"Don't act like you have been a saint all this time."
Every time I want to feel hurt, it pops inside my mind that I was the one who left. And surely, ibabato niya iyon sa akin. Alam ko dahil kilala ko siya.
"Kailan ba ako nagsinungaling sa 'yo?" Marco hissed. I stared at him, taking his anger in. "Friends don't lie, huh?" he threw back the words I told him yesterday..
"We're not friends," I hissed back. Those were his words.
Ngumiti siya nang sarkastiko. "Right, we're exes. And ex's lies... My ex lies. All the time." Nag-aalab ang galit niya sa 'kin.
Bago pa may makasalita ulit sa aming dalawa ay nagbukas na ang elevator at may pumasok na mga nagchichismisang nurses. Kinuha ko ang oppurtunidad na iyon na lumabas kaagad, muntikan pang maipit kung hindi hinarang ni Marco ang kamay para bumukas iyon ulit.
"Stop following me."
He didn't listen. I can feel his presence behind me kahit na palakad-lakad na ako sa hallway, hindi alam kung saan nais tumungo. Gusto ko lang malayo muna sa kaniya. Naguguluhan ako lalo.
"Stop following me," I repeated, firmer.
"Sabi ko sa 'yo hindi kita titigilan hanggang sabihin mo sa akin ang totoo," seryosong sabi niya sa 'kin. "Bakit ba ayaw mong umamin? Why do you keep running away from me? Bakit ba gusto mo akong palaging ipagmukhang... tanga?" His voice cracked a bit, making me halt from my tracks.
I wanted to speak, but my voice betrayed me. Nilingon ko siya. Nagtitigan lang kami. He was looking at me with disappointment in his eyes.
Disappointment. I disappoint him.
"Doctor Saldova, hanap ka na po ni Doctor Sia para sa operasyon." May humintong lalakeng nurse sa tabi namin, hinihingal pa dahil mukhang nagmamadali sa paghahanap sa kaniya.
Wala siyang nagawa. Duty calls. It always comes first. Binigyan niya ako ng isang seryoso ngunit may bakas ng sakit na tingin bago naglakad paalis.
I do know where all his anger and frustration were coming from. From his parents' and siblings' problems, to how I left him, to his brother being jailed due to stealing from his own best friend, to me hiding our child. And surely, he has more problems which I know nothing about.
When he was out of sight, my lips quivered and I broke down. I leaned on the wall and slid down. I allowed myself to take everything in. I allowed myself to be weak... I allowed my heart to feel.
Hindi... hindi pwedeng ganito ako palagi. Dahil alam ko sa sarili ko na ako lang ang gumugulo sa sitwasyon namin.
Umaga at hapon, trabaho ang inaatupag ko. Hindi lang sa kaso ni Cali. Sa ibang clients ko pa. My nights were for my daughter. My midnights were still for reading cases. I wasn't resting. I didn't want to.
"When will I see Dada again, Ma?" Kie asked with a smile before biting her sliced green apple.
"Dada is still busy, love. But you will see him again soon, okay? It's also dangerous to go outside now. You know about Momma's work..." I slowly explained.
"Okay, Momma!" Ngumiti siya sa akin. Nakahinga ako nang maluwag. Buti na lang marunong na siyang umintindi. She then pointed the bowl of strawberry. "Can I have one, Ma? Is it yummy?" curious niyang tanong.
"Yes, it is! This is called strawberry." Kumuha ako at pinakita sa kaniya iyon. "You know your favorite pink ice cream? This one is the flavor!" Nag-usap pa kami tungkol sa ice cream. Nagtanong pa siya kung bakit pula itong prutas pero iyong ice cream pink. Sinagot ko naman lahat hangga't sa kaya ko.
My biggest case was the one against the Valmoridas. Lahat ng pagkasiphayo ko roon ko binaling. Mahirap silang talunin. Kapit kung kapit sa kung saan-saan ang mayroon sila kaya kahit libong pamilya pa ang magsampa ng kaso sa kanila, nakakatakas sila.
