The morning afterward, I had a massive headache. I kept crying long after we had gone to bed. Everything felt like it was crashing down. I couldn't stop crying.
The others stayed with me though, and honestly, that's probably why I kept crying. People say a lot of things, but no one ever acts on those words. They did.
And ever since I woke up, someone has stayed with me. Old Blythe would've snapped at them—told them to leave me the hell alone, but now I welcome their company. I don't want to be by myself anymore.
I stay in Orion's bed most of the morning. The blinds are closed, and I'm laying down with my head pressed against Peter's stomach. He lays next to me, rubbing my head.
We've laid here since I woke up, and now I feel pathetic.
The emotions from last night have started wearing off, and now I feel exhausted, embarrassed, and panicked. I want to jump up, run around, and scream, but my body won't move. If the house caught fire, I would lay here and burn to death.
"Are you feeling better, Blythe?" Peter asks.
I nod, but don't say anything, and he goes back to rubbing my head. I hear the door open and then Sam says, "I have lunch. I brought crackers and ginger ale." I hear Sam walk in and place something on the nightstand.
"I'm not sick," I mumble.
"Yeah, I know." Sam sits down next to my back. "How are you feeling?"
I untangle myself from Peter and roll over to see Sam. "As great as anyone would feel after getting hit by a train."
Sam smiles. "That well, huh?"
"Just give me the food."
He chuckles and puts the plate on his lap.
I sit up, and he hands me the crackers. I eat them without further complaint because I am actually hungry. I guess crying will do that.
Sam and Peter stay silent while I eat the crackers and drink the ginger ale—even though I hate soda—because Sam insists that I do. I can feel their worried stares, but I just lean on Sam and ignore them. I would be worried about someone too if they spent their night crying their eyes out.
I finish the food, and Sam takes the plate and leaves. I flop onto Peter then.
He laughs. "Am I as comfy as Sam?"
I shrug. "Not really."
He laughs again and wraps his arms around me.
It still feels weird to me to have another person touch me—even in a nonsexual way. My brothers and I huddled close to each other during our late night talks, and sure my dad hugged me now and then, but on a daily basis, I was alone. Dad was always away on business trips, Cody and Collin hid away, and then Colt left. The only person I had was mom, and she's not one for touchy feely things.
Honestly, the only thing running through my head is how soft Peter's skin is. I can't stop running my hand up and down his arm.
My skin is probably rough and dry and scaly. I don't even know why he would want to touch me.
And what should I do? Do I hug him back? Do I hold his hand or something? Do I just lay here? I kinda just want to lay here. I don't feel like moving at all today. Or tomorrow. Or any day actually.
The door opens, and everyone piles into the room. I sit up as Jax hands me a bowl of ice cream. He sits next to me as Orion and Lincoln pile onto Peter's other side. Sam and Dev climb over us and get comfy. The TV turns on, and I immediately recognize the intro music. How To Train Your Dragon comes on, and I finally realize what's going on.
A warmth spreads through me, but it's a good kind. Something changes in me when I look at the others, but I don't know what it is. I like it though. I like them.
I take a bite of my chocolate ice cream and sit back to watch the movie.
.~:*:~.
I must've fallen asleep because when I open my eyes, only Jax is still here on the bed. He's scrolling through something on his phone, and I just watch him. He looks different now then when I first met him. Or I guess I never really looked at him like I am now. His blond hair shines in the sunlight, almost illuminating his face. It contrasts with the dark clothes he normally wears, but I think he makes it work. He actually looks... sexy?
"Are you going to keep staring at me all day?"
My eyes go to his, and I see that he's looking right at me.
For some reason, I feel hot.
I sit up and stretch, looking around the room, anywhere but at him. "Where is everyone?" My voice sounds tired, my eyes burn, and my chest hurts.
"They all went to get dinner. I volunteered to stay behind with you in case you woke up when they're gone."
"Oh." I rub at my eyes, suddenly feeling hurt. I shouldn't. They'll be back. But still.
Jax puts his phone down. "Since you are up, I have dinner duty for you. Anything you want. I can either make it for you or buy it."
"Oh, it's okay." I climb out of the bed. I wobble when I first stand up, but I ignore it and try getting out of the room. "It's fine. I'm fine. I'm gonna—" The room spins and maybe I'm falling, but my head is pounding, and I feel weird.
"Woah. Take it easy."
Jax picks me up bridal style, and I shove my face into his neck where it's dark. I squeeze my eyes shut and wait for the dizziness to pass.
"I don't feel so good," I mumble.
"I wouldn't think so. Crying that much isn't something to take lightly." He carries me to the kitchen and sets me down. "Can you stand now?"
I open my eyes to see his concerned ones. Then I look down and nod my head. He lets me go, and I hold onto the counter for support. I nod, and he backs away. He goes to the fridge and opens it.
"Let's get something in you before you fall over again. How does soup sound?" He looks back at me.
