◖𓈈﹗﹙chapter special﹚
❛ ▬▬ sam . . . ❜
When he saw his older brother burst into the apartment he shared with his girlfriend it was the devonic beginning of the journey into the past. He knew it from the strange nightmares he didn't want to take seriously, and if he had, maybe things would be different and Jess would be with him. He hadn't spoken to his family in four years, when he decided to go to college and study law, looking for the apple pie life, one that his best friend was destined for. The reunion triggered feelings he thought he had outgrown. By then, the philosophy that dictated his path made him detach himself from the family nucleus that had caused him pain and caused each other so much more. Walking away was the best thing for everyone, in time things would be better. He imagined marrying Jess, having a couple of kids and making his way to work at the same law firm as Regina Arduenn. He'd prove to his family that life went on after the hunt, that you could get out and leave all that shit behind.
How wrong he was. With the death of the love of his life, his outlook on life changed. He took a second look at the past twenty-two years.
He didn't consider himself a stubborn boy. He was one of those who loved to engage in deep conversation, he was happy with debates with solid and coherent arguments. Diatribe and exchanges of perspectives that made him adopt a new point of view were among the characteristics that made up his persona. In college, he was a student who paid close attention in class, raised his hand to ask the strangest questions, and was the number one provider of notes which, in the words of his classmates, knew how to bring out the most important part of a subject, just what the professor asked on exams. His mind was as active as his body. He had had a whole year to admit things he didn't want to before and look with new eyes at his brother and father and, ultimately, the problem of hunting and revenge.
"How can there be so many people on one damn road?"
Dean's plaintive scream for the fifth time in less than ten minutes made him wonder how much he was willing to give for a reckoning. Traffic jams on freeways were one of the things that got on Dean's nerves the most, and dealing with it was even worse for Sam.
"Hey, who the fuck taught you how to drive?" These people don't know how to use their fucking turn signals."
Dean didn't stop complaining until they were back on flat, straight, clear roads. The hunter's life wasn't luxurious, it was full of stinky motels with the smell of dirty, sloppy sex, nights on the road and fight marks on his body that made more than one girl wonder what kind of guy she was sleeping with. He'd had to learn to live with Dean from the bottom. Sam was an adult who hoped the big brother-little brother dynamic would change to one of partners, but it took him months to get Dean to stop treating him like a kid...hell, he even felt his dad still treating him like a kid who needed protection. He'd had enough of that crap since he'd gone back to the old life.
He had come to the conclusion that monsters were a living evil that existed like any other evil that humans could do, for Sam the difference —in the deep essence— didn't lie in which was worse, but in how fair it was. There was nothing just about humans suffering a supernatural misfortune. How was he supposed to get justice from murder? It wasn't like he could go to the police and report a demon for killing his girlfriend. It was then —feeling most pathetic and self-centered— that he understood his father for the first time. The same thing happened to him, the love of his life was taken from him in the most brutal and horrible way possible. Sam had no memory of his mom, unlike his brother. He could understand everything his sympathy let him understand about what his father and brother lost when his mother died: that happy life Dean experienced, that unconditional love in a couple. Now he understood, the next step was clearer. He needed justice.
"Any case?" Dean asked, walking into the motel room with dinner, some burgers from some bar, the kind Dean liked.
"No," he replied pulling his laptop away from the table for the food. "I can't find anything that looks like our thing, I mean, I have a few options, but I have a hunch we'll be wasting our time."
"Dad called?" Since he didn't react as Dean expected to Dad's call, every now and then he would ask him with questioning eyes, as if he could really kill him with laser vision. "Sam," he insisted, again reaffirming who was the older one.
"No," he said reluctantly. "He will communicate when he feels like it," he said, and that was the end of the conversation, reaffirming the very different stances they had towards Dad's attitude: Sam questioned and Dean obeyed.
The journey they ran starting with a children's concern for their father's disappearance, not even knowing if he was alive, then going through enigmatic clues, but making it clear that Dad was alive and didn't want to be found, until finally the reunion, had taken Sam through a carousel of emotions, with anger playing the starring role. Dad was after the demon that killed Mom and Jess, he was chasing th demon leaving them out of the game, sitting on the bench. The problem was now theirs, it was everyone's.
Sam's nightmares had started some time before Dean showed up and dragged him off to find Dad. He'd seen the flames capture Jess's body, a sensation so vivid that when he woke up he did it with his heart racing and hot sweat soaking his body. He felt it alive, present, but he purposely ignored it so wouldn't feel like a weirdo. He was sick of feeling like a weirdo who didn't fit into society, who hid so many secrets... those days were supposed to be over. He was with his girlfriend —his future fiancée— in a student apartment, Regina had gotten him a job interview thanks to his good performance in his subjects and high grades, he was at the top of the class. His life was going the way he always wanted it to, and yet the supernatural haunted him, he couldn't shake it. The nightmares over time became more frequent until they became a problem that scared him like a small child. It was the affirmation he ran away from so much: he was a freak and always was.
