Ikatatlumpu't-pito
So close
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Naramdaman ko ang mainit na aspalto sa isang bahagi ng pisngi ko. I wanted to stir, but I had no control of my body. It smelled like gas. My eyes were rolling back.
It was like I was a tool, useless until I was brought to life.
May isang boses akong narinig na bumulong sa'kin na hindi ko na nasundan at naintindihan.
Help.
I'm bleeding. Badly. Concussion. . . dirt. A bus just hit me. Barely surviving.
I don't want to die.
Please.
Something like ice touched my cheek before consciousness betrayed me.
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I was so sure I'd hear voices even at my immobile state and even felt the touches of the same warm hand on mine.
Nagmulat ako na halos ikinaluluha ng mga tuyo kong mata. The smell of antiseptic hung on the air when I forced my body little by little to move on my own will, refusing to shut my eyes again with the numbness that attacked my legs with worry that I might not be able to open them back.
I took in my plain hospital gown as I ripped the IV and the other devices that was attached to my skin. Dragging my heavy feet, kumuha ako ng suporta sa dingding bago ko pinindot ang command button na nakadikit doon.
Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako katagal doon na tinititigan lang ang mga paa ko. Bumukas ng marahas ang pinto ngunit tumingala lang ako nang nakalagpas na sila sa malaking mga panels na nakaharang sa connecting sofa ng private room.
A woman and a man stood with the doctors who calmly approached my side. Itinaas ko ang kamay ko sa nurse na nagtangkang mag-assist sa'kin. "I'm fine."
Nakita ko ang lubhang pagdadalamhati sa mukha ng babae.
I was still groggy with the medicine they injected in my body. I looked up at the doctor, saw how his lips moved with orders while the nurses made sure the bed I woke up on was fine.
"Bruna. . ." tawag ng babae at nagmadali akong hinawakan at tiningala gamit ang namimilog niyang mata.
"I wouldn't want. . ." Nailang ako at binaba ang kamay niya. "Mas nanghihina ako kapag hinahawakan ako."
Umawang ang bibig niya bago dahan-dahang lumingon sa lalakeng tahimik lang akong pinagmamasdan, hindi mabasa ang ekspresyon.
"When did you woke up?" marahang tanong ng doktor sa'kin pagkatapos niyang mag-suhestiyon na umupo muna ako na tinanggihan ko.
"As soon as I called you."
Wala akong magawa sa pagkabit muli ng IV.
"Just a pinch, we'll do this for the tests." Saka ko naramdaman ang paghihigpit ng ugat ko sa dugong kinuha.
Kahit pinagbabawalan ko, hindi na ako tinantanan ng mga kamay ng babaeng umiiyak ng tahimik sa tabi ko. Caressing my hair, kissing my forehead and squeezing my hand while cradling her very pregnant belly.
"This is your sister, Ramona. And the man she's with is her husband, Giles Sazón," mahinahong pahayag ng doktor ngunit hindi ko pinalagpas ang pag-iingat niyang tingin sa'kin na tila ba isa akong bagay na dapat mapagkaingatan.
Nilabas ng babae ang phone niya at nakitang nahuli ko siya sa ginawang iyon. "I will text your boyfriend, Uno, to let him know of the news of you waking up," she said as she sniffed and tried to smile at me.
I knew by then there was something wrong. I knew it with the way they communicated to the doctor with their eyes.
"You woke up after three days of recovering, Bruna. But your body is still in its weakest state because of the accident that happened. You are yet to be strong again. Your legs are quite affected by the collision but it is of great relief that you can still move them even if it seems like it's new. You had a slight concussion. There are little cuts on your skin that can be easily mended in days’ time, but now your father will be here shortly. In the meantime we will have to advice—"
"Can I please go outside?" walang pag-aalinlangan kong putol.
Nagkatinginan muna silang lahat bago ako pinayagan ngunit kasama rin ang isang lalakeng nurse at inakay ako sa elevator hanggang sa hawak ko na ang barandilla ng gardens.
Why.
Why don't I remember anything.
Bakit walang pumapasok sa isipan ko ni isa?
Binalikan ko ang hitsura ng babae na halatang hindi gusto ang mawala ako sa paningin niya kanina. Ramona, my sister. I only had to remember that part. Everything else, none.
