VIVIAN
"Stop pouting," Laura rolled her eyes, "I didn't tell you because you had a lot on your plate." She grimaced at her soda, especially because Beth and I were drinking mojito. Well, I was, Beth left hers on the table to go dance with a cute brunette. I sincerely hope it'll be just dancing, because even though they've hit a rough patch, she still has a girlfriend. Jen is currently out of town, which probably means they're taking a break, but it still would be cheating.
"Well, I'm apologizing regardless," I grinned at Laura, and when she scoffed, I just gave her a side hug, careful not to spill her soda nor hit her belly.
She patted my hand that was on her shoulder. "It's alright," she sighed, "the situation with ..." she waved her free hand in dismissal, "you know who ... it's rough per se. You really deserve a break from everything and everyone."
"Yeah, but I shouldn't have neglected you." I placed a wet kiss on her cheek, which caused her to lightly giggle. "You were panicking because of the wedding, and now the pregnancy ... I left you alone to fend for yourself and I'm sorry."
"Viv ..." Laura smiled, "I'm not mad, really." She pursed her lips. "I did miss you, though." We both grinned, especially when I kissed her cheek again.
At least I saved one friendship. The other one may be shattered beyond repair. I haven't even heard from Chris since that night. Not that I want to, but since he's in the wrong, I'd have expected him to at least try to reach out. But maybe it was really all in my imagination.
At the same time, however, it's better if we really stay away from each other for a while. Right now, the only thing that passes hurt is anger, and I don't want resentment to mount to a point where I can't forgive him anymore. After 20 years, I want to try and save the savable, but I cannot do that until I feel like this. The months in London will certainly help.
"For the record," Laura said after having dejectedly finished her soda, "I told Nick that the bastard is banned from our apartment."
"Lala ..."
"No, don't." She held up a finger, turning her whole body to me. The bump on her belly was beginning to be noticeable, but she's only two months pregnant. "Don't even try to defend him. What he did was despicable, so horrible that I can't even find the words to describe it." She huffed. "I should have known he was such a toxic bitch."
"Lala, come on ... you guys are friends, too."
"No." She repeated the statement with her index finger. "You are my friend, he was an accessory I was forced to endure."
"I don't believe that." I rolled my eyes. "You might be mad now, but you guys are friends. I hope you can find a way to forgive him." This is one of the things I worried about these past few days. I didn't even want to say anything to anyone, but in the end, I had to. Be it only because I couldn't keep on ignoring my friends, and Chris probably talked to Nick and Shane anyway. I really don't want our group to split up because of this.
"Forgive him?" Laura gasped. "Are you crazy?" She raised her hand to call the bartender again. "I will never forgive him for what he did to you. Never." She gritted her teeth. "I already told Nick he better find another best man, because sure as hell I don't want that bastard at my wedding."
I sighed. "Lala, come on ... you know Nick and Chris are close, you can't just forbid them to see each other."
"I don't." She chugged down another soda like it was the most alcoholic drink ever, which made me think she's going to be a quite difficult pregnant lady. "Nicky can hang out with him all he wants, but not when I'm around." Laura claimed. "And he's not coming to the wedding, period."
"You don't even know when is the wedding," I pointed out, "by then we might be ..." I trailed off, unsure what to say.
Laura sent me such a freezing glare that I recoiled. "You don't intend to crawl back to him, do you?!" She almost yelled, her tone accusing and furious. Maybe the pregnancy hormones multiplied her emotions, but I should have predicted she would be this mad upon hearing what happened between me and Chris. In the end, she had sort of seen it coming, with her claiming how Chris had been taking advantage of the situation to have me all for himself.
My cheeks flushed when I noticed that a few heads in the bar had turned around to look at us. "I'm not going to crawl back to him," I grimaced at her choice of words, "but after 20 years, I can't just walk away and never turn back."
"Even though half of those 20 years were paved in lies?"
"Ouch." I brought a hand to my heart, trying to lighten up the mood. "That was a low blow."
