”I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul.” – Pablo Neruda
*
I couldn't move, even a centimetre. I didn't want to disturb her peace. The calmness on her face only soothing my heart. When have I been so near to her in the recent past? Never..
Her touch, her even breaths, her closed eyes stirred something in me. God! I hate you for doing this to me.
"Uhm...Adya! Wake up...we are about to land..", I said, my voice coming out squeaky.
She stirred a little at my voice and then slowly rose her head a little to sense the surrounding. We were on our flight from Dehradun to Delhi for Diwali vacation. And even for such a small trip, she slept like a baby. Not to forget, with her hand tangled in mine, her head on my shoulder.
She must have realised where we are because she turned to look at me and then our hands between us.
She didn't pull hers away immediately. She looked at them for a moment, and then looked at me, and then again at the hands.
- Yeah madam! You married this jerk and were sleeping on him.
Slowly, she untangled our hands, and mine was practically numb.
"Sorry..", she mumbled.
"It's fine..", I replied.
*
"Bhabhi I can't tell you how stupid that was!", My sister chimed narrating the nth story of the day.
"You and stupidity stay together.", Shanu replied making her scoff.
"I think I only called driver kaka to come pick us. Why did you both decide to ruin the peace?", I said while sitting on the front passenger seat.
I feel eyes on me and turn to see three pairs glaring at me.
"Forget him! I am glad you both came...otherwise I would have died of boredom.", I hear Adya say and that makes me roll my eyes.
"It was barely a half an hour drive."
"So what!!"
*
Our room was cleaned and furnished for our stay, and I couldn't help but remember our first few nights here. The room now has things that belong to her, and I see a huge potrait of us, on the wall behind the bed post. It was one from our college years, where I was sitting on a bench, while she, in her yellow sundress, stood behind, her hand around me. She was smiling at the camera, while I was smiling at her.
Shanu and Sanvi gifted this on our wedding but we didn't put this up for obvious reasons. I think our absence proved an opportunity.
I turn and find Adya staring at the potrait too. It made me uncomfortable at once, and so I quietly sneaked to the washroom.
When I came out, she was already done changing and was leaving the room.
I went downstairs and saw everyone sitting in the dining room, including my father, and my forever quiet father was concentrating hard on what Adya was telling him.
"Bihaan!", I heard my mother's voice, "...come and have some tea....the dinner is being prepared."
I nodded and took a place beside my mother.
"..and Papa..the exams are over so there is no new batch right now.."
He nodded, "How many days are you planning to stay?"
I was shocked he was actually talking...yes, he talks to Adya and Sanvi...and sometimes to ma too, but he never asks about our plans.
Adya looked at me for answer. I have not clearly told her that.
I looked at my father, and answered in a small voice... because let me admit, he still intimidates me, "Minimum seven days, but I can extend it as we wish."
"Good.", I was taken aback by his reply. He actually addressed me. Since choosing medical, my father barely ever talked to me, but since this wedding, he has changed a bit.
I felt a warmth in me. Something good.
"Tomorrow we have some guests coming over Adya...they could not attend your wedding and are keen to meet you."
"Who are they ma?"
"Oh...your Papa's political ally Mr.Parikshit Verma..and his family..that includes his wife and daughter. They will be here for lunch."
"Okay...I will prepare accordingly..."
*
Next morning, I wake up to see the bed beside me empty and when I come down, I find my wife rummaging the whole house. In a good way though.
She was running here and there, doing stuff, and as much as tried stopping myself, I was amused at her behaviour.
When she saw me, she went to the opposite side and then few minutes later came back with a cup of coffee, "Here! Have this and help me.."
- oh! A command from her highness, my wife!
"Okay..."
I finished the cup and then got to the work. When I took over, she left the cleaning to me, and went in the kitchen to look at the food.
It was about 11 when we were done preparing everything, and the only trash left was us.
"Ma! Everything's done...now I will go and get cleaned up..."
My mom nodded happily, "Yes go! I will take care here.."
Both of us made a run for the washroom, and we had to glare at each other to leave the bathroom knob.
"Adya? I will make it faster! Let me go!"
"That's the problem! I will take time...so let me go first!"
"I can get dressed up and leave as fast as I can."