He wasn't sure what they were or what they supposed, Lilith had told him he needed to be more concerned with the origin and it was certainly what he was most afraid of. Humans don't have powers, plain and simple, they don't have this kind of weirdness. God, he sounded like a character from dragons and dungeons. And if humans didn't have nightmares that came true, could sense their dead mother's presence, and moved objects with their minds, then what the fuck was he? The only good he had gotten out of them was being able to anticipate —partially— future tragedies. Saving innocent people was his consolation, and being able to see Mom. He had seen her in person, a reflection of who she once was, but the experience was greater than just a photograph. He had seen her height, how the features of her face moved as she smiled, seen her in action, and seen her in front of him. A part of her had been in the family home, making sure no one got hurt again. A true angel. Seeing her was the epitome of getting closer to justice, he understood Dad and Dean's motives like never before.
Growing up, he desperately searched for a mom. The father figure was present to him —even if Sam saw his brother as an older brother, the tendency was explicitly to embrace fatherhood— he lacked a mother figure and, like a miracle, his father had been condescending enough to leave them in the care of Regina Arduenn. She had a daughter she loved to play with. Lilith had everything Sam wanted: a huge house to always live in, a mother who had a regular job and wasn't wanted by the police for illegalities, attended the same school year after year, and a mother who loved and spoiled her. Regina treated him very well. She bought him games and magazines with fun facts about animals, took them to the park with Lilith and bought him candy, once gave him a camera so he could make home movies —although that ended in Lilith being the protagonist of all his short films and forced him to film her while she sang—, the only bad thing was that it was short-lived. When Dad realized that Regina was treating him like a child, he was leaving them less time in her care. Sam knew that part of that was Dean's fault, he didn't like staying at Regina's house, he said that "it weakened them, made them girls" Sam never agreed and even less when he grew up and saw that Lilith still had the life she wanted. Regina helped her so she could be happy. As a teenager he couldn't help but wonder, why didn't his family support him? He just wanted to get into college, any parent would be proud. Regina was proud, she told him he was going to be one of the best lawyers.
Her disappearance felt horrible. When they found out, they rushed to Lilith and helped her, but Regina simply disappeared. Lilith was devastated. She had never seen her cry like that before. He hugged her for a whole night while trying to calm her down, it was an impossible mission. Lilith's sadness and despair was of such a magnitude that it made him feel bad about his own emotions towards his father's disappearance. He couldn't believe how many tears she let out, a tide that lasted more than six hours. He had known Lilith forever, and he well remembered Regina telling her to let her emotions out, not to repress them and tell mom, yet his heart was turned upside down that night by Lilith.
As the months passed, clues as to what had happened began to haunt the supernatural world. Dean and Sam claimed that Regina got into something weird and was hiding a big secret. That tore it apart. Regina was the great defenderand example about knowing the supernatural world, understanding danger and still living a mundane life, being happy. Sam aspired to have that. Somehow or another, they would find Regina, and in the meantime, they would take care of Lilith.
Lilith, Sam and Dean were staying at Bobby's house. A perfect summer night —it wasn't insufferably hot or freakishly cold with rain— Bobby had gone to bed early after answering phones all day posing as an FBI boss, a police officer, a doctor, or just helping other hunters. Sam was sitting with Dean on the couch watching a cowboy movie "Silverado" that had Dean glued to the TV like a hardcore fan, while he just passed the time bored, complaining from time to time about the sprain in his ankle that was forcing them to sit still while it healed. Halfway through the movie, when Dean couldn't get over the excitement —he should see the obsession with men in hats— Lilith came down the stairs, earning Dean's shameless attention for a simple tight top that showed off her nipples and revealed her ribs and lower abdomen. She made her way to the kitchen and Dean took the opportunity to look her ass which was marked by the long, thin fabric pajama pants. Nothing really sexy, just pajamas.
"I'm watching Seinfeld on my laptop, are you coming?" Lilith came back from the kitchen with a glass of water and ice cubes and must have seen his bored face to offer to take him with her. "I'm watching the soup Nazi episode."
"I'm not in the mood to watch Seinfeld," he replied, "But thanks."
"Well, if you change your mind," she said bluntly and went upstairs.
"Bro," Dean exclaimed, punching him in the arm and forgetting about the movie. Judging by the look on his face, he should have gone with Lilith, "You're fucking her, aren't you? Come on, I'm your brother, you don't have to lie to me. Why would you do that? You're fucking her secretly, right?"