But I had no pity and I was so desperate that I'd do everything to get rid of them. I was desperate not only to put them behind bars... but I was desperate to stop feeling and be heartless for a moment. I wanted to have no mercy.
"Dura lex sed lex. These animals will rot in jail. Are you excited? Because I fucking am." I clicked my tongue against my teeth. Nasa hospital kami ni Esme and Cali. Paniguradong mayamaya lang, makikita ko na naman si Marco.
"Thank you, Ica."
"That's a 'yes', right? Excited ka?" Tumingin ako kay Esme para magpakampi.
"Ewan ko sa 'yo," mataray niyang sagot.
I faked a gasp. "Rude, preggy! Whatever! Let's go to a spa after all of this is over. Gosh, I feel like my hair is growing white na dahil sa kasong 'to!" Ginulo ko ang buhok ko bago sumandal sa balikat ni Cali, nakatingin sa higaan ni Manu. "He will wake up, Cal..."
"Will he?" she returned.
"You don't sound like yourself." Why...why was she suddenly losing hope? If it was me, kapanipaniwala dahil negative akong tao. I think of the worst. But Cali was a ball of sunshine, even at the most darkest time. Kaya bakit naggi-give up na siya?
"How do I sound like?" Nagbadya ang luha sa mga mata niya.
"You sound like you're giving up. You're not hoping. You're starting to have negative thoughts. That's surely not the Cali I know." Pareho kaming hindi-makapaniwala ni Esme.
"Oy, gagi, mayroong raisin cookies sa shop! Ayos!" Tuwang-tuwa si Jericho pagkapasok sa hospital room, oblivious sa kaganapan namin dito.
Natigilan siya sa pagnguya nang napansin na iyon. Dinaluhan niya agad si Cali, natulak pa ako dahil sumiksik siya sa gitna namin.
"Oy, ba't ka umiiyak? Bawal iyak dito! Sige ka, hindi kita bibigyan ng cookies!" pananakot niya.
Cali laughed a bit and uttered, "Katumbas ba ng cookies ang kaligayahan ko para sa 'yo?"
Nagtawanan kami at pilit siyang pinasaya. Mga six o'clock, dumating na ang family ni Manu kaya umalis na kaming tatlo ni Esme at Echo.
"Ica, bridesmaid ka sa wedding namin, ah." Esme clung on my arm and rested her head on my shoulder.
"Mahal ko," Jericho called, gesturing his arm.
"No, I want Ica. She smells like a baby. Ikaw, baho." Esme shook her head with a disgusted expression.
"Hoy?! Bawiin mo iyan! Limang beses mo na kaya akong pinaligo ngayong araw tapos mabaho pa rin?!" Hindi tanggap ni Jericho.
I laughed. I remembered I was like that when I was pregnant with Kie. Sensitive sa smell. Second pregnancy na pala niya.
"Wedding?"
"Yes, when Manu wakes up. We don't want to get married in this situation. I'm just informing you so you can prepare. Bawal mo akong takasan." Pinaningkitan ako ng mga mata ni Esme.
Napakamot ako sa ulo ko. "Esme..." Mas sumingkit lang ang mata niya, nagbabanta. Echo chuckled while pointing at my face. Napatango na lang ako kaya pumalakpak si Esme.
"Oy, tol!" sigaw ni Echo nang nakita si Marco. Marco was talking to a beautiful nurse and they were laughing. "Hindi namansin. 'Di 'wag. 'Di naman siya special. Akala mo naman sikat siya..." Masama agad ang loob niya dahil 'di pinansin ng best friend.
"Who's that?" natanong ko iyon bigla sa kanila.
"The woman? Si Gabby," Esme answered.
"Bagong girlfriend ni Maki," seryosong dugtong naman ni Jericho. I felt myself freeze.
"Don't lie!" Hinampas siya ni Esme sa leeg bago ako tiningnan. "Walang girlfriend si Maki, Ica. Don't believe this man! Gabby is just his childhood friend! Gosh naman!"
