Tw: anxiety attack
Sirius and I get on the bus and ask them to take us to Potter Mansion.
The bus stops a couple times before we arrive at our destination. We thank the bus driver as we grab our trunks and get off.
We approach the front door and Sirius knocks.
I begin worrying for a moment, it's quite late, what if they're in bed?
But the door opens.
Mrs Potter greets us with a kind, albeit confused, smile.
"Hello you two," She says cheerfully. "Come on inside, you must be freezing."
"Thank you." I say quietly as we follow her inside.
She tells us just to leave out trunks in the hall and leads us into the living room where James and Mr Potter are sitting on the couch.
James' face lights up upon seeing us and rushes over, first pulling Sirius in for a hug and then me. I relax for a moment as he hugs me, James really gives great hugs, they always make me feel safe.
"What're you guys doing here?" He questions.
"It got bad again." I mumble quietly.
James looks at us both in concern, but doesn't question it any further.
"Well, c'mon, we'll head upstairs." He says.
I smile slightly as James leads the way to his room. Sirius and I grab out trunks on the way and just dump them at the side of James' room.
We all sit down on James' bed.
"Do you want to talk about what happened?"
"Not really." Sirius mumbles.
"That's fine, I didn't really expect you," James says. "Oh, I just remembered something."
He stands up suddenly and walks over to his trunk. He takes out a couple of items and throws them to us.
"I bought you guys Christmas gifts," He explains, sitting back down. "I totally forgot to give you them before we left, and I didn't want to send them to you because, well, your mum is a bitch."
"Agreed," I say as I unwrap the gift. It's a hoodie. I absolutely love it. "Thank you so much, it's amazing, but you really didn't have to."
"Shut up and just accept it." James responds.
I chuckle lightly. "Fine."
We then spend the next few hours talking and joking around. It's really nice. I've missed feeling joy.
~*𓃦*~
I smile to myself as we head back to platform nine and three quarters. The past week has gone by quickly and now we're heading back to Hogwarts.
My eyes scan the crowd worriedly, not wanting to see mum. I know she'll be here dropping off Regulus. I know she'll go crazy if she sees us. Merlin, I am not looking forward to the summer.
As I'm looking around, I get distracted by the sight of Remus. Our eyes meet from across the platform. I see him say something to his parents before quickly walking over to me.
"Hey," He greets me happily, chuckling when I wrap my arms around him. "How was your holidays?"
"Total crap," I answer, releasing him from the hug. "How was yours?"
"It was okay," He shrugs. "Full moon made life hellish, but other than that it was great."
"That's good," I smile. "I mean, not the full moon stuff, that sucks, but that-"
He chuckles slightly and I realise I had begun rambling.
"Oh shush." I lightly punch his arm.
Suddenly James, Sirius and Peter - who must've just arrived - come over, also hugging Remus.
After this we head on the train, James, Peter and Remus saying goodbye to their parents before we do.
I sit down in my usual seat by the window, looking out at the station, still crowded with people. There's still a bit of time before the train departs, so I guess some people are still saying goodbye to their parents.
Some time goes by, the train's final warning whistle blows.
The boys all talk about their holidays - Sirius obviously leaving out what happened when we were at home - but my eyes meet mum's as she stands on the platform.
She looks angry. She says something, but I cant make it out.
I quickly look away. Sirius looks at me in concern but I just shake my head.
The train begins moving.
Anxiety washes over me.
We're going to have to go back in the summer. This is going to be awful. I cant. I cant do it.
I quickly get out of my seat and exit the compartment.
I walk swiftly to the nearest bathroom. I lock myself in as I try to calm myself.
I flinch when there's a knock.
"Y/n? Are you alright?" I hear Sirius ask.
"I'm fine." I lie.
"You sound like you're crying. What's wrong?"
"Nothing. Go away."
"Y/n-"
"Sirius, please just leave me alone." I snap frustratedly.
I hear him sigh.
I then hear another voice coming from the other side of the door, but I cant hear what they're saying. I then hear the sound of footsteps walking away.
"Y/n?" I hear Remus say softly. "Are you okay?"
I don't answer. I cant answer. I just cry.
"Please open the door," He says. "I brought chocolate. I know it's not much but I just thought it might cheer you up a bit."
My heart swells at this. I silently open the door, walk out the bathroom, and wrap my arms around Remus. He's shocked for a moment but quickly hugs me back, wrapping his arms tightly around me as I rest my head on his chest.
"Are you okay?" He asks softly.
"Not really." I mumble.
"Well, there's an empty compartment here, apparently people don't want to sit right beside the bathroom," He says. "Unless you want to go back and be with everyone, me and you could just hang out in there for a while."
"That sounds nice." I say, lifting my head from his chest.
We head to the empty compartment, Remus handing me a bar of chocolate once we're sat down across from each other.
"Anxiety attack?" He questions.
"Yep." I mumble, taking a bite of chocolate.
"Was there maybe anything that triggered it?" He asks before quickly adding: "You don't need to answer that. I- I'm not thinking."
"No, it's okay," I say. "I saw my mum at the station. I guess I was just in my head about going home this summer. We weren't supposed to go to James', so she'll be pissed about that."
"That sucks," He responds. "Is there maybe anywhere else you and Sirius could go? I'm sure the Potters' wouldn't mind you staying at theirs for the whole holiday, or you could come to mine, I'm sure-"
"We cant leave Regulus alone there," I say, cutting him off. "I'm scared that if we're not there she'll take her anger out on him."
Remus goes silent for a moment, clearly not knowing what to say.
"I really wish there was something I could do to help. Your whole situation is terrible."
I shrug. "It could be worse."