I smile and nod, trying to at least seem okay, but my head is pounding, my chest hurts to breathe, and there's a spot behind my right eyebrow that feels like someone is stabbing me.
Jax sees right through me though and comes over. In one swift move, he grabs my hips, lifts me, and sits me on the counter.
I look at him in confusion.
"You look like you're going to drop at any moment."
I look at him, but he doesn't move. He looks at me, and I'm suddenly aware of his hands on my hips and my legs on the sides of him. When did that happen?
And why is my heart pounding so violently?
Jax leans in until he's right in front of me. Our eyes don't leave each other. I can feel his breath on my lips. He glances down at my lips, and my breath hitches.
"Can I kiss you?" he breathes out, and before I can think about it, I nod.
He leans in and presses his lips to mine.
My eyes close, and everything in me relaxes. Still not used to kissing, I copy whatever Jax is doing as best I can. I try to put everything I have into the kiss. I feel his hands tighten on my hips, and he pulls me closer. My hands gently go to his shoulders, but he sucks on my bottom lip, and my hands tighten in his hair. My body heats up.
I'm so lost in the kiss that I don't hear the door open or the others coming into the kitchen.
"Are Blythe and Jax..."
"Quick, someone get a video."
"Leave them alone."
"Wow. I'm so jealous."
The kiss calms down until we break apart. I open my eyes and look at the others in the kitchen. They're all looking at us and embarrassment floods through me. I whine and hide my face in Jax's shoulder. I feel him laugh.
"Really guys? Way to ruin the moment."
"We bring food?"
My stomach chooses that moment to grumble, and my hand presses against my stomach to try to stop the sound. But Jax heard it.
"Good. Blythe and I are starving. What'd you bring us?"
"We went to that Mexican restaurant down the road," Sam says. "We brought you your normal three beef tacos. We didn't really know what Blythe wanted, so we got two beef tacos and two chicken tacos for him."
"Yes!" Jax says and tries getting away from me.
I whine again and grip him closer to me. There is no way in hell that I can face the others right now.
"Are you okay, Blythe?" Jax asks.
I shake my head.
"What's wrong?"
How do I explain the amount of embarrassment I feel right now? That's right. I can't. So I shrug.
"He's probably just embarrassed," Sam says.
I feel a blanket being placed over me and then another set of hands trying to get me away from Jax. "C'mon, Blythe. You and Jax need to eat. We have food for you."
I huff and let go of Jax, but I grab onto the blanket and keep it around me. I look at Sam's smiling face with a glare. "Food," I demand.
He holds out his hand. "Right this way, your highness."
I take his hand and hop off the counter. "It's 'your majesty', peasant."
He chuckles. "My apologies, your majesty."
I laugh, the embarrassment calming down, and sit down at the table to eat. Jax, Sam, and Orion join us, but the others go upstairs. Something about needing some "alone time." Though, it isn't alone time if they're all together.
I end up eating the chicken tacos because beef tacos are disgusting. The others are talking about something, but I feel weird for some reason. I really want to hug something. I get up, ignoring the others, and go grab a pillow from the couch. I go back to the table, hugging the pillow to my chest, and finish up my food. When I'm done, I rest my head on the pillow and close my eyes.
I open my eyes though when I feel a hand on my head and look up at Orion.
"How are you feeling, Blythe?"
I look away and think. How am I feeling? I don't really feel anything right now. I feel tired. Maybe relaxed?
"Better."
"That's good. Jax didn't take it too far?"
I feel my face heat up, and I look away, not answering his question. Also because I have no idea the answer to his question. I've always been the outsider, looking into relationships. I've read thousands of books and watched thousands of movies where the people I love learn to love each other. And that makes my heart happy, but it made me grow accustomed to never being the one in a relationship. This is still weird to me. Jax is weird to me. He wanted to kiss me. He asked to kiss me. I'm the one in the relationship this time, and it. Is. Weird.
"No," I say.
"Communication is important in any relationship, Blythe, but it's most important in this one. No one here wants to hurt anyone else, but they won't know that unless you tell us. Don't worry, though, we'll help you open up, and soon it'll become second nature."
I look up at Orion, then at Jax and Sam. My eyes go to the door to the basement and stay there. My heart starts pounding. "Um, I don't really know how... this is supposed to, like, work."
"This?" Orion asks. "Our relationship?"
I nod. "I've never been in one before, and I read a lot and watch movies and in the movies and books, there's only two people. Two people get together and fall in love." I take a breath. "I'm— Like— I mean— I don't know what to do. What am I supposed to do?" I feel them all staring at me and tears come to my eyes. I thought I would've cried all my tears by now, but I guess not. "Sorry." I get up and hurry around the table. "I'm an idiot. Sorry." I make it to the entrance when arms wrap around me, stopping me from moving.
"Blythe, you're not an idiot," Jax whispers. He pulls me back to the table and sits me down in his lap. It's weird because normally people sit in my lap—not the other way around. I'm pretty sure I am way too heavy for this.
