The sun had set and I was still curled up in bed. My mom came in several times. The last time, she stayed, laying on my bed with me in silence. I knew the silence was bothering her.
Considering my over active mind was inherited, I couldn't even imagine what was going through hers. Eventually, I let out a deep sigh and turned to face her.
"There you are, sweetheart," Mom said, and brushed my hair behind my ear. "What's wrong? Did you have a fight with Melissa?"
I shook my head. What was I supposed to say? She didn't even know how the whole dating Noah thing came to be. There was no point in trying to explain to her how badly I had screwed up.
"Am I a bad person?" I whispered after some time.
"Of course not, honey, why would you even say that?" Mom said, so sure in her words I almost believed her. Almost.
"What if I did something really horrible?"
Mom was quiet for a moment, and then she sighed. "Good people can do bad things sometimes. Nothing is ever that bad that it's unfixable."
Lies. Things people told others when they didn't want them to feel worse. People who did bad things were usually bad people. If they were good people, they wouldn't have done bad things. At least that's what I'd always believed until now...
And besides, just because you can fix something, doesn't unbreak it. It doesn't change that you broke it in the first place. It doesn't remove the cracks that you leave behind.
I turned again, facing my window, and my mom rubbed her hand up and down my back.
"I don't know what happened with you and Melissa, but you'll fix it. You guys always do."
"Not Melissa," I mumbled.
"Lily?" she asked and then paused for a few seconds as I shook my head. "Noah?"
I froze. That was answer enough for her.
"Ah. Boy troubles. Well, that's definitely something you can fix, my darling. I've had so many fights with your dad when we were younger, and all it taught us was how to talk to each other." Mom seemed to relax when she realized I was talking about who she considered my boyfriend. But she didn't know. This wasn't something communication could fix.
When I didn't reply, she let out a sigh and got off the bed.
"I'll leave you alone, sweetie. But you need to come eat dinner," she said and stopped me before I could speak. "Even if you're not hungry."
Then she left and I was alone again. Alone with my thoughts.
Tomorrow I would go to school and I would see him again. And then on Tuesday, it would be our last day, and we would break up.
Only I didn't think I could wait until then. I didn't think I could look him in the eyes, and hold his hand, and smile with this guilt pressing down on my heart. I couldn't do it. I couldn't pretend.
Tomorrow I would tell him the truth. I would tell him the truth and I would break up with him and it would be over. Tomorrow.
It was always going to end this way.
I knew that. I had made up my mind. Really, I had. This was something that had to be done.
But why, then, had I found it so hard to get out of bed in the morning?
Why did I, like a coward, message Noah that Melissa would be driving me to school?
Why had I been doing my best to avoid him all day?
If this was the right thing to do... how come it felt so deeply wrong?
Sighing, I dragged my feet to the next class. It was like I was postponing the inevitable. But it wasn't just that. Even looking at Noah now, felt wrong. He didn't know anything. For him, the last thing on his mind was probably what I was about to do. After all, Saturday had been... I couldn't even think about Saturday. That was way too painful. I had to draw a line somewhere.
"There you are." Noah's voice made me freeze on the spot. "I was beginning to think you were avoiding me."
Shit. I forgot we had the same last class. Squeezing my hands together to stop them from shaking, I looked up at him, trying to fake a smile.
"It's just been a hectic day." I said and when I saw the relief on his face my heart broke. "Can we talk, after class?"
His brow creased and he tilted his head. "Sure, what's up?"
I looked up at him, the small smile on his face, still so blissfully unaware. Maybe I didn't have to break up with him. Maybe I could make up for what I had planned to do. Maybe–
Christina bumped against me as she went into the class. The look she gave me could have made hell freeze over.
There was no making up for it.
"It's just–I'll tell you after class."
Noah seemed confused. Concerned. Which was understandable considering how I was acting. I brushed past him, with my head down, found my seat, and kept my head firmly locked on the desk in front of me.
It stayed that way until class had ended. And then the classroom emptied. And I still sat there.
"Skyler?" Noah said from right next to me, and pulled me out of my daze.
Right. Time to get this over with. I got up. Walked past him. He was saying something but I couldn't listen. I couldn't talk. I just wanted to get this over with. Get back to my old life. How it was supposed to be.
The fresh air felt like a whip against my face, each step heavier than the last.
When we climbed down the steps I moved to the side and stopped. I saw Noah's shoes as he came to stand in front of me. Deep breath. Rip it off. Like a bandaid.
"We need to break up." My voice didn't sound like my own.
There was silence. And then Noah laughed. I looked up at him, confused at the reaction. When he saw I wasn't kidding his laughter died down.
"You're... serious? What?" Now it was his turn to be confused.
Get it over with. Just get it over with, Sky.
"I know we weren't supposed to end this... relationship until Tuesday but I don't think there's a point in dragging it out. I think it's better if we just break up now. Easier." Nothing about this was easy.
"Wait, I'm lost, why would we break up? I wasn't planning on–" Noah reached out to take my hand in his and I pulled away as if he had burned me.
"You hurt Lily," I said, and wrapped my arms around myself. Wrong. Lily had never said she was hurt. "I thought you hurt Lily and I wanted to hurt you. I wanted to destroy you."
Noah was quiet for a while and then his voice was barely a whisper. "I'm sorry about Lily, I didn't know... But still I, I don't want to bre–"
The fact that he was apologizing... apologizing to me. It felt like a shard of ice that went through my heart. Another reminder that I didn't deserve to have this person in my life.
"Didn't you hear me?" I said, my whole body shaking. "I was using you. I wanted to hurt you. I wanted to find out your secrets and tell everyone. I wanted you ruined."