"Childhood friend na may kaunting landian," pangbubuking ni Jericho kaya nakatanggap na naman siya ng sapak kay Esme. "Babe, ha! Hindi ako natutuwa," he warned jokingly.
Tulala akong nagtungo sa coffee shop to buy myself a cup of strong coffee because I felt so sleepy. I have been awake for almost two whole days. Hindi ako makatulog, kahit idlip.
Why did I think he wouldn't find another woman? It honestly shouldn't bother me because... I don't love him anymore. I left for that main reason...
Did I really?
"Fuck! What the fuck! Why are you not look-"
"Oh my gosh! It's so hot-"
Sabay kaming nagsalita kaya tumingin kami sa isa't isa, parehong iritadong. Marco. Sabi ko na ba magkikita na naman kami nito nang malapitan! Ugh! Palagi na lang may involved na coffee at banggaan! Ang dami ko ng paso!
"Bakit ba hindi mo sinasagot ang tanong ko?" Hinabol niya ako noong mabilis akong lumabas sa café. Right! He won't stop!
"I have nothing to answer, Doctor." Madali kong binuksan ang pintuan ng sasakyan ko.
Npasinghap ako nang hinatak niya ang palapulsuhan ko kasabay ng pagsara ng pinto ng kotse ko. "Huwag mo akong ma doctor-doctor diyan. Hindi ako nakikipaggaguhan sa 'yo," giit niya.
"Let me go."
"The same way you did with me?"
"Why can't you just leave, Marco?"
"Because I'm not you," mariin na sabi niya.
I knew he was going to throw that at me. I knew from the start. I knew him too well.
I pushed him, frustrated. Gusto kong kausapin siya kapag klaro na ang utak ko para maipaliwanag ko nang maayos. Hindi ganito na wala akong tulog, walang eksplenasyon, at puno ng cases ang utak ko.
"So tell me, Prosecutor Marquez. Were you fucking other men while we were together?"
Nagpintig ang tenga ko sa akusasyon niya at hindi nagdalawang-isip na sampalin siya. I can accept his other hurtful words... but not this one. I may have... lost my love for him... but when we were together, I did love him with every piece of my heart. Napagod ako. Natakot. Nawala sa sarili kaya umalis. Pero hindi ko siya niloko.
"Bakit ka ba galit sa akin? Bakit mo ako... iniwan? Sinisisi mo ba ako sa kapalpakan mo? Hindi ko kasalanan kung bakit ka bumagsak, Ica."
That was it... It brought all the pain back too quickly. For some reason, I just can't get over that moment. Because that was the moment where we started losing ourselves as we drifted apart.
"Sorry... because I kept it from you. She's... She's yours. God, Marco, I'm sorry..." I was just so frustrated and tired of faking it that I... gave in.
"Then why do you keep on lying, Ica?" Puno ng sakit ang boses niya. "Ano ba'ng ginawa ko sa 'yo para saktan mo ako ng dalawang beses?"
"I'm sorry..." Wala, eh. That was all I could offer.
"You owe me a fucking explanation, Ica..." Napasandal siya sa 'kin, nanghihina.
"I know... I know, but please can you give me a little time to put all of it into words?" I pushed him so we can talk face-to-face. I wiped my tears using the back of my hand. "I know... Makapal na kung makapal pero wala pa, eh. My mind is clouded. I want to answer every question you have properly..."
Natawa siya nang sarkastiko. "Tama ka. Ang kapal mo nga," he agreed.
"Please... Ipapanalo ko muna itong kaso ni Cali. Malapit na. Please..." I begged. I promised Manu that I'd win this case for them from the very beginning.
"Tangina naman, Zy, oh!" Napagulo siya sa buhok niya, hindi tinatago ang inis. I can clearly see how he opened and closed his fist to calm himself down.
"Marco-"
"I do get it! This case is fucking important to you because it is to me since Cali is my sister already! Pero tangina, pwede bang-" Tumigil siya at pumikit, mukhang natauhan sa galit niya. "Pwede bang ako muna ang unahin mo? Mahirap ba iyon? Kahit ngayon lang... Kahit isang araw lang... Sagot mo lang naman ang kailan ko, oh." He sounded so desperate.
