Arm was very aware of Ben's tongue inside his mouth right now, and his hands exploring Arm's clothed body.
How on earth did they end up here?
Arm tried to think about it.
He had arrived at the party on time. He had given Ben his gift. Ben loved it a lot. He said it was one of the most unique gifts he had ever gotten. He even made an Instagram of showing off the gift and the gift giver. He then introduced Arm to his friends and Arm had mingled as he promised. It was sort of fun.
Then once the party was over and everyone had left, Arm had stayed back to help Ben clean up afterward. They were washing the dishes while talking and occasionally flirting. Ben was slightly tipsy and Arm only had one beer. Then suddenly Ben was in his space, pressing him against the kitchen sink's counter. His lips were trailing from Arm's neck to his jaw to finally settle on his lips.
Had Arm kissed him back immediately? He couldn't remember. His brain had stopped functioning. He was a disgrace for his occupation.
But Ben knew his element. He softly pecked on Arm's lips as if to tell him to calm down. Arm tried but failed. His heart was hammering in his chest. He was sure his ears were red by now. He had his eyes screwed shut.
"Relax, officer," Ben said in a breathy voice as he peppered soft kisses on Arm's jawline and then his neck.
"I won't bite," he said into Arm's skin. Arm could feel a smile forming on the other's lips. "Unless you ask me to."
Oh, God.
Arm's breath hitched. Ben felt that too and chuckled. "So sensitive, aren't you?" he whispered.
And then his softness was gone. He snaked one hand around Arm's waist and pulled him to himself before crashing their lips together. And this time Arm decided to shut down his rational thinking and enjoy wherever this was headed. So he kissed Ben back. He mirrored Ben's movements and started to trail his hands around Ben's body before sinking his fingers into his hair.
Ben pushed Arm to make him sit on the counter and Arm obliged. He wrapped his legs around Ben's waist to hold him in place while their mouths stayed connected.
Arm needed this. He wanted this. He liked this.
Didn't he?
Ben's mouth left him and found his neck. He peppered Arm with kisses right above his pulse while his hands tried to take off Arm's shirt.
Arm was confused now. He couldn't figure out if he really wanted this or not. He couldn't think straight. Was he ready for something like this? Was he the type to kiss someone after knowing them for less than a day?
"You are not the one for a one-night stand, Arm. You take time to form an emotional connection before you jump to a physical one. And that's okay. That's cute. And most importantly, that's you," Pol had told him once.
And as much as it pissed Arm off, he realized it was true. He couldn't do this without having some aftermath where he was the one who was hurting. So, Arm's hands left Ben's hair and gently pushed him on his chest.
Ben didn't seem to get the hint as he continued doing what he was doing. So, Arm pushed a little harder. That got Ben's attention. He stopped kissing Arm's neck and looked at him confused.
"Uhm," Arm tried to find the right words. "I don't think... I don't think I can do this right now."
Disappointment flashed across Ben's eyes and he didn't try to mask it. Arm understood. And he felt ashamed of himself.
"I'm sorry," Arm admitted.
Ben didn't say anything. He just stepped away so Arm could climb down the counter and leave. And Arm obliged. He wanted to say something to Ben. But didn't know what it was.
Should he ask him out on a date? So that they could get to know each other better? Yeah, he should do that. So Arm stopped outside Ben's door and turned.
"Ben I—" he began to say.
"It's getting late," Ben cut him off. "I have a shoot tomorrow morning. I'll see you around."
Arm stood there for a while even after Ben shut the door on him. He felt like an idiot, right now. Why did he tell him to stop? God! He could be having the best sex of his life right now.
But would you want it? his conscience asked.
Arm didn't try to figure out an answer for that as he walked back to his apartment.
—
When the call connected after three rings, Pol let out his most cheerful voice, "Hey, Yumi! How's my favorite girl doing?"
"Let me guess," Yumi's sweet yet sarcastic voice sounded over the speaker. "You want details on Arm's new neighbor."
Pol's brows shot up in surprise. What the hell?
"Are you a witch?" he asked, only half joking. A loud chewing sound almost made him deaf. "And what the fuck are you eating?"
