"You wanna know what scares people? Success. When you don't make moves and when you don't climb up the ladder, everybody loves you because you're not a competition."
- Nicki Minaj.
I was currently sitting in front of my therapist for our third session this week—it was actually supposed to be four, but I skipped a day. I was looking down at the floor where I laid for months expressing my doubts and fears, now all of a sudden, the floor was not my favorite spot anymore.
"Earth to Onika..." Taraji's pen waved in front of me.
"Ohhh...I'm sorry my mind drifted for a bit. What were you saying?" I turned giving her my full attention.
She paused and smiled. "I was asking you about the Harper Avery awards, it's quickly coming up. And I just think you haven't put much thought into it."
I folded my arms feeling a tad bit offended. "Thought into it like how Taraji?"
"Onika somethings different about you and I don't know if it's good or bad. Since the first time in two years you've never missed a session—not even when covoid was at its peak. Now you've missed a session, you're sitting up in the chair, you're very nonchalant all of a sudden. And for Christ's sake you didn't beat Lauren's ass for finding out she knew Beyonce was married."
I shook my head immediately, disgusted by even hearing that name. "Taraji you know we do not call her name! Not under any circumstance."
"Well, I find it ironic that you'll be attending an award show in less than two weeks that's headlining her name as surgeon of the year. So, news flash honeybun, if you can't bear to hear her name here, how the hell are you going to sit through a two-hour award ceremony in the same room as her. So, ask yourself, are you really ready Onika?"
I sighed pinching my eyes tightly together, in hopes that it would yield the emotions running wild inside of me. When I re-opened my eyes Taraji's face was blurred, followed by the warm salty tears cascading down my face.
"Taraji I'm just tired of all of this--- I'm tired of nightmares, I'm tired of looking over my shoulder in public, I'm tired of her being in my head! I see this bitch every day! When I'm asleep, when I'm driving, when I'm in the shower. She's like a parasite that won't get out of my body! So, I think being in the same room as her to be awarded for my hard work as black surgeon isn't going to affect my already fucked up mental health!"
"And that's exactly why I'm telling you that you're not ready Onika!"
I kissed my teeth, shifting my body around in the chair. "Why does everyone keep saying that?" I frustratingly screamed.
"Say her name!" Taraji clapped back. "C'mon say it! Say her name Onika."
I shook my head from side to side. "No."
"C'mon say it- or do you want me to help you?"
"Taraji don't you fucking dare!"
"You're not ready Onika!"
"You know what, fuck you too Taraji!" I grabbed up my purse and phone and beelined out of her office. As soon as I made it out the office building tears began to cloud my vision again. When I got in my car, I let out a gut-wrenching scream. My hands were shaking, and my breathing picked back up. Erratically, I reached for my bottle of Alprazolam popping two pills quickly in my mouth. I laid with my head against the wheel waiting for it to affect.
Once I was calm, I drove a few blocks to my favorite coffee shop to get a bite before heading back to work. When I stepped in the shop it was slightly packed with a few familiar faces from work. I calmy hopped in the line with my head down, not really in the mood for conversations. I was scrolling through my phone when a text message from Sheree came through. It was a birthday invitation along with a gift registry for my niece Sarai. I quickly scrolled the registry when my eyes landed on a pink barbie bike, my eyes skipped the priced and swiped left to order instead. By the time I checked off getting her birthday gift off the list it was time for me to place my order, before I could speak someone came behind me.
"Whatever Dr. Maraj is getting and my regular Sam." A charming deep voice said.
I turned around to see Nasir handsomely rocking a custom Brioni Vanquish suit. I almost caught myself biting my lip before the cashier grabbed my attention.
"Dr. Maraj what would you like today?"
'Nasir...' I thought.
"Ohh ummm, can I get a regular hot coffee, with almond milk. And a everything bagel."
"Coming right up."
"So, I'm assuming this is our coffee date. Since somebody hasn't answered me yet." Nasir said leading us over to two empty seats nearby.
I smiled underneath my mask and put my head down. It was something about Nasir that made me feel like a little schoolgirl again.
"I'm sorry I got caught up planning for the award show."
"Oh, that's right, you're being nominated for a Harper Avery."
I nodded with a quick smile.
"That's dope, congratulations again."
"Thanks Nasir."