No matter how much he repeated over and over that Lilith was just his friend, Dean kept insisting they were sleeping together. The truth was they were a couple for a winter. Kissing was on the menu and his hands had traveled down her ass getting him aroused, but he went no further. That relationship had been a mistake, a confusion of depressed teenagers. He had left his family and had no place to stay and Lilith was recovering from anorexia. They had confused things, neither of them was in love with the other, they were friends and they worked much better that way.
"You are disgusting," he said contemptuously, really annoyed, "How many times do I have to tell you? We're just friends, we're not sleeping together, we never have. What does it take to get it through your head? Idiot."
"Sammy," he crooned again not believing him and gave him the don't-lie-to-me look, "Are you going to tell me that wasn't an obvious innuendo just now? I've seen her touch your body," Dean kept insisting they were sleeping together. "Are you telling me you're overlooking all her innuendos? Is that how much of an idiot you are?"
"That's how much of an idiot you are? You've never had a girlfriend, I don't know why I'm surprised. Nor have you ever had a girlfriend that lasted more than two weeks. If you want I'll teach you how to have a friend, and, before you ask, no, Lilith doesn't like me. We just want to be friends, we've had this conversation before. Just friends."
"You can tell me if you're gay, I'll still call you brother."
Sam ran his hands over his face, frustrated.
"Are you done Dean?"
"Now seriously, don't you ever want to fuck her? I mean, she's hot and pretty, you know, not just hot in body. She's really beautiful and legal."
It wasn't the first time he'd caught Dean looking at Lilith, he'd thought it didn't go beyond looks, deep down it was just some kind of game or something. Dean wasn't seriously thinking about sleeping with her, he wouldn't. Or would he? Now he had doubts.
"You're just kidding, right?"
"What are you blind?" There wasn't a trace of a joke. "The girl's a cherry bomb, if you don't want to fuck her, that's your problem, I will."
"No, you won't."
"Why wouldn't I?"
"Because she's Lilith, you want to ruin our relationship with her? She's not just some girl from a city we'll never set foot in again, she's Lilith. We stay at her house when we can, we met her here and we grew up with her. You can't ruin nineteen years of relationship just because you want to have sex, don't be an idiot" His brother burst out laughing. "I'm serious you idiot, you've already ruined my friendships by behaving like a needy monkey. Don't even think about it with Lilith."
It didn't do him any good, Dean was an idiot who would surprisingly get any girl he wanted, no matter how hard it was. His Lilith fixation extended far enough to reach an embarrassing scene that to this day he wished he could spoon it out of his brain: one afternoon, a wet dream had Dean making weird noises and moaning Lilith's name. He had to throw a pizza box to shut up, and when he woke up, he rushed into the bathroom to probably masturbate while the water was running. Totally disgusting. From then on he didn't want to think about Dean and Lilith anymore and clung to the idea that his friend wouldn't stoop to Dean's level, would turn him down if he tried anything.
By the end of the year, Sam had managed to complete a more mature reading of his life, emphasizing the relationship with his father and how critical he had been of his words and thoughts, more than once prayed that he would leave them with Regina. He felt like a lousy son. Despite continuing to the end with fights, unleashing old grudges and rebelling against certain attitudes, he confirmed that his dad did the best he could while trying to cope with his wife's death, exactly how he had been coping with Jess's death all year. It made him his father's son; they had more similarities than he wanted to admit. However, the self-control he was spreading so much about was completely lost after he learned the full story: the yellow-eyed demon had been visiting babies turning six months old. Sam thought his mom and Jess had died because of him, no matter how many times Dean repeated otherwise, Sam blamed himself. Somehow, he was connected to the demon, and if only he had known, if only he had been told sooner, he would be more careful about the people he included in his life. He would not have endangered Jess.
He was furious, determined to complete the revenge. He would kill the damn demon and if he had to sacrifice his life, he would do it in the blink of an eye. The problem had become his, his own, more than Dad and more than Dean. He had caused the damage. He couldn't understand Dean's sudden obsession with leaving the mission in the middle, he was focused on keeping the family together instead of getting the job done, like a soldier. hell! Dean was the damn soldier, he would say the orders and Sam would follow, grudgingly, but he would follow, that had been the dynamic since they started hunting together, why the change? Sam hoped that part of the dilemma lay in seeing him as an adult, as a partner in the job. The answer came when he least expected it, in the confrontation in the cabin with the yellow-eyed demon.
He had failed twice, the first time Dean stopped him from committing suicide, and the second, he stopped himself learning from his brother's words: killing the demon was not above everything. It wasn't above family, he finally understood that his obsession wouldn't bring Mom and Jess back. He understood Dean's reasoning: it was the three of them and that was what he had to defend, otherwise he would let the demon win.
💬 ！▬ @strxapose
( author's note )
in this special chapter we see sam's perspective during this season, I hope you liked it.vote and comment!