Napapikit ako. "Fine... Fine."
We rode his car. Ang tahimik namin. I expected to ask immediately but he was still playing with his lower lip, like he was calming himself.
"Ano'ng nangyayari?" tanong ko nang biglang huminto ang sasakyan niya sa daan. Hindi niya ako sinagot at napapikit, nagtitimpi. Napatingin ako sa may screen sa manibela. "What the fuck! Ubos na gas mo?!"
"Hindi ka naman siguro bulag."
"Unbelievable! Hindi mo man lang tiningnan?! Are you crazy?!"
"Oo," he replied sarcastically, opening his phone.
"I told you, that we should use my car pero pinilit mo itong car mo na walang gas! Kabwisit ka!" sininghalan ko siya, tumitingin sa paligid. "Oh my gosh! Ang dilim pa rito! Bilisan mo nga tumawag diyan!"
"Walang signal, Madam," sarkastikong sabi niya ulit. "Malas... Bwisit."
Napahinga ako nang malalim. Lalabas sana ako pero hindi ko mabukas ang pinto. "Did you put me on child's lock, Marquenzo?! Ine-expect mo bang tatalon ako?! And in this place?! It's dark! At kahit tumakbo ako, kaya mo akong mahuli!"
Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. Tinaasan niya ako ng kilay. Alam ko namang may kasalanan ako sa lalakeng ito pero tangina niya! He's unbelievable!
"Sino ba'ng nagsabing hahabulin kita kung tumakbo ka? Gusto mong umalis. Umalis ka." Inirapan niya ako bago bumaba para buksan ang pinto ko.
Kalma, Ica. You're the one at fault. Do not equal his anger.
Hindi ako lumayo. Nakahawak lang ako sa pinto, nagpapahangin para kumalma. Nagsisismula na rin akong gumawa ng konkretong eksplenasyon sa isipan ko.
"Oh." Inabutan niya ako ng bottled water. "Oh." He shoved it again towards me, impatient.
"I'm not thirsty," pagtanggi ko at binalik ang tingin sa mga puno. Ang dilim talaga.
"'Di 'wag." Sumandal siya sa kotse niya at ininom ang tubig na inaabot niya sa akin. I took a few steps away from him, waiting for a car to pass by. "Ano'ng pangalan niya?" he started to ask.
"Venice Aqeila Marquez," I answered.
"Birthday?"
"February seventeen."
"Pareho kami date, ah. Iba lang buwan." Napangiti siya.
"Yup, September ka," sabi ko.
"Naaala mo pala..." Umiwas siya ng tingin, umiinom sa bote ng tubig.
"Of course, I remembered." Why will I forget about it?
"Pwedeng idagdag apilyedo ko sa pangalan niya?" Marco suddenly flashed me a genuine smile when he looked back at me.
"Gusto mo?"
Agad na nahulog ang ngiti niya at pumalit ang simangot. "Magtatanong ba ako kung hindi? Hindi ako nanggu-good time rito." Inis kaagad siya.
"Bwisit ka pa rin hanggang ngayon, Beaumont." I rolled my eyes at him.
"Sensya, Madam, ha." All of him screamed sarcasm. "Aqeila, Zychela. Magkalapit. Saan akin doon?"
I furrow my brows. "Huh? Kailangan ba mayroon?" Required ba iyon?
"Mayroon sa 'yo, eh."
"So? Ikaw ba nagluwal?" I threw at him with a brow arched.
"Sabi ko nga. Damot," he whispered to himself, scratching his nose.
"I heard that," I informed.
"Oh, kwento mo sa hotdog," walang kwentang sagot niya. "Kilala niya ba ako?"
"Nakilala ka nga sa hospital, 'di ba?" I stated sarcastically.
Nagtitigan kami roon, parehong nakasimangot at iritado. Alam namin na ang tanga ng pagsasagutan namin. We were on top of each other's head.
