CHAPTER THREE
T
A week after my eighteenth birthday, I found myself dealing with conflicting feelings of wanting to despise my mother to a point of wanting to escape the country or make peace... and no I don't want to talk about it. What I want to talk about however is how an unfortunate situation freed me from my very first control freak girlfriend.
Mandy was a replica of her monstrous mother in every sense and my attraction to her was purely because of her drop-dead gorgeous appearance. Mandy Diale was the kind of girl who stopped traffic; literally. Whenever she was back from boarding school, boys gathered at street corners waiting for the moment she would step out of her parents' house. And I'd be lying through my teeth if I said it didn't give me great joy to know that every last one of those street corner boys knew Mandy stepped out of her house to come see me. I felt like a king up until Mandy was standing right next to me. In her presence, I was reduced to a boyfriend she knew was below her standard. In response I tried way too hard to prove myself.
While my friends spent their pocket money on games, alcohol and delicious take-aways, I saved mine for when the ever-so-demanding girlfriend would come around. Similar to her prima donna mother, Mandy's expansive taste in everything knew no boundaries. I suffered from things I couldn't name for three bloody years. The most important phase of a teen boy's life might I add.
A heavenly intervention came in a form of a person I personally don't consider godly or heavenly although many perceive him to be holier-than- thou. This person's attempts to get involved in our lives awakened a rebel in me. Best thing to ever happen to me. My first rebellious act led me to a heavenly youth gathering in a very charismatic denomination. Drove my mother crazy. The lively church services were spiritually uplifting and reviving but they also inspired the desire to explore. Something I was shunned from doing in my previous spiritual home. So with my new found freedom, I made the decision to never tie myself to another Mandy. My relationship with her turned me off the desire to commit to any other woman in any way, form or shape. So imagine my shock when mom called to say a lady by the name of Ellah claims I'm her child's father.
Next, I'll tell you about my first meeting with my very own son.
Z
Parental Instincts
When I was about twelve years of age, a Sunday school teacher summoned one of the mothers outside a church service and said, "one of your children just asked me why Joseph was such a pervert seeing as Mary was only 12 when she got with him"
I personally thought it was a fair question seeing as the school syllabus included lessons on protecting our bodies and reporting any and everything concerning our bodies to our parents without delay. We had been learning about sex, child birth and 'protecting ourselves' from STIs and STDs too. How one could catch them and what we needed to do to avoid falling prey to perverts, abusers and statutory rapists.
Upon hearing this information, the mother gasped then turned to her thirteen-year-old daughter and asked what's gotten into her. And while everyone listened to her explanation and got taken in by what seemed to be the most interesting thing to ever happen in church; I sat wondering how the woman knew which of her children asked the questions without being told.
*****
I should've been at work thirty minutes ago but destiny led me to mom's house. Kelly and I were meant to share a ride this whole week but I woke up with a strong urge to get here. Initially, I thought it was the guilt of not having made contact for over a week since I met Asa. I've been busy over thinking, analyzing and catching up on work because of my mental distraction. I worked my brain so much, my emotions got exhausted and stopped responding to the worries and fears my mind was generating.
With my body finally relaxed, I was able to join Kelly in our bed the night after our date with Asa but I stayed awake the whole night. Glaring at the dark of the night, pondering, calculating, visualizing, predicting then dispelling everything I've mentally built to convince myself that I am a father of two living children. And just when I thought I had finally relaxed enough to sleep, my mind repeated the whole cycle of thoughts all over again.
Last night was actually the first night I dosed off immediately after hitting the pillow and I woke up feeling like I should be home. I once had this feeling when Tendai called me soon after we moved from home. I was rushing to a business administration class but when news of mom not feeling well reached me, I got that adrenaline rush feeling that makes you want to drop everything and hurry somewhere. Today the feeling was very subtle up until I hit the road. My plan was to go to work then drive past home in the early evening but the urge leading me to mom's house grew stronger and took over my body.
*****
I couldn't help but wish to see Asa step outside dancing to the beat of his own excitement like he did when we first met. A grown man appears from the door instead and looks my way - clearly trying to see where the beep came from. I don't know him and seeing him casually look over the gate makes me uncomfortable. Mom steps out almost as soon as the stranger looks away. Mom approaches me even as I'm still parking the car and I just know she's dying to verbally spit out whatever is in her mind. My foot had not even touched the paved ground when mom began to hurriedly tell me how Asa's step father had arrived unexpectedly to take him back home against his will.
