My stomach is churning and not in a good butterfly fluttering kind of way as we wait for Jiho to join us for practice today. It feels more like someone is laying down bricks in the pits of my belly making me feel heavier by the second.
Ms Noh is evidently distracted, she keeps glancing down at her phone and she barely pays attention to me while I run through my lines. Mr Wan is here as well and he's busy reading some theology book.
He seems to be the only calm person in the room right now and thankfully he ignores me while I blunder through the second half of my rap verse.
After a few absurdly tense minutes I finally can't take it anymore.
"Is everything, okay?" I ask to no one in particular but my gaze is fixed on Ms. Noh. I still feel uncomfortable around Mr. Wan even though he's barely looked at me the entire session.
Only Ms Noh bothers responding with a terse nod. "I'm sure you've read the tabloids by now. Viva is currently blowing up on social media and not in a good way."
"All publicity is good publicity." Mr. Wan speaks up. "Unless our stock price drops then Jiho would be in real trouble."
Great, if I wasn't already worried enough, now I find myself squeezing the jute material of the seat beneath my butt.
"Wasn't Silver also embroiled in a dating scandal last year?" I refer to one of Jiho's group mates, Silver, who is aptly know for his platinum silver hair and matching eye brows. He was caught at a very exclusive ramen place with an unknown girl and the news had circulated online for weeks.
Thankfully, after approximately two months and a very busy Viva schedule, the scandal had died down and people eventually forgot about it. Everything went back to normal soon after and that is considered one of the best case scenarios in the industry.
I've heard of singers being kicked out of their groups or companies for similar improprieties. But if Firefly didn't dismiss Silver, surely they wouldn't kick out Jiho, right?
"Silver is lucky. His fans aren't so intense," Mr Wan murmurs without looking up from his book.
"It all depends on the type of fans you have. Viva's fans tend to be quite supportive as a whole but Jiho and Chan have many possessive fans who can be quite aggressive and delusional. Remember that sasaeng fan who tried to drag Chan off the stage during their last showcase?" Ms Noh tells us animatedly and her words only make me feel worse.
Panic burrows it's way into my chest and I suddenly feel choked up with guilt. The last thing I want is to be responsible for destroying someones career.
A knock on the door interrupts my thoughts and my heart pounds when I see Jiho open it slowly. His head is hung low and all I want to do is rush over and hug him but that would be the worst thing right now.
"Sorry I'm late," He murmurs, all his usual playfulness absent. His face is solemn as he walks inside and it is only then that I see Silver and Rachel walk in after him.
He hands a piece of paper to an equally confused looking Ms. Noh and she turns it over.
She then looks up at him like he'd just grown an extra head.
"They want the four of you to perform this song? And we're supposed to re-arrange it a day before recording?" Her eyes are bulging out of her head making her look like an insect.
"Firefly believes it is the best course of action right now. They were nice enough to not kick me out of the duet but it can't be just a duet anymore." He barely even looks at me when he says this, causing an ache to form in my chest.
I pretend to seem nonchalant about it. I mean to be honest this is the best case scenario right now. It means Jiho hasn't been kicked out of anything and we still get to perform together. Just with the added people.
I turn to Rachel, wondering if JinJin's investor uncle had something to do with her involvement here. Granted Rachel is one of the best vocalists in the group but she's already doing a duet Simon.
Couldn't they have picked anyone else?
"Rachel, aren't you already occupied with your duet with Simon?" Ms Noh is currently my favourite person for thinking the exact same thing.
She smiles meekly and then sneaks a glance at Jiho. "They said I would be suited better here and Grace will be replacing me for that song."
Ms Noh just stares at the three of them, her face blank. "That is a lot of last minute changes. I hope you guys are ready for an all nighter. We need to be perfect before recording tomorrow."
"Of course. Anything for Firefly," Rachel says diplomatically as she slides into the seat next to me, her face gleeful.
The fact that she has the biggest crush on Jiho makes this all the more awkward. It's like a weird love triangle scenario currently playing out before my eyes that is causing me to scratch my arm in irritation.
"I'm so sorry everyone. I'm really deeply sorry for the inconvenience caused," Jiho bows a few times before he takes a seat next to Ms Noh, which is the furthest from me. Silver takes a seat next to him and nods at the rest of us in greeting.
"Who was the mystery girl anyway? Your girlfriend?" Mr Wan asks Jiho in a friendly tone, earning a scowl from Ms Noh.
"You're not supposed to talk about it." She admonishes.
"She's just a cousin who visited for a few days and I took her to the night market nearest to our dorms." Jiho lies so effortlessly it's equal parts unnerving and amazing. "The company has already released the statement, backed by my parents of course."
He must have very understanding parents then. Mine would have my head on a stick by now. I've always belly ached to them about how hard my life has been as a trainee. The only replies I usually get from my mother are 'you better not be dating then'. As if that is the only thing to be worrying about.
"Good. Good," Ms Noh sighs. "Now we'd better get started."
