Orion had to leave early today because there was a work emergency, and Jax has an exam, so it's just Lincoln, Sam, Peter, Dev, mom, and I eating breakfast together. Mom seems to be getting along great with the others. She stayed for a little bit last night, met everyone and talked some, but then she went to her hotel for the night. By the time she left, I was exhausted and relieved. Nobody got her going, and she even commented on the clean house. So far so good.
She came early this morning, though, so I've been up since seven, and considering my track record of sleeping, I'm exhausted. But I have to pretend not to be so mom doesn't get mad at me for being lazy.
I rub at my burning eyes and focus on eating something. I barely ate anything yesterday because I couldn't, and today's not worse, but that doesn't mean I can eat anything.
I see mom's plate is empty, so I get up and grab her plate as I take both of them to the sink.
She doesn't even look at me or stop her conversation. Not that I expected that though. I stand at the sink and squeeze my eyes shut, trying to block out the very much bright lights, but I open them when I feel a hand slip into mine.
"Headache?" Sam whispers.
"A little," I say and squeeze his hand.
"I can get you an Advil?"
I shake my head with a forced smile. "Nah. I'm good."
"Why don't Lincoln and I go show your mom around the neighborhood? We'll be gone around thirty minutes, but that'll give you some relief."
Is it wrong to want your mom gone? I feel terrible. She's my mom, and yet I can't even—I can't function, relax, think clearly. I'm a terrible person. Before I can tell Sam that I'm okay and that they don't have to, Sam's already at the table asking mom if she wants to take a walk around the neighborhood. Of course, she says yes, and the three of them leave.
Peter and Dev then look at me.
"We have thirty minutes," Peter says and walks over to me. He grabs my hand and pulls me to the couch.
Dev sits down, then I do, and Peter climbs into my lap. We all sit there, snuggled together, and it feels amazing.
I close my eyes and just lay there. "Thanks," I whisper.
Dev kisses me on the head.
We sit there until Dev gets a text from Sam saying that they're two minutes away. We untangle and end up sitting next to each other—close I might add—and Dev turns on the tv as I grab a random book sitting on the table.
I open the book towards the middle and read a single sentence when the door opens, and the three of them come inside.
"That's amazing. I have to see that for myself," mom says.
"We can take you if you would like," Sam says. "It wouldn't be a problem."
"I would love to see it. Antiquing is one of my favourite things to do. Oh! And speaking of—" She rushes back outside and comes back in with a bag of goodies.
Sam nods at me, and I barely nod back at him, telling him that I'm better now.
"Here," mom says. "I brought one for each of you."
I look up as mom gives each person a little bag of chocolate covered almonds. They will always make me think of my grandfather when I see them.
"Can you give these to Orion and Jax when you see them, please, Sam?" She holds out two bags.
Sam takes them. "Of course."
She folds the bag up and goes to throw it away. I feel a pain in my heart.
"What about Blythe?" Peter asks.
Mom shrugs. "Guess I didn't bring enough. But Blythe doesn't mind. He's spoiled anyway."
I shake my head with a forced smile. "No, I don't mind. You guys enjoy. I have to go to the bathroom." I get up and make sure they can't see me before swallowing down my tears. I truly did forget the pain. I laugh in my head. These people are ruining me.
"Are you okay?"
I look up to see Lincoln standing there in the entrance to the bathroom.
"Yeah, I'm fine." I smile. "I just forgot I guess." I get up from the wall and head back to the others, and I hear Lincoln following me. I sit on the couch in the living room next to Dev, and I feel him grasping my hand where mom can't see it. That makes me smile. They're here for me, and as long as they're okay, I'll take all the bad she throws my way.
Mom walks back into the den and sees me. "Blythe, Sam was telling me about this antique store in the mall. You know how much I love antique stores. I could spend hours there. Let's go," she says.
I glance at Sam. "Right now?" I make sure to keep my voice soft and even so she doesn't feel threatened.
"Yes. How about it?"
"Oh, um..." I think back to what happened last night and how drained I feel today. I don't think I could manage trying to interact with mom right now, let alone go out and socialize. "I don't think so, mom. I'm not really feeling up to it today."
Lincoln walks in and looks at me.
"Nonsense. You're just lazy. Let's go. You need some fresh air anyway." She grabs her purse and jacket before looking at me.
I stand there, dumbfounded. "Mom, I'm not—"
She smiles. "Well, we're going anyway."
"Mom—"
"Blythe Dallon."
