my TV as I grabbed my cherry cola and sipped at it.
'You're thinking about Felix,' Penny sighed.
I twisted my face at her. 'Ew, don't say it like that.'
'I mean the kiss!' she replied. 'And the fact Cal still doesn't know.'
'I'm a fucking idiot, Pen,' I groaned. 'An idiot and a complete pussy.'
'Yeah, you are a pussy,' she giggled. 'What are you so afraid of?'
'Besides how long I've held onto the lie and pretended I didn't know Felix before Cal introduced us?' I murmured. 'I'm scared he'll leave. I'm scared we'll go back to how things were last year only that it will be worse this time.'
'So you're going to hold onto this for the rest of your life?' she questioned. 'Trying to make him understand and forgive you and move past the lie will be so much easier than living with it forever.'
'And if he breaks up with me and I lose him?' I asked her. 'Don't you think that will be the hardest of all?'
'It's the risk you take,' she sighed. 'But he deserves the truth, Bethan. He would tell you if it were the other way around.'
I shook my head. 'No, Pen, he-.'
'Yeah, I know, he would never kiss anyone else in the first place,' she reiterated.
I heard the sound of the apartment door open and my heart rate spiked as I anticipated hearing Felix's voice.
'Bethan?' Cal called out.
'I'm gonna' head out,' Penny said, getting to her feet and grabbing her bag.
I opened my mouth to beg her to stay a little longer but Cal entered the room before I could.
'Oh, sorry for just walking in, I didn't know you were here, Penny,' he said, halting in the doorway. He looked so beautiful with his hair pulled back into a top-knot, his baggy shirt hanging on his defined frame and his jeans a little tighter than what he would usually wear, revealing his evident package.
'That's okay, I was just leaving,' she told him.
He nodded and smiled. 'Want me to drive you home?'
'Have you been drinking?' I asked him, raising an eyebrow.
He chuckled. 'Okay...do you want me to take a cab home with you to make sure you get there okay?'
'Oh, don't be silly!' Penny cried. 'I'll be fine.'
'Honestly, I can just jump right back in it to come home, I don't mind,' he told her. 'It's pretty dark out now.'
'Cal, thank you, but I'll be okay,' she giggled. 'There is security on campus and as an extra precaution, I have pepper spray.'
He was such a gentleman and I adored him for it.
'I'll come wait down on the street with you until you're in your cab,' he told her, and she caved and finally agreed to it.
After giving me a hug, Penny left and Cal followed her down, leaving me alone with my thoughts again. I picked up my phone and saw a text from Tiffany which had pictures of her and April out partying. I still stayed in touch with Tiff and April but my communication with Millie and Kady had died out. It was a shame. Those girls had been my best friends back when I had moved to my new school in The Falls.
Finally, Cal returned to the apartment and came into the room with a mischievous grin. This was how I knew he was pretty drunk. He was always so giddy.
Taking a seat on the bed, he rested a hand on my lap and squeezed it. 'So, I come with some exciting news.'
'Oh god, you're pregnant!' I joked, evoking a musical laugh from him that made me smile.
'Better than that,' he told me. 'I mean, at first I opposed to it but I realised how much you'd love it so then I decided I'd love it too.'
'Tell me,' I told him, feeling slightly anxious at what this could be. He seemed pretty excited and said it was something good but right now I dreaded receiving any sort of surprise news.
'Spring break is coming up right,' Cal began.
I nodded. 'Yeah, I was thinking we would just head back home to see our families or something.'
'I'd been thinking that too,' he replied. 'But we're not.'
'We're not?' I repeated, curiously. 'So what are we doing?'
'Tori has booked us all some huge house to stay in during spring break,' he told me, a smile on his face. 'It's like an oversized cabin with loads of bedrooms and bathrooms, a hot tub, a swimming pool, tennis courts and a huge lake with like big inflatables and trampolines on the water.'
He waited for my face to break into a smile but I couldn't even force it. My stomach was in knots. 'Wow...that's...' My voice eluded a lack of enthusiasm and it made me feel terrible but I couldn't hide it. 'What do you mean by "booked us all" though?'
'Well...all of us,' he replied, his smile fading as he picked up on my attitude. 'Me, you, Tori, Charlie, Sadie, Felix and Sarah. She also left some slots open for your friends so you can invite four people...if you want to, of course. I'm sorry...I thought you'd be psyched about this; I'm a little confused as to why your face looks like I just told you I'm moving away to fucking Mars or something...'
I closed my eyes softly and ignored my pounding heart as I tried to control myself. The immediate instinct inside of me was to push away the negative display and force on a smile before lying and pretending I was ecstatic for the trip. It had gone too far now. Two weeks away in an isolated cabin with Felix, Cal, Sarah and one big secret? I couldn't do it anymore.