"It doesn't matter if it could be worse," Remus says. "It's still awful. You don't deserve to be going through this."
I don't respond.
Remus must sense I no longer want to talk about it and changes the subject.
"So, read anything interesting lately?" He asks.
We talk for a while, just about anything. It manages to take my mind off things, even if it's only for a little while.
Soon, we return to the compartment with James, Sirius and Peter, sitting back down.
James manages to carry on with the conversation, including me and Remus as if we were here the whole time and I'm thankful for this.
Sirius lightly kicks my foot.
"Are you okay?" He whispers.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I respond. "Sorry for snapping at you. I know that you were just worried about me."
He smiles slightly before that smile turns into a mischievous smirk and he throws a chocolate frog, still in the box, at my head.
I glare at him, but I am thankful for even more chocolate, so I cant complain.
The rest of the train ride is relaxed - or as relaxed as it can be with James and Sirius being noisy and annoying - and we soon arrive at Hogwarts.
The carriages take us back to the school.
Home at last.
We have dinner and then everyone heads back to their common rooms.
I 'abandon' the boys and go catch up with Lily, Alice and Marlene.
It's nice to just ignore my worries for a while as I hang out with the girls, talking and laughing and the most random of things.
I've really missed this place.
~*𓃦*~
The next couple weeks are boring and uneventful, and obviously that is completely unacceptable and must be fixed immediately with a prank.
The guys and I talk about potential ideas over breakfast. Owls fly in, delivering the mail.
The only one of the five of us to get a letter is Remus, so we continue plotting as he reads over it.
I notice a frown appear on Remus' face and grow concerned.
"What's wrong?" I whisper, lightly kicking his leg under the table to get his attention.
"Nothing," He mumbles, shoving the letter into his bag. I frown slightly but don't push it. For now. I'll annoy him into talking later, there's no time right now, we need to get to class.
Classes all day are boring as hell, we do nothing fun, but all day I notice that Remus is clearly distracted by something. Something is clearly wrong and it's worrying me.
Once classes are finally over, Remus heads straight to his dorm, muttering something about a headache.
I follow after him, but hesitate at the door. He doesn't seem to want to talk about what's bothering him, and he clearly wants to be alone. Maybe I shouldn't be doing this. Eh, who am I kidding, I do stuff I shouldn't all the time, why would I change now?
I sigh before pushing open the door and walking in.
He's lying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling.
"Are you okay?" I ask.
"I don't know," He responds, his gaze still not moving.
I go lay down beside him and he looks at me in confusion.
"What are you doing?" He asks.
"Staring at the ceiling with you."
He laughs slightly.
"You don't need to."
"Yes, I do," I say. "You're clearly upset about something, so I don't want you to be alone and just laying here thinking about it."
"I'm not upset," He says. "I- I honestly don't know what I'm feeling right now."
"That's fair, emotions are dumb and confusing. Do you want to talk about it?"
He just shrugs.
"Okay, look, I suggest you just talk about it because we both know I'm just going to stay here and annoy you until you finally give in and just tell me what's wrong."
"Fine." He says, a small smile appears on his face for just a second before disappearing. He sits up and I do the same. "My parents are getting a divorce."
"Ah, yeah, that sucks."
"Eh, not really. My dad's kinda of a dick. I mean, he's definitely not as terrible of a person as your mum is, but he still sucks."
"So, that's why you don't really know what you're feeling right now."
"Yep." He nods. "It's just I think I'm supposed to be upset, but I'm not. I don't really care to be honest."
"Well that's totally okay," I say. "There's no right or wrong way to react to something like this. Like I'm sure if my parents got divorced I'd be happy about it."
"That's because your parents are related and it's gross," He points out and I nod. "Can I ask you something?"
"Of course."
"Do you ever feel guilty for hating your parents?"
"Not really," I answer. "But that's because they've never been good people and I shouldn't feel guilt just because they don't know how to parent. Why?"
"I don't know, I just- I just feel like I shouldn't hate my dad. I mean, he's never really done anything to me that justifies me hating him."
"Isn't he the reason you're a werewolf?"
"Well, yeah, but-" He stops talking and stares off into space.
"It's totally okay to hate him for being the reason you go through hell every month."
"That's not even fully why I hate him," He says. "It's mostly the way he's acted about it all. For my entire childhood he pretty much hid me away from the world, I guess in his mind he thought he was protecting me, which he kinda was, any time I went outside people would gawk at me or yell things, but it still sucked, because of him I didn't have a proper childhood. And you'd think that after years of dealing with this he'd just accept what I am, but every time I'm home he cant even look at me. It's like he's ashamed of me. Which makes total sense, because who wouldn't be ashamed to have a monster for a son."
I suddenly wrap my arms around him, shocking him slightly.
"Stop calling yourself a monster," I say softly. He lets out a shaky sigh before tightly hugging me back. "You are not a monster. And if your dad is ashamed of you, then he's an absolute idiot. You are an amazing person."
"Thanks Y/n," He says quietly, pulling away from the hug. "And I'm sorry."
"What for?" I ask.
"Ranting to you." He shrugs.
"You don't need to apologise," I say. "You're allowed to talk about your problems with me, that's what friends are for."
"I know, I just feel bad when I do. Especially because you have a much worse home life."
"That doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to complain about yours."
"No, it's stupid. Its like complaining that you stubbed your toe to someone who has a broken leg."
"Both injuries are totally valid though!" I exclaim.
"Doesn't stop it from being stupid."
"You're stupid."
He looks at me in offence for a moment before just laughing.
"Alright, fine, you win," He says. "I'll stop apologising for talking about my problems."
"Good." I nod. "And if you ever do again, I'll stab you with a fork."
"Okay," He says, chuckling softly.