The Color of Misery

Chapter 3

Zahra

Jacob's silky smooth voice wraps around my entire being, and I nearly collapse into him. I've finally found someone that knows exactly how I feel, someone that's willing to stick by me through everything.

It kills me to know that Jake lost his mom the same way I lost my dad, and makes it even worse when I realize I wasn't there for him, granted, I couldn't have been; but that doesn't make me feel any less awful. The fact that he'd take me, a complete stranger, under his wing to help cope with the death of her best friend and father means more to me than he will ever know, and shows he is legitimately my own personal angel.

The sincerity in his eyes is what struck me, though. The way they glisten with truth sends me over the edge, and the way he holds my face in his hands makes me feel so safe, so secure... It's like nothing in the world can touch me. No sadness, or heartache. Nothing in this disgusting world can break me from his embrace, and I have never been more content with that feeling.

We stay just like that, our eyes locked in a never ending gaze, just searching blindly for secrets unknown. In that moment, I swear we could see each others souls, every rip, and tear in the other person's heart; every wound in our spirit. It's like baring it all without saying a word.

It's insane to think that I'm so comfortable with someone I only met fifteen minutes ago, someone that was going to drive drunk into the dark La Push night, not knowing what the outcome could have been. It's even more insane to think that if we had come just five minutes later, Jacob could've been dead.

The thought of Jake's lifeless form lying bloodied on the cold concrete made my heart break, sending me into a fit of panic. My stomach ties itself in knots, and I feel myself begin to hyperventilate; my chest tightens, and I nearly double over from the feeling. I motion to Leah, basically waving my arms frantically in the air so she sees me, and she immediately understands.

Grabbing my backpack from where it leans against Jacob's tire, she rushes it to me, already searching for the mint box I keep in the front pocket.

"Z, I need you to breathe for me, okay?" She asks soothingly as the tears start streaming down my face.

I nod, not allowing myself to look at Jacob when the little aluminum box is placed in my hand. I struggle to open the lid, but finally get it, scanning the silver bottom for the proper pill through my tears. Finally seeing it, I pop the little white pill in my mouth and swallow, closing the lid, and once more placing the tin in my backpack.

Leaning forward, I put my feet back in the frigid water, then put my head between my knees, trying to even out my breathing. I feel a large, warm hand rubbing circles into my back, quietly telling Leah that my anxiety attack came out of no where, and that he'd like to know where I keep my pills at all times in case I need another one. She seems to believe him, noticing the way he's caring for me now that the attack is passing, and shows him where I keep all my things. My sleeping pills, anti anxiety medication, my anti depressants, and a paper bag in case I run out of pills for whatever reason.

I focus on their conversation to calm myself down, listening to the way Leah describes my attacks, telling him that it's more than just nervousness, it's like a bulldozer of anxiousness rolling over me; which actually isn't a bad comparison. She then goes on to tell him what helps me most in situations like this, saying physical contact is a major "no-no" because it makes me feel confined. She tells him to make me focus on my breathing, and to rub my hands because they go numb.