After I picked up the pencils and pens I head down to the kitchen. I better start making dinner. Taylor would get Daniel to come over even if he didn't want to. I pull out one of mom's recipe books and start looking for something easy. I smile at the handwritten tips in the margins of the pages.
I decide on a simple spaghetti dish. I try to follow the steps in the book, but I'm positive I'm messing up. I smell something burning and find the water I had put the pasta in was all gone and the noodles are burnt and stuck to the pot. Who can't even make pasta? I give up and call for pizza.
The pizza came before Daniel did. A part of me was worried that Taylor couldn't get her older brother to come to see me. Another part might have been relieved he wasn't coming.
I hear a knock on the door and hurry to answer it. Daniel is standing on the porch, looking very irritated. His hands are stuffed in his pockets. I send him a smile, he doesn't even bother to return it.
I step to the side and let him in. "What's burning?" He asks once he's inside. "I burned the pasta." I reply sheepishly. "You burnt pasta?" His brooding look has turned into an amused smile. At least he was smiling, even if it's at my expense. I nod and start heading to the kitchen again, "I ordered pizza."
I get out two plaits and set them down on the counter. Daniel opens the box of pizza and puts four pieces onto one of the plates and two onto the other. He looks at me for a moment and I decided it's now or never.
"Daniel, I'm sorry about earlier. I didn't mean to lose it like I did." He looks away from me again, grabbing his plait. "I get it now. You were protecting me." I keep on talking, hoping he would say something. He doesn't. "Daniel, please, I said I'm sorry. I'm not in the rabbit hole." He turns around, "For now." He sets down the plait and steps towards me.
"People always believe they are fine until they're not." I shake my head, "No, I am fine. I'm even going to Taylor's party." "Oh, sure, you going to a party is definitely a sign that you're fine." His voice is dripping with sarcasm and I want to yell at him.
"You wanted me to be fine, now I am and you're still not happy. You're unbelievable." I say rolling my eyes, stepping away to grab a wine glass. "I just don't believe you can be fine after a few hours. I don't believe you've accepted everything so quickly after grieving for a whole month not knowing they were coming to see you. Now that you know, you just brush it off? I don't believe you can do that, Lindsey."
"You still don't believe I'm strong enough?" I ask, pulling a bottle of wine from the pantry. "No, that's why we didn't tell you. You have a tendency of overreacting." His eyes land on the wine I've poured for myself.
"What are you doing?" His brow is set in his frown again. I swear he always looks at me with that frown on his face. "I'm having a drink." I say before having a sip. He takes the glass out of my hand and almost spills it all over me. "What are you doing?" I ask, angered by his behaviour. "You can't drink."
"I'm 21, Daniel, not 16. Give me back my wine." I reach for the glass but he pulls away the glass and lifts it above his head. "Give it back. I am allowed to drink." I stand on my tiptoes and try to reach for the glass. I lose my balance and fall forward. He wraps his arm around my waist, stabling me.
His blue eyes are smiling down at me, his lips pulled into a slight smile. Gosh, he has mood-swings. Time doesn't seem to exist. I hear the sound of the glass on the counter. He uses his newly freed hand to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. I swallow hard, still holding his gaze. His hand stops on my cheek and the sparks from earlier in the car start to travel along my skin again.
I become aware of his arm wrapped around my waist. His fingers have found where my top has lifted slightly and were tracing circles on the exposed skin. Sparks of warmth shoot through my body and for a second I wish we could stay like this.
Only for a second.
I pull away from him and turn away from him, "Fine, I won't have wine." This wasn't right. He's Will's best friend. Will would kill him if he found out. He's Taylor's brother. Memories of Will and Taylor going on secret dates flash in my mind. Daniel found out and beat up his best friend. They didn't speak for weeks. Luckily Will and Taylor called it off. "Lack of spark", was Taylor's exact words. He was my crush in high school. I am not in high school any more. I've grown up. This is just me grabbing onto something familiar. Trying to find something or someone that's been with me forever.