He smiled crossing his hands over his chest. "So, what suit am I wearing to take you to this event?"
I almost choked on my coffee. "Well ummm...I'm wearing blue."
Nasir licked his lips quickly. "Blue is my favorite color."
"That's cool." I said quickly looking down at my coffee.
"So that's a no I'm guessing?"
"Nasir I-."
"It's okay Onika, you can't rush perfection, right? Are you free this Saturday? We can meet here at 3pm before my meeting."
"Ummm I'm free after 2pm, so that should be fine."
He flashed me a smile, and quickly peeped at his watch. "Alright Dr. Maraj, I will see you around. Have a nice day." Nasir said getting up from the table and disappearing through the thick crowd of customers.
I released a breath I did not even know I was holding—damn Nasir was so handsome. I was in lalala land when my phone started ringing. I was confused as to why Dr. Jenkins was calling me, he knew I was still in therapy around this time—he made my schedule whereby I would have time within my shift to attend sessions.
"Hello?"
"Dr. Maraj I'm sorry to interrupt, but as soon as you get back to the hospital. I need you to step into my office." His toned sounded rushed and unsteady.
My heart rhythm picked up. "Dr. Jenkins is everything okay? Did something happen?"
He paused for a moment before he spoke again. "Maraj, I can assure you everything is fine. I just have to talk to you about something."
"Okay...I'm on my way." I quickly discarded the garbage in front of me and made my way to my car.
As I drove took the ten-minute commute to hospital, my mind was going million miles per second. I drove back to the hospital in full panic mode. Despite Dr. Jenkins saying nothing was wrong, I could tell by the sound in his voice that he was lying.
Before I hopped out of my car, I made sure my gun was tucked safely in my purse. By the time I made it in front of his door, my apple watch was praising me for the amount of steps I took in such a short time span. My nerves were so on edge, I felt embarrassed after I realized I opened the door without knocking.
Dr. Jenkins looked up from behind his desk with a quick smile, and so did a white man who sat in front of him.
"Wow that's a record Dr. Maraj less than two minutes?"
I kissed my teeth unintentionally placing one hand on my hip. "What's the problem?"
"She is stealing my heart already Jenkins. He's going to need a cutthroat doctor like her." The white man smiled deviously.
I turned to Dr. Jenkins; my ears were fire. "NIGGA YOU TRYING TO SEX TRAFFIC ME?!"
Dr. Jenkins smile faded fast. "Noooo Dr. Maraj this is not what this is about. This is the vice president's senior staff. He's here on behalf of the vice president who cannot be here at this time."
"Okay...." I said rushing him to get to the point.
"Maraj..." Dr Jenkins dragged looking at me with pleading eyes. "The vice president is in need of a quintuple bypass which we now call the 'Maraj Method', and you are the perfect candidate to do it."
"Dr. Jenkins I canno-." I paused and quickly smiled at the guy whilst pulling Dr. Jenkins to the side. We moved to a secluded area inside in large office, where the guy wouldn't be able to eavesdrop.
"Dr. Jenkins I have so much respect for you and this opportunity. But I cannot take on a complicated operation like this. I've just started getting back in the O.R and for your information I haven't held a heart in my hands for almost two years. This is too much too soon, and besides if it's the vice president of the United States why isn't she doing it."
Dr. Jenkins seamlessly rolled his eyes. "Because the vice president wants you to do it. And I would not have invited his chief of staff here if I knew you were not capable of doing it. Onika I flew across the country and watched you perform this procedure."
"But she was with me- she helped me! I can't do this by myself."
"Because you've always allowed her to make you think that your incapable of standing alone. She's a narcist that's what they do. Don't allow this opportunity to fall into her lap because of your fears. When I first met you that day after the procedure what did I tell you? 'To let this be the foundation of your cardiothoracic journey'. Stop allowing her to dim your light-."
"I'm sorry to interrupt the you guys' therapy session. But the vice president needs an answer as of now—His heart does not have much time."
Dr. Jenkins and I both turned, I quickly wiped away the tears that had reached my chin.
"I will do it."
"Fantastic, we will fly you out first thing tomorrow morning. My assistant will be reaching out with the details. But before I go, I will need you sign these NDA papers. The vice president will be running for office next year, and we can't let a little heart failure scare the young generation." He joked.
"Ummm, I need time to arrange childcare-."