'Bethan?' Cal questioned, and I could hear his annoyance in his tone. 'Why don't you sound happy about this? What's going on with you lately, you've been so withdrawn? Don't start doing this whole distance thing, please.'
It was time for the truth. I opened my eyes which were daring to fill with tears and I took a deep breath. 'I need to tell you something...and...I'd really like for you to let me finish speaking before you react because...I know that when you do react it's probably going to result in you walking out of here and never speaking to me again.'
I watched as his face filled with anxiety and fear. I watched his throat as he gulped but he nodded slowly. 'Tell me.'
I took another deep breath and drew in all of the courage I could find in myself to tell Cal the truth about what I had been hiding from him for several months now.
'Okay,' I began, exhaling slowly. 'I've been lying to you.' I paused as I waited for him to give a response but he stayed silent as I had asked him to. I saw the flicker of his eyebrows, the clench of his fist and I knew his heart was likely pounding with anticipation but he didn't react, so I continued. 'When we were going through our rough patch, I told you that I kissed someone in a bar and we got through that. The truth is, at the time he was a stranger; a nobody who I'd never see again, never communicate with again and wouldn't even think about again. Until, I did see him again.'
Cal didn't move a muscle. He was completely tensed up and I knew a million possibilities were running through his head as to where this was going.
I felt my hands beginning to shake but I ignored it and carried on, knowing it was cruel to keep him waiting. 'The guy I kissed...it was...it was Felix, Cal.'
The silence in the bedroom was louder than a thousand drums all being beaten at the same time with such anger and force. I wanted him to break it. I wanted him to just start yelling at me or smash up some furniture. The quiet, still, unmoving Cal who was sitting calmly and staring at me with bewildered eyes was unsettling.
'I didn't know who he was,' I told him. 'When I walked into the shop and you introduced me to him, obviously I knew who he was but I-I-I just didn't know how to tell you! I idiotically pretended I didn't know him and thought it would all just go away but my guilt has been getting worse and worse and I have lied to you for like three months now and I am so sorry! I should have told you. I let you be his friend and I let him work for you. I feel like a complete asshole but I was so scared to tell you. After I stupidly pretended I didn't know him, I didn't know how to go back on it and admit that I'd lied and it just became harder.'
He began to nod slowly and swiped his nose with his thumb as he processed his thoughts. 'So...you told me now because we're going to be spending two weeks of spring break with him?'
'I could not have spent two weeks there with him living with this lie,' I confessed. 'I knew I was going to tell you eventually, Cal, but I thought the right moment would just come up at some point. It turns out it was this; I can't spend spring break with my boyfriend, the man I kissed behind his back and that man's fucking clueless girlfriend.'
'Sarah doesn't know?' Cal asked me.
'No,' I replied, feeling even worse. 'I don't even think Sarah knows he cheated on her at all.'
Cal was silent for what felt like hours and I gave him the time to accept my revelation and process it but as each minute ticked by I became more and more worried.
'Cal?' I questioned, feeling terribly anxious as my hands continued to shake. Was he about to pack his shit and leave me?
He finally looked at me, studying my face carefully, and then he reached out and took my hand. 'It's okay.'
'What?' I gasped. 'It's okay? It's not okay, Cal, I lied to you-.'
'And you shouldn't have,' he sighed. 'We promised no more lies, Bethan.'
'I know and I fucking hate myself for it!' I pleaded.
'But I can see why you were scared,' he murmured. 'You pretended you didn't know him in the moment because you were caught off guard seeing him and reacted quickly. Then you didn't know how to tell me that the reaction had been a lie and I'm guessing you've been battling with your mind about telling me this whole time...'
I nodded quickly as I felt a lump form in my throat. 'I have!'
'I'm sorry you've been dealing with that,' he told me. He apologised to me! How had I gotten so lucky to find this man? He was perfect; I didn't deserve him. 'You were wrong to keep it from me but I do understand. You don't have to worry anymore. It's out in the open now. Is there anything else you're keeping from me? Now would be the time-.'
'No,' I interrupted. 'Nothing at all. I promise!'
'Okay, good,' he said, opening out his arms for me and I scurried forward and climbed into his lap, hugging him tightly. 'Then we're good. Do you still want to do spring break then?'
I sat up and looked him in the eye, so amazed by his calmness and willingness to carry on as normal. The old Cal would have flipped out. The old Cal would have told me to go fuck myself before proceeding to head to Felix's place to kick the shit out of him. He was a different man now. I respected him so much. 'Well...I would like to but...what about Felix?'
Cal shrugged softly and brushed my hair from my face. 'Don't you worry anymore over Felix. I will deal with him.'