My hands itched with nerves which I had to flex again if I didn't want it freezing.
"Does it give me a few days?"
Sumulyap ang nurse sa'kin na hindi sigurado kung narinig niya akong nagsalita.
"My memories."
Ilang segundo siyang hindi sumagot bago tumikhim ng propesyonal. "I suppose, Miss."
I saw patients everywhere, grief sweeping through every corner. Kung dumalaw man ako sa chapel sa isang palapag, matatakot lang ako sa mga makikitang umiiyak dahil pakiramdam ko ay pakikiramay rin iyon sa parte ng sarili kong nawala.
It's like my heart was stolen away, I did not know who. And my mind not present, I did not know where to find the place it was stuck at. Leaving me as an empty shell.
What happened to me in that accident?
"Can you go first and see if I can walk on my own and take the elevator?" pakiusap ko sa nurse na hinahawakan ang IV ko para sa'kin. "It wouldn't take a while for me to come back."
Tumuwid siya at seryoso akong tinignan. "No, Miss. Kailangan kitang bantayan hanggang sa pagbalik mo sa iyong silid."
"I'm not going anywhere. Ipapahanap agad ako ng kapatid ko sa oras na hindi ako bumalik ng sampung minuto. And I am close to incapable, so I don't think I'll run with a purpose that actually needs a stable amount of memory."
God. It wasn't until he left when I realized my headache was killing me.
I gradually recognized humility when I saw other people in their individual state. Isang matanda ang nagtanong sa'kin na ikina-ilingan ko lang, not knowing what to answer with my confused state of mind.
Hindi ako nagtatagal sa pananakit ng mga paa ko. Dumikit ako sa pader ng elevator at pilit binigyan ng laman ang isipan ko.
I opened my eyes and almost regretted not muttering my prayers in the chapel earlier.
Suddenly, my chest felt heavier when I stepped on the private floors. Kinalimutan ko iyon sa abalang pagbitbit ng wheelchair na iniwan ng nurse sa'kin kasama pa ang pagdala ng IV na hirap na hirap agad ako dahil sa kawalan ko ng lakas.
I was a little bit later than ten minutes, so he was probably back to the gardens to find me. I almost felt sorry.
Walang tao sa pribadong floor ngunit may nakita akong isang lalake. My skin buzzed with shame as I knew I had an audience, pulling on the things almost forcibly until I wanted to give up right then and there with my useless legs.
Naramdaman ko ang pagtigil ng katangkaran niya sa harap ko upang tulungan akong buksan na mismo ang wheelchair para makaupo ako roon.
"Thanks," I mumbled in a small voice, stopping myself last minute from sighing so obviously for the relief it gave me.
Parang bago lang ang lahat sa'kin.
I stilled as I felt fingers brush a few stubborn strands of my hair out of my face. Tumingala ako sa lalake at inulit ang sinabi ko nang makitang tumagal ang titig niya sa'kin. "Thanks."
Nilabanan ang hiya na naramdaman, yinuko ko ang sarili ko. "M-my legs would be quite wobbly when I use them, the doctor said."
I don't know what made me say that in front of a stranger.
Nasilayan ko ng husto ang hitsura niya. 'Yun ay dahil bigla siyang lumuhod at marahang ipinagsalikop ang mga kamay namin. "What does waking up feel like this time, my love?"
Bumitaw agad ako ng hindi nag-iisip. "Sorry. Ginulat mo lang ako."
Umiling sa reaksyon ko ang estranghero at tinangkang halikan ang isa kong kamay. "Not at all—"
"I'm sorry," I blurted out again, not sure where I found my continuing words. "I couldn't catch even the idea of your name when my memory is unreliable at the moment. Who are you?"
Wala sa sarili kong hinawakan ang kamay ko at hinaplos, his face reminding me of the arctic. Calculating, a dead calm.
"What do you mean?" tanong niya ng nakatingala sa'kin.
Biglang sumikip ang dibdib ko, at nasa isang aisle kami na hindi dinadaanan maliban na lang kung may pasyente kang dadalawin na nandito, kaya alam kong nandito siya para sa'kin. I didn't see him in the room earlier.