Without responding to her I close in on the man who's also making his way to my car pulling Asanda by his clearly unwilling hand. "What's going on here?" I ask working really hard to sound in control. Asa looks like he wants to cry but is internally fighting tears from spilling. This scene disturbs my spirit because I'm not sure if he's resisting showing emotions out of fear or because he was taught boys don't cry. I then look down at him with a little smile after asking the question then touch the top of his head as a way of acknowledging him. That seems to do the trick because as I move my hand away, a tear drop spills.
"He says he's legally responsible for Asa since he's been raising him since birth" mom repeats the last line of the five she gave me when I stepped out of the car.
I extend my hand to the obviously annoyed man and he gives me the weakest and shortest hand shake ever. He's also chewing a tooth pick, might I add. Without trying to sound civil he tells me Asa needs to return to school the next day then demands we bring him his belongings. Taking instructions from strangers never sits well with me so I wasn't about to start doing it with this man who was clearly on a mission that had no sensitivity or care for this child. Having decided I was done addressing the rude skinny guy, I again looked at Asa and asked, "Do you want to go back to your mother and him?"
"I want to stay with you, dad" he shoots back so quickly - like he was expecting the question. I then look up at the man who tries to intimidate the little boy by giving him a look I don't understand. Asa looks away and I jump in immediately. "The child is staying with his blood family now please let go of his hand." Slowly and reluctantly, he lets go. This guy is clearly a street smart thug with a reputation and I know the only reason he's not gone aggro on me is because of the physical advantage I clearly have over him. What he doesn't know is that my muscles have zero experience in manhandling anyone let alone beating up a person.
With a defeated but angry look he then demands every cent he spent raising Asanda. I tell him I'll think about it as soon as he's provided me with a list of every item he's paid for with the exact amount next to it. I then proceed to make it clear that I never want to deal with him personally and that the mother of the child will have to deliver the list and mediate between us if it gets to that.
This will also give me an opportunity to see this woman I suspect might be a baby mama of mine, but I don't say that part of course. Mom opens the gate with her remote control and we both stare at him as an indication that we're done. Asa holds my hand as step-dad gets into his over-pimped Gusheshe parked across the street. The green thing slowly rolls down the road before he kick-starts it and it farts out white smoke.
As I sit across the now seemingly happy child, I wonder how my spirit knew to come here at this precise time. What would've happened had I not shown up?
T
I never show up at my mother's house on a Saturday no matter what. I have no flippin' clue on which sixth day of the week in the month the special financial meeting happens so avoidance is my safest bet. My newly discovered son was dropped off on a Friday afternoon but it was only on Sunday morning that I made my way to the quiet neighbourhood of Boldburg to officially meet him. Mom asked if I was excited about the news and to be frank, I wasn't. I wasn't sad either.
Emotionless, unbothered and unaffected fit the perfect description of my feelings about the discovery and first meeting with my son. Mom had suggested we meet at her church but I would rather chew sand. So I opted to revisit an old habit to kill time till the church service is over. The snooker table almost replaced my real friends in my early twenties and abandoning it took therapy.
Yes, I had to see a mind doctor to stop myself from spending half of every night at Beezoz pub.
My studies suffered alongside my health thanks to the hours I spent bent on the addictive table in the chilling weather conditions of winter. Five years later, I feel confident I can pull myself away after five rounds and I surprise myself and walk away after just two.
The bar man also tempted me with a second stubby of my favourite beer and I paused for a good number of seconds. Alcohol is the one addiction I'm recovering from that I have refused to cut off completely. On a good weekend I'll have a glass a day but on a party kind'a weekend I poison my body with at least five 250ml bottles.
Then there's the really quiet weekends that have me reminiscing on the not so good parts of my life. And it's really the little-lest of things that trigger my darkest thoughts. Like the time I walked into a super market and heard the song 'Mandy' by Westlife.
I reached eight glasses that Saturday alone and spent the rest of the week hating myself for allowing her to have that kind'a hold on me.
*****
Knowing the short service will be over soon, I headed home and waited while attempting to put together a puzzle on the dining room table. It must have at least five hundred pieces that can keep one busy for half a year. Makes me think of the nine piece puzzle my third grade teacher once asked me to assemble in front of the class. I almost got it right but my half-a-minute was up before I could join the last two pieces and I've replayed that memory in my mind a hundred times. Trying to figure out what I could've done differently to finish on time.
"Look who's here Asanda!" my mother bursts in excitement, bringing me back from my reveries. "Hello ma" I say hugging her and at that moment, Asanda appears from the kitchen. I haven't seen Ellah in nine years but I immediately recall exactly how she looked like from just seeing the little boy. Big brown eyes and long lashes like his mother. "Hello boy" I say lowering myself to his level and extending my hand for a shake.