"Yes! And I have to wear so much... it'll take time."
"You are so infuriating Adya!"
"Wish I could say something better about you Bihaan!"
We again struggled with the door knob, and since she was standing at the nearer end, she went in and squealed happily, "Looser!"
- a kid! She's a brat!
I sat down frustrated and waited for her to come out...god knows how many hours she will take.
"Bihaan!", I hear her voice from inside the bathroom way too early than anticipated. And it was comparatively softer?
"Yeah?", I asked bored.
I hear silence for a few moments before she uttered her next words, "uh..I forgot to take my towel and clothes from the bed...can you...uhm...hand them over to me?"
I was chuckling to myself, "No Adya! Loosers don't give you towels! Come and get yourself.."
I hear her heaving a sigh, "I would have not asked if I could. I have got drenched...the floor will be soaked."
"So what? You can always mop it!", I was enjoying this. Quite alot.
I hear some silence again before she said her next words, that had all the fun flying out of the room.
"Bihaan...I have removed my clothes!! Gadha kahinka!"
(Donkey!)
Okay..that silenced me. She's probably nake....oh no no Bihaan, don't go there. You are a decent man.
I stood up, and took her clothes and went inside the bathroom. She was in the shower enclosed within translucent walls. I avoided looking at anywhere unnecessary.
"Where should I keep them?"
"On the shelf...but give the towel here!"
"Hmm..", her hand was out of the glass door and I kept the towel over it. And immediately left.
- some husbandly stuff you did there!
Messily clad in the greenish blue saree, she looked like a peacock.., a messed up peacock though.
Looking away from her, I picked my own clothes and went inside the washroom. I was done within minutes, and thus when I came out, I saw her still struggling with drying her hairs, clasping a neck chain and god knows what not.
I rolled my eyes, and took the drier from her to dry my own hair.
"You don't have to wear so much things if it is so hard to manage.", I commented.
Her chuda will be gone soon, probably by tomorrow, but I know she tries hard.
She looked at me through the mirror, "Mr. Rathour I am in my in-laws place. Though I don't believe in all this, but sometimes if us sacrificing a little comfort can make our elders smile, I wouldn't mind."
I looked at her and my heart warmed at her sentences. I never wanted a submissive wife, and Adya is anything but that. But she also lacks that rigidity in her attitude, something that makes her so likeable among the elders.
The nuptial chain was too complicated and her hands had the brain of their own, and so I went forward and took charge.
Taking both the ends in my hand, I clasped it tight, and then turned her around to adjust it from the front.
"Perfect now..", I told her probably smiling a little.
She looked that stop-eating hot! And when coming from me, this is the top tier appreciation.
The saree..half blue, half green, with dark blue embroidery, her red chuda, and then such ethereal beauty. God was really in some good mood while carving this woman. She can just stand, and my heart will melt like an ice on fire.
"Bihaan... let's go..", she said in a small voice and that snapped me out if my thoughts.
Goddamnit! I was again caught staring.
The red blush on her face was the proof.
"Uhm..yeah!", And with that, I left the room like a scared cat.
*
"Bihaan!", I heard someone squeal and then me being crashed in a hug, "Oh I missed you so much!"
I recognised that voice and ofcourse I was aware who could it be.
"Hey Aruna! How are you?"
She was hugging me so tight while my parents, hers and my siblings were staring at us.
God! Save me.
"You have become more handsome!", She commented finally moving back a little.
I hastily moved back. This nearness with strange girls make me uncomfortable. I have been close to only two girls, my sister, or my best friend, who now happens to be my wife. Other women scare me.
The guests settled in the drawing room, when Adya came in with refreshments. She took the blessings from everyone.
"Oh my! She's really beautiful...", Mrs. Verma commented and I was sure mom must be wondering if she will have to protect Adya from 'nazar'.
Mom signalled Adya to sit beside me, and I made space beside me, and well was glad that she would occupy the space between me and Aruna. She was a touchy friend and i was not that comfortable with unfamiliar touches.
"So Adya and Bihan? How is married life treating you?"
"It's good.", We both uttered together making them chuckle.
"Adya! Do you know me?", Aruna said in a way too enthusiastic manner.