"Ice cubes," Yumi answered in between chewing. "And no, I'm not a witch. I'm just very familiar with your gender. It's a surprise how men haven't been abolished yet. Your kind is either extremely simple-minded or just plain stupid."
Pol chuckled before saying, "I wonder what you would do to our gender if you had the power."
"Send y'all to therapy," Yumi answered in a second.
"So..." Pol trailed off unsure of how to approach the subject.
"Ben Tiang. Twenty-four. Works as a freelance photographer. Instagram handle Ti underscore Ben. Fifty thousand followers," Yumi said as if reading out from a paper.
"Damn Yumi! You could give the FBI a run for their money," Pol joked.
"Well, I do have a lot of time in my hand these days."
"Get a hobby?" Pol said, still joking.
"I do have a hobby, hon. It's watching you idiots play pretend 'I got this' when, in fact, you do not."
Another loud chewing sounded over the phone. How could someone chew ice cubes as if they were Pringles?
"Hey, I do got this!" Pol said defensively. "Do you know how many moms gave me the I-want-you eyes since I got here?"
"I love how you say it with so much pride and dignity," Yumi said in a deadpan voice.
"Shut up," Pol muttered.
"So the date is tonight?" Yumi asked, again surprising Pol.
"How did you—nevermind. Yes, it's tonight. She couldn't make it yesterday."
Gia had canceled last minute due to an employee falling sick. She had to give up her shift for the ill staff.
"Are you excited?"
"I'm curious," Pol carefully avoided the question. He wasn't excited. He was confused and half thinking of ways to get out of the meeting he had in a few hours.
"You do you, hon. Just make sure you learn from your experiences."
After Pol hung up with Yumi, he went to check Ben's Instagram. Thankfully, it was public.
Ben was an extrovert to his bone. There were uploads from every other night. Some were sponsored, some were just casual hangouts, and some were promos of his own work.
The photographer was talented, and Pol admitted. His work was artsy and aesthetically pleasing. He was good at his job. Unlike Pol.
Arm would have given Pol a disapproving look if he heard his friend comparing himself to another person. He hated it when Pol was self-deprecating. He always made sure to boost his friend's confidence however he could.
Pol clicked on Ben's story. Loud music echoed from the phone's speaker and then Ben's voice. The camera showed a camera lens that was actually a coffee mug set on a table.
"I just got the coolest coffee mug from my new sexy neighbor," Ben said as he pointed the camera at Arm. Pol felt his chest spasm a little.
Arm looked... different. He wore a grey hoodie, a pair of black trousers, and his glasses. He was smiling shyly at the camera and waving awkwardly. He looked exactly like before but somehow very different. Pol couldn't put his finger on what exactly changed about his best friend.
"He is cute," someone said next to Ben, their face not visible. It caused Arm to duck his head, shying away even more.
"I call dibs," Ben's voice echos, and then the story is over.
Pol then realized something. He had called Arm before calling Yumi. He didn't pick up his call. He had been sporting a plastic drinking cup in the video. Ben had shown his interest in him. Arm seemed shy but intrigued.
As Pol
made his way to the Cafe Gia asked him to meet her, he wondered why it bothered him so much that Arm might be seeing someone now.
Gia didn't want to get back together. She wanted to apologize to Pol. And to his surprise, Pol realized he felt relieved. He thought he might actually agree to get back together if Gia proposed the same. But when he saw his ex-girlfriend walk into the Cafe, he realized he didn't feel what he felt once anymore.
They still talked like old friends did. Gia was getting married next summer. Pol wished her luck. Gia was happy about what Pol accomplished and was glad that she didn't hold him back. They talked for a long time. Until it was time for Gia to go.
"Can I give you one piece of advice, Pol?" she asked as she gathered her things into her purse.
Pol nodded, encouraging her to go on.
"Don't intentionally distance yourself from people who care about you. I did that thinking I was protecting you. But I wasn't. I was just hurting both of us. If only I communicated with you better, things would be different now. Don't get me wrong. I have made my peace with where my actions took me. But I'm still human. Therefore, I still wonder about the what-ifs."