The child is beautiful and resembles someone I know. Not me though. He gives me his hand and asks if I'm Tendai - his father. Confidently I tell him I am his father because I recall very well how Ellah refused to even go on dates with other boys nine years ago. She let me keep seeing Mandy while she patiently waited for Christopher to notice her, which never happened. The only way I would've had any doubt of paternity would be if this child was younger than eight.
I know he's mine and I want to be overjoyed about it but my emotions are on slow motion. I pull out a hundred rand note from my wallet and hand it to him and he smiles then says "you need to call my mother so that I can give it to her. She'll need it to travel to work". Unbidden, my eyes find mom's and I find her staring back. "Why would you say that, Asa?" mom wastes no time asking after quickly breaking eye contact from me. "Her rent went up and she used her travelling money to cover it, that's why. Will you call her dad?" After promising to do as he says, he hands me back the note then runs off to re-join a friend I'm only noticing now.
"They met at church" mom explained unprovoked.
After a lengthy discussion with my mother which mostly included hints of paternity tests, I get Ellah's number from Asanda and request for her banking details. Naturally, she wants to know why I need them and I lie, telling her it's for the child's school fees which I am taking over with immediate effect. "Why are you not angry with me, Tendai?" she asks justifiably seeing as she did wrong me. Keeping a child from their father is unfair and evil to a certain extent. "I am" I lie again "but we'll deal with that later. Right now I need to catch up with taking care of my offspring" I state plainly. And against my mother's wish, I immediately deposit a thousand to the baby mama then promise Asanda I'll be back soon and leave. He doesn't seem to care and continues playing catch with the new pal.
Driving out I can't help but smile at the situation. My feelings are finally starting to catch up. I am a father of a beautiful boy. I have a baby mama I have to send money to and I love it. I love that boy who looks like his mother...no. He looks like Notho!
Z
A motivational coach who MCed a work conference I attended a year ago had spoken about how things we focus our energy on expand. Case in point, people who are depressed become even more depressed merely because they put most of their energy and focus on what depresses them.
At that time, I had thought of how I once fell completely in love with FILA brands at age sixteen. I even annoyed mom to promising me a pair of FILA sneakers for my seventeenth birthday. I loved that brand so much, I even had dreams torturing, enticing and teasing my deep seated desire to own any clothing item from the label.
A week later, I went to see a school mate at their house and he stepped out wearing a FILA sweater with a hoodie. Broke my heart. And on the very same day while walking back home, I bumped into a girl, three years younger than me, spotting a FILA dress and a cap. She looked beautiful but my anger fuelled with jealousy couldn't admit that at the time. Soon I was seeing FILA everywhere and not just in my dreams.
It was on magazines, television, people on the streets and most painfully, in my mind and dreams which had turned into nightmares.
And like déjà vu, everything around me right now seems to be a reminder of my worry and fear. While leaving the gas station the other day, a man who had parked next to me called out to his toddler boy to put his head back into the car. "Asanda, stop sticking your head out!" he shouted, prompting me to look at the child and wonder how our Asanda was like at three or four years.
Back at the office, I needed to use the internet search engine to research a potential client's company and every time I typed a word starting with alphabet 'D' google would suggest I search for DNA. When I was done with my research I found myself giving in to google's suggestion only to discover there is a big current affairs story of a child who was stolen from a Transkei village a year ago. A woman who had moved into a new neighbourhood thought it too strange for the next door baby to strongly resemble her former neighbour, whose child mysteriously disappeared. After ringing the alarm, authorities acted swiftly and a DNA test was done and the truth laid bare for the media to go crazy over.
And after deciding to give myself a day off to rest my over worked brain, I found myself lazing on the couch, scrolling the many T.V channels I pay for but never watch because of work and what do I discover? A paternity court show!
I don't know if this is the universe's way of telling me to shift my focus to other important things like Kelly and our child or if it's a sign that Asa is mine. Maybe I should do a DNA test just so I know for sure. Even if I don't share the findings.
I never actively thought about the law of attraction after that work conference but after the ice skating date; I find myself recalling even the names of the original quoters.
-What you focus on expands - Esther Jno-Charles
-Efficiency and focus are key to success - Robert Crais
-We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit - Will Durant
If the last quote is anything to go by, then I'm headed for disaster with my recently developed habits of constant worry, fear and anxiety.
T
I set my alarm clock earlier than usual to meet my twin at Asanda's new school today but I'm slightly irritated by it. Sure, I'm thrilled about being a father but I think my body hasn't caught up yet because it's kind of angry with me for jump starting it at 04:30 am. Driving all the way to Boldburg requires I hit the road early to avoid being stuck in traffic so I waste no time getting in and out of the shower.