She rolled her eyes. "You know I say it how it is," she reminded me, "and the way I see it, you should be thankful it ended like this."
"How can I be thankful? Twenty years of friendship down the drain like this," I felt tears prickle behind my eyes at the sole idea, "and just because he manipulated me like that, doesn't mean my heart simply stopped loving him." I wish people would understand this. There isn't a switch, it's not like turning a light on and off. Just because I'm mad at him, just because anger is gnawing at me, doesn't mean I don't love him anymore. I wish it were that simple as just switching all my feelings off.
"Oh, Viv ..." Laura sighed, rubbing my shoulder, "I didn't mean to be so harsh, I'm sorry."
I shook my head, trying to hold back tears, but it was difficult. I've been trying not to cry at all, but without success. I may not cry a lot, because I've often been with Sebastian these past few days, but when he's not around my thoughts inevitably tangle up and I end up crying myself to sleep. I haven't even returned home yet, when I don't sleep with Sebastian, I just crash on Beth's couch, and that's how I came to know about her troubles with Jen.
Needless to say, that was another friendship I had neglected, but just like Laura, Beth didn't want my apologies. She just said she's glad I've got a hunk taking my mind off of everything – yes, she accidentally met Sebastian when he came to pick me up at her place the other night. Beth is pragmatic like that.
Speak of the devil ... "What's going on here?" Beth asked when she reached us, placing a hand on my shoulders. "Viv?"
"I'm fine." I wiped away my tears with my hand.
"Girls, I love you, but I can't handle both of you crying in the middle of a bar." Beth sighed, which had me frown, and when I looked up, I noticed Laura was sobbing, too.
"Lala ..." I murmured, reaching for her hand to squeeze it.
"Ugh, I know, I know ..." she grabbed a tissue from her purse, and handed me one, too, "these stupid pregnancy hormones. I can't see people cry, it triggers my own water works."
I tried to force myself to stop my tears, but it was like one of those chains that once set in motion inexorably go on until there's nothing left. Beth stood between us, one hand rubbing my back, the other rubbing Laura's, while we held hands. It was appreciated, because I know Beth gets uncomfortable when people cry.
"Are they okay?" The brunette she had been dancing with wondered, sending us pitiful looks.
"Pregnancy hormones." Beth explained laconically.
"I'm not pregnant." I pointed out, sending my friend a death stare that was meant to remind her she has a girlfriend. I thought it was supposed to be just a dance, why did she bring her back to our table?
"Are you sure, hun?" The brunette sneered.
I rolled my eyes, grabbing a tissue to wipe away my tears. "Beth, when is Jen coming back?" I wondered, since, clearly, my friend had forgotten to mention her at all.
"Who's Jen?" The brunette immediately asked, her tone jealous.
"Uh ..."
I stood up, wanting to leave the place as soon as possible. "Jen is her girlfriend." I hinted at Beth, who predictably sent me a dirty look. Laura was distracted, seemingly busy with her phone, probably texting Nick.
"You have a girlfriend?" The brunette asked, pulling back from my friend.
"It's complicated." Beth justified, which had me roll my eyes. The one thing I hate the most about her and Shane is their inability to stick to someone long term. I thought Jen would be it, they've been together almost a year, but maybe that's exactly it, Beth started feeling restless. Laura and I had been wondering when would that happen, and it eventually did.
I don't know why I took it so bad, as if it were an insult to me personally, but the fact that Beth seemed willing to just forget about Jen and all they shared really angered me. So much that I simply decided to leave the bar. "I'm going home."
"You can't." Beth sighed, grabbing my arm when I went to leave. "I drove you here," she pointed out, "and let's not forget I have your keys."
"Well, Laura take me home." I turned to my other friend. "Or to a hotel, I don't know."
"Viv, come on ..." Beth sighed.