Hinuli niya ang mga mata ko, parang isang bitag na hindi na ako makakawala sa segundong nakuha na ako nito. The depths of his eyes, even if it practically gave out no feeling, it cried out something to me. Like that emotion was only mine.
Blank.
Sumakit muli ang ulo ko. I can't.
I planned to ignore that confusion and that unexpected torture. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin at ipinaatras ang sinasakyang wheelchair. "I-if it doesn't bother you, Mister, please hold my IV for me until we stop at my door. My room is number 88D."
Mabilis at walang kahirap-hirap niya akong pinigilan. "What's the matter?"
"Please," wika ko at umiling. I don't understand myself right now.
He looked caught off guard, but there was that calmness again when his warm hand reached out to touch my face lightly. "It's me, bella."
"I don't remember you," bigkas ko.
Pinanood ko ang reaksyon niya. Bumukas at sumirado ang bibig, tila sa kauna-unahang beses ay hindi malaman kung ano ang sasabihin. I thought of nothing even when he looked down with his eyes closed, muttering an oath under a deep breath.
Sinubukan ko muling umalis. "K-kailangan ko nang bumalik ngayon—"
Hinuli niya ang kamay ko at ngayon ay hinawakan na ng mahigpit na parang ayaw akong mawala. "Please don't play with me."
"I'm not playing games with you." Kumunot ang noo ko at tinitigan siya sa mata, ngunit hindi iyon nagtagal ay binawi ko muli ang sarili ko sa kanya.
What was his name?
Makakaalis na sana ako kung hindi lang may dumating sa hallway na kami lang ang nandoon. Nakita ko ang paglaki ng mata ni Ramona, ang kapatid ko, bago nagmamadaling lumapit.
I couldn't recall her, either.
"What did you do to her?" salubong ng asawa niya.
They shared a stare down with the guy who stood up beside me. "I didn't do anything to her."
"It's fine. He just helped me," mabilis kong depensa at pinaikot ang wheelchair na pinigilan naman ni Ramona. "Are you okay?"
"My head hurts. Tama na ang pamamasyal ko sa garden ng mag-isa," sagot ko.
A part of me wanted to look back at the man who knew me. He did. But I couldn't say either his name, nor what kind of person he was like.
"I'll take her to her room," deklara ng lalake at pumwesto sa likod ko upang itulak ang wheelchair ko nang walang tinatanggap na apila. I notice Ramona fighting her tears while looking at us, holding her husband before stepping away.
Nakabibinging katahimikan ang namagitan sa'ming dalawa. At mas lalo lang lumala sa pagpasok namin sa cuarto.
Tahimik ko siyang hinayaang akayin ako sa kama. His strength was intimidating, I forced myself not to feel anything as I sat and mumbled my thanks again.
"Thank you. . ." Tumigil ako at bahagya siyang tiningala.
"Duke," aniya sa isang hindi mapaliwanag na boses. "My name is Duke."
Maliit akong tumango. "Thank you, Duke."
Hindi ang sinambit na pangalan ni Ramona.
Nanuot sa akin ang titig niya at tila nabasa kong hindi niya iyon gustong putulin nang sinulyapan niya ang kalagayan ko. "Is there something else you need me to do?"
"Nothing else."
He dragged his eyes back to me and found that stare staying there as if he had so many things to say, so many things to express, and I couldn't exactly react to it the same way he wanted to.
"I'll be outside."
He turned away.
And it was late when I watched him walk away with that back, that face, that I realized he was familiar.
My beating organ cleaved with the pulse that leaped for the first time in the hour that I woke up. So close.
It was like an assault to my numbing senses. I stared at the door, surprised by the sudden urge of going out and following him.
Subalit sa segundong naramdaman ko ang pagbabalik ng isang emosyon, parang gumuho ang lahat ng iyon.
And his name slipped from my mind again.
What was wrong with me?
Sinalo ko ang kauna-unahang luha na tumulo mula sa mata ko, the feeling of great loss overpowering me. Like a part of me was badly taken away.
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nagtulak sa'kin nang tumayo muli at kinuha ang IV upang lumabas, gustong kumawala sa nakakasakal na tensiyon sa cuarto ngunit hindi alam ang patutunguhan sa walang taong daan hanggang sa nakita ko ang sky view balcony.
I gripped my IV tight as I led myself on.