"It will be taking care of."
"No, you don't understand I'm very specific with my son. If I'm going out of town, I need my mom here to watch him."
"As stated, before Dr. Maraj that's not a problem. Just let me know the city, I'll have a private jet bringing her to you in less than an hour." He smiled.
"Oh—ok then." I picked up the pen quickly looking over the NDA and begin signing.
By the time we were done discussing the procedure, the risks and benefits my mom had already landed in Atlanta and was comfortably waiting at my house. Dr. Jenkins and I both thanked Mr. Mr. Windsor and before he left he assured me that someone would be in contact with me soon.
Once he left Dr. Jenkins and I was left alone, he suddenly burst into a fit of laughter. He was laughing so hard, I started to become annoyed all over again.
"What's so funny?"
"You thought I was going to sex traffic you? Seriously Maraj."
I kissed my teeth, picking up my purse. "I been through a lot a'ight. Anyways can I have the rest of the day off since were heading to Washington in the morning?"
"That all depends, did you finish your rounds?"
"No but I-."
"Nope, if I have to be here for 12 hours, so do you Maraj. Close my door on your way out. I will see you in the morning." Dr. Jenkins quickly smiled before bringing his glasses to the bridge of his nose.
I huffed under my breath. "I hate it here."
"HUH? What was that?" Dr. Jenkins asked.
"Nothing...See you tomorrow sir." I said practically running out of his office.
I made my way down the cardiac stepdown floor which I so happened to be covering with Megan's ass. I know she was about to bitch because my two hours break almost turned into four. When I stepped off the elevator, she was sitting behind the nurse's station grilling the fuck out of me.
She turned around to this nurse named Kimberly and said something out the side of her neck. I could only hear the words 'bitches' and 'job description'. I could feel my anger beginning to boil, but I had to stay in check. I did not need my mom nor Lauren bailing me out of jail tonight.
I picked up the hospitals iPad and began making my rounds on the floor. About 5 hours later I was basically done rounding. I was sitting at the nurse's station entering some orders and documenting my patient's assessment when big foot decided to make her presence known.
"I'm wearing orange to the Harper Avery's what about you Maraj?"
"Black." I said dryly.
"Hmmm it fits your personality...So you got a date?"
"No."
"Hmmm, interesting. You can't go to the Harper Avery without a date."
I rolled my eyes closing the laptop in front of me. "Is there something I can help you with Dr. Pete ?"
"Oh nothing... I just can't wait to see you at award show in two weeks. Your face is going to light up when you see me." She glimmered.
I picked up my paperwork and started making my way toward the elevator, of course this aggravating ass bitch was hot on my tail. When the elevator door opened, I felt her so close behind me, she misewell had felt my ass. I made distance between us impatiently hitting the button to take me to the pit. Surprisingly she stayed silent, snickering away on her phone. When the elevator doors opened, I began to walk out but she put her arm up and almost clothelined' my ass.
"What the fuck is your problem!"
"Oooooo I finally got the princess mad; well would you look at that."
I had to bawl my fist up against my side before I lost total control and finished this chick. At this point she was getting out of line.
"Bitch if you don't get your lanky ugly ass out my fucking way!"
"Hey, hey hey what's going on here?" Dr. Jenkins said peeping in the elevator.
"Maraj? Pete?" Dr. Jenkins said looking between the both of us.
Megan dropped her arm with a smirk and turned to Dr. Jenkins. "Everything is okay sir; I was just having a talk with my friend is all."
He raised his eyebrow and looked to me. "Maraj..." He contemplated saying something and then shook it off. "Maraj Get home, get some rest, we have a long day tomorrow."
"A long day of what?"
"Business—." I said walking around her to toward the locker rooms.
I could feel her on my ass yet again as I entered the locker room.
"You got another surgery again, didn't you? That's so unfair, you've been getting all the surgeries since this fellowship has started! If you ask me, I think you're fucking Dr. Jenkins!"
My head whipped around with the quickness. "Now you've gone too far!" The amount of respect I had for Dr. Jenkins wouldn't even allow me to ever look at him in that light.
She straightened up folding her arms. "Well, it wouldn't be the first time you fucked your way up to the top right? You fucked your way straight to the Harper Avery!"
My entire body felt numb. "You don't know what you're talking about!"
