I once read an anonymous quote that grief is like an earthquake. After the initial quake, you roll up your sleeves and start trying to put your world back together...but then the aftershocks come and undo all your work. The thing with aftershocks is, you never know when they're going to hit.
Seeing Mary-Lou Dawn was my aftershock today. The horrible things she said to me and the very sight of her made my stomach churn, and churn in such a way that I knew I was going to throw up. Refusing to let her see that, to let her know that seeing her in such close proximity to Quest again bothered me so much that I was about to lose my lunch, I got up and hurried out the back door of the diner.
Where I proceeded to get sick until there was nothing left inside me, nothing left to lose.
And wasn't that the story of my life lately? I had nothing left to lose. Nothing.
I'd canceled our home loan that first day back to work after I'd seen Quest. My boss nodded in understanding and told me quietly, in his gentle way, that he'd take care of it. He patted my shoulder and went to his office. Ed was probably the best boss in the world, and he'd been preparing me to take over his family's bank when he retired in two years. Ed and his wife had never had children, so there were no more Andovers to take the reins at Andover Savings and Loan. It was probably why he was putting off retiring until he was seventy.
When Quest had come in to cancel his business loan, Ed had practically met him at the doors and informed him that the home loan had been canceled and he had the paperwork ready to cancel the business loan as well. Ed had told him he would no longer be doing business with him and he'd need to find another bank to work with.
He wouldn't even allow Quest into his office. He made him sign the forms right there, and then Ed asked him to close all of his business accounts and find another place to do his banking. I was peeking out of my office and I saw Quest hang his head and nod. Then Merilee closed his accounts and handed him a cashier's check, all under Ed's watchful eye.
He nodded to Ed after he got the check from Merilee. "I understand why you're doing this and I don't blame you. I'm sorry, Ed. Take care."
My heart ached at the slump in his shoulders as he walked out the doors, and then I got mad at myself for feeling any sympathy toward the man who cheated on me and blew up our lives. He'd been banned from my life, banned from the diner and now banned from the bank. All for the town bicycle.
Taking a few deep breaths, I cut myself some slack for still having feelings for the man. He'd been hard wired into my life since I was sixteen years old. Learning not to love someone wasn't going to happen overnight, not after all these years, not as deep as our love had been. Had been. Past tense seemed to surround me lately, the present was a painful mess and I couldn't even think of the future.
My life consisted of going to work and coming home to sit in the corner of the couch and stare at whatever was on the TV. Right now, my mind couldn't process anything other than the fact that my life as I had known it was over. The bigger questions of what my life was going to be like going forward and what I would be like without Quest I couldn't even think about.
I don't think I'd even smiled since I'd packed up my clothes and left our house.
The best I could muster when Chelle and Stasia had tracked me down after the scene in the diner was a halfhearted smile.
They'd stormed into my house, high on adrenaline, and my mom took one look at them and went to get the first-aid kit. They plopped themselves on the coffee table across from where I sat on the couch.
Chelle started. "She was running for her car since she knew we were behind her. But four-inch heels slowed her down. Just as she got to her car, she fumbled her keys and Stasia was on her. She smacked her across the mouth and told her to keep her, ummm..." -- she looked up at my mom returning with the first aid kit and some hand wipes -- "...dirty mouth shut about you."
"I told her to never speak to you again, that from here on out, she was not to acknowledge your existence or even look in your direction or we'd wipe the floor with her," Stasia interjected as my mom wiped her knuckles clean.
Chelle returned to her story. "So she and Stasia got into it. Like, the best cat fight I've seen since high school. Punching, scratching, hair pulling, screaming. Did you know that Mary-Lou had hair extensions? Stasia snatched her bald practically. I think I'm going to ask Gran to macrame them into a plant hanger and mail it to her."
Mom handed Stasia the tube of ointment to put on her knuckles, then turned her attention to Chelle's knees, which were scraped up.
"So, after I finished with her, she and Chelle got into a pushing and shoving match, which Chelle won by the way, and when Mary-Lou fell on her...butt, Chelle jumped on top of her chest right there in the parking lot -- that's how her knees got scraped up -- and smacked the...heck out of her."
"Well, she was crying like the little b -- witch that she is by the time I finished with her," Chelle said, "and I told her I'd keep smacking her until she promised to keep her mouth shut about you and never say anything to you again. So she promised, and while she was crying on the ground, Stasia and I might or might not have keyed her car with some, um, adjectives and nouns and then we maybe kicked out her taillights."
My mom merely nodded at them and then went to get us some snacks and drinks.