"Buti hindi mo ako tinago sa kaniya," he said calmly.
"Ba't naman kita itatago?" I tried to equal his tone. Wala kaming mapapala kung hindi kami willingly magko-cooperate sa isa't isa.
"Ewan. Mahilig ka magtago. Tinago mo nga siya sa akin."
"Magkaiba iyon."
"How so?" Tinaasan niya ako ng kilay bago sinara ang pintuan ng sasakyan at nagtungo sa akin.
"May malay ka. Siya wala," pagrarason ko.
Bahagya siyang natawa sabay batok sa ulo ko. "Baliw!"
"Ouch! I was just kidding! You don't have to hit me!" I complained, trying to hit him back. "Peste ka..." Siniko ko pa siya sa dibdib bago lumayo nang kaunti at baka gumanti pa 'to.
"Ginawa mo namang ano ang anak natin." Tumatawa pa rin siya.
Pinaningkitan ko siya ng mata. "Ginawang ano?"
"Basta. Hindi ko maisip ang term." He waved his hand dismissively. Nagpamaywang siya at ang isang kamay ay nagsimulang buksan ang butones niya, mukhang naiinitan.
"Ignorant?" I guessed the word.
"Ang talino mo talaga. Bumobo ka lang sa part na iniwan mo ako," pagbibiro niya. Hindi na ako nagtaka sa words niya. "Joke. Hindi nga pala tayo close," bigla niyang binawi.
Ismid lang ang naibigay kong reaksyon. Binawi pa talaga kahit na obvious naman na he meant those words. Tama naman siya. Bobo nga ako sa pag-iwan ko sa kaniya... Our relationship wasn't a perfect one because there's no such thing as perfect people... But we did try to be our best for each other. I tried.
Sinubukan kong umupo sa taas ng hood ng kotse niya. But since my arm was still in real pain, I couldn't carry my weight.
"Need help?" Iyan na naman siya.
"I can manage." I really can't!
"Sa loob ka na lang umupo. Mahulog ka pa diyan, eh."
"Mainit doon."
"Buksan mo ang pinto?" patanong na suggest niya na parang sinasabing 'hindi mo ba iyon naisip?'
"Mainit pa rin," paninindigan ko.
Napairap siya saka umiling. "Lahat naman mainit sa 'yo. Kaya ang laki ng bayarin ko dati sa apartment. Puro ka kasi aircon. Pwede maningil? Kahit ilang libo lang, oh. Sige na," may sama na loob na sabi niya sa 'kin.
Napasinghap ako at tinuro ang sarili ko. "Ako?! Excuse me! Minsan lang ako natutulog sa apartment mo! Ikaw ang parating natutulog sa apartment ko! Bill ko sa tubig before sobrang laki dahil wala kang ibang ginawa kung hindi maligo!" pagpasa ko pa. Napaisip tuloy ako na puntahan iyong apartment bigla. May maintenance naman ako sa house cleaning noon kaya sure akong malinis.
"Gusto mo ba talaga magsingilan tayo rito ngayon? Mas madami akong masisingil sa 'yo. At hindi iyon pera."
Instead of saying a comeback, I turned around and tried to lift myself again. He held the sides of my waist to help me but immediately let go when I was settled down.
"Pwede makita ulit mukha ni Kie? Hindi ko kasi masyadong na titigan dahil gulat pa ako." He scratched his jaw using a finger, bothered. "Pakita. Baka bigla akong maiyak sa ganda ng anak natin, eh 'di nagmukha pa akong tanga?"
"Mukha ka naman talagang tanga," pambabara ko.
Umirap lang siya habang kinakagat ang ibabang labi niya, pinipigilan ang sarili gumanti. I opened my cellphone to show him our baby's picture. I had the most recent one. It was the both of us so I zoomed in on Kie before giving Marco the phone. Titig na titig kaagad siya roon.
