Darkness. That's all life is anymore. A looming pit of nothingness, surrounding me every which way. I feel myself falling deeper, and deeper, knowing I won't be able to catch myself. That is, if there's a chance the falling will ever stop. The endless sinking, being swallowed by blackness. It's never ending. There's no way to catch your breath because of the huge weight on your chest. It's like an anvil is pressing against your torso, crushing your ribs and making it harder to breathe.
That is the definition of depression. Desolation. Sorrow.
When you're so deep in your own sadness that you can't even pretend to be happy anymore; when faking a smile is a chore; when getting out of bed seems like a task so impossible there isn't even a point in trying.
Then, there's the endless amounts of drugs. The prescription pills that they feed you one by one, every day, until they think you're "stable" enough to "enter society."
As if that isn't the thing that brings you down to begin with.
The cruel, sad world filled with nothing but hate and dejection. Wars, starvation, murder. Villages ravaged by disease and death. People being raped and abused on a daily basis. Of course this Godforsaken planet is the one that we are stuck living on, the one that throws us into the deepest pits of our own personal hells, telling us we are nothing but crazy, that pills and hospital visits can "cure" us.
No. That's not how things are at all.
We are meant to live day by day acting like nothing is wrong, dupe ourselves into thinking that everything is okay, that at the end of the day, we're going to be fine.
But that really isn't what life is.
Life is how we live it. It's literally what we make of it. But that's another thing we have no idea what to do with, how to make it our own.
We're basically screwed from the get go.
Now I lay here, staring up at the speckled ceiling of my bedroom, contemplating the meaning of death, telling myself that it can't be as awful as people make it out to be. In fact, death is a beautiful thing. Death is the one escape we will all receive in our lifetime, the one thing that will purge us of this madness.
"Zahra." My mother says, her voice bleak. "You haven't left your room at all today. It's nearly four. Why is it so dark in here?"
She flips my light switch on, and I hiss at her, pulling my pillow over my face. "It's dark because I like the dark. And I haven't left yet because I don't feel like it. Is that a problem?"
I know she can understand my muffled words because she huffs loudly, and I feel her sit down on my bed. My mom's always been supportive, especially when I was diagnosed with my depression and my anxiety disorder. It was bad in the beginning, constant panic attacks, nothing but a dark abyss. She tried her best to pull me out of it...
Then she gave up.
My beautiful mother, with her silky caramel locks, radiant hazel eyes, and lovely olive skin gave up on me. After the constant nights just staying awake to hold me as I cried, the long days of trying to get me to eat... She just gave up.
So I did too. I stopped taking my pills, I rode out the anxiety attacks, and I didn't bother her again. Because she didn't want me to.
"You're going to stay with your Aunt Sue. I can't handle this anymore." She says quietly, putting her hand on my leg.
I laugh humorlessly. "Sure, just pass me off to someone dealing with her own sadness. That's really nice, mom. Really freaking nice."
She scoffs. "Like there's anything else I could've done. And for your information, it was Sue's idea. Seth and Leah miss you. Don't make yourself sound like a victim."
Anger flares up inside of me, and I stand, walking to my closet and pulling out a suitcase, before haphazardly stuffing it with clothes and shoes, before grabbing a duffle bag and filling it as well. "That's really what you think of me? Fine. I'm gone. I'm leaving, and I don't ever want to come back. You're supposed to take care of me, be there for me, and you're making me someone else's problem. Do you know what that makes you? A coward."
****************************************
The airport terminal honestly isn't as busy as I thought it was going to be. There can't even be twenty people here.
I found my suitcase quickly, and slung my dufflebag over it, making the luggage easier to move around.
Seth was the first to find me, his child like exuberance reminding me of a puppy dog. He's grown so much since I've last seen him. He's sprouted about 2 feet taller, and is wrapped in huge, wiry muscles.
Picking me up effortlessly into a hug, he spins me around 4 times before setting me back down. "I missed you so much, Zahra. You look so pretty. I can't believe it's been three years since I've seen you!"
I force a smile. "I know! Apparently your idiot self delved into steroids, though. You're a beast, Seth."
He flexes his arms, leaning forward and grunting loudly. "You know it!"
I hear a hard slap before I see Seth hit the ground. "How I deal with him on a daily basis, for hours on end, is beyond me." Leah croons, her bob of black hair being pulled away from her face. She pokes Seth with the toe of her shoe. He doesn't move. "Well, he's officially dead let's go now."
An honest laugh escapes my lips, and I follow closely behind her as she leaves the terminal, noticing she's gotten muscles of her own, seemingly built from Hercules himself. She's cut off all of her gorgeous black hair, settling for a bob like I'd noticed before, and she's wearing a tank top and some shorts, which is strange considering the Washington weather. Nothing but cold and rain.
My luggage is thrown in the back of Aunt Sue's white camry, and I notice Seth has fallen in step with us, climbing into the passenger's seat as Leah takes her place behind the wheel. I scoot my way into the center of the back seat and buckle in, allowing my mind to go blank while I stare out the window and watch the world go by in sheets of rain.
It feels like mere minutes passed by when I notice we're pulling into the driveway of the familiar Clearwater household. The two story, white cottage always takes my breath away. Forest green shutters adorn the windows, and there's a big porch in the front, shielding the black door from the rain. There's an adorable porch swing on the left, right across from a cute little table with chairs perfect for drinking tea and reading when it's sunny on the right.
