Tw: Past panic attack, past suicide attempt, past self harm, mentioned past hallucinations
Liam went up the driveway and glanced back at Puffy's car. He didn't say anything as Sam put a bookmark in his book and closed it.
"Hey Liam." Sam smiled as Liam sat down in the chair across from the porch swing.
"Hi Sam." Liam replied, not looking up at him. Sam put the book down and glanced over at Puffy's car pulling away.
"You wanna talk about what happened tonight? Where you went?" Sam asked but Liam knew he already knew the answer. He knew Puffy already called Sam.
"Don't you already know?" Liam asked in response and he saw Sam's smile waiver slightly. "Why do I have to talk about it if you already know?"
"Because Puffy said she wanted you to talk about it, and I think it could be helpful if you did." Sam said as he used his legs to kick a little bit, moving the swing slowly.
"I went to the Watson's." Liam said shortly.
"And?" Sam asked, to which Liam huffed.
"I saw them and talked with them." Liam continued. He knew Sam didn't know about exactly what was said and what happened, that was for certain. That was until Sam pulled out his phone and looked at it.
"Puffy just messaged me with what happened." Sam informed him. Liam crossed his arms.
"Then you already know what happened, why do I have to talk about it more if you already know what happened?" Liam snapped and Sam put his phone back down. He looked at the boy before him and took a moment before he spoke.
"I'm not going to lecture you about what happened, I'm sure Puffy already did. I just want to say that it's okay that you're hurting, but you have to remember they're also hurting." Sam spoke softly and for a moment Liam was unmoving and silent, until he began to cry.
For the time that Sam had known Liam, only two short weeks, he hadn't seen Liam cry. He had seen Liam angry, he had seen Liam try to rebel and he had seen Liam shut down completely, but he had never seen him cry.
Now Liam was sobbing into his hands, bent over in his chair so Sam didn't see his face. The sound of his sobs still gave away what was happening. It didn't take much thought to know what was going on with the boy.
"Liam, do you want a hug?" Sam asked, but Liam quickly shook his head. "Okay, that's okay. Is there anything I can do for you?" Sam asked, again Liam shook his head. "Alright. I'll be right here." Sam said and he stuck to his word. The entire time Liam cried Sam just sat there, giving him space.
"I just wanted them to be happy to see me. I wanted to see them all again. I didn't even fucking know Tommy was going to be there." Liam said eventually, still through tears. Sam frowned softly.
"I thought you knew he was there?" Sam said slightly confused, but Liam shook his head.
"No, I knew that Techno was there, and Wilbur too. I had asked Puffy about Tommy but she didn't tell me anything about him. She said she couldn't, so I didn't know he was even there." Liam admitted and Sam nodded slowly. "And Tubbo and Ranboo being there was a surprise too."
"Oh." Sam said, knowing who Tubbo and Ranboo were. While Sam hadn't directly met those two he had read Liam's file and knew what happened with when Liam 'died'. "They were all there together?"
"Yeah. Techno had answered the door and yelled for Wilbur, Wilbur saw me then went back inside. I thought he was going for Phil, but Tommy came out. Tubbo and Ranboo followed out and then Phil came out a bit after them." Liam explained. He took a deep breath and tried to control his crying.
"How was it, seeing all of them? I know what Puffy told me but I want to hear what happened. I want to fully know what happened from your perspective." Sam said and Liam began to fidget with his hands.
"After I saw them all again we went inside, and we sat in the dining room. I talked with them about how I had died and came back, and Techno already knew I was his brother. But Tubbo and Ranboo reacted to me coming back, not in a good way. They kinda got mad at me, and then so did Wilbur and Techno. Tommy was happy but then he got upset so we were all upset and Puffy came over to the house." Liam continued to explain as he stared down at his hands.
The memory of Tommy yelling at Puffy, struggling in her arms as he screamed at her, was burned into Liam's brain. He didn't know what to feel about it. It was something he didn't think he would ever get to see.
In all honesty he thought he would never see Tommy again. Their last conversation before this evening was short and Liam thought Tommy hated him for what happened when they were kids. But according to Puffy, Tommy never forgot about Liam. Apparently Tommy had a tattoo of Liam's initials.
It now hurt to think that Tommy had done everything out of spite, that Tommy chose to be adopted by that family just so Liam couldn't.
"And Tommy yelled at her, screamed at her for not telling him about me. He was angry but eventually Phil managed to calm him down. But that's when I got angry about how Phil chose him instead of me. Puffy then made us leave, and she drove me back here." Liam finished. Sam nodded and tried meeting Liam's eyes, but Liam wouldn't meet his.
"Do you think that's what really happened? That Phil chose Tommy over you?" Sam questioned. Liam shrugged and Sam made a face. "Honestly Liam, do you think that Phil looked at Tommy and went 'oh yeah, you're the perfect replacement for a kid that chose to leave my house over a year ago'? Does that sound like Phil?" Sam asked, to which Liam shook his head. "Exactly, it's not fair to him to believe that. It's not fair to anyone to believe that."
