The day Ron told him that Deruth had called for him , Cale was ecstatic.
He was so overjoyed and excited that he pretty much fell off his bed in his haste to finally!
finally!
See his father again .
Cale stood at the door for a few minutes, fidgeting nervously. He hadn't seen his father in more than a year .
What should he do ?
Hug his father ?
Be a little more formal to show he is a mature kid ?
Ughhhh !!!!
This was so confusing!
Cale decided to just go in and roll with the ball .
He simply just went in without knocking or announcing himself.
He was afraid to be rejected again .
His eyes widened when he heard a muffled chuckle coming from inside the room .
His father was laughing!
Cale rushed right in.
" I am here father!"
Only to stop in his tracks at the sight of a woman and a toddler that looked around 4? 5? Years old .
He ignored the sharp , sharp pain in his heart when his previously laughing father abruptly stopped and yet again flinched at the sight of him .
"Cale? What are you doing here? " Father was confused .
'What do you mean? what am i doing here ? '
It hurt.
"You called for me father. "
After more than an year was left unsaid .
Cale used to think nothing can hurt more than the flinching.
He was wrong .
His father's genuine confusion at his presence hurt more .
It was that easy for father to forget his existence. That did hurt more . Yet , it wasn't the most hurtful thing in store for him today for his father spoke.
and simultaneously broke him.
" I did? " He was genuinely confused huh? Forgot so easily about Cale.
"Oh yes! I wanted to introduce you to someone. "
Dimly cale thought it was probably the woman and the kid . His father looks nervous but he decides to go through with the introductions anyway.
" This is lady violan , my fiancee and your soon to be stepmother. " he said while smiling at the woman .
Then his father picked up the toddler who squealed in joy making father smile sweetly.
Not the strained smile he was given when he first came in
A genuine smile.
"And this here is basen , your soon be brother " his father then grew serious .
" Cale , what do you think about this marriage? " his father looked at him with something akin to concern.
Concern for what ? His reaction? Shouldn't he have thought about it before he started courting her ? Why ask now ? When he had made it abundantly clear Cale's opinion didn't really matter?
He introduced her as fiancee, this wasn't about his opinion at all ...
What?
Did he think cale would be angry?
That he would begrudge his father- when did he start referring to him as father and not dad?
-his happiness?
Really?
No wonder mom called him stupid. He really is stupid.
Good luck lady violan , you are marrying a stupid man!
He buried all his hurt because of the same reason he was hurt .
His father smiled a real smile , he was happy . He had a new family one that cale wasn't a part of . So he smiled too, just like father did to him.
FAKE .
It was a bright smile because he was genuinely happy for his father, as long as father was happy, everything was fine.
"Congratulations, lady violan and father!"
"Welcome to the family basen , I am your hyung-nim cale. It's nice to meet you both."
Even though you popped out of no where .
After all since they are his father's family , they were his too even though he didn't fit in , he would try to love them .
" Treat them well father. "
Unlike me .
Don't ignore them like u did with me .
" I have a class now , I shall take my leave."
He left then without seeing the relived look in violan's eyes , or the sparkles in basen's shy ones.
Violan had been worried of his reaction after she found out deruth never told his son about them . She had been furious with him and demanded to meet the child .
Children needed to atleast bond with their new step parent a little before marriage to make a family stable . She already did that with basen and was highly disappointed in deruth.
Luckily it looked like her new son was fine with them , she quite liked the enthusiastic and confident child .
Basen was just happy to have a hyung .
" Sure cale."
But cale had already left.
He didn't see the soft fondness and guilt in his father's eyes or heard the longing in his voice.
Deruth had been scared to face cale . He hadn't wanted to introduce violan to cale . He was frightened of seeing anger or disappointment in his son's gaze focused on him , or worse resentment or indifference.
He was relieved now. Since cale seemed fine .
Oh , if only he had seen a little deeper .
Cale took after jour , he was an excellent actor she had reassured him that she would be back quickly and was just leaving for a while, just like his mother in every single way .
Cale maintained his composure while walking towards his room , he can't break down now .
Later.
He told himself, trembling slightly.
He would break down later in his room , let the tears and sobs currently choking him out. Once he was in the sanctity of his room .
