I never planned to be broken
But now I cannot be fixed
So I sit here sad and choking in fear
Wondering when I'll be ditched
Dazai's POV
"Just what the hell, Dazai!? How could you fuck up this bad!!?" Chuuya grabbed me by the collar of my shirt, lifting one of his arms and preparing himself to launch a punch at me.
I couldn't blame him at all.
After he arrived in the church, he was the one who finished the job for us and took Kera back. Apparently, the lower-rank had betrayed us, but Chuuya had already got rid of him when he spotted us. In fact, leaving aside the part where the whole Angel Dust ware had disappeared from our radar, he had done the rest of the operation.
"Chuuya, I-" Before I could say anything else, his fist connected with my nose, causing me to step back and hit the wall behind me. Covering the fresh injury with my hand, I noticed the warm crimson blood trickling down my face, the iron taste getting stuck in my mouth.
"I don't want any of your fucking excuses!!!" Seething with rage, he ran towards me, prepared to break each one of my bones. "You are her superior!!! How the hell did you even allow her to go!? You knew this operation was way riskier than the rest!!"
As I dodged his punch, I grabbed his arm, approaching his chest to me and slamming my fist against his gut. He grimaced in pain and fell slump on me for a couple of seconds, which was unlike him, but he rapidly regained his composure, kicking me aside with ease.
I wanted to yell at him.
I truly did.
My past self, the one that existed before Kera stormed into my life like a hurricane, would have surely shouted at the blue-eyed without hesitation and put the blame on him for not having accompanied me during the mission.
But I simply couldn't.
He was the least guilty of all. Especially when he had been beaten up like a rag doll by Mori-san. Indeed, when he said Chuuya was 'sick', it was his way of saying the ginger had disappointed him deeply and he needed punishment.
The bruises on his arms and face were enough proof for me to know the truth Mori-san wanted to hide. How come I hadn't realized it sooner? I thought to myself, looking at the other side of Double Black, who was seething with rage, as the battle continued outside Headquarters for several minutes.
At some point, several members of the organization surrounded us, enjoying the fight that I was losing, yet not daring to interfere since we were higher-ranks compared to them. Honestly, I felt like I had earned all that pain, especially when it was nothing compared to how much harm I had caused to Kera and Chuuya. From the bottom of my heart, I thought I was the culprit of everything bad that happened to those I grew attached to, and, despite sparing with Chuuya, I was reluctant to block some of his blows. I deserved them. And both him and I knew that too well.
"Come on!!! Say something!!!" Chuuya demanded, pinning me to the ground and sitting on top of my stomach, ready to strike once more. This time, I didn't even have the energy to block anything. I felt too tired of everything to do so. Our eyes met and, the moment I saw tiny tears in the corners of his eyes, I understood he didn't know what to do. That, deep inside, he didn't want to argue with me like this. "Mackerel!!" The insult gave the impression he was begging me to say something that would sooth him. But those words... I didn't know them. And so, I received one of his blows. The first of a row I could not count.
"Stop it, you two!!" Out of the blue, a female's voice took us by surprise, and without a moment to react, a body was placed between me and Chuuya. The ginger stopped in mid-air, startled and concerned, and I shot my eyes open, wondering where she came from and why she reacted like that. "Please!!"
The two of us got frozen in the spot, completely forgetting about the fight. From the corner of my eye, the crowd that had appeared a while ago vanished just like dust, leaving the three of us completely alone. Kera's features showed she was overdoing it, hiding as well as she could the pain she was experiencing, but still, she didn't complain.
"Why would you even step into this, Kera!? You're injured like this because of him!!" Chuuya said, pushing himself away from us and sitting on the ground. When my legs were finally free from his weight, Kera also pushed herself away, sitting on the ground, too. When I looked at her, I noticed the thick bandages under her trousers, and the thought that she had to go through all of that pain because of me, even if she had been treated with an ability, made my heart skip a beat.
"This is nobody's fault, Chuuya!!" She suddenly yelled, a single tear rolling down her cheek. "We couldn't predict our man would betray us, much less that the place would blow up like it did!! Nobody would have been able to tell what would happen. Nobody. If everything has turned out like this... well, it has already happened and it cannot be changed. But what we can still change is the future." She then looked at the two of us, clenching her fists tightly as they rested on her lap. "The three of us should be trying to find the ware that disappeared, and not fight... We're partners, and partners should help each other, not hurt each other... Once we are on the outside, we only have us. It's just us. That's why we have to fend for each other, can't you see it?" Her voice cracked, and she had to take a deep breath before saying anything else or she would start crying her eyes out. "You two are really dear to me, and I hate to see you aching this bad..."
"Kera..." Chuuya spoke her name with sorrow in his voice. He stood up and, after cleaning some dry blood on the corner of his mouth, he came next to me, lending me a hand to stand up. He didn't dare look at me, but it was his attempt to make amends. Without thinking it twice, I took his offer, and incorporated.
"I'll be inside searching for something in the documents..." he half-heartedly stated, stuffing his hands in his pockets and walking towards HQ, feeling ashamed and intimidated by Kera's reaction. However, she smiled feebly at him, and let him breath some fresh air to cool down.
"We should head inside, too." She told me, lending me her delicate hand. I wanted to take it, but, at that moment, something inside me clicked, and I was unable to.
Instead, I did something I would have never thought I'd manage to do with an ego like mine.
"I'm sorry." I whispered looking at my sore feet. It was hard at that time, but apologizing was utterly new to me, and I didn't exactly know what I should do. "For letting you get hurt, Kera. And for fighting Chuuya. I really am."
On the spur of the moment, a couple arms embraced me in a tight hug. The warmth was so unfamiliar that I felt awfully lost for a couple of seconds, as though my brain was unable to process human affection.
"It's not your fault, Dazai. Don't try to carry all this burden on your own, because it will only weigh you down. Share it with me, and then I promise everything will be fine." She whispered in my ear, caressing my head. With care, she pulled herself away from the hug, and, without warning, she rubbed the skin below my eye with her thumb, revealing to me the salty tears that I first dropped in my life.
It was true.
That day, it was the first one I couldn't control my emotions. The first time I showed to somebody the fear and pain inside of me.
I wished I could stop, but it was hopeless. I pressed myself against her chest and sobbed like a little child, apologizing once, twice, thrice... I howled and screamed, drowning the sound with her shirt, and my chest ached so much I thought I truly would be dying in her arms.
But, instead of that, I found the comfort of her touch, her scent and, lastly, her voice when she sang a lullaby to heal the broken pieces of my darkened soul.
"Let the pain in your heart
Make you stronger tonight
Let all your woes depart
And I'm sure you'll see the light
Let the wind guide your way
The starry sky bless your eyes
Sorrow go away
I will be okay
There won't be more silent cries..."
Every word and every tune made me shiver. I didn't know why, but she made me grow weak and gain strength at the same time, letting a feeling of belonging thrive inside me.
"Shhh... It's alright, Dazai. Everything will be fine. And, if it is not, I will still be here to try and make it alright for you. So you can find a reason to live." With that last sentence, I fell into a deep dream, wishing it was not a lie for me to calm down, but a truth I could treasure with me for the rest of my life.
Even after we tracked down the Angel Dust ware.
Even after every single mission we fulfilled.
Even after I left the Port Mafia for good.
But only now that I have her by my side once again, only now that we have been honest with one another... Only now can I say she will never go back on her word.
Because, after all, she has already given me that reason.