"But he did choose Tommy. I deserve a good life and Tommy got that good life but I haven't. I almost fucking died, I did die technically speaking. Doesn't that mean that maybe I should get something good? Don't I get something nice after suffering for so long?" Liam asked, tears welling up in his eyes again.
"Liam I am not saying that you don't deserve something good. I am trying to give you something good while you live here. But that doesn't mean Tommy doesn't get something good either. I don't know if you know all of what has happened to him, and it's not my thing to share. But I know what that boy has been through, I had to read his file before the adoption. I know he has had so many bad things happen to him. He deserves the Watsons." Sam tried his best to explain to Liam, but Liam seemed like he didn't want to hear it.
"I just don't understand why his good thing has to be something that I once had. Something that I could have continued to have if it wasn't for Techno." Liam grumbled and Sam made yet another face.
"Do you think that all of this happened because of Techno? Do you think that Techno is the one that caused you to move out of that house over a year and a half ago? That everything that has happened to you since is because of him?" Sam wondered, but Liam shook his head in response. "Then why do you think things would have been different if it wasn't for him?"
"Because if he hadn't yelled at me, then I wouldn't have been scared and I wouldn't have moved out. I would have had the life that Tommy has now." Liam tried to reason but Sam didn't seem happy.
"Liam you are the one who moved out. You are the one who called your social worker. Techno didn't make you do anything, it was your choice at the end of the day. You can't hold onto that and put the blame on everyone else for it. It wasn't Tommy's fault, it wasn't Techno's, it was yours. You have to take the responsibility for it." Sam said but Liam just rolled his eyes.
"I thought you said you weren't going to lecture me about it." Liam grumbled and Sam sighed.
"Okay you know what, time for bed. It is time for bed for both of us. We'll talk about how you have to apologize tomorrow once I get off of work." Sam said standing up. Liam didn't say anything but stood up as well. Sam opened up the front door and let Liam walk ahead of him. Liam immediately turned to go up the stairs, ignoring the dog following behind him. "At least let Dude sleep with you tonight!" Sam called after him.
"Why!" Liam called back as he made his way to his room upstairs.
"Because he likes to cuddle and you shut him out earlier!" Sam called as he himself walked to the kitchen.
"Yeah, it's hard to sneak out when a giant dog is cuddling by your side!" Liam yelled, and for a second Sam smiled.
"Yeah no more sneaking out! I'm getting a lock for your window!" Sam yelled back. He didn't get a response but heard the door upstairs close, then heard a dog whining. "Let him in!" He yelled and a moment later he heard the door open and close again. Sam smiled again and looked at the tea kettle on the stove.
Deciding to make a cup of tea before bed he turned it on, pulling his phone back out of his pocket to text Puffy back.
Talked to Liam about this evening, he isn't happy but I think he understands a bit better.
And he pocketed the phone for the second time this evening. After his cup of tea was finished Sam grabbed his book and sat in a chair of the living room, reading until he felt tired. Once he finished the tea he put the mug in the sink and began to make his way up the stairs as well.
Outside of Liam's room he stopped, deciding he was going to check on the boy. He opened up the door and peered into the room as quietly as he could.
Liam was asleep, Dude the dog asleep as well next to him. Sam glanced over to the window and saw it completely closed. He also noticed that Liam had left his shoes downstairs, so it was unlikely that he would try to run away again tonight.
Before he closed the door however he glanced at Liam's dresser and saw on the top of it a single photograph. He didn't know where it came from, or when Liam put it up but he was able to recognize very clearly Liam was one of two people in the photo. He couldn't quite tell who Liam's arm was wrapped around in the photo, but the other boy looked slightly familiar.
Something about the blue eyes made Sam think he had seen them before.
~~~
"Here, you need to drink more water." Ranboo said, giving Tubbo a cup. Tubbo rolled his eyes but took the cup anyway. "How's your hangover?" He asked as he sat down on Tubbo's bed carefully as to not sit on Tubbo. Tubbo had just taken a nap after therapy and was just now waking up.
"Fine Ranboo, I'm fine." Tubbo said and Ranboo nodded. Tubbo put the cup down on the nightstand, glancing at the medicine bottles there.
"If you say so." Ranboo said as he began to stand up, but Tubbo caught his sleeve. "Tubbo?"
"I actually wanted to talk to you about something." Tubbo said carefully, and Ranboo began to feel his heart race in his head. "It's nothing bad." He reassured quickly.
"Okay? What's up?" Ranboo asked as he sat back down. Tubbo took a deep breath.
"I talked with mom and dad, and then a bit with Dr. Simon today before we left. It's all kind of agreed that I need to spend some time in the mental ward." Tubbo said, and Ranboo no longer felt his heart beat in his head. Instead he felt his heart drop to his stomach.
