I looked at Anty, my grandmother, Janan and eventually at the most adorable girl ever. "Why did she name her after me?" I questioned.
"She wanted you to forgive her for everything, she blames herself for not being a good elder sister to you and being with you when you needed her the most." I eventually let down that tear that struggled to run down my face.
I glanced at my niece who is now my namesake who my sister gave birth to and gave up to the ghost. She looks exactly like her father but has my sister's cute lips. From that day I took an oath to treat him in such a way she will never guess that I am not her mother.
"Can I take her with me?" I asked grandma and she nodded. "Of course, you can, she is your daughter also." I smiled and I told Janan to carry her diaper bag so we can return to our father's house.
We walked out of the room then I suddenly remembered that I have to tell Anty something.
"Janan wait for me, I want to tell Anty something." she nodded and I saw those who were in grandma's room leaving.
I was about to open the door when I heard them saying my name. I don't like eavesdropping but I heard my name, so I have to hear what it is they are saying about me.
"Why didn't you tell her Safiyah's other request?" Grandma asked and I heard a sigh.
"Not now, maybe after the 40 days prayer, you know how Hauwa can be. She may decide to leave again." what could it be that they don't want to tell me? It must be really big news since Anty says I might decide to leave.
I decided to leave, I will ask Anty later. I kept pondering their conversation until I got to my father's house thinking about what precisely it might be.
Janan helped me with my luggage up to my room which Anty keeps clean always praying for the day I decide to come back. God! I have the most amazing stepmom.
Janan took hauwa, we need to find her a nickname, I entered my room to freshen up and I gasped. Everything still looks the same, just like I left it. I looked around the room and I couldn't hold back the tears anymore.
I couldn't help but imagine what our relationship would have been with Safiyah, not that we were not close but she never really cared for me as an elder sister should have and our mother as usual made it worse. Sadiyah was the apple of her eye, Safiyah never did wrong in her eyes but Hauwa was always the rebellious one. I don't think I can forgive my mother and being in this room is bringing back memories I do not wish to remember. Memories that I have tried my best to recover from. As much as I try to forget it, I just can't.
"Haba Hauwa, why are you crying?" Anty sauntered into the room and I hugged her immediately and sobbed harder.
"It's okay my darling, everything will be okay In sha Allah." I nodded and we sat in absolute silence for a while before she asked.
"How is Ajwad." I smiled brightly for the first time that day. "He is good, he is with Sameerah. I wanted to bring him but because of school I had to leave him behind." she smiled and continued to massage my head which was slowly calming my nerves.
"Janan showed me his picture, it's irritating he looks like that bastard." I chuckled. "Yeah and we can dispute the fact that he is a handsome bastard." we both burst into fits of laughter.
"You know she regrets everything and for not being a sister to you when you needed her the most." I sighed.
"I know Anty, I want to forgive her and let bygone be bygone but my heart clenches anytime I remember it. I met her Anty, I told her what was wrong with me, I told her all he was doing to me and she told me to just leave and she wasn't in the mood for my shenanigans." I can recall everything, word by word.
"Child, to forgive is not to excuse what the other person did. It's to prevent their behavior from destroying your heart. To err is human, to forgive, is divine." She left the room and I was left to my thoughts.
I believe pain has a crucial role in our lives because it acts as a learning lesson that makes us wiser. A broken heart in real life isn't half as dreadful as it is in books, It is far worse than that...
"I was told my favorite sister was in town." My eyes lit up when I saw my elder brother's figure by the door frame.
"Yaya Hammad." I squealed and bounced on him while he quickly grabbed me and moaned. "God, what have you been consuming?" I rolled my eyes and punched his broad chest.
"I missed you pumpkin." He ruffled my hair and I growled. "You are still as annoying as ever."
"Where is my nephew?" he questioned and I replied to him.
"Ya muka ji da hakuri."
"Hakuri ya zaman dole, we have to be patient," I replied to him and he hugged me and then kissed my forehead.
"She is in a better place in sha Allah." I nodded.