Well it was a really slim chance that Adya would know about her as she has zero interest in politics.
"Uhm..I do. I learnt about Verma uncle having a daughter when he became a political ally of Papa."
She does. Wow.
"Did Bihan tell you about me?"
What?
I see Adya shaking her head in a no, "We never came across any topic related to you.", I can already sense the edge in her voice.
Oh god! This better not become bad. For me.
"Oh is it! Well, last year my papa proposed mine and Bihan's wedding."
Her hand was unconsciously resting on my right leg, and god did I feel her becoming stiff at the declaration. But the Adu I knew wouldn't be taken aback for long.
Mrs. Verma chuckles uncomfortably, "Oh yes! But all good now. We are searching for a potential groom for her."
I hear Aruna snicker, "But I really liked Bihaan!"
Oh no!
"Well, then I think Bihaan must have said no? Is it?"
No second thoughts about who could say this. Adya.
I look at the front to see my both siblings trying to control their laugh. Yeah, laugh at my misery. Misery not because of what was happening right now, but misery about what is to come later.
Uncomfortable silence followed after Adya took a jibe at Aruna. My father broke it by clearing his throat and started discussing some political matters.
The ladies got involved too but my wife was fuming and an embarrassed Aruna was trying to concentrate on something my mother said.
*
Lunch was set up and I digged in because I was really hungry. Papa and Mr. Verma decided to eat outside with another few alies and have business discussion, which my mother doesn't allow on the table.
"Here!", I see Adya serving me some more kadhai paneer, which I would never refuse.
"Bhabhi! Give him some custard. He can kill for it."
Hell yes, I can.
"Bihaan loves food? Doesn't he?", I groan internally at Aruna's voice.
"Yes he does!", Adya answered on my behalf, "And he loves sweets, not bitter spicy apocalypse!"
*
After the lunch that went for like eternity, I was back in my room to take some work updates.
I hear the door opening and closing behind me, and my mind was taken back to the 9th standard.
-
Adya was severely ill and I was everyday going to her place to do my homework and teach her whatever was taught in the school. Since her viral was not contagious, I was not prohibited from visiting her. Something I was glad for.
At the school, we were given an assignment, where in normal circumstances I would have definitely partnered up with Adya. But since she was on leave, my teacher had to assign me another partner.
I did not have much issue other than forming coordination with the new girl.
The girl didn't live far from my place so I invited her over to my place so we could complete the assignment in one single day, and I could spend my next days with Adya.
And to make up for my absence beside her, I sent Sanvi and Shanu with the homework.
The next day, after coming back from school, I went straight to her place, and then directly to her bedroom.
To my extreme amazement, the doors to her room were locked, something she never did.
I knocked on her doors multiple times, and got worried about her. I then went to her mother, who was in the kitchen, cooking something.
"Aunty! What happened to Adya? Her doors are locked."
She shrugged, "I don't know son. She is fine. But she said she doesn't want to be bothered."
Bothered!? I don't bother her.
I went and knocked on the door again, "Adya! Open up...it's me."
But she did not open her door. The eerie silence of her room worried me. Her mother assured me she is alright. But I did not believe it.
Thankfully, there was a window in the corridor that went straight to her room. Although, I couldn't go in, but I can definitely see what she's upto.
I opened the window pane, and much to my amazement, she was sitting on her bed, looking intently at the door, as if waiting for another knock.
"Adya!", I called her from the window, and she turned. She looked shocked for a moment, but then diverted her eyes immediately.
"Why are you not opening your door?", I asked but no reply came. This was strange, but I knew something has made her angry.
Well, angry or not, she's still my friend.
"Open the door Adya! I am sick of standing."
I was ignored again.
"Adu please!!!", I could see her resolve melting a bit but she again assumed that strict stance.
"Ad..."
"Stop talking!! Why don't you go to your new partner?? You should probably make her your friend. No best friend!!"
Oh.
She's angry because of the new girl.
"She was a temporary partner Adu! You know how hard it was to manage with her. I can't wait for you to get well and join back."
She shook her head, "Even if I join back, you should go to her. I can survive alone."
I heard a commotion behind and turned to see her mother trying to stifle her laugh.
"Aunty!", I whined, "...Adya is not listening to me.."