Megan stepped closer to me, basically cornering me into the lockers. "Bitch please, everyone knows you were Dr. Knowles' side bitch, that ain't no secret! You were the side chick that lost! Her wife beat your ass that day in the hospital lobby, and you disappeared for two years! The only reason you're here is because Dr. Jenkins felt sorry for you, or maybe because he's been sampling that 'good' pussy you had Dr. Knowles so hooked on!"
"THAT'S NOT TRUE!"
"Girl fuck you and those crocodile tears! Just know I'm the hbic now! See you at the Harper Avery's bitch!" And with that Megan stormed out of the locker room.
I leaned up against the locker trying to regulate my heart and breathing. If I did not calm myself down soon—I was about to have a panic attack. My mouth became increasingly dry and within seconds I was dry heaving. I ran over to the nearest garbage and started expelling whatever my stomach had to offer. I wiped the side of my mouth and leaned over the water fountain to rinse the remnants of vomit away. Once I somewhat got myself together, I got my things and made my way to my car. I was about to call Lauren and asked her if she knew anything about that rumor, but I decided against it. If people were talking shit about me, they definelty would not say nothing in front of her crazy ass. So, I decided to dial my colleague Lala instead, to my surprise she answered on the first ring.
"Hey Onika, is everything okay?"
"Hey Lala, yea everything is fine. I wanted to ask you something and please be honest with me."
"Umm yea sure, go for it mama."
I sighed. "Is there a rumor going around about me that you know of?"
"Now Onika you know I am not the one for the drama."
"I know Lala, but if anyone's going to be straight to the point it's you."
It was now her turn to sigh. "Well yea, somethings were being said by Pete."
"Like what?" I pressed.
Lala sighed again, but this one was a long sigh. "She been talking about how you use to fuck with Dr. Knowles and that you were the side chick. And that one-day Dr. Knowles wife ran up on you at work and beat your ass to the point you got admitted to the hospital and disappeared without a trace."
"Oh wow." Was all I could have managed to get out.
"WAIT SO IT'S TRUE?!?!" Lala practically begged in excitement.
"Uhm—no. Wait a minute I thought you don't entertain drama?"
"I don't but damn, Dr. Knowles is beautiful as fuck—I would risk getting my ass beat for her."
I ignored her statement hopping to my next question. "Who started this rumor?"
"Girl who else you think? The one that hates you the most—she is obsessed with you Onika. You better watch your back with that one."
"Oh God." I sighed. Megan was starting to sound like another crazy bitch that I was about to encounter in my lifetime.
"Thanks for the insight, Lala, sorry to call you so late."
"No problem girl, just keep doing what you're doing. You have haters everywhere you go."
"I know that's right."
Lala and I talked about work for bit and before I knew it, I was pulling up in my driveway. I rolled my eyes at the sight of Lauren's car sitting up in my garage. She knew that shit pisses me off. Lala and I said our goodbyes as I walked up the steps to my house.
"I TOLD THAT HEIFER DON'T PARK IN THAT GARAGE! I GOT YO' BACK!" Mrs. Wise screamed from across the street.
I laughed walking into the house as soon as I got inside Lauren was in my face.
"What did that old hag say about me???"
"The same thing I was thinking!" I said moving her out my way.
I could hear my mom and papa bear laughing upstairs, but I made quick stop to the laundry room to strip out of my scrubs. My biggest rule was taking a shower after I came from work, because ain't no telling what type of diseases I could be bringing home to my baby. I took a long well-deserved shower and so happened to take the time to reflect back on the day's events. The conversation with Megan still bothered me. It was the fact that she knew I was attached to her did not sit right with me. For some reason I felt like papa and I safety were at risk.
What if she found me? What if she knew where I was all this time? What if Dr. Jenkins have been giving her updates on my life? What if she's watching me?
Several loud knocks at the door caused me to almost jump out my skin. I quickly turned the shower off wrapping the towel around me. When I opened the door I didn't see anybody but then a tiny body wrapped around my legs.
"Maaa-gusss-carrrr mommy." Papa bear beamed looking up at me with those eyes...her eyes.
"I tried to tell him mommy's taking shower but he insited on you joining us." My mom said rounding the corner.
My heart felt so warm, I don't care how old I am seeing my mom always excited me.
"Mommy." I smiled wrapping my arms around her.