Zanda and I spent an hour talking on the phone yesterday and he's worried about the late registration. Mom is stressing over uniform and school stationery and I'm nerve wrecked by my meeting with Ellah later today. I hadn't meant it when I told her I was angry about her hiding my son from me but after confirming our meeting last night, I really got angry. How could she do this to me? To her own child? I know we weren't anything but fuck buddies but that doesn't justify her keeping my son and I apart.
What gets me the most is the fact that she obviously put my child through struggle. I can't even gift my son with cash without him thinking of helping out with adult responsibilities. The thought of that memory got me so worked up I ended up having to blow my nose three times from crying. I resent Ellah for her actions and I plan on telling her exactly what I think of her when we finally meet today. Mom was right about not gifting her with money. I don't owe her a thing after what she did to me. Moving forward, Asanda's needs will be taken care of by me and I want full custody. If she could keep my child away for nine years then I have no issues balancing off the situation by keeping him away from her for an equal amount of years. Asanda can decide after that if he wants to rekindle his relationship with his mother. He'll be an adult anyway.
*****
I can't believe my eyes but traffic is already building up at ten to six. It's flowing but I'm not breezing through like I thought I would when I left the house. I make it home at half past six exactly and walk in to find Zanda watching news while having coffee. I didn't expect to find him here.
"Equal!" I boom, effectively breaking his focus from the flat screen. We hug like we haven't seen each other in years when it's actually been six months or so. He never responded to my text informing him of the arrival of Asanda so I call him out on that but all he seems interested in is talking about is my love life.
"I know you've been seeing other women, Tendai. How come you haven't settled?"
Well, that's easy. Thanks to the experiences I had with my very first lover, I know I have no desire what so ever to be controlled mentally and emotionally. I don't have the energy to prove myself to any woman and I like spending my money on me. "You have a son now" Zanda cuts in right after the money line. "Of course but he's my son so that will be like spending money on me still" I counter back.
"Hello daddy" comes a sweet voice we're all starting to get used to and we both focus our attention to it. His eyes stay on Zanda as he comes closer to us and for the first time I wonder if he can tell us apart. Zanda encourages him to hug me too after getting his share first and the child complies. He's wearing blue jeans and a sweat shirt which are clearly new. Mom must be enjoying being a granny and that pleases me. Mostly because it's confirmation that she's finally realised what I intrinsically knew; Asanda is mine biologically.
And as if on cue, the grandmother appears with a bowl of cereal and summons the boy to the dining room table but Asanda wants to sit with my dad. A laugh escapes me as my suspicions get confirmed. Asanda is confusing me with my twin which is expected and funny at the same time. "We need to find a way of helping him tell us apart" I suggest. "Let's start right now. Asanda, go to your father" Zanda says pointing at me.
Z
Whoever taught mom to take pictures with her smart phone would've gotten a kick in the butt from me today if I knew who they were. The proud granny jumped out of the car first and started snapping pictures of Asanda's 'first day' at school which isn't really his first day. The boy is a fifth grader who's starting at a new school on a second term. Even he wasn't overjoyed by the experience and I completely comprehend. Unforeseen circumstances recently tore him away from his mother, old school and friends but mom is clearly oblivious of that fact.
She's always been a little inappropriate at times.
Tendai held his hand till we got to the clerk at the front desk who was either taken in or shocked by Tendai and I's strong resemblance to each other. And while mom and I ensured that all the necessary documents were emailed by his former school, Asa quietly studied his new surroundings while firmly holding on to Tenda's hand. When his register teacher finally came for him, we requested to walk with them to class and she allowed us. Like the clerk, the teacher is thinking of feeling something about my twin and I.
Failing to read the child's nerves, mom was now taking a video, telling Asa to communicate his joy for his new school. "How wonderful is your new school, Asa?" she sing-songly asked like she was a television reporter. The poor boy mumbled a few words then thankfully we were at the door of his new classroom.
To spare him the embarrassment of being labelled a sissy boy, whose whole family accompanied him on his first day; Tendai and I briefly hugged him while giving words of encouragement before the teacher opened the door. Knowing mom all too well, Tendai made sure to hold her back when the teacher led Asa in. The woman was ready to have the bloody camera phone trail behind the child as he walked in the room. Imagine. I didn't even care that she was upset for being pulled back like a child. Asa's reputation needed saving and I'm glad he had us present or his grandmother would've messed up his whole year with one act of excitement.
I don't know why, but I found myself teary as I drove out of the school.