"Here!", She presented before me the keys to her room and well since then, the keys were always with me.
I opened the doors, got in, only to be attacked by pillows of all kinds.
"Go away Bihan! I hate you!"
-
I remember it took me a week to make her smile after that. She can be too stubborn. And the topic of girls always vexed her beyond everything.
Never in my school or college life did I dare to make friends with girls. Even when she was not with me. It just scared me instinctively. At that stage of life, I could tolerate everything but not Adya ignoring me.
I prepared myself for a good lashing like always. This was not about a simple project partner. This girl was the one who wanted to marry me, and god forbid, displayed her interest outrageously today.
Adya will kill me.
I heard her footsteps from the door to the dressing table, where she gently started removing her bangles.
I think it is the calm before the storm.
Soon after, she was changed into lighter clothes, and then picked up her book going to the balcony.
What the hell? Why is she not lashing at me?
Is she ignoring me?
Well, we'll have to check.
I went out in the balcony, "Adya?"
To my extreme surprise, she turned and acknowledged me, "Huh? What happened?"
She's talking?
I was perplexed at how she's acting so normal about it.
But I can't ask her that now.
"Uhm.. nothing.", And with that I came back inside.
The evening came with all the decorations lighting up our home. It was beautiful and my family was pretty glad. Last Diwali, Adya was not here. Not even in the city. I heard she was in Jaipur with her bedridden Nanasa. Even before that.
I was still worried about her lack of reaction about that Aruna thing. Normally, she would have had my head for even trying to talk to another girl.
I see her and Sanvi clicking selfies near the lights while my brother popped in between now and then.
I was sitting with my mother, who left just a minute ago. But my breath got stuck in my throat, when my father came to take a place where my mother was sitting previously.
He passed me a brief glance and then turned to look at Adya and my siblings.
We sat in silence for long before he interrupted the quiet, "Are you treating her right?", he asked catching me off guard.
Right? I am sure I am not treating her as right as a husband should.
I couldn't reply anything.
"I have promised Chauhan Sahab that his daughter will be alright here. I hope you have talked about whatever rift you both had for seven years."
I nodded meekly.
To be true, my father spoiled me bad initially. Because I was his eldest son, first child and also his successor. He had many expectations from me, something I did not live up to. But I don't regret choosing my own path.
The only regret it that while years ago, I was his best child, now, I don't think he even considers me as one. Marrying Adya has given me some credit in his books. But how much can I change? Especially when the change solely depends on the wife of mine, who I am hardly sharing a cordial relationship with.
After the laxmi poojan that was done by me and Adya, as we were newly married, I was forced to go to the terrace as the three 'kids' in my home were burning crackers.
I hated crackers, but I couldn't really avoid coming here.
"Sanvi be careful! If you catch a single scratch, I will kill you!", I bellowed as I saw her carelessly waving the sparkler stick not caring about her dress.
She rolled her eyes and threw it away. I swear they are so chaotic that it hurts to be their elder brother.
"Where's Adya??", I asked seeing her missing from the terrace.
"Bhai! Your 'Adu' is down to bring some refreshments."
I sighed and stood at the corner looking at the other side.
"Shanu! Have this..", I heard Adya moments later offering Shanu some sweets. I hope she comes to me too.
Soon enough, I smiled to myself when I heard her coming to me. With sweets ofcourse.
My plan was to maintain a stoic face and as grab as much as I can. But before I could do something, I heard Sanvi yelling, "Bhabhi!!! Fire!!"
I swiftly turned and my heart leaped out of my mouth when I saw her long dupatta catching fire.
"Fuck! Adya!!"
I ran towards her and I swear she definitely took time to realise what happened and panicked the moment she spotted fire.
The fire was swift as it caught almost half of the dupatta even before I reached her.
"Remove it! Remove it!", I instructed her trying to prevent myself from panicking.
To my extreme displeasure, the dupatta was pinned to her blouse which she frantically tried to unpin but failed.
It would take no time for the fire to catch hold of her lehanga and the thought alone made me panic so bad, that I held her tight to me, and then took her burning dupatta in my hand tearing it apart with all the power I could muster.
