Jordan
The sunlight shines on my exposed back as I stand here. At this enchanting river. This cabin where Harry had brought the woman out in me. Easily, more than I had expected. Yet, I refuse to take that trip down memory lane.
The only place I'm going from here is forward. Harry's smile will be a beautiful picture in my mental gallery. One in a million.
I sit and cross my legs. Bringing the pen to the paper in my hand.
Dear mom,
We almost never see eye to eye. Never share the same beliefs. And we certainly will never do. But what we have shared are a few good times when dad had ran off. Way before you forgot that my happiness mattered too. You put so much of your love in those men that I was never enough for you. You pushed me away and shut me out like it was my fault dad left. And maybe it was. No one really knows the real reason why he did. But I just wanted to say your strength rubbed off on me. A lot. And because life can easily be taken away from us, I want you to know that my love for you never died. And my heart holds nothing against you for what happened in the past. Because what's in the past is always there for a reason. I love you.
Dear dad.
I was supposed to be daddy's little girl. You were supposed to be my hero. My go to when nothing was going right in my life. But I've learned to accept disappointment. Failure. Rejection. And betrayal from especially those I've loved. I'm not mad at you. Or myself. I'm just glad you came back. And you promised to stay this time. You've never been one of broken promises, so please don't start now. I look forward to starting over with you. And she does too. I'm sure of that.
Dear Hannah
My love. My inspiration. My reason for not giving up on life when I just lost the only man who ever showed me the meaning of true love. I won't be fond of you dating. But when I do let you go, I want you to find the love that helps you grow into a better person. Anyone can say they love you. But until their actions knock you off your feet, they're not worth the heartache. Trust me on this. Your worth is far more than you will ever see.
Dear Harry.
If I could see you, at least one more time, then...then it would make me fall in love with you all over again. The first time you touched me. Our first kiss. I was the last girl you'd ever brought here. You were right about that, but some sick twisted part of me wishes you weren't. I'd feel a lot better if you were here with someone else, than not seeing you at all. Cause at least then I'd be able to fight for you to come back to me. Come back to me, Harry.
I stand and brush my pants off, fighting back the tears as Harry's figure walks up to me. My eyes move from his boots to the smile I fell for. He's glowing. More than he ever has.
"Harry?"
He reaches his hand out to me, and I try to take it but my fingers slip right through, crushing whatever was left inside my chest.
"You can feel without touching, can you?" he asks.
"I don't feel without you." I place my hand on my chest. "But when I do, it burns too much." Like hell.
"I know. But can you promise me something?"
"Anything."
He brings a hand to his chest like I did seconds ago. He smiles at me. Then his hand falls to his side. And it stays there.
No.
"Yes, Jordan. Promise me you'll move on."
I blink away the tears, squinting my eyes as the sunlight shines brighter. Blinding me.
"How can I move on when I can't even sleep without you here? I don't eat, Harry. Do you know how much it hurts to pretend I'm okay when I'm falling apart? I've lied to Hannah everyday since you left me here."
"If it was meant to be, it would have been. And don't miss out on her life just because I will."
I look down at my feet, tears flowing endlessly down my face. "Why did you have to go?"
He steps back. "If I had stayed, I would be over doing my time with you. The time you'll later spend with someone else."
"I don't understand."
"You will. Someday."
His figure becomes more distant by the second. Every second I watch him leave. An odd feeling of both agony and satisfaction. My distant love. Harry. I take his letter and rip it to pieces, throwing it out into the river.
***
They say love is blind. I never knew what it meant. And I still don't. As little as I do know about love, I know that I once had it.
Pain.
Passion.
Promises.
Pleasure. Sweet pleasure. And all the other emotions no one's capable of stirring up in you, but your lover.
My heart is fragile. Healing slowly. But in such a weak state, it'll break at the sound of his name. Grieving is human. But I have to pick myself up for me and my little girl. Telling myself I'm almost there will help me take the first step in getting there. So faking is what I'll have to practice. Telling myself I'm strong enough to do this, until I do get that strength.
"How is it?" Heather asks.
I chew slowly, looking up at her, scrunching my nose.
"You're lying," she says. "That pie whipped all my exes." A knowing smile on her face.
"If it's so good, why are you still single?" I have a glass of water.
"Being single is my thing, okay? It brings me peace. And being single doesn't mean I don't get some every now and then." She winks at Hannah.
"Don't say that, she's getting older."
"Would you prefer I get laid?"
"Heather..."
"Okay." She raises her hands.
Hannah's feeding herself with mashed potatoes I just made her for lunch. She may be clueless as to what we're talking about now, but twelve more years and I'll be getting my share of headaches.
