TW // death
ICA
"Baby, wake up... Huy, gumising ka.. Hindi mo ako pwedeng iwan..."
I could hear his voice.
"Zy, please naman, oh. Huwag kang umalis nang ganito!"
I can hear him beg. Beg the heavens to keep me awake and breathing. Beg everybody to help him. Beg me to stay. Beg me to fight.
"Naririnig mo ba ako? Zy... Huwag mo akong iwan..." The shakiness of his tone assured me he was crying badly. "Nararamdaman mo ba ako? Hawak kita... Hawak ko ang kamay mo, love. Nandito ako..."
But I couldn't feel his touch at all.
I wanted to feel his touch. His presence. I wanted to hold him. I needed to hold him... To hold on.
"Please, Zy. Stay... Please, stay. Please, hold on for me..." He kept repeating those words as if they were a prayer he wished to be heard by the heavens and answered instantly. "You promised you'd stay and live with me... You promised..."
When his voice cracked a little, my heart clenched in agony... But I think it was all my imagination because I couldn't feel anything. Even emotions escaped me. I felt blank. Numb. All of me.
"Huwag mo akong iiwan, ah?" Bumiyak nang tuluyan ang kaniyang boses.
My ears were flooded with the sound of sirens. I tried so hard to open my eyes, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't. I had no idea what was going on around me. I wasn't sure if I was in an ambulance. I couldn't tell where I was lying anymore. In Marquenzo's arms or on the stretcher, as I heard voices overlap each other.
Will I be saved?
All I could do was listen to the noise while something invaded my vision. It was not pitch black... but light. I quickly resist the urge to be completely... gone.
I cannot leave.
I didn't walk into the enticing light that was approaching. I attempted to escape by walking backwards... and backwards... and backwards.... But it was also getting closer by the second.
"Hold on for me." Marco's voice echoed in my ears.
I needed to hold on for him.
"Hold on to me tighter... Do not let go, please," he begged me once more with all his heart.
I cannot let go. He didn't want me to let go.
As the light got closer, I remembered the remnant I made for him a few days before this happened.
"Hi." I smiled genuinely at the camera. Inayos ko ang angulo pero dumirekta ang araw sa mukha ko. Sobrang liwanag kaya nilipat ko sa kung saan mas liblib, pero klaro pa rin ako. "Iyan! Perfect! Okay na!"
Napatitig ako sa camera nang naupo sa kama, hindi makapaniwala sa gagawin ko. Magpapatuloy pa rin ako. It's now or never. I have nothing to lose anyway. It's just a video.
"If you're watching this, most probably... I'm exploring the other end of the world." I spread my arms widely, indicating the end of points. "Or in another universe or lifetime, looking for you, the love of my life... Charot! Napakaano!"
Dumoble ang aking tawa noong naisip kaagad ang reaction niya at pagsabi ng 'corny!' at 'baduy!' Kontrabido iyon sa trip ko minsan, eh!
"I already made a video for you. It's with Manu. But that was before we fixed things, and I had already told you every word I said there, so here I am making another one. A new one. Wishing you'd understand me better... when I'm gone."
Later, we have a dinner with his friends. The day after tomorrow was the final hearing for Valmorida's case. After that was Marquenzo's birthday. I wasn't sure what to make of the events that were unfolding, but an acidic feeling was being poured on my chest these days. It bothered me.
Kinuha ko ang tasa ng kape sa lamesa at sumimsim para magpalipas nang kaunting segundo, nag-iisip nang mabuti. I had no initial script. But I knew that I was here to say the thoughts I couldn't tell to his face. This may be the only chance I get to tell him.
"My job has always been my dream. You know how passionate I am about it. You were the first person to believe in me. When I only had myself to lean on... You helped me swim through the trials when no one else would. You walked into my life and quickly became my only source of support. In every way."
Napahawak ako sa magkabilang pisngi ko. I stretched them upwards a little, trying to prevent myself from crying. I suddenly felt emotional.
"The consequences? I've always been prepared to face it. It's never-ending. When one case is over... It's not really over. They will come after me unless I give up. They will hunt me until they completely get rid of me, and we expected that. Because with my job... Death is inescapable."
I let out some air from my mouth, weighing how my heart felt. Heavy. Uncomfortable. Fearful.
"I survived some ambushes, but one day, I won't. My time will come to an end. Will the next day be my end? I don't know." Pagod akong umiling. "I used to not fear death, but now that I have you and Kie, I do... But I'm more afraid of giving up. I'm almost there, Marco. I can't give up now. You've taught me to be brave."
Tumingin ako saglit sa ceiling, pinapakiramdaman kung ano pa ang nais isigaw ng puso't isipan ko. Bakit kasi hindi ko 'to kayang ilahad kapag nasa harapan ko siya? Maybe it's easier this way.
"I want all of my tomorrows to be with you. To wake up beside you each day. Watch the sunrise with a cup of coffee..." Nakangiting umiling ako. "But I know we can't have that unless I give up my job."
Patigil-tigil ako dahil hindi ko mabagsak sa isang konkretong eksplenasyon. It was jumbled up, nag-uunahan na gustong lumabas sa bibig.
"Can I quit? Yes. Do I want to? No..." Hindi ako makasalita nang maayos. "I love you... But I'm sorry if I cannot give up my job and have a peaceful life with you like what you yearn for. For us. Pangarap ko ito at sana maintindihan mo na ayaw kong pumili sa pagitan ninyong dalawa."
If only I can choose to be free from danger. To spend my life with him with a sense of tranquility. But I have responsibilities. And I wasn't willing to give it up. I wanted to do both. To fight for both at the same time, despite the fear.
I felt that it was possible. I may be right. Or maybe... My hope were unrealistically high.
"Don't cry for me. That's my first reminder. I can't bear seeing you cry again because of me, my love." I laughed lightly. "Second reminder, move forward. You can stop where you are... Take a break. Breathe. You can look back but don't go back, okay? Let go of the past, Marquenzo, and keep moving forward."
For me, the exact term has always been 'move forward,' not 'move on,' because we never truly move on from certain circumstances. Sometimes we see ourselves looking back at our most painful moments. Napapaisip pa rin tayo na what went wrong pero hanggang doon lang. Hindi dapat binabalikan at pinapayagan ang sariling malunod muli sa nakaraan.
We reminisce, but not with a heavy heart. Instead, we see a version of our former selves. The one who tripped and gave up, but stood back on their own feet. Stronger. Braver. Happier. Then we feel proud of how far we've come