"What?" Ranboo asked, confused on why this is what it had come to.
"Liam being back, seeing him again, it's been messing with the hallucinations. I don't want to be alone." Tubbo explained and Ranboo frowned slightly.
"You're not alone, I'm right here." Ranboo said but Tubbo shook his head, looking away from Ranboo's gaze.
"I don't want to have to rely on you all the time. I know you're my brother and I know that you would do anything for me, that's not what I'm questioning here. But you are also dealing with Liam being back, and I don't want to put everything on you. And you can't really help with the hallucinations." Tubbo said carefully, remembering what had happened in the past.
Tubbo knew this was a panic attack, something he hadn't gone through in a while. The meds were supposed to help this, but to be fair when was the last time he took them? He needed them but at what cost?
Tubbo ran upstairs, to the bathroom and he closed the door. He scrambled for the medicine he had neglected for way too long. He opened the bottle and stared at the contents, no he couldn't do that again.
"Dump them" a voice said faintly, and Tubbo looked around. Who was speaking? "Dump them you don't need them." The voice said again, Tubbo still looked around. It sounded like, well he was dead. "Just dump them, they killed me didn't they?" Liam's voice haunted Tubbo's ears.
Tubbo knew it wasn't real, knew it was a hallucination but at the same time it was right. Tubbo didn't save Liam, but his medicine killed him. Tubbo turned to the toilet and dumped the pills right in. There was a knock before the door opened, Ranboo watched as Tubbo flushed the toilet.
"Tubbo! Tubbo no!" Ranboo said but it was too late, they were gone. "Tubbo I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything but you didn't have to flush your pills." Ranboo said, reaching out for Tubbo. As soon as Ranboo touched Tubbo he began to bawl.
"I fucking killed him, I fucking killed him, I fucking killed him. It should have been me, all this time it should have been me!" Tubbo yelled, Ranboo embraced him fully and brought them down to the floor. Tubbo felt his back touch the tub, he was sitting the same way they found Liam.
"Tubbo." Ranboo began softly, trying to help sooth Tubbo. Normally it would work, but with how Tubbo was sitting nothing would help him now.
"No no no no no no no NO! NO! NO!" Tubbo began screaming and kicking, like a child having a tantrum. But this time it was a teenager having a breakdown after flushing his pills.
"Tubbo please focus on my voice." Ranboo said, doing what usually helped.
"NO NO NO NO LET ME FUCKING DIE I WANT TO FUCKING DIE THIS TIME I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE SO LET ME DIE" Tubbo screamed, still flailing in Ranboo's arms. He would not stop moving, but even when he began to claw at Ranboo, punching and kicking to get out of his grip, Ranboo did not falter.
It pained him to hear what was being said but knew that it wasn't true, it wasn't fully Tubbo talking.
After a while Tubbo seemed to calm down so Ranboo loosened his grip, wrong idea. Tubbo launched out of his arms and out the bathroom, down the stairs and to the kitchen. He grabbed one of the knives just by the time Ranboo made it down.
By the time Ranboo got the knife out of his hand Tubbo was bleeding, his arms both covered in crimson.
"Fuck, Tubbo." Ranboo cursed, grabbing towels and holding them to his arms already. Tubbo started sobbing again but didn't flail.
"Just let me die." Tubbo begged.
"Not today Tubbo." Ranboo said in return
"I just feel like it's the best thing for now, until I can get better with the hallucinations." Tubbo said calmly. Ranboo had tears in his eyes as he looked at Tubbo.
"Are you sure? We can do things differently here, I can sleep in here every night and we can clean the room to make it safe. You don't have to go away." Ranboo said, his voice shaking. Tubbo reached out to grab Ranboo's hand.
"I know you want to help Ranboo, and you are so amazing for it. But that's not what I need right now. I won't be gone forever, I'll be back." Tubbo said at an attempt at comforting him, but all Ranboo could think about was the last time Tubbo was in the hospital. The time that Tubbo almost died because Ranboo wasn't there when he needed him.
"Fuck." Ranboo said in response, throwing Tubbo's hand off of him. Tubbo didn't falter, only frowned slightly at him. Ranboo stood up, not looking at Tubbo. "Fuck, Tubbo."
"It's not your fault, and this is what is going to help me." Tubbo explained but Ranboo shook his head as his tears fell.
"I have helped you for years, and you've done the same. Why am I suddenly not good enough for you?" Ranboo asked, to which Tubbo shook his head.
"It's not like that, and we both know that."
Word count: 3000
Edited by Nug (they/bee) Beta Readers: Tommy/Helix: Void/He/TheyBonnie: They/itSage: Zi/ZerAlabastor: They/ThemKai: He/himZeland: He/Him Vampy: They/SheRyuunic/Liam: he/they/itMew: hurt/it/xe/heNB: they/it