"Did someone just ring the doorbell? Or am I hearing things?" Heather asks.
"It's Zayn. I think Madison said he's spending the day with the guys."
"Wait, that was today?"
"Yeah. Time really is catching up on us. Still can't believe we're leaving tomorrow."
"Oh, forget tomorrow. Zayn's coming in this house any minute now and I'm wearing a sundress."
"There's nothing wrong with it."
"No offense, but that's coming from you and we both know fashion isn't you're strongest point."
"None taken." I give her a mischievous smile. "If you need me, I'll be welcoming our guest."
"Don't you dare."
"Hospitality is my strongest point." I race her to the door and unlock it.
"Hey, what's up?" Zayn pulls out a bouquet of roses.
"Thank you." I take them and step back, giving him space to come in. "Are these for Madison?"
"Well, there are three of you, so I just brought...one."
"Four actually," I tell him as we go to the kitchen. "Hannah's a lady... Who eats with ten fingers. Eight, I mean."
"I hope she didn't learn etiquette from you," Zayn jokes when she spits her food out.
"It's a girl thing." I smile. "Can I get you anything?"
"A glass of Madison? She wanted to see me before I went to Niall's."
"Oh, I'm sorry I didn't know... you can wait here until she comes down." I lead him back to the living room. "I'll let her know you're here." I'm headed up the stairs when Heather makes her grand entrance.
"Zayn? What a surprise?" She gracefully walks down the staircase. "Tell me, what brings you here?"
I roll my eyes but stare at her when she gets closer. "Please tell me that's not my dress."
"Well, it was, but you gave it to me."
"When?" I lower my voice.
"When? When I tried it and I liked the way it fit perfectly."
"Heather. How's it going?" Zayn walks over to take her hand. He places a kiss on it. "Fine, I see."
"Sweet too." Heather winks and I shake my head. "So how are you?"
"I've had better days. But enough about me. It's been two months, what have you been doing all this time?"
"Well, you know just...living. At the gym, or wherever. Art's still my thing, but being hot and single is a craft I recently mastered."
Oh my gosh. I've heard enough.
"Can't fight you on that, now can I?"
I go upstairs and let Madison know Zayn's here. She tells me she'll be right down and I stop by my room to check if everything is all packed. Well, since Heather snooped around in my stuff.
First, my food. Now, my clothes.
I smile at the giant teddy bear Harry got me for mother's day. It's lying on its back on the bed. I pick it up and wrap my arms around it. Squeezing. Taking in the slight scent of Harry's cologne. One of the few things Harry gave me that I'll take with me to the deepest corners of this world.
Times like these, I wonder. Can the sun really shine again after devastation hits? Can a heart get back its natural beat after shutting down completely? What lies ahead for me now that I have made such a great lost? Hannah's my only gem left. And the thought of anything happening to her makes me afraid of living because it'll hurt too much.
But Harry would want a lot more for her than wrapping her in a bubble and praying life goes away. He knew that life would eventually come knocking on the door and answering wouldn't be an option. Not a choice. People have to live. And they also have to die, cause it's proof they were even alive.
I need to promise myself that my life won't be an empty cycle of fear. Fear of hurt. Fear of the unknown. Because the moment I live in fear is the moment I'll die.
"Knock knock." Heather stands by the door. "So...how did I do down there?"
"You stole my dress."
"Don't be rude. I borrowed it."
"Whatever." I drop down on my bed with the teddy bear next to me.
"You know it's kinda silly, but I always thought I'd have this one special memory of someone to keep me hopeful when they die."
"Well, there's that time Harry cut your hair in middle school." I remind her. "Isn't that special enough?"
"You know what I mean." She sits beside me. "You watch those movies where something's let behind to remind someone of what the other person was like? It's just a lot better when you can touch something and know that life doesn't stop here."
I sit up. "Okay, you got me."
"What?"
"Just so you know, I'm not mad about the dress... Now promise you won't get mad at me."
"One, you can't get mad at me about the dress cause I slay it better than you do. And what are you talking about? Why'd I be mad at you?"
"Harry wanted you to have this." I pull the teddy bear around to sit between us. "But I kept it from you and that was selfish, I know...I also wanted to get back at you for stealing my food."
Her eyes widen before she pulls the teddy bear on her lap.
Life truly is better when you put a smile on someone else's heart. The smallest things. The shortest words. They're often what makes a soul. Being here with Heather is enough. She may be coming to California with me, but when she gets back home, having something to remind her of Harry will make things a lot easier for her.
I hope.