"Kamukhang-kamukha mo. Naawa pa ang diyos at binigay ang mata ko, ha?" His gaze suddenly became soft. "Buti na lang hindi ka pango. Safe."
Agad ko siyang hinampas sa balikat. Humagalpak siya ng tawa at sinundot ang ilon ko. Tinulak ko naman ang face niya para tumigil siya.
"You are so annoying! I'm Italian! I have pretty genes!" pinaglaban ko pa.
"Mas mukha ka kayang Pinay." He held my chin to observe my face, squinting his eyes jokingly. "Though, parang noong nag-mature ka mas nagmukha ka ngang Italyana. You lost a bit weight," pagpansin pa niya.
Tinampal ko ang kamay niya. "I just have lots of things to do."
"Makulit ba siya?" Tinaas niya ang phone, pertaining to Kie.
"Kind of."
"Did she give you a hard time when you were pregnant?"
"Yes! She loves to kick. Parang hindi siya natutulog. Araw, tanghali, gabi sumisipa siya. Promise! Tapos may mga times na ako lang isa sa gabi tapos sumasakit na talaga ang tiyan ko sa kakasipa niya. Sobrang nahihirapan akong pumunta ng hospital pero pinipilit ko dahil sa takot na mapaano siya. But it was just false labor! All the time!" natatawang kwento ko, naalala ang mga panahon na iyon.
"Baby picture?" he requested, hopeful.
Kinuha ko ang phone ko para hanapin iyong picture na kakapanganak ko pa lang at buhat si Kie. I zoomed in on Kie again.
"Ganda naman. She's a small baby, huh?" When I glanced at him, he was about to zoom out the picture but I quickly stopped him.
"Oh my gosh! No! Haggard ako diyan!" Sinubukan kong agawin pero tinaas niya ang phone ko, nakangisi sa 'kin. He managed to zoom out the picture kaya nakita ako.
Napaungol ako sa inis, lalo na noong titig na titig siya roon habang dahan-dahan binababa ang kamay. He bit his lip and blinked a few times. Nang bumalik na ko sa ulirat ay inagaw ko ang cellphone at padabog na sumandal sa kotse.
"Maganda pa rin," pambobola niya.
I just scrunched my nose, not replying. Tiningnan ko ang phone kung may signal at nakitang mayroon na pero one bar lang. Still, I tried sending a text to my friends and Dad.
"I'm sorry."
My fingers stopped on tapping the screen when I heard Marquenzo tell me that. I slowly turned to him. "Huh? For what?" I was the one who's supposed to be apologizing here.
"For not being there." I was almost a whisper.
I gasped a little. That was his favorite line to use whenever he wasn't by my side. Sorry for not being there.
"It's not your fault I lied." I gave him a painful smile, which made him tear his eyes away from me.
"You lied," he told me.
"I know."
"You're a liar."
"I know..." I repeated, taking a gulp. Tanggap ko ang mga sinabi niya. "I'm sorry, Marco. I know my apology doesn't change a thing. It won't bring back time... It won't change the fact that you are right, I always lie to you..."
Suddenly, I felt like crying. Kinalikot ko ang mga daliri ko, nanginginig ang labi. My heart... It was starting to feel again. He was the only one who can make me feel emotions again. Feel pain... Again.
I noticed him wiping the sides of his eyes using his finger. Sinilip ko siya nang kaunti.
"Are you crying?" I asked him carefully.
"Ba't mo naman tinago sa 'kin 'to?" Bumiyak ang boses niya kaya humugot siya nang hininga saglit. "Hindi ko maintindihan kung saang parte ba talaga ako nagkamali sa relasyon natin..." Madali niyang pinunasan ang pisngi niya.
"You did nothing wrong, Marco."
"I won't buy that reason..." He sighed. "Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit mo ako naiwan nang ganoon. Ang dali ng lahat para sa 'yo noong araw na iyon... Parang simpleng 'ayaw ko na' gusto mong game kaagad akong bitawan ka nang walang laban."