Aunt Sue is out the door and pulling me out of the car before I have time to breathe, pulling me into her arms for a tight hug, I feel nothing but the sincere love she pours into the embrace, and hug her back, missing the feeling of actually being cared for.
"I'm so happy you're here sweetie. After what happened with your father, and what happened with Harry, I think we'll be a good support system; to help each other heal, you know?"
I nod, looking down at my feet when I feel the tears prick my eyes. I don't like talking about or hearing about my dad; my best friend that was taken way too early. I will never forget the idiot that thought they were okay enough to drive after a night on the town. The person that t-boned my father's car on the drivers side. The person that killed him on impact because they were stupid enough to drink and drive.
I can't even stand the thought, or smell of alcohol since my dad was ripped away from me, since his life was stolen and I realized I would never see him again.
Before I know it I'm crying, and Sue takes me in her arms again, stroking my chocolate curls. "Baby girl, he wouldn't want you to be sad. You know that."
I sniffle, shrugging.
She knows I don't want to talk, so she squeezes me once more and pulls me into her house, leading me up to the room I always stay in when I come see her. It's covered wall to wall in posters. Band posters, movie posters, book posters, comic posters; everything. My big queen sized bed is pressed into the corner, covered in a black comforter with matching pillow cases, and a deep purple sheet. My desk is against the other wall, sporting a large vanity. To the left of that, is my small walk in closet, where all of my La Push clothes have been stored.
My heart sort of swelled. They left it exactly as it was last time I was here.
I unpack quickly, hanging shirts and dresses, filling up my chest of drawers that's stuffed away in the closet, lining my shoes against the wall. Just before I'm about to pass out from exhaustion, I take the little wolf toy my dad won me at the fair, and set him on my bed, laying out the TARDIS blanket he bought me that same day.
No room has ever felt more comfortable in my entire life.
Jacob
I lay on the gravel, the cold water washing up against my feet. Why did she have to choose Cullen? She knows that she loves me now, she told me herself. Why can't Bella see that I'm the better man, and I always will be?
I take another pull from the George T. Stagg Jr. bottle, and relish in the feeling of finally finding an alcohol strong enough to withstand my high body temperature. I've wanted to get drunk like this for so long, to drown every thought I've ever had, or will have of Bella.
She chose a leech over me, a man that will do nothing but cause her pain. In fact, he already has! I was the one person to make her feel again, to make her human. She was basically a zombie for so long because that damn blood sucker ran off with her heart and left nothing but a shell of the woman I love.
I take another swig, feeling the drunkenness finally beginning to creep its way throughout my body, making my head swim. Taking another drink, I stare out at the black water, reflecting the huge moon centered on the horizon.
When the world begins to sway, I take another drink, wondering if the burn in my throat is the same kind of burn the Cullens feel when they're thirsty.
No. I can't think of them. Of her.
There isn't a lot of booze left, so I finish off the bottle, tossing it against the damned driftwood tree that Bella and I had made our safe haven, the one place in the world we knew the other person would always be.
That's it. I can't stay here.
I stand, stumbling slowly back to the rabbit that's parked on the edge of the road, the same rabbit Bella sat in whenever we hung out.
God damnit, why can't I stop thinking about her?
Oh, that's right, I'm stupid and still love her more than anything. Even though she'd put a lifeless chunk of marble before me. A man with a beating heart, someone that won't lie to her, or hurt her in any way. I would never break her heart like he did, or even like she broke mine. I'd forgive her because it's what she deserves, because I want her back in my life.
I want my Bella. I want her to be my sun like I was hers. I want her to brighten the looming darkness that seems to follow me everywhere I go. I want her to take away this perpetual sadness she's left me with, because she is literally the only person that can.
I fumble with my keys, and take about a minute to get the right key in the door the proper way so I can unlock my vehicle. I see three people in the distance, two of their voices I recognize as Leah and Seth. They won't bother me, though. They know exactly how I'm feeling.
The other voice though, I have no idea who it belongs to, but I ignore the impulse to find out, wanting nothing more than to be home, in my bed, alone.
Like I am every night.
I yank the door open as they pass, and the little stranger stops. I turn, swaying, and see a pair of bright blue eyes staring into my own. She has tears streaking down her cheeks, and her bottom lip is quivering. I let my eyes adjust, immediately feeling myself sober up, and take a good look at her.
She's got hair the color of milk chocolate, and pale skin. Her eyes are wide set, and almond shaped, a brilliant shade of blue. She's got full lips, pouty, and a naturally light shade of pink. Her thick eyelashes frame every inch of everything I see, and basically go down to her cheekbones as she tries to blink away her tears. She's so tiny, barely over five feet tall, and has a small waist to match.
"Please, please don't get in that car. You're massively drunk, and I don't want you to drive. Please don't get in the car." She whimpers, and I finally allow myself to get lost in her crystal orbs.
The air around us becomes static like, making the hair on my arms raise to attention. I feel the world spinning beneath us, but she and I stay in one place. A golden light seems to form around her, and I want nothing more than to stay in this moment forever.
I can't stand the sight of her tears, the way her lip shakes, or the apparent sadness in her face and voice. I can't stand the thought of being the reason why she's crying, or why she's hurting.
I know for a fact I just imprinted, and I know I never want to see my girl like this ever again... Whether I know her name or not.
I reach back into my car, and pull the keys from the ignition, placing them in her tiny, porcelain hand. "Okay. I won't drive. I promise."