"I can't believe you would just throw away everything you have with Jen." I hissed, getting extra mad without a clear idea as to why. "You've been together a year now, and you're running away at the first problem! You're seriously gonna pick this lame chick over here instead of Jen!" I was getting hysterical. "What is wrong with you!" Yep, by now I was full on crying and literally making a scene, people looking at me like I was crazy. Even Laura was baffled.
Huffing, I stomped my way out of the bar, mad at Beth for cheating on Jen, and at myself because I didn't even know what was happening, why was I getting so worked up about a relationship I'm not involved in. Hell, I haven't even known Jen that long, yet I'm here fighting tooth and nail for her.
Sighing, I sat down on the sidewalk. Many thoughts have crossed my mind over the past few days, and a lot, obviously, were centered on Chris. Why did he do what he did, how could I not notice, why did I stubbornly believe Laura was wrong, he wasn't manipulating me. How could he go on ten long years like that? Who would do that? I wouldn't do it to my worst enemy, imagine to the person that means the most to me. I just cannot wrap my head around his motives. Not wanting things to change between us feels really feeble for an explanation.
And yes, I was wrong for not confessing either, but it's really not the same. Holding back your feelings, repressing them, isn't at all the same as willingly and knowingly manipulating someone, using their own love for you to your advantage. Because, in the end, that's what Chris did.
Aside from the fact that he kept throwing into my face all his relationships, even asking me for help, there's the part where he subtly bosses me around, using my weakness, namely him, to get whatever he wanted, be it something as simple as watching his favorite movie or talking me out of dates. Laura always warned me, always told me he was manipulating me, she even went as far as using the word gaslighting. I never wanted to believe her, yet here we are, she was right, I was blind.
I keep trying to think that there's at least something to save, I cannot simply give up on 20 years of friendship just like that. But right now I really cannot find a single reason as to why I shouldn't.
As if that weren't enough, lately I thought a lot about Sebastian. Why am I even doing this, how can I lead him on like this when I know full well that my heart isn't gonna stop calling out for Chris? And why is he even staying despite everything? Between the fact that my heart is taken and the fact that I'm leaving for London soon, he should have run for the hills already, yet he's staying, even talking about how he might visit me in London.
I feel like a ticking bomb lately, anything can set me off and bring destruction onto whatever and whoever is around me. My emotions are all over the place, I don't even really follow a routine anymore, since I don't have a job at the moment and there's nothing else that needs to be done before leaving for London. I'm pretty much in between, stuck in a limbo, and normally I would simply enjoy this small vacation, but I just can't. My mind keeps rolling back to the same topics over and over again. I feel like I'm going insane.
The fact that I can divide the people in my life in two categories doesn't help. There are the people that know about me and Chris, like our friends, who consequently try to avoid the topic at the best of their abilities but that are inevitably affected by it. And there are the people that don't know, like my parents, who keep asking me how is Chris, where is he, how come they haven't talked to him in a while.
The third side of it is Adam. The poor guy is trapped. He can't side with me against his brother, but he also doesn't want to side with his brother against me. We pretty much grew up together, I'm basically a younger sister to him. Of course, he wouldn't just abandon me. And I feel bad because, based on what he says, the problems between me and Chris are also straining the relationship between them, to the point that I gave Adam a copy of my keys, so that he can stay at my place for now and probably while I'm in London.
It's a lot to take altogether and I don't know for long I can still put on a façade not to worry the people around me. I realized I was crying on the sidewalk only when I saw a tissue being offered to me. "Thanks." I sniffled.
"That was really rude," Beth huffed, yet sat beside me. "You know Jen and I are on a break."
"That's what Ross said, then he cheated, and Rachel couldn't forgive him." I pointed out among sobs.
My friend scoffed. "Don't compare us to one of the most toxic relationships in TV history."
I kind of chuckled, then smiled when Beth wrapped an arm around me. "I'm sorry, I feel odd lately." I admitted, leaving my head on her shoulder. "But please, Beth, please ... don't give up on something worth living just because you're scared." Cue the tears falling again. "Don't make my same mistake."