The fire was separated from her body and soon enough, Shanu brought a bucket of water pouring it all over us. As silly as it sounds, I was glad for that because it actually ended all traces of fire from her dress.
The suddenness completely unnerved me, but the one in my arms right now was shivering.
I did tear her blouse a little. And Sanvi noticed it so she handed me her dupatta almost in tears.
Probably the sudden commotion was louder than the crackers so both my parents came up as I covered Adya who refused to let me go.
"Oh my god! Is she alright??", Mom asked me.
I nodded at them and gently tried to rub her head.
Few seconds later, the anxiousness probably reduced her blood pressure and I felt her going limp in my arms.
"I..I think she's losing consciousness."
"Bhai...come let's take her to the room."
*
I was a doctor for god sake but my own hands were shivering while I kept the stethoscope on her chest.
"Calm down Bihan! Or call another doctor.", I heard my father say and I took deep breaths to calm myself.
I was myself half drenched.
Thankfully I had enough equipments to check her myself.
"Her blood pressure is low. She got anxious. Nothing much. Let her rest for a while."
It relieved everyone including me.
"You sure Bihan?", I heard my father's voice and turned to face him.
"She's alright Papa."
My 'Papa' definitely had us both and others awestruck. But that was not the matter of concern right now. My wife was lying unconscious and I don't want to even think of the tragic incident that would have taken place. It scares me from within.
"Stay here with her Bihan. Let her rest. Tomorrow Chauhan Sahab will be coming home, and I don't want them to get too worried about their daughter. It was just an accident."
I nodded and stayed rooted to my place as I heard everyone leave and then the door knob click.
Instinctively, I took hold of her hand in between mine and brought it towards my lips to place a kiss. I can't imagine loosing her.
As my own anxiousness subsided, I saw her wet clothes and mine too. She needs to wake up soon to change or she will catch cold. And cold and Adya are worst enemies.
When I was changed I saw her stirring a bit and then slowly opening her eyes, "Ughhh.."
"Adya..", I said gently settling beside her and she turned her head to look at me.
"What happened?"
I checked her forehead for a probable temperature but found none, "You fainted. Nothing much."
She nodded slowly and sat up, a little irritated with her wet clothes.
"If you feel better, try getting up and change. I'll bring your clothes."
With that said, I went inside and opened her side of cupboard to see her pajamas and tank top. The more she gets the air, the more she'll be comfortable.
I came out of the closet and kept the clothes beside her, "You change here only. I'd be back with your food."
By the time I came back which was a proper fifteen minutes, I unbolted the door a little loudly, so she hears me.
"Are you decent Adya?"
She hummed in reply, and I went in only to see her in the same old clothes.
"What happened? Why didn't you change?", I ask, keeping the food on the table.
"I_ I can't...I feel anxious when I move around.", And she held her head in her hands, her voice turning feeble at the end.
"Wait! Let me check again..", I fetch my stethoscope, and take a place beside her. I slowly remove her hands from my way, and keep the stethoscope just above her heart.
I hear her gasp a little which only amuses me, "Relax! I am a doctor. Take deep breaths."
She looked at me briefly and only then I became aware of our proximity. After so many years, her eyes were up close mine, and I could read so much within. She changed so much. Her hair longer, her spectacles gone, her personality mature, but those black angel orbs were still the deep black, forcing me to slip into a cliff of nostalgia.
"You look worried.", She whispered in a weak voice, grabbing my attention and I look away to focus on the work at hand.
"Ofcourse I'd be worried. I am a doctor. Sick people worry me."
"Your heartbeat is normal. I feel you must eat so your body gets a good amount of salt. That'd regulate your blood pressure."
She only hummed and I stood up, "Remove your clothes. I'll help you get changed."
She looked at me, a baffled expression on her face, "I can change."
"Yeah...I can see. I'd call anybody but when I went downstairs both Mom and Sanvi went to your house to exchange sweets. I am your resort, unless you want me to call some servant."
*
She looked at me suspiciously as if I'd eat her. Not that I'd mind. But I know when to not look at anybody with those abnormal eyes. I have a stethoscope around my neck, that also comes with ethics.
"Relax!", I lifted her hair to find the string of her blouse, "I see this all everyday. It won't be awkward." I don't see this. I am a physician not a gynecologist.