Not now , Later.
Not now .
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Cale reached his room and caught sight of himself in the mirror. He took a moment to critique his looks . He looked good , just like a miniature version of his mom .His red hair being his most prominent feature.
The happy family in the office was of brunettes .
As much as it hurt , cale couldn't really blame his father for not wanting to look at him and be reminded of his mom .
Cale was the reminder of his loss .
Cale missed his mom that much badly when he looked at himself in the mirror. It hurt.
He couldn't bring himself to hate it though , because how could he ? When he looked like mom? It also made him wonder where his mom was ? How was she ? Did she miss him as much as he did her? He would never know.
He would when he finally went to her and met her again.
More often than not , cale had dreams of her . They were all the memories he could remember of her . They played together, laughing , learning and enjoying life .
Sometimes he dreamed of her sobbing by the tree at her grave . Asking him if he didn't love her anymore because she had to leave . About how much she missed him and why wouldn't he come to her . Sometimes he would lie down by the tree with his head on her lap and they would spend blissful hours together, he heard her whisper then , that she loved him . Missed him so much and was waiting for him .
In his dreams , he told her that he had to look after father. That he needed him too and he had to be strong for him since she wasn't there with them anymore .
Then the scenery changed to the memories of all three of them spending time together like the happy family they used to be.
And the temptation to go to his mom would fade away just for a little while as he looked at his father and told himself he had to be there for him .
"But that had changed now ", he heard his own voice from a year ago whisper to him .
Father has a family now . He was happy. He got himself a new wife.
And a replacement son too.
The whispers and temptations of the dreams came back with vengeance after that day and he felt himself slipping .
No matter how hard he clutched his pillow, it wasn't able to ground him anymore . There were no more happy memories of his father in his dreams anymore just his mother and the sweet sweet temptation to go to her. Of finally letting go.
His father wasn't lonely anymore.
Maybe he never was and cale just deluded himself.
Oh no !
What about mom ?
She is still alone.
Father already has a new wife and son .
Mom is all alone .
She needed cale!!!!
He needed to hurry ....
He needed to go to her!
Oh god!
He was late!!
Mom would be so sad .
He needed to hurry......
Day by day.
Little by little.
With ever new family interaction and his father's obvious contentment with his new family , he fell a little deeper in the abyss that called out to him using his mom's voice, he started to answer .
After a month he finally let go .
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It was ridiculously easy .
Really.
He just had to give up his life and he would be with mom .
Ron hid a few daggers in some places, in his room for some reason. Maybe an emergency? Thinking that cale didn't know they were there or at least where they were .
He knew both .
He got a dagger and went to the bathroom. He didn't want to dirty his room and make hard work for servants.
He didn't want to taint it with blood . There were memories here both blissful and heartwrenching.
Little cale filled the tub with water and cut his wrist before letting himself drown .
It stung in the beginning but he soon became numb just as he had been at her funeral. He took it as a sign that he was doing the right thing and was on the right road that would lead him to his mom .
There was no pain. Just numbness and dull thoughts that he let flow, like his blood that was kept on flowing and turning the water red .
Red like his hair and his mother's.
Red like his mom's bloodied body that they had buried at the hill . Red like the leaves of the tree that grew on top of it .
His thoughts took him in different directions. He recalled how at first he thought that he should repeat everything his mom did so that he can reach her .
Maybe the village would kill him too. But it would have taken too long and it wasn't a guarantee either.
He looked at the blood still flowing from the wound and the bloody water. The color made him wonder if he would get a tree of his own?
Right next to mother .
Together forever.
Just like they would be after this.
With his final breaths , looking at his cut wrist and watching his life flow out of him he dimly wondered whether father would be sad .
Probably not. He was fine now and even if he were sad , he would be fine. Like he had been after mother.
This time Cale won't even be here to add to his pain .
He had his new family to be strong for him now.
But just in case his father did wonder about why cale left him like this and felt betrayed. Cale had left him a note on his pillow telling him his reason.
That should make father understand that cale had to leave. He didn't do it unnecessarily.
It did, after his dead body and note were found.
The note conveyed his reason clearly to anyone who saw it even though it was just a simple sentence.
" Mom is lonely. "