"Hindi madali iyon para sa akin, Maki," I said with pain and pointed my chest. "Hindi mo alam kung gaano kabigat ang dala-dala kong guilt sa mga taon na lumipas kapag naalala kong iniwan kita nang basta-basta..."
"Iniwan mo ako dahil hindi mo na ako mahal, 'di ba?" He looked at me with tears threatening to fall from his eyes again.
Hindi ako nakasagot. Hindi ko na kayang bigkasin ang mga salitang 'hindi na kita mahal' ulit.
"I wanted you to stay with me for a different reason... I needed you that time, Ica..." He looked up the sky, breathing out.
"Alam kong malaki ang kasalanan ko sa 'yo... Hindi ko sinasadyang baliwalain ka habang nasasaktan ka pero hindi ko naiwasan, Marco. I was barely coping because of my failure... And you might think it's low, and maybe it is, but I was so angry at you for not being there for me. Galit ako sa 'yo dahil sa lahat ng araw na pwede kang mawala sa sarili, doon pa sa araw kung gaano kahalaga sa akin..."
Umiling siya. "Hindi ko naiintindihan."
"Pinuntahan kita, Marco." Inamin ko na. "Inuna kita noong... noong nagpakalasing ka sa bar mag-isa pagkatapos natin mag-away tungkol sa tatay mo at sa pera. Naalala mo ba iyon?"
Napapikit siya. I knew he remembered, so I continued.
"Nakahabol nga ako sa exam, wala naman akong mga sagot. Inuna kita, Marco... At desisyon ko na unahin ka at puntahan ka noon kasi palagi kang nasa tabi ko..." Tumawa ako nang mapakla sabay yuko.
We were not happy after that day. And happiness was so important for me. I yearned it for the both of us. I yearned for him to not experience pain since he came from a loving family and surrounded by friends who loves him fully. The guilt of me prolonging his agony, staying with him in a loveless relationship scared me so bad that I didn't notice... I was the one causing him pain.
"I wanted to be there for you after that day, to reach out and comfort you, God knows that, but... a part of me just can't stand seeing you... until I lost it..." I cannot say the word 'love', the thing I lost for him.
Mapait siyang natawa. "Hindi ko naman sinabing mahalin mo ako ulit noong panahon na iyon, Zy. Hiniling ko lang na damayan mo ako kahit saglit... Pero wala, eh. Saglit lang naman ang hiningi ko pero sakit ang binigay mo.... Masyado kang nagmamadali, wala namang humahabol sa 'tin..."
"I lost it, okay?" The level of my voice was almost inaudible. "I was falling out... you were falling in. I knew I couldn't save you from drowning in the pain, Maki, so I left to not hurt you more..." It pained me but that was the truth. All this time I've been lying, even to myself, but now, I was telling the truth.
"I didn't need your saving," mariing sabi niya.
"But you begged me to stay."
"Because I needed someone to be beside me while I save myself." He gave me a painful smile.
I pursed my lips and drifted my gaze down, unable to say something else. It's all coming back to me.
"I want to feel sorry for your failure... but sometimes I don't want to be because I feel like you're not even sorry with what you did to me..."
I lifted my head. He had his eyes closed. When he opened them, they were bloodshot with all the tears he was holding back.
"Bibitawan din naman kita. Gusto ko lang nang kaunting oras para maging handa pero hindi mo ako pinagbigyan..." Naramdaman ko ang paglakad niya papunta sa tapat ko. "Buntis ka pa. Ilang beses kitang tinanong kung may tinatago ka pa ba sa 'kin, kung may hindi ka sinabi pero sabi mo wala."
Tumitig ako pabalik sa kaniya. Nagsimulang tumulo ang luha ko kahit na hindi ko gusto iyon mangyari. Nagmamadali kong pinunasan ang mga pisngi pero sa huli, umiyak ako nang umiyak sa harap niya nang tahimik.
"You said no lies, no secret. I did my part. Tumupad ako. Ikaw hindi," he said through gritted teeth to stop himself from lashing out, looking down on me. "You were just thinking about your feelings without even considering mine."