The next few hours consist of us splitting up the verses further and running through them. Jiho and Rachel go through their vocals and harmonising while I work with Silver on the rap.
With the help of both Ms Noh and Mr Wan we manage to get it done by evening with just some perfecting and group harmonising to go through.
No one looks like they're tired or hungry. All of us want to get this right by tonight before our recording tomorrow. Mr Yang, the execs and producers will be there and we need to be perfect for them.
"Jina, we have a vocal lesson scheduled right now. Shall we get to that?" Mr Wan suddenly interrupts, making everyone fall silent.
"Does she really need it now?" Ms Noh asks, the irritation in her voice evident.
I turn to him in shock, I'd completely forgotten about our one on one training session.
"It's been logged in and you know how the company is about keeping to schedule Ms Noh. I'll have Jina back in thirty minutes." Mr Wan's persistence is really creeping me out and I look to Ms Noh to save me.
"Alright fine. We'll be waiting for you Jina. Don't be late."
This is the first time Jiho dares to look at me the entire day and his face is filled with worry.
"Come Jina," Mr Wan instructs. "There's something I've been meaning to share with you."
I gather my things reluctantly, promising a swift return and rush after him to his vocal studio. His practice room is so much bigger than Ms Noh's, I wonder why we haven't been practicing here instead.
"Mr Wan, you wanted to advise me on my technique before tomorrow?" I ask tentatively hoping to keep our interaction here as formal as possible.
He unbuttons his collar and rolls up his sleeves looking more comfortable in his safe place. To me this feels like a trap. I look up at the corners of his room searching for cameras but there are none.
I'm literally a sitting duck here.
He walks over to the sprawling wall of accolades behind his desk and gestures for me to join him there.
"You have been so busy. It's been hard to get you here like this," Mr Wan finally says and his voice is so tender it makes me cringe. "You remind me of her, you know."
My eyebrows raise when he looks at the picture of Dalia standing amongst a group of men and I walk over curiously. Everyone is in formal attire and it looks like they are at a launch with a red carpet.
"You knew Dalia?" Why do I sound like a mouse squeaking?
Mr Wan's eyes light up with admiration as he stares at her. "Who didn't?"
"I mean. You were close to her?" I find this so absurd. The idea of this average looking, not to mention unfriendly and arrogant middle aged producer being buddies with the biggest star in the industry.
"Yes, we were," He replies affectionately like a lover would. I suddenly remember the reporter asking me about Dalia having an affair and the song lyrics I found in her study.
My nose crinkles in disgust. Surely she wasn't having an affair with him.
"We you two a couple?" I just had to ask and Mr Wan laughs loudly like I'd just said the funniest thing.
"Dalia and me? Are you crazy? We were never lovers but friends yes. She was a genius at composing. I've never seen anyone make it look so effortless." He is staring at her face with so much longing I can't help but feel there had to be something there. Maybe in this case one sided?
I stare at the picture as well and see Dalia in a gorgeous wine red strapless gown. She is beaming into the camera, a radiant smile that looks real and I notice her gloved hands. One rests on her waist but the other is tucked behind her, hidden from view.
She is flanked on each side by six gentleman, one of them being Mr Wan but he is on the far right, there is no way he can reach her.
I study the other faces. There is the famous actor Lee Byungso, the handsome artist Li Geun and the two most famous rappers in Korea. I notice the glaringly handsome media mogul turned politician Mr Ahn standing alongside the famous Channel ambassador Mr Yul in the group as well.
Such a stunning group of powerful people, Mr Wan surely sticks out like a sore thumb at the side.
My eyes flit to all of their hands, each one crossed behind each other. Could one of them be holding Dalia's hand in secret?
"Such a shame," Mr Wan sighs sadly and then I jump when I feel his fingers stroke my forearm.
I look down and see his hand by his side making me wonder if I imagined it.
"You remind me of her," He says once again.
"In what way?" I ask. No one is like Dalia, period.
"Just the way you draw people in. It's an aura that can't be learned or bought. Must be something in the Hadong water." He must think his words are romantic because he leans in looking like he's about to kiss me.
I swear vomit just inched up my throat. I take a step back and suddenly we hear frazzled knocking on the door.
We both turn to it in unison and my eyes widen when I see Jiho barge inside hurriedly.
"Mr Wan we can't seem to get this line to sound nice and Ms Noh is panicking. I think she's about to have a breakdown, she looks catatonic."
Relief rushes through me when I see Silver and Rachel walk in as well. Mr Wan's face flickers with annoyance but he quickly masks it with a polite smile. "Lets just take it from here then."
The urge to hug Jiho is stronger than ever as we all stand by the key board and face Mr Wan. I know Jiho has done this on purpose. He came here to help me out of this even though he just went through a media shitstorm because of me.
Every cell in my body fills with gratitude and longing for this guy. The tabloid scandal should have diminished my feelings but I find them only intensifying. It feels like we are the only two people in the room and everyone else is just background noise.
Jiho and I stand next to each other and his thumb brushes against my wrist, causing goosebumps to erupt across my skin.
God dammit, I'm in trouble.