The next four months passed slowly. I neither saw Quest nor heard about him, everyone having tacitly agreed that his name was not to be mentioned around me. I did, however, see his truck. Every night I would wake up at around two a.m. and peek out my window blinds. He was parked on the side of the road, outside Daddy's fence line. I remember when Quest had helped Ben and Daddy put that fence in. Quest was in charge of the post-hole digging and just like I was doing now, I'd watch from my bedroom and marvel at his shirtless body, his muscles straining with his efforts. He was beautiful to watch.
Quest's truck was always gone before six a.m. But somehow, knowing he was out there every night...it eased something in me. And then I'd get mad at myself all over again for feeling that way. I knew you were supposed to hate someone who hurt you the way Quest had hurt me, but I wasn't there yet.
Mama and Daddy watched me with worried eyes. I ate enough to survive, but had no real appetite no matter what my mom made, and my mom could cook. I refused to go out with my friends or my colleagues at the bank. It was all I could do to make it through the work day and I was constantly watching the clock, counting down the minutes until I could go home and sit on my couch. Since I wouldn't go out, Stasia and Chelle would come over and talk to me, trying to act as normally as possible around a heartbroken zombie. Trying to interest me in anything.
My mom came and sat beside me on the couch one Friday and put her hand over mine. "Tillie, the hardest thing about being a parent is when you see your child hurting and you can't do anything for them," she said. "I've kept hoping you'd rally, but sweetheart, you're not. I think you need to see someone --"
"I have a date tomorrow," I blurted out. It was true. Stasia and Chelle had been after me since that first week Quest had cheated on me, urging me to go out and get under someone else to get over things. Since they weren't saying his name.
After four months, they'd finally worn me down to at least go on a date since I wasn't even close to ready for anything more. A guy we'd gone to high school with, Brad Cramer, had moved back to town recently, and they told me he was very interested in going on a date with me. So I'd agreed they could give him my number. He'd called me right away and we'd made plans after catching up on the years since high school. Brad had been the star quarterback for our high school team, and he'd always been nice to me, but I remembered that Quest had never liked him and would never explain why.
Mom looked at me for a minute after my surprising announcement, and then nodded her head.
Saturday night, Brad picked me up at my parents' house, talked to them for a minute, then we left. He was about six feet tall, and had a slender, athletic build. His blondish-brown hair was short and his smile was just as nice as it had been in high school.
We ate dinner at a local steak restaurant, and I was surprised the conversation was so easy. After the first hour, I really relaxed into the evening and found myself laughing, something I hadn't done in four months. He was funny and charming, and he filled me in on his college years and the two years since he'd graduated.
After dinner, he asked if I wanted to drive to the river and talk there. I hesitated a minute and then agreed. He drove us the fifteen minutes to the river park , and since no one was in the parking lot at this hour, Brad parked parallel to the river, pointed toward the road.
We talked for a few minutes and then Brad pushed my hair off my shoulder.
"I've been thinking about kissing you all night," he confessed. "You were always a beautiful girl and now you're a beautiful woman, Tillie."
"Thank you," I said, thinking about what he'd confessed. I was a twenty-four year-old-woman and I'd only ever kissed my husband. I guess tonight was a night of new firsts: for the first time, I'd been on a date with a man who wasn't my husband. And now, for the first time, I was about to kiss a man who wasn't my husband.
I leaned toward him, and that's all the invitation he needed. He cupped my face with his hand -- but it wasn't the huge hand I was used to -- and his thumb -- his smooth thumb, not the calloused one I was used to -- rubbed my cheek for a moment before his mouth moved over mine. His lips that were totally unfamiliar, but still nice. He was taking it slowly, and I appreciated it.
We kissed and kissed, and after a bit, he deepened the kiss, which I allowed. But every time his hands tried to stray from my waist or my head, I put them back in place. Anything more than kissing, I just wasn't ready for. If I was being completely honest, I wasn't even sure I was ready for kissing. And that angered me.
Just going out tonight and letting another man kiss me was a huge leap for me. It wasn't comfortable, but it wasn't totally uncomfortable, either. It was different, though. After about twenty minutes, I pulled back and looked at Brad.
"That was nice," I said with a small smile, "but I think it's time to go home now."
"It was better than nice," Brad teased me. Since the windows were a bit steamy, Brad rolled down our windows to clear them.
And there, opposite Brad's car, was Quest, sitting in his truck, the windows rolled down, his eyes fixed on us. Surprisingly, he didn't look angry. My husband looked somehow gutted and resigned at the same time.
Brad looked back at me, smirked, and then turned back to the man who had broken my heart. Then, oddly, Brad popped his forefinger and middle finger into his mouth while looking at Quest then pulled them out slowly.
"Mmm, mmm good," he called to Quest. "Your wife's pussy is delicious. I can see why you aren't happy at the thought of giving it up. It's finger-licking good."
Quest was out of his truck in a flash and charging toward Brad, who quickly started the car and took off, right before Quest got to him.