Gia parted with her signature dimpled smile. Her chestnut brown hair swayed lightly in the wind as she rode her cycle and slowly disappeared where the gravel road met the sky. Pol watched her go, feeling heavier and lighter at the same time.
His phone rang then.
It was Arm.
"Hey!" Arm sounded a little breathless. "Sorry, I didn't see your call. I woke up late this morning and had to rush to the station. Just got to check my phone. What's up?"
He said it all at once and Pol smiled. His friend was probably multitasking at the moment while balancing his phone between his shoulder and ear.
"I just wanted to check up on you. How are you?" Pol asked.
Arm took a moment to answer. It was long enough for Pol to have a gut feeling that his friend was not okay.
"Fine," Arm said. "How are you? How was your meeting with Gia?"
Pol decided to not push him. If Arm wanted to talk about it, he would. So he answered his question instead.
"Enlightening."
"How so?" Arm sounded curious. So Pol told him everything. And not just about the meeting he had with Gia. He told him about the crisis with Lynn and why he had to move back home suddenly. He told his best friend about the brief moment of thought he had given to the fact that he could settle down here and take the job he was currently doing, full time.
"Do you want to?" Arm asked. His voice wavered a little and it made Pol smile.
"No. I will come back when things are okay with Lynn. I worked too hard to give up on everything. Plus—" he scratched his head and found himself blushing a little "—I miss you."
Arm was quiet for a few minutes. The busy precinct could be heard in the background. Pol was about to ask him if he was okay when he spoke.
—
Arm told his friend about what happened last night. He told him about the miserable feeling he was carrying around in himself the whole day. He told him and he felt lighter. Why didn't people talk more? It helped ease the mind a lot, Arm realized.
"Did you want to do it?" Pol asked. His voice was gentle but firm.
"At first, yes," Arm admitted. "But then I didn't. I don't know. I got confused. And he seemed mad."
"It's really simple, Arm," Pol sounded calm. It was a tone Arm wasn't familiar with. "You either want it or you don't. It's okay if you change your mind in between. He still has to step back. He can only touch you as long as you want it. It doesn't matter if he is mad or not. It's about consent. If he is mad at you because you're not comfortable anymore, then I guess you can tell who the problem is. I'll give you a hint. It's not you."
Pol sounded like a proper grown-up. It made Arm's chest twist a little. He sighed.
"When you moved away I thought you won't need me anymore," he found himself confessing. "And it made me mad."
"Don't be ridiculous. I will always need you," Pol said and Arm could feel the smile in his voice. He loved it when they talked like that. There was something very soothing about Pol's voice.
"But I don't want to be your burden anymore," his friend added. "I want to need you just for your company. I thought I could do it by taking care of at least one problem in my life. That's why I didn't tell you."
"You're not my burden, Pol," Arm frowned. "I do things for you because I want to." Because I love you, he wanted to say.
"I know. But it hurts me to be of no use. I just wanted to show you that I'm capable of taking care of things."
Pol was walking home, Arm could tell. The background noises of the town fit the mood nicely.
"You didn't need to show me anything. I have known you for six years. And I still stick with you because I choose to. With all your idiosyncrasies," Arm said. It felt weird to be so open with someone. He hadn't talked like this for a long time.
Pol didn't speak for some time. He was still walking. Arm gave him time while he, himself, toyed with the pen on his desk.
"Would you ever be with someone like me?" Pol suddenly asked, making Arm's heart skip a beat.
"I am already with you," Arm said trying to keep an even tone.
"You know that's not what I meant," Pol said seriously.
Arm took a deep breath. "Yes. I would be with you," he answered honestly.
Not someone like you. You. Just you.
Pol didn't talk for a while again. But then he said, "I'll be back soon."
There was something in the way he said it that made Arm smile. Something warm bloomed in his chest. He felt lighter than he felt in a long time.
"Okay," he answered, suddenly feeling shy.
"Okay," Pol repeated with a smiley tone.
When they hung up Arm knew they had a lot of talking left to do. But it could wait till Pol returned. They had time. For now, Arm was going to make himself a stale coffee in the break room and smile while he sipped it, playing the conversation he had with Pol over and over in his head.