"Hi baby, I made you some dinner—or whats left it if Lauren hasn't done away with the rest."
I rolled my eyes—first she parked in the garage and now she's eating my momma's food.
"Mommyyy Magasssscarrrrr." Papa whined.
"Mommy's coming papa let me put on some clothes and grab something to eat." I handed papa back to my mom and headed to my closet.
Once I was comfortable in some pj's I rejoined my mom, papa, Kross and Lo in the living room. They were already each comfortably swaddled in their own blankets waiting to start the movie.
As soon as papa spotted me, he climbed over Lauren's head to cuddle with me. As the movie started, I couldn't happen to reflect on how grateful I was to be surrounded with so much love.
If this is peace, I wanted to welcome this era with open arms. But for some reason... I could not shake the feeling that this peace would not be long-lasting....
I HEARD A RUMOR II
"His recovery time will be at least 3-4 weeks, the vice president did outstanding during the procedure. He will be monitored for post-op complications—but so far, he's in the clear sir."
The president shook my hand with a wide smile. "Outstanding...Dr. Maraj is that correct?"
"Yes, sir that's correct."
"Your diligence and courage to perform this procedure is nothing but amazing Dr. Maraj. Our paths shall cross again." He smiled at the last part turning to Dr. Jenkins who had accompanied me to D.C. "Dr. Jenkins, it has been a pleasure sir."
Dr. Jenkins shooked the president hand with a smile wider than SpongeBob's. After the president and his team left, it was time for Dr. Jenkins and I to do the same. We had been in Atlanta for four days too long and I was ready to go. The vice president was awake and progressing quite fine, and besides he had his own medical team that would be with him around the clock. I was ready to get back home to my baby, separation anxiety was kicking my ass right now.
Today was going to be a long day for me. After this two-hour plane ride back to Atlanta Lo and I have to get the boy's ready for Sarai's birthday party. I knew I was going to jet lagged as hell. For the past three days sleep has been hard to come by, but I made a promise already.
Dr. Jenkins and I made our way back to our hotel rooms. Once I was packed and ready, we met in the hotel lobby where we were escorted to an awaiting SUV. Dr. Jenkins and I made small talk on our way to the private plane. The last thing I remembered was watching the runway before we took off into the sky. I woke up two hours later by Dr. Jenkins tapping my shoulder to let us know that we arrived.
When we got off the plane two separate black escalades waited for us. Dr. Jenkins and I said our goodbye's and went our separate ways. I sent Lauren a text letting her know I was on my way home. My mom had left to head back to New York this morning, so Lauren was babysitting. I could only imagine the number of pancakes she allowed Papa and Kross to eat this morning.
When I arrived home, I was surprised my house was in once peace. I could tell my mom was keeping the boys in check up until she left, because not one single action figure was on the floor.
"I'm homeeeeee!" I sang running up the stairs.
"I'm getting the boys ready, hurry up were about to be late." Lauren screamed from Papa's room.
I headed straight into the shower, as soon as I was done, I quickly ran the blow dryer through my hair. I had to pull my hair back into a slick ponytail since time was catching up with me. I decided on wearing a simple light blue denim jean, white Chanel t-shirt along with my Chanel sneakers. Once I was satisfied with the look, I headed downstairs where I was greeted by papa and kross. I was so busy kissing them I hadn't even recognized Lauren standing there with an attitude.
"Nika let's go—you know I already don't want to go to this shit anyway." She whined.
I kissed my teeth taking the boys to my car. I'm lowkey glad she wasn't in the mood because I did not feel like staying for the entire time myself. Once we got the boys strapped in, we headed toward Sheree's house. What was supposed to be a 15-minute drive turned into 45 minutes due to Atlanta's traffic. We were so late I had to send Sheeree a text, she assured me that her family had just arrived not too long ago so there was no rush. I was hoping she said the party was already finished.
We finally pulled up to a nice brickhouse that was decorated with pink balloons on the outside. Lauren and I got the boys out made our way to the front door, before we could even ring the doorbell. Sheree excitedly pulled the door open.
"I'm so happy you guys made it, come inside the party is out back. And look at you handsome little fellas. Oh, my goodness they are so adorable, they're going to have a fantastic time in the bounce house." Sheree said leading us to her backyard.