"I did consider your feelings," tanggol ko sa sarili at tinabon ang nakasaklop na kamay sa bibig ko.
"But you didn't bother telling me about our baby? How's that considering my feelings?" Nagalit na siya ngunit bakas pa rin ang sakit sa buong mukha niya.
"I did. I did it for you. I considered you. Many times, Marco... Pero sabi mo ayaw mo ng anak, 'di ba?"
"Oo, tangina, ayaw ko nga! Ilang beses kong sinabi iyan!" Napagulo siya sa buhok niya at tumingin sa langit, sinusubukan kumalma. "Sinabi ko pero tingin mo ba hindi ko matatanggap kung nalaman kong buntis ka? Na aalis ako? Na iiwan kita? Tinanggalan mo ako ng karapatan magdesisyon, Zy!"
Kinagat ko ang kamay ko nang naramdaman ang sarili na maiiyak nang malakas. Hindi na siya nagpigil ng hinanakit niya.
"Ano? Sumagot ka naman kasi minsan hindi na talaga kita maintindihan, Zy! Pinipilit ko. Matagal ko nang ginagawan ng rason ang pag-alis mo, at ngayon nakakuha na ako ng sagot pero hindi pa rin ako kontento... Bakit pakiramdam ko nagsisinungaling ka pa rin sa akin? Bakit ba ang sinungaling mo?" tanong niya nang may diin.
I felt my world crumble.
"I'm telling the truth... Umalis ako dahil masakit at mabigat sa akin na makita ka. At tinago ko ang anak natin dahil wala iyon sa plano mo... Hindi ako nagsisinungaling sa 'yo."
Hindi ko alam kung ano ba bang gusto niyang eksplenasyon. Simple ang rason ko... mababaw. Pero tumatak sa isip niya na isa akong sinungaling. I have to accept that. I deserved his doubt. All I did was lie to him before.
"Iba ang balak mong tuparin, Marco... Kaya hindi ko na sinabi... Ang alam ko lang ay ayaw mo, eh. Ngayon sinabi mong tanggap mo kasi mayroon na pero..." Iling ako nang iling, hindi madugtungan ang sasabihin.
He looked at me with so much pain and gave me a small smile. "Ganoon ba ako kababaw sa mga mata mo? Ganoon ba kababaw ang relasyon natin? Ang pagmamahal mo sa akin?"
"Hindi ka mababaw sa mata ko. Kilala lang kita, Marco..." Nalalasahan ko na ang luha sa labi ko pero patuloy ang pag-iyak ko.
"Pwede bang kahit ngayon lang, magpakatotoo ka naman sa akin?" He held the side of my face, brushing his thumb lightly on my skin.
"I am being true to you..." I held on his car tightly when I wasn't able to stop it and completely break down, my heart tightening more.
"Noong minsan sinabi mong mahal mo ako, totoo ba iyon o sinabi mo lang para makuha ang gusto mo?" he asked shakily. "Pero napapaisip din ako kung... ano nga ba'ng gusto mo?"
"Totoo iyon, Marco... Totoong minahal kita..." There goes the sentence I told him before. I sobbed while feeling my knees feel weak but he justa stared at me, wanting answeres. "Everything was real..."
"Really?" Nagduda pa rin siya. "Did you even say anything real to me? Even one? Or all you did was lie? Was your love really even real? Was our relationship even real to you? Or was that all bullshit?" he threw questions.
Bullshit. Was that his perspective of my love for him?
"It was all real to me. I lied... but I have always been real to what I feel for you," I answered, crying louder.
It hurts that even the one thing I own and one thing I can give freely was being doubted. My love.
Hindi ko alam kung paanong pangungumbinsi ang gagawin ko sa kaniya para maniwala siya. I took all the pain deep in my heart.
The lights from the street lamp reflected on his face when I looked at him. It exposed the continuous streaming of tears on his cheeks, as pain glowed in his eyes.
"You said it's all real... but how come I didn't feel it?" pabulong na sabi niya bago pumasok sa loob ng kotse.