"Okay. Okay, but that was before." There was panic in his voice now. "Before you knew me. Before I knew you. Things are different now, everything has changed. I'm different. I'm in lo–"
"Nothing has changed!" I yelled, shaking my head and taking another step back. "You're still Noah Archer. You're the same guy I hated two weeks ago. This whole relationship was a stupid joke. It can never be anything else. I'm still the girl that wanted to ruin your life. It was like a dare, a bet I made to myself that I could hurt you. Nothing more."
I stared at him, biting down on the inside of my lip. Noah shook his head as he was trying to stop the words from reaching him.
"Skyler, why are you saying this?"
"Because it's the truth. Just deal with Noah. I was never who you thought I was," I said finally, and looked away from him. The taste of blood was on my tongue. The pain kept the tears away. I couldn't cry. Not now. Not yet.
"I see," Noah spoke after a while. Then he turned around and started walking away.
I let out a sigh, hoping I could finally relax. Break down. Then suddenly, he was walking back toward me, stopping just a few inches away.
"You know, I knew. This whole time I knew," he said and I looked up at him in shock. "Yeah. Knew all about your plan. Even saw that little notebook in your room with the failed plans and executions. I mean you left it open on your desk and my name was in bold letters, it was hard to miss."
I felt sick to my stomach. The thought he might have seen the notebook when he stopped by that day hadn't even crossed my mind.
"I thought it was funny, because as much as you claimed to want to mess with my life, you never actually did anything. And then I thought..." He let out a choked laugh, and ran his hands through his hair. "Well, I thought maybe you changed your mind when you got to know me. Things might've been a mess when they started but then it felt like it made sense. You and me. I thought that maybe you even felt the same way I–" He shook his head, taking steps back with his hands in the air.
"Jokes on me, right? Guess I was all wrong."
And with that, Noah Archer turned around and walked away.
Everything hurt. Everything hurt and at the same time, I felt numb.
Even as Melissa laid down into the bed next to me, wrapped her arms around me and held me. I felt numb. As the tears fell down my face and Melissa kept telling me everything was going to be okay. I felt numb. While the scene from earlier kept replaying in my head, on repeat, over and over. I felt numb. When I ran out of tears to cry, and could only stare into empty space. I felt numb.
Later that night, when we were both almost drifting off to sleep and even though she had kept quiet until that moment, Melissa finally spoke.
"I never thought you would actually break up with him."
"That was the plan from the start," I said. She knew that the best. This fake relationship came with an expiration date.
"I know. But I just never thought you'd actually go through with it," she said slowly, as if she was scared of my reaction. I was too exhausted to have one.
"Why wouldn't I?" I sighed, closing my tired eyes.
"Because you're in love with him."
My eyes shot open instantly and I turned to her with a frown. "I'm what?"
"Uh, you're in love with him?" Melissa replied in a way that implied I should know what she was talking about.
"I'm not in–" I started and then stopped.
Every single day I'd spent with Noah flashed through my mind. His voice. The sound of his laughter. That charming smile. The deep sadness he sometimes wore. His playful side. The way he always surprised me. How warm his hand felt when he held mine. The taste of his lips.
My heart sped up. Cheeks warmed. It felt like I had something stuck in my throat.
No. There was no way.
"I'm in love with him?" I asked, dazed and confused.
"Well... yeah?" Melissa mirrored my confusion.
How did I not realize this sooner? The fact that I was so excited but nervous when I was going to see him. Or that my heart sped up whenever he was close. Or that he somehow became the last person I thought about before going to bed and the first person on my mind as soon as I woke up.
I was stupid. I was so freaking stupid for not noticing.
"I'm in love with, Noah Archer."
For the first time, I said how I felt out loud and it felt right. It felt true. Oh sweet baby pandas, I was in love with him.
"Yeah, you are!" Melissa said, grinning.
I glared at her, sat up in bed, grabbed her by the shoulders and started shaking her. "Why would you not tell me that?"
"Jesus, girl, I thought you knew!" Melissa put her hands on the side of the face and kept me in place.
I took a deep breath. And then another.
"I didn't... I didn't know." I exhaled, losing all my strength and letting my body fall back on the bed.
"Well that's... not great." Melissa said after a moment of silence and laid down next to me. "Maybe it's not too late to tell him and–"
"No. It doesn't change anything. It's too late," I mumbled, energy depleted.
Even if it wasn't too late, it didn't change anything. It didn't change what I'd done. It didn't change the fact that I didn't deserve him.
In fact, it felt more like justice. A punishment for my actions. Instead of making Noah fall for me and breaking his heart, I'd fallen in love with him and broken my own.
Poetic justice really.
The sound of laughter filled the room. Manic. Irrational. It took me a while to recognize it as my own. After several minutes, the laughter had stopped, replaced with silent hiccups. I tasted salt on my lips again.
Melissa sighed, and wrapped her arms around me. This time I curled into her, sobbing into her shirt.
"You're a hot mess, girl." Melissa whispered.
Truer words had not been spoken.
Hi loveeee! ❤️
... and there we go. It had ended. I'm so sorry??? I mean I knew it was coming but I still feel awful.
I'm keeping this AU note short because I need to finish the next chapter -- THE LAST CHAPTER -- and it's already 1AM for me. I have 5 hours left. I can do this. You won't see this chapter until I finish and can post the last one as well but I'm still writing this as a little motivation to myself.
I'm so close to the finish line. It would literally pain me if I failed at this point. So I'VE GOT THIS.
And it's all thanks to your comments and votes and the fact that you're all even reading this book... I just have no words.
I can't get sappy now, so I'm saving it for the last chapter. For now, I'm just grateful you're all here.
Thank you! LET'S GOGOGO. ❤️