Janan walked into the room with a freshly bathed little hauwa wrapped in her pink shawl.
Janan handed her over to me and I sniffed that baby smell and I sighed, the smell keeps me calm.
We sat and discussed everything and nothing. They told me about everything that has happened not like we don't communicate but conversations hit better in real life. Yaya Hammad and Janan are my half siblings but one can hardly differentiate because I am always with them and it is like Anty is my biological mother. She assisted me with everything I ever needed ever since I understood the difference between my left and right. My mother was never there, she was more focused on my now-late elder sister, Safiyah.
Mama barged into the room interrupting our little reunion to inform me that my father asked for me and as I looked at her really deep, we had no resemblance. Safiyah was her carbon copy, looks exactly like her. I only had her figure 8 shape and height, that's all. All my facial features and complexion, I inherited from my dad. A tan complexion, doe eyes, a straight nose, and plump lips, unlike Safiyah who was lighter with a button nose.
I knocked on the door to my father's living room and entered when I heard the go-ahead. There he was situated on his royal sofa, Basheer Danbatta a Hausa businessman and second child to Musa Danbatta and Salma Danbatta.
"My daughter finally decided to come back to her old man." I shook my head and I hugged. I might not have a good relationship with my mother but I have a special relationship with my father. I am a daddy's girl. "Well your wife threw me away, I had no choice." I muffled and he pinched me while I groaned in pain
"Don't say that..."
"Okay, but it's the truth." He sighed and sat me down next to him.
"I missed you." I nodded. "I missed you too daddy."
Today is 8 days since Safiyah passed away and a day after Hauwa's naming ceremony. I haven't since Safiyah's husband yet and I am not ready to face him, story for another day.
Mama was furious yesterday when she found out her granddaughter was named after me and it took a lot before her sisters were able to calm her down.
"Hauwa, your father is calling you." Anty said and I looked puzzled.
"Let's go, your mother has started her madness." I rolled my eyes and dropped the book I was reading and followed anty.
We entered the sitting room and I greeted everyone who was present in the room which included Abba, my grandmother and my father. I sat on the carpeted floor next to Anty.
"Why did you request for this gathering?" Abba asked mama. I looked at her and she glared at me before proceeding to talk to Abba.
"I don't think Safiyah's daughter should be named after Hauwa and Hauwa shouldn't be the one to take care of her."
"Why?" Kaka asked and she kept mute.
"Safiyah specifically told me that her daughter should be named after her younger sister Hauwa and that was her last wish." Kaka added.
"Talk." Abba bellowed which frightened me and mama because I saw her bolt in fear.
"Aisha I thought I had talked sense into you. How can you be treating your daughter terribly. You gave birth to her yourself, no one helped you. Fear Allah." Kaka advised which will end up in deaf ears. I know my mother well enough.
"Kaka she is to stubborn, I can't deal with her stubbornness. My own is that she can have the name but I will not allow her take care of the child until she remarries." She concluded and dramatically leaves the room.
One by one we left the sitting room not after the elders advising me to exercise more patience.
Everyone might think I am stubborn but no, I am nothing but a big softie. I use my stubbornness as a defense mechanism to avoid getting trampled on by people but my mother will never understand. That woman hardly knows anything about me.
I crashed on my bed and picked my dairy.
Dear Diary,
I have come to understand that forgiveness is designed to set you free, life is too short to be unhappy and I wish my sister was alive for me to tell her but I will write this down....
For the way you treated me, I forgive you
For not being there for me, I forgive you
I forgive you for not showing me the love I needed. I forgive you for everything and I thank you because I am stronger because of you. I am no longer holding a grudge against you because the weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong but for mama, it's still going to take a while for that.
I am delighted that you named your daughter after me, I promise to treat her like I gave birth to her and she will never lack a think. I promise you that and because whenever I look at her I fell like there is a light at the end of a tunnel, I have decided to nickname her Noor, my light.
I love you anty Safiyah, I pray Allah forgives all your sins and shine light in your grave. May Allah reunite us in jannah.
Love, Hauwa