Another part of me wants to return to the moment. I want to be wrapped in his arms. I want him smiling down at me instead of glaring at me. I want his soft gentle touch instead of his harsh words, jabbing into my heart. I want him to hold me instead of pushing me away.
I push away the thoughts and turn around to face him, "Let's watch a movie." He nods, avoiding my gaze. I grab my plait and head to the sitting room. He followed me and we sat at opposite ends of the couch. I curled up in a ball, my knees pulled up to my chest. Daniel sits casually on the couch, pizza in hand.
I switch on the TV and flip through the channels. I settle on something before turning to Daniel. His pizza was finished and his eyes were nailed on the screen. "Are we good now?" I whisper. My voice sounds as small as it had earlier today. Daniel looks my way, "I don't know, Linds." My heart drops at his answer.
I close my eyes. Why couldn't it just be fine? Why couldn't he just have said we were good? Why did he have to make it so complicated? Why did he have to make me so confused?
When I finally open my eyes to speak to him again I am met with his beautiful blue eyes, staring at me. My breath catches in my throat. His breath fans my face and I shiver slightly. My mind flashes to when I was 17 and I saw him coming out of the bathroom, all wet, wrapped in a towel and his whole upper body exposed. He didn't even know I saw him. The way my heart was beating now was exactly how it had beat that day.
"Do you think we're fine?" He whispers. If he wasn't so close I would have probably missed the question. I bite my lip and see his eyes flash to my lips. I release the lip and try to speak, but the words catch in my throat when he reaches over and his thumb comes to rest on my bottom lip where my teeth were seconds ago.
He slowly leans over. I look up to his blue eyes. He's waiting for me to stop him. I don't. His thumb is replaced by his lips and my heart flutters. My eyes close without my permission.
Ever since I was fourteen I wished for him to kiss me. He is every high school girl's dream. Everyone wanted to kiss him.
The kiss is soft and cautious. He's still waiting for me to pull away. He's still waiting for my approval on this. I want to give it to him. I kiss back and I feel his lips pull into a smile for a second before he continues his soft kiss.
Images of my father sitting in the chair a few feet away from us flash in my mind. I try to push them away as Daniel deepens the kiss and pulls me to him. I wrap my arms around his neck and let my fingers play with the small curls in his neck.
More images of mom and dad giving me disapproving looks run through my mind. I know they would disapprove of this, but it's not like I haven't kissed anyone before. Maybe it's because we're in the living room where they didn't approve of my engagement?
I feel Daniel's hand in my hair, the other still trying to pull me close to him. I let him. I push the images of my parents away. I want this. I've wanted this ever since I was 16.
The kiss seems to go forever. And I wish it could.
"No sex before marriage." My father's voice echoes in my mind. I push Daniel away. He frowns, "What's the matter?" I sit back and pull my legs to my chest, "I can't do this." At first, I thought he didn't hear me, but when I look up he was gone.
I hear the door slam shut and jump at the sound. He left. I want to run after him but I'm kept in place by something. I can't explain it. My body doesn't want to move. The noise of the TV disappears. I sit there, frozen for what felt like forever.
Words my father said over and over echoing in my mind. "No sex." "Marriage first." I see my father sitting in his chair, mom standing behind him, as he gives the speech. Will, Levi and I are seated on the couch. I watch as years pass by, him giving the speech every year.
I know for a fact that the speech meant nothing to Will. He had done it. He had ignored his father's words. A part of me believes that Levi must be doing it by now.
A new image forms in my mind. I thought it was just one, but it was only one event that kept happening over the years. Me pushing off boys and denying them what they wanted. It started when I was 15. The boys changed as did the settings, I grew older but the situation was always the same. The last image that flashes is me pushing Daniel away a few minutes ago. I let my head rest on my knees. They all left, stormed off - angry with me. I always expected it from the other boys, but never of Daniel.