I slowly remove her blouse. Reminding myself, at the same time, that she is just another human. A simple human. With a normal body. A body of a female. And I don't have to stare at all. Yeah. That is it.
"Your hands are stiff. Turn around Bihan. I can manage. I'd hold you for support.", She said, taking the charge of her clothes.
I shrugged, allowing her not to do so, "I don't think you can manage. Plus, I see this ev..."
"Shut up! You don't undress women everyday. I know what doctors do. Doctor. Doctor. Doctor. Idiot."
When I didn't turn, she hit my shoulder with her hand, shoving me a little, which caused me to turn with a sigh.
"I have studied female anatomy and I know..."
"Yeah! Like I didn't study male anatomy. Am I asking you to undress before me?? I am your wife for god sake, not the specimen for your practicals."
That made me chuckle. Well, I was only trying to be decent about it by treating her like a practical specimen. But this girl is smart.
I feel her hold my upper arm for support while probably getting into her pajamas.
Moments later, I heard, "I am done."
*
I noticed her sitting on her side of the bed and playing with her fingers. Her habit while thinking hard.
"What's wrong? What are you thinking about?"
She looked at me, a little startled, but looking at her I realised she wants to say something or ask maybe.
"Uhm...Bihan..??"
"Hmm..", I hummed locking my phone to give her my full focus.
"What about Aruna? You never mentioned her before?", Her voice was polite and full of honey.
In normal circumstances, I would have been tackled down on the bed, with her hands fisting my hair threatening to make me bald if I don't tell about this new girl.
I rolled my eyes to myself, "No one important."
"But she said you were proposed to marry her!", Her voice became clipped like she was trying hard to control her outburst.
"Many women proposed me to marry. She is one of them."
She huffed, and looked away, "How many??"
"Uhm...like 11-12.", None. Because my father was pretty clear about who I'd marry. Aruna's family only proposed for it to get rejected only for my father to say, "We have a girl in our minds, who is currently studying. Her family and mine have had this alliance in our minds from years ago. As soon as she's back, Bihan will be married to her."
I was shocked and baffled then. My father's stern decision that was being imposed on me. This meant another rebellion against him.
But I didn't rebel when I saw who it was that they wanted me to marry..
"So all these 11-12 will come back and claim they liked you?"
I was laughing inside. Because her resolve to contain her anger was breaking. But I maintained a stoic non chalant face like we are talking about the weather.
"I can't help their liking towards me."
I see smoke coming out of her ears as she turned to glare at me.
"Can't you tell them to shut up?? Or even before our marriage, you should have told them that they are ugly, fat, short or dumb! There were hundred things to tell them."
I looked at her narrowing my eyes, though inside I was already grinning wide at the display of the girl who was my best friend.
"You know I don't consider physical traits. They are unimportant."
"So what!!", She snapped at me, "If you were to marry me, you should have told them to back off!"
"How'd I know it was eventually you that I'd marry? What if I misbehaved with them, and someone among them became my wife later on..."
If only looks could kill..
"Who'd be your wife? Repeat once again.."
I slid on the bed to a lying position, "Good night. You should rest. It would only heighten your anxiety."
"Oh I'd make your night good Mr.Rathore.", she scooted closer and came forward to pinch my cheek, real hard.
"If! If any of your marriage proposal girls and their families even roam around you, I promise you will see hell even before you breath the same air as them. And I am serious."
I was actually scared at her threat. Because I knew what she was capable of. And her ways were extremely innovative. At the end, I'd be the one begging for mercy.
"Leave my cheek Adya.."
She shook her head, "Make a request.."
"Ad.."
"A request starts with a plead!"
I rolled my eyes, "Please Madam! Stop showering your love on my cheek. It'd be red in the morning and I don't want you to be accused of domestic violence."
She looked away, leaving me cheek making sure she painfully squishes them, "Yeah! Whatever.."
After the storm my wife summoned, we settled peacefully.
Minutes later, when I realised she was still awake, I asked her, "Were you jealous Adya?"
Something I have asked a million times before.
I grinned to myself knowing the answer already. My question was same and so would be her answer.
"Who? Me? Jealous? For you? I think you hit your head somewhere."
"Yeah ofcourse."
*