- taylors pov -
With my morning coffee I stand and look out from our big windows in the kitchen down on the streets of New York bellow us. Our apartment is the penthouse, so we are far up in a skyscraper owned by the hilton empire. Well... now both the Fitzgerald and hilton empires are merged and is called the hilton, but it was owned by the hilton before they merged.
It's cold in New York now and hopefully there will be snow soon. Early December marks the transition from fall into winter. Fall is my favorite season, so I'm always sad to see it fade into the past, but winter has its own charm too.
Joes' arms wrap around my waist from behind, so I lean into his arms «are you sure you're ready to go into work?»
«I won't know before I try. And it's been a little over two months since the miscarriage. I'm going crazy being at home all day, I need to get back into normal, so I don't suffocate» I've been doing a lot of therapy, yoga, journaling, reading and trying to get back to myself. But now I need to add work into the equation. If I want my normal life back, I need to do the normal things too, therefore work is on the agenda from today and moving forward. Everyone has said I need to take all the time I need to get back on my feet, but I can't sit around at home anymore. If I don't get back to my regular life, I'm going to go insane and it's probably going to be harder the longer I push it off. Rip of the Band-Aid is the angle I'm taking today.
«There is no harm in taking more time to rest. I just don't want you to fall apart again» I know he means well but it's annoying. The last thing I want is to be treated like some delicate flower that's going to break.
«Remember what Laura said» we have had a few sessions as a couple because we needed to work on us as well as me working on me. A miscarriage is hard on a couple and I don't want it to damage what we have. Laura said that I need to be in charge of taking steps back to normal, and that he shouldn't second guess it. It's important for me to be in charge of my own recovery because it's my life and I need to be in the driver's seat.
«I know what she said. I'm just worried about you love. It's my job to worry about my wife and my daughter» I love it when he calls Lilly his daughter, it melts my heart no matter how long it has been since the adoption. How can I be mad when he says stuff like that.
**
Okay this is harder than I thought. Last time I was in this office I was in the bathroom and... no I can't even think about it. but I take deep breaths and sit down at my desk to get some work done. They have made sure my workload is less than normal for now so I can ease back into work. At first, I was pissed they wouldn't let me just jump back in, but there was no arguing when both my dad and Joe ganged up on me. Still pissed about that, but with how I'm feeling right is they were right.
I'm scared that if I go into the bathroom there will still be blood there, but I've been promised its clean and there is no trace of what happened. I guess I just need to trust the people closest to me. Selena even got one of those special flashlights that the police use to seek for blood evidence during crime investigations to check the bathroom. The professional cleaner we used really got the blood out of there and there isn't a trace of it left. Selena might have gone a bit overboard, but I love her for it.
Tre is a knock on my door before Joe comes in. «How are you doing? It's no shame going home if it's too hard...» he starts, and I glare at him. «Joseph. I told you I'm fine. Stop meddling, I need to do this. If anything, you're making it harder. I have work to do so leave me to do it please» I snap at him. He is taken back, I can see that, and I know he just wants to help. I'm still struggling with accepting help from those around me, but at least I'm trying.
Before I can apologize, he backs out of my office «I will leave you to it then» he says before leaving.
Of course I fucked that up too. I'm straight up a horrible wife. Clearly, I can do nothing right anymore and I feel like a hopeless case. Why can't I just be normal? Why can't this shit just never have happened to me, and I could have been spared from all this pain. I'm exhausted and I don't know what to do anymore.
Normally I wouldn't deal with personal issues like these in the office, but I can't keep working when there is tension between me and Joe. So I head across the hall to his office and knock before I go in. He is sitting on his couch with his head resting in his hands. Fuck he is upset, but I guess that's my fault.
«I'm sorry Joe. I shouldn't have snapped at you. I'm just on edge today» I say and sit down beside him but keep some distance because I don't know if he wants physical contact right now.
«You keep pushing me away Taylor and it terrifies me. We are like hot and cold these days. Sometimes things are like they used to be but then it turns, and the air gets cold. Are you... did this... did this whole thing change too much between us... don't you want to be with me anymore and are just struggling to find out how to tell me?» He says and I furrow my eyebrows.
«Joseph. Of course I want to be with you, that's not even a question in my head because I love you and you're the love of my life. Things are hard right now but that doesn't mean I'm giving up on what we have. We are end game babe. Never doubt how much I love you. You're right, things have been shitty but that doesn't mean I don't have deep enough love for you to get through it» I take his hand in mine and intertwine our fingers.
He lifts his head to look at me and he has bloodshot eyes «oh Joe» I scoot closer and wrap my arm around him. I hate it when he is upset, and I want to take his pain away. I've must have been really shitty lately if he thinks I want to leave him. Leaving him isn't even an option in my head, I love him too much for that.
«I know I've been difficult these last few months, and I am trying to get over it, but don't give up on me please. I love you and I don't want to lose you. It might take some time but I'm getting back to the person I used to be, I just need some time Joe»
He lets go of my hand so he can cup my face «I love you too love. Forever and always»
**
After picking up Lilly from school we head to the bridal boutique we are meeting my mom, joe's mom and Selena at. I need a new dress for the wedding vow renewal, and they decided that we are doing that today. The wedding isn't until March, but I guess that's actually only four months away. We got lucky last time that they could get a dress in time for the wedding, but this time I can pick from more dresses as we have more time for alterations.
