It's Negan who comes up with the plan. Of course, he's had the most practice, walking with the dead. We will use the tactics the Whisperers used against us to catch our new enemy by surprise. I stare at the newly-made skin-mask in my hands and remember the first time I saw one from up close.
We will cut you into little pieces and send them to your friends. And when we're done, what's left of you will walk with us.
The Alpha still haunts my dreams. I know she's dead, I know she can't hurt us anymore. But that doesn't stop me from waking up sweating, convinced she's right there and ready to plunge her knife into me.
I realize that my hands are shaking, so I ball them into fists, tugging the mask into my jacket. I am not well. I know that much. Everything that's happened since the Whisperers showed up has taken it's toll on me. But I can't let it control me. I can't freeze today like I did when our new enemies found us at the safe house. We have to get it done today. Get it done and go home. I survived the Whisperers, I can survive this too.
A noise draws my attention to the trees and when I see Negan approaching me, I plaster on a smile. I'm done falling apart around him all the time.
'Hey', he greets me. 'You ready?'
'Born ready', I say smiling broadly. 'Can't wait to wrap my face in the skin of a dead person and kill some assholes.'
Negan raises an eyebrow and looks at me sceptically.
'What?' I ask innocently. 'Too much?'
'Just a bit.'
'Well, I'm as ready as I'll ever be. Are we going?'
'In a minute', he says, crossing his arms a little apprehensively. 'But listen, I was talking to Alex and Maggie and we kind of agreed that... maybe you should sit this one out.'
'Oh. How nice that you guys agreed on something', I say sarcastically. I knew this was coming. Alex has been throwing me concerned looks all day and Maggie already asked me if I'm feeling up to it.
'Lara', Negan says in a condescending tone that pisses me off. 'You haven't been yourself. You can't freeze out there.'
'I won't', I snap, avoiding his eyes. He doesn't need to know that that's exactly what I was thinking about.
Negan lets out a frustrated sigh.
'I thought you hated violence. Why are you so eager to do this?'
'Of course I do, but I won't let all of you do this without me. There's already so few of us.'
'I think-'
'Stop it', I interrupt him. I don't want to hear another thing about it.'
'Just hear me out for a moment.'
I roll my eyes and throw up my hands agitatedly, but I don't protest.
'I think recent events have left you deeply traumatized. It keeps playing round and round in your head, doesn't it? I can see you drift off. I've heard you talk in your sleep. I see you wake up with tears on your face.'
'Ooh, you think I'm traumatized?' I snarl, my voice again dripping with sarcasm. 'Of course I'm fucking traumatized, genius, who isn't these days?'
'Jesus', he mutters tiredly, rubbing his eyes. 'All I'm saying is, some of us can handle these things better than others.'
'So I'm not handling my trauma's well? Did you get your psychology degree in prison or something?'
'I'm just trying to protect you', he says, ignoring my sneer.
'I don't need your protection', I bristle, pushing past him to get to the others. 'I was perfectly fine for 6 years without you and for 27 before I even met you.'
I look around furiously when he grabs my arm to pull me back, but stop my struggling somewhat when I notice the sad look in his eyes.
'I'm sorry I wasn't there for you', he says softly, looking deep into my eyes. I swallow and look away.
'I told you I don't need you', I mumble, not as convincingly as before.
'Well, has it occured to you that maybe I need you?' he replies. I look back up into his eyes and find myself at a loss of words. What is wrong with me? My emotions are all over the place. Yesterday, all I wanted was him and now that he's opening up to me, I'm pushing him away.
'I don't want to lose you', he adds, his voice low and husky. I surpress a shiver as his words reach me. For a second I just want to grab him and run in the opposite direction. Away from all this madness. Just me and him. But then I remember everything. Everybody.
'Let's make sure we both make it out, then', I say determinatedly, tugging my arm free. He doesn't stop me now and we both walk away to meet the others. I can feel his eyes burning om my back, but I don't turn around to look at him.
The others are waiting for us, fumbling with their masks, clearly not yet comfortable wearing them. Let's hope we never will be.
I notice Maggie shooting Negan a look and Alex frowning as he watches me take my mask from my jacket. Right, they discussed that I should just stay back. Well, it's not happening.
'Are we leaving?' I ask, making it clear that I won't be persuaded to stay behind.
'Yes', Maggie nods. 'If we're all ready?'
The group nods demurely and everybody adjusts their masks and checks their weapons.
I take a deep breath as I take my mask into my hands and I remember a girl wearing one just like it reaching out her hand to me to guide me through the herd.
Move like us.
I put on the mask.
---
There it is. Meridian. We already lured some of our enemies outside the walls and took them out, but now we'll be entering their grounds. I don't like violence. And I hate killing. But Maggie told me what these people did. They killed everyone they could get their hands on. Men, women, children... On our way here, we spotted Elijah's sister. Turned. She was just a kid...
So we have no choice but to take them out, do we? We need these supplies. And who knows, if we leave these people here, they could eventually find Alexandria and attack us. We have to take them out before they take us out. The plan might actually work. The Whisperers caught us by surprise when we first encountered them and now the same trick will work for us. Walking with the dead, we have almost reached the walls of Meridian.
But then... an explosion. I shriek when a bomb goes off not that far away from us and almost lose my balance. Fortunately, my noise gets drowned in the sounds of the explosion so the walkers pay me no mind.
Still, I press my hand against my mouth when I continue. We have no choice but to go on. If we turn around, they could see us. See that we are no walkers. As I stumble along with my heart in my throat, I notice one large walker is standing stock still. No, not a walker. Elijah.
I push through the throng of rotting bodies around me to get to him. I have been silently telling myself to keep going. To not freeze. I will help Elijah get through as well. Like Anna helped me on our escape from the Whisperers.
'Elijah', I whisper, taking his large hand. 'You can't stop. They'll see us.'
Another bomb goes off and I can feel him shake. I squeeze his hand and tug at it lightly.
'Just a little further', I urge him. 'We're almost at the gate.'
He doesn't respond. Just stands there, shaking, staring into space. I look around frantically for one of ours to help, but I don't see anyone. That's the bad thing about a great disguise, it works so well I can't even tell us apart from the walkers anymore.
'Elijah, please', I urge him. 'For your sister.'
To my relief, he finally turns his head to look at me. I can hardly see his eyes, but he nods. I smile at him reassuringly. Remembering only too late that he can't see it through the mask.
Together, we move through the horde. With the horde, towards the gates. Maggie and Gabriel will find a way to open them and let us in. We have to trust that they'll be able to do it. Daryl will be on the inside, helping us if he can. We get far, Elijah and I. But then there's another explosion. Close. Too close. Elijah grunts as he gets hit in the leg and almost falls to his knees. I try to hold him up, but he's too heavy.
'Shit', I curse.
But then someone else shows up at Elijah's other side and pulls him up before the walkers can notice that we don't move like them.
I let go to take out a walker that gets a little too curious as Negan supports Elijah. Then I turn back to look at him. He nods, indicating that we should keep moving. We're almost there, we just have to wait for a sign from Maggie. To know that we can get inside.
The sign is not subtle. A car crashes through the gates, pulling it off its hinges. While the horde starts to pour in, I push some walkers away to get to Negan. By his side I stare at Meridian, wishing fervently that we will make it out of those gates again.
'Stay close to me?' I ask Negan in a whisper.
'Always', he answers.