I know that tone. "Let me get some shoes," I say and, without looking at the others, I duck past her and go upstairs. I feel the tears coming, but I pinch at my skin, the pain distracting me from the tears. I get to my room and close the door, thankful that Peter isn't here right now. I take my time, calming myself down and trying to shove every one of my tears so far back that there would be no hope of me crying today. I put my ipod in my pocket and go back downstairs.
"Finally," mom says when she sees me. "Let's go." She heads out the door, and I follow, head down and eyes staring at the ground.
"Wait!"
I look up to see Dev running after us.
"Can I join you? I need some new shorts anyway."
The relief I feel almost makes me fall to the ground.
Dev looks at me, but mom answers with a tight lipped smile. "I don't think so, Devlin. This is just going to be a mother son adventure."
I stay silent, but in my head, I'm screaming. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please.
Dev smiles back at her, but I can see the mischief in his eyes. "Don't worry, Mrs. Lovelace, I won't be in the way of your bonding time with Blythe. It's just... Orion has these rules." He waves his hand in the air. "You know, no fighting, no drugs, no leaving the house by yourself. It would just be a shame that Blythe would choose this particular day when Orion isn't here to break one of those rules. You wouldn't want your son to break one of the few rules we have here, would you? So, if you're thinking about it, I'm just helping Blythe out."
I can tell that Dev is spewing complete bullshit, but as I glance at mom, a slice of fear goes through me at the look on her face. I've seen that look before, but never directed at someone other than me. She hates him as much as she hates me. I don't know exactly how I feel about that, but I do know that I feel angry, and I feel like actually defending Dev. That's a first. I can also tell that mom doesn't believe Dev, but she also can't risk it.
"Fine," she bites out with a smile. "Come along then." She turns and walks to the car.
Dev steps closer to me and whispers, "You're not alone, Blythe." Then he walks after her.
My heart pounds, and I wanna cry. But in the best possible way.
I hurry after them.
.~:*:~.
When we get to the mall, Dev and I walk behind mom. We walk close enough that our hands touch every so often, and it sends butterflies through my stomach. But these are butterflies that don't make me want to go into the bathroom and hide. It feels nice after the days I've had.
"I can't believe she bought that," he whispers.
I shrug. "Honestly, I can't either."
Dev looks down at me with a smile. "It's a good thing she did. Lincoln wanted to be the one to come, but I convinced him to let me come instead."
"Why?"
He shrugs. "Reasons."
"What are you two talking about back there?" mom says and slows down, so she walks next to me.
"Just about lunch. Blythe wants chicken salad. I want pasta salad. We're deciding which one is better."
I look at mom with a nod and a smile.
She smiles. "Don't worry about lunch. We can get something here. I can buy this one." She stops walking, and I almost crash into her. "Here it is. Wow. Sam wasn't kidding. It is big."
I look and see a medium sized store hidden behind a staircase in the back of the mall. Everything inside looks brown, but mom seems very excited. We all enter the store, and mom immediately starts looking around and talking with the old man behind the counter.
I just follow Dev wherever he goes. I guess it's my natural instinct to follow someone around when shopping. Before I enter any store, I feel like I can do this—shopping—but like clockwork, whenever I enter a store, I revert back to my old self—anxiety ridden and helpless. It's a nice little life I have going here.
We spend almost two hours in this store alone. Dev and I play some games to pass the time—tag mostly—but also some games on his phone when we both get tired. I left my phone back at the house because I cannot let mom find out I have one. She'll just take it away like my other one.
We all finally leave the store, and mom carries a single bag with only two little statues of rabbits in it. That's it.
We walk around some more, and mom wants to go in almost every single store. Once she gets started with shopping, no one can stop her. She once spent an entire day shopping and only stopped when the place closed down for the night. She didn't stop to eat at all the entire day. It was something else.
This mother son date thing that she wanted isn't really turning out how she wanted it. Everytime we go into a store, she sees something she wants me to have and practically forces it down my throat before Dev or I explain to her that I will never use nor wear whatever it is.
I'm exhausted after four hours.
But mom isn't.
"Honey, can you go ask the employee if there is a bigger size in this?"
I look up at the closed dressing room door as mom throws a shirt over the top of it. "Uh..." My heart races.
Dev stands up. "I got it, Mrs. Lovelace." He squeezes my hand before grabbing the shirt and finding the nearest employee.
I sigh in relief. Dev has been doing that all day. Whenever that panic sets in, he's always there to either distract mom or do the thing for me. I don't know how, but he knows that I can't deal with anything right now. I'm too wound up, too anxious, and too tired.