Since the renewal is kept under wraps, they made sure to pay the lady that is going to help us to not spill the fact that we are here picking out another dress. We don't want a scandal of some sort to get out, but it wouldn't really be a big deal. We could just say that we wanted to renew our vows at the one-year mark but then something happened, so we postponed. It's not a big deal actually when I think about it. People renew their vows for all sorts of reasons these days.
We reach a private room in the back where I'm trying on dresses and there is a couch for my guests. They are already here so we exchange hugs. «Mommy is picking out another pretty dress to get married again to daddy» Lilly beams as she looks around the big room.
«I am. And you're getting a special dress too princess. Remember daddy telling you that you're going to be a flower girl again?» I kiss the top of her head and she happily say that she remembers that.
«Good afternoon Mrs. hilton and bridal party» the boutique owner Monique says, and we introduce everyone before we start looking for dresses. «Do you have a vision in mind Taylor?» She asks. I told her to call me Taylor because I like the personal name when we are doing something like this. Picking a dress to get married again to the love of my life is an intimate and special thing.
«I want a dress that I can wear both to the ceremony and to the reception. So I don't want a long trail in the back because it would get in the way. And it's a destination wedding where the ceremony is on the beach, so it needs to fit that too» we decided to have the wedding in the Bahamas because we wanted to do it outside. I've already had the big wedding, so now I want something intimate and outside. The only people coming are those closest to us because we only wanted to share it with the people we love. The other wedding had 400 guests, but this reception will be 11 people.
«Do you know if you want long or short sleeved?» She asks and I tell her that if I'm going to have long sleeves it needs to be lace so it won't be too hot, but I'm not opposed to long sleeves. I happen to really like the look long sleeved lace can give a wedding dress. I was originally thinking that I could have a high slit or something to make it different from the other dress in that way too, but I figured out that it's not really like me to have a dress that almost shows my crotch in front of my parents. The pictures taken at the wedding will be kept forever so I want to be able to look at them when I'm old and hopefully not cringe because I thought I was going to be sexy or something.
While my family drinks champagne, I go with Monique to look around the store while Lilly also tags along. I promised her that she was going to get to help me pick out the dress this time. Of course I have the final say but she was so excited to help me pick out some dresses to try. And she will get to pick out her dress herself. Whatever dress she wants she gets, same with Selena. I'm only having one brides Maids, Selena, and then Joe has Patrick as his groomsman.
«Thats so pretty mommy» Lilly says as she points to a dress that we decide to try.
In total I end up with ten dresses that I like enough to try on. It will take a while but I'm dead set on finding just the right dress for me. I'm voluntarily getting married, again, to the love of my life so I'm doing it right this time. It might not be the big wedding we had the first time around, but I prefer an intimate setting. I'm not one that likes to stick out in a crowd and make myself a big deal, so this ceremony is perfect for me. When I'm surrounded by the people closest to me, I don't have to pretend that I am someone I'm not in real life.
At the first wedding I was more preforming for the crowd than actually enjoying myself. First of all, I was miserable that I didn't even get to choose my groom, but then there were people there that I hardly knew or had strained relationships with. People that pretend to like me, pretend to be my friend and all that but we are practically obligated to invite. I couldn't get loose at the reception because I knew there was people in the room looking for any reason to tear me down or find something to hold against me. The anxiety I felt was suffocating.
But this time around I can be myself because I love and trust the select few people coming to the Bahamas with us. This time I don't need to put on a face and pretend to be all posh because the people that are coming won't judge me the same way.... Okay my parents and joes' parents won't approve if I get drunk and dance on a table, but that's not my plan anyway. The plan however is that we will have the reception and then our parents will leave us to party just the young adults and they will take care of Lilly for us. the next day we are spending some time with Lilly before Joe, and I get on a plane to Paris while my parents are taking Lilly with them home. The first time around we didn't do a honeymoon, so this time we are first going to Paris and then to Italy.
I've tried on all the dresses, and they are all pretty but there is one of them I want to try on again. It's the one I liked the most and I think it might be the dress I pick.
Monique helps me into the dress, and I step back out on the podium and look in the mirror before facing the others. «I think this is the dress» I say and bite my lip. I hope they like it just as much as I do. Its floor length but it doesn't have a long trail. The neck is a deep v cut but not in a way that's too sexy to wear around our parents. The sleeves and the whole upper part are all lace with a nude backing that they can change to match my skin tone perfectly so it doesn't look like there is anything under it. And then the skirt is flowy so it's easy to walk in but it's still a fit that I love a lot.
«Mommy I love it too. You're so pretty» she sighs dramatically making all of us chuckle. The girl will probably do some theatre at some point because she is pretty dramatic, it's one of the things I love about her. It also makes her shine more when she skates because her personality shows from miles away.
«I'm saying yes to the dress» I cheekily say. Growing up I used to watch that show all the time as I dreamed about what my wedding might be one day, and I've always wanted to say it.
***
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