"We're not going to judge you for speaking your mind or being confused about this," Orion says from across the table. "For you, this is new, and for everyone else who first came here, it was new to them too. Honestly, we're all sort of winging it. Whatever feels right. That's why communication for us is so important. There aren't movies or books who show what a polyamorous relationship looks like. To answer your question, just be yourself. Do whatever you want to do. If you want to kiss Jax in the kitchen, go for it, as long as both of you are consenting. If you want to be in this relationship but no touching of any kind, then do so. We're not here to force you to do anything you don't want to."
I finally look up at him. "Really?"
"Really, Blythe," Sam says with a smile.
I start crying, and I wipe at the tears going down my face. "Sorry," I say. "I don't know why I'm crying this time. I'm not sad anymore. I promise."
Jax grips me tighter and rests his head on my shoulder.
"That's good," Orion says. "While we're on the topic, is there anything you want to do? While you're in this relationship?"
I blink. "I don't know what you mean."
He gestures to Jax and I. "Like touching. Is what Jax is doing right now okay? Hand holding? Kissing? Sex?"
I feel my face heat up, but this time my rational thought kicks in, and I know the importance of me answering honestly. "This is okay." I start. "Hand holding is okay. Kissing... okay. But... slow." My mind flashes to the scars on my body. The ones that no one can see. "And— um." My mind battles on if I should say something or not. "No... touching," I swallow, "under clothes."
Jax kisses me on my cheek and grabs both my hands.
I blink my eyes open, not sure when I closed them, and realize that I was fidgeting so hard, I started bleeding.
Orion stands up, walks over, and kisses me on my head. "Understood, Blythe. Don't worry."
I have never felt so vulnerable in my life. I can feel it in my chest—the inevitable fear that they'll use this against me somehow.
But I trust them.
I trust them not to make fun of me or use this against me. They haven't given me a reason not to.
"I have a question," I say.
"Yeah?" Sam asks.
Orion left to do something, so it's just Sam, Jax, and I.
"How did everyone else act when they joined?"
Sam smiles, and I feel Jax laugh beneath me.
"It wasn't all sunshines and rainbows, if that makes you feel better," Sam says. "I came after Orion, Jax, and Dev, so I can't speak for them. But I was just as skeptical as you when I found out. I wasn't used to being loved by people, so it took me so long to accept it." He chuckles. "Lincoln, at first, everyone thought he hated us. He would hide in his room all the time and never really speak. I think he brought it up to use one day and asked to join."
"Lincoln did?" I interrupt, actually shocked. "He seems so much like a go-with-the-flow type of person."
"And he is. Except when he really wants something."
"I remember being so shocked when he told us," Jax cuts in.
Sam laughs. "Same. That was the first time someone figured it out without us telling." He thinks for a second. "I think Peter's the only one who basically just merged with us. I don't think we ever outright told him about our relationship."
"Yeah. He kinda just started making out with everyone, and no one stopped him," Jax says.
I nod my head. "I get that vibe from him."
Sam smiles at me. "You were definitely the most stubborn out of everyone."
"First to say no."
I hide behind my hands, offering no words in explanation.
"But you came around eventually," Orion says, randomly appearing back in the kitchen.
I nod, thinking about something else now. If we are technically in a relationship, don't couples go on— "Can we go on a date?"
"Did I hear someone say the word date?" Dev asks as he walks in, followed by Peter and Lincoln. Each has just showered. "Because I am so in. Who asked?"
"Blythe did," Jax says, and Dev whirls on me.
"Blythe did?! Oh my god, this is amazing! Look at baby Blythe. Taking the initiative. I'm impressed."
"Baby Blythe?" I ask bewildered.
"Sign me up," Peter says from the fridge.
"Baby Blythe?" I ask again, just as bewildered.
"Peter, we just had dinner," Sam shouts. "Get out of the fridge."
"Baby Blythe?"
"But I'm hungry still!"
"Then you should've eaten more dinner."
"Woah. Hey!" I shout.
Everyone looks at me.
"Baby Blythe?" I ask, looking at them. "I am not a baby!"
"Awe." Dev comes over and messes up my hair. "Guys, he thinks he's not a baby. That's adorable."
I spoof his hands away and glare at him.
He just laughs.
I lean back against Jax and watch the others interacting. I may have acted like that because that was my first reaction, but now that I think about it, I think I'm okay with being the baby. Not exactly the baby part, but the part where they all care. I've always been the adult one out of my brothers and I. Colt may have been the oldest, but he was the one who had the boyfriend who doted on him. I had no one who doted on me, so I've always been the one doting on others. It feels nice to be doted on for once. Also with my height. I've always been the taller one so people always assumed I was the adult one out of my friends. I was always the "strong" and "independent" one, and it was okay. I survived with those titles, but I think I like these titles too. It feels as if I don't have to hold the weight of the world on my shoulders alone anymore. They're all there, sharing some of it with me.