Dev comes back with a different shirt and throws it over the door. "Here you go. One size bigger."
Mom takes the shirt, and Dev sits back down. "You doing okay so far?" he whispers only loud enough for me to hear. The room we're in now is medium sized, and there are people around, but any noise echoes. I've been listening in to the other two girls' conversation, and let's just say that one of them is a bitch.
I nod, but I'm honestly exhausted and starving. All the not eating has caught up with me, and now I feel like my stomach is eating itself. As if on cue, my stomach growls.
Dev smiles and stands up. "Mrs. Lovelace, we're both hungry out here. Do you think we can get something to eat after this?"
Mom opens the door and stands there with a pile of clothes in her arms. She's tried on all of those and asked for bigger sizes in most of them. "Sure. We can go now." She puts the clothes on the table next to the dressing room, and we follow her out. She doesn't buy anything.
We go to the food courts next, and I stick close to Dev. There are a lot of people here, all crowded together.
"Do you guys know what you want to eat?" mom asks us as she looks at some vegetarian menu. "I'm going to eat here. It looks organic and natural. Blythe, honey, why don't you go figure something out to eat." She touches Dev's arm. "Let Dev stay here with me and get something here. I want to talk to him for a second."
I look at Dev.
"Mrs. Lovelace, why don't I go with Blythe? We can talk later—"
"Nonsense," she says with a smile. "We can talk now. I'm sure Blythe will be fine. We'll meet at the table."
I nod and look down as I turn away from them and walk away. I hear Dev saying something, but the noise of everyone else drowns him out. I walk around the square of tiny restaurants, half looking for something to eat, because I am hungry, but the more time I spend walking around, the more time I have to think and the more time I have to panic. By the time I pass two more restaurants, my appetite is gone, and I feel like crying. There's a cloud in my throat, restricting my breathing but letting the tears through. I pinch at my hand, the pain clearing my head enough for me to finally give up trying to find something and head to the table. I focus on looking for Dev, his curly red hair, and I find him looking around at the people. I come up behind him and sit down next to him.
"Blythe." He sounds relieved. "Are you okay?"
I look down and stay quiet.
"Did you not get any food?" mom asks, and she shovels another forkful of salad into her mouth.
I shake my head. "I'm not hungry," I say and pinch at my skin. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.
"Here, Blythe. You can have some of mine." Dev pushes over his rice bowl, but I shake my head.
"I'm fine." I feel my hand burning, and I look down to see some blood. Oh, that's not good.
Dev checks his phone. "It's getting late, Mrs. Lovelace. Maybe we should be getting home now."
"But there are a couple more stores that I want to—"
"You can do that some other time. We have to get home now." He stands up, and I follow.
Mom huffs but gets her food and eats it as we walk. "We could've at least finished eating."
I follow close to Dev, silently thankful for what he did. If he wasn't here, I know mom would've continued shopping for at least a couple more hours. And all I want to do right now is curl up in my bed and forget that the world exists.
We exit the mall and get into the car. I get in the backseat as Dev gets in the driver's seat, and mom gets in the passenger seat. It's silent on the ride back. I focus on the trees and cars passing, willing myself to breathe. I've calmed down some from before, but I know that any little thing could set me off again. Sometimes I hate this. I hate that I can't function like a normal human. I hate that I mess everything up.
Dev parks the car, and we all pile out and go back into the kitchen. I make a beeline for my room, not looking or talking to anyone, but I hear mom shout my name, and I pause. I know that tone.
I turn back around and go into the kitchen. I look up to see mom looking at me with her eyes squinted and her hands on her hips.
"Blythe Dallon, don't you ignore me."
I don't say anything.
"What is with you today? Don't you love me?"
"Of course," I say automatically. "It's nothing." I feel panicked again, and I can't stop the tears this time.
"Why can't you function like a normal person? I thought you were old enough to not need help ordering food for yourself."
"It's hard to explain."
"I thought that this place would help you—get you away from those electronic devices and get you friends and make you go outside more and want to do things and be happy—but I guess I was wrong. This place hasn't helped you at all. You seem the same as when I left. The same depressed and useless person that you were before. I'm leaving to go home tonight, and I'm taking you back with me. Maybe then I can force you to stop wallowing in your own self pity."
This is the last chapter that I have planned out already, so updates from here on out are going to be spotty. I wanna finish this book so bad, so I'm going to try my hardest to still update everyday, but sometimes life gets in the way.
Thank you for all the lovely comments.