When we stepped outside it was a few people with their kids hanging around observing the festivities. Papa and Kross went running over to the bounce house as expected. I looked around observing the cute Coco melon theme that was going on. Sheree had made her way back over to us showing us where the food and drinks were. Lauren and I went to help ourselves then we found a table nearby.
We were eating watching the boys and the birthday girl run around the yard. Sheree was ensuring the party was going by smoothly and even had the kids playing some games she came up with. Lauren and I had joined in too showing them how to play games we grew up with like red light, green light. We even began painting their faces and before we knew it the sun was about to set. We were having so much fun we hadn't realized that the majority of people left, and we hadn't even sung Sarai happy birthday yet. Lauren and I decided to stay back to help Sheree clean up the yard. The boys were in the living room playing with Sarai while we were out pack breaking some old boxes down.
I was tying up a trash bag when papa came behind me, he was rubbing is eyes and tucking his head into the side of thigh indicating that he was ready for bed.
"Mommy's coming right now papa. Go play with Sarai and Kross mommy's almost done."
"She's gone." Papa said.
I was confused for a second, then thought maybe she went to sleep. I picked up papa heading inside of the house to check on Sarai and Kross. When I stepped inside Kross was sleeping across the couch but there was no sign of Sarai.
I stepped back outside with papa on hip to look for Sheree. I noticed her coming from the side of the house with a big garbage bin next to her.
"Hey Sheree, did you put Sarai to bed already? She's not in the living room."
Sheree looked confused. "No, she was in the living room with the boys."
"Oh, maybe she's in her room, I didn't see her with Kross."
"Uhhh let me check her room. She usually camps out in the living room until I put her to bed because she's scared of the dark."
Sheree followed me inside; she looked around the living room and walked down the hallway to Sarai's room. She came back immediately looking petrified, Lauren had walked out behind me trying to figure out what was going on.
"She's not there." Sheree said in a panic.
"What do you mean she's not there? Did you check the bathroom? Your room?" I started rattling off questions, a feeling of uneasiness crept up in spine.
Then papa spoke up. "Sarai gone with momma." Papa said.
I put him down getting to his eye level. "Papa where did Sairai go baby?"
"With momma." Papa said pointing to the front door, that we neglected to see was wide open.
"OH MY GOD!" Sheree cried she tried to run to the door but Lauren and I stopped her.
"Stay here with the boys and lock the door!" I said pulling my gun out purse.
Lauren and I cautiously stepped outside looking for anything out of the ordinary. Soon enough a black SUV sitting on the opposite side of the street was attempting to start its engine to no avail . Lauren and I ran down the steps toward the car. The closer we got we could hear Sarai's cries.
"SARAI!" I shouted.
"NIGGA HURRY THE FUCK UP! AND GO!" A female screamed.
The engine ignited again but failed, Lauren and I ran up to the car trying to pull the doors open but they were locked.
"SARAI!" I screamed again, hearing the toddlers' loud screams behind the car door. At that point Lauren and I were banging on the car windows, I even started breaking the window with my gun. During all of this whoever was behind the wheel was trying their best to start the car. I was breaking the glass down with so much force, I could feel the bits of glass slicing through my hand. When the glass became broken, I could see Sarai being cradled in some woman's hand wearing a hoodie.
"BITCH LET HER GO!" Lauren scream popping the lock opening the door. The lady cradled Sarai harder into her neck avoiding looking in our direction. Lauren and I climbed in the backseat basically tag teaming this bitch. She had a strong hold on Sarai, Lauren was raining blows on the ladies' head while I pulled Sarai out her grasp. Once I grabbed, I told Lauren let's go but she stopped moving in general. I had to grab her, but she wasn't looking at something she was looking at someone.
When I looked up every bone in body went numb, it can't be-she couldn't be- she's supposed to be dead. But she sat their looking defeated in the flesh the one and only- Cardi.
The car engine finally roared up, if Lauren and I didn't jump out the way we were going to be dead for sure. I clutched on to Sarai, she was shaking so hard with fear. I could feel her tiny heart beating as fast as mine. Sheree came running up to us snatching the toddler out of my hand crying all over here.
Sirens sounded and police lights lit up the streets within seconds. Lauren and I both went to collect our kids. An officer approached Lauren and I looking very much confused as to what the hell was going on. Little did he we were just as confused as he was about to be...