"You didn't, Viv." She rubbed my back soothingly, the way she's done a lot the times she caught me crying on her sofa this past week. "It's his loss, not yours."
"You only say that because you're my friend." I half giggled, alcohol finally getting to me the moment all the tension and stress were subsided as I relaxed a little thanks to Beth.
"I'm his friend, too." She reminded me. "Chris is the brother I never had, you know that. But he did you wrong, really wrong."
"I could have confessed a lot sooner."
"And would that change anything? He still fooled you for ten years. In your shoes, I'd have whooped his ass."
I giggled a bit louder, snuggling a bit closer into her arms. "Thanks, I needed that."
"How nice of you, leaving the pregnant one alone in a bar full of strangers," Laura scoffed from behind us.
Beth spread her right arm, to welcome her to join us. "Come here." She sighed. "You two are gonna be the death of me someday."
I laughed and Laura did the same as she sat down with us, joining in on our weird hug. Beth slid an arm around her, too, and she rubbed our backs soothingly as we left out heads on her shoulder. This is a big part of our friendship, Beth is the most rational one among us, she's often had to comfort us, deal with our ugly crying, especially during our periods – because both Laura and I get really, really overemotional during that week of the month.
"For the record," Laura claimed, always with her sharp mouth, "Viv was right, that chick was really lame. Fawning all over you." She made a barfing noise. "I don't know how you thought she could replace Jen."
"The point wasn't replacing," Beth laughed, "it was more about ... a placebo."
I slapped her arm, half jokingly, half mad. "So, you would have really slept with her! How could you! Jen is perfect for you!"
"Well, she doesn't agree," Beth sighed, for the first time downcast. She pursed her lips. "I may have ... understated our break."
"No ..."
"Yes." She pulled her arm from Laura's waist just to rake a hand over her face. "Jen broke up with me. For good."
"Why!" I cried, not believing it.
The look on Beth's face seemed odd, as if there were something she wanted to say, yet she didn't know how. "It doesn't matter," she said in the end, shaking her head with a forced smile, "the fact is, I'm single, and you just cost me my best chance at not sleeping alone." She reprimanded jokingly, booping my nose, which had me giggle like crazy.
"I can sleep with you." I blurted out without thinking, then blushed. "I mean ... I can be your cuddle buddy. I'm not used to sleeping alone anyway."
"Don't we know it." Laura scoffed, receiving a light pinch from Beth in return.
The latter one kissed my hair affectionately. "You're such a sweet drunk, Viv." She joked.
"I'm not drunk." I furrowed my brows.
"Said the woman that literally just told a lesbian she wants to sleep together." Laura laughed.
"I didn't mean it that way," I blushed, feeling embarrassed but also dizzy. Maybe I drank more than I thought I did. Still, it was nice to know that, no matter what, I'll always have these girls with me, that they'll always have my back, no matter what. It's not enough, but it's a start.
✨✨
I woke up with a gigantic migraine, like a jackhammer drilling my head. I barely knew where I was. Looking around, I noticed two things: I was on a bed, there was a body next to me. For a moment, I immediately thought of Chris, kind of hoping that what happened was just a nightmare and we were back to our old habits. But I shrugged it off soon.
Then I smiled, thinking it was Sebastian. He did say he might come over after his night shift. Instinctively, I spooned him, but the body I felt, albeit slim like his, had nothing of the same muscles. I frowned, confused.
The person grumbled a bit in their sleep, and turned their whole body to me. When the sunlight seeping through the blinders illuminated the face, I nearly gasped out loud. I pulled back immediately, shocked, because it seemed she was naked and I was, too. That cannot be. I didn't, I couldn't ...
"Ugh, I'm way too hungover for these noises in the morning," Beth grumbled, covering her head with a pillow, "go back to sleep."
And how could I? This is worse than anything I could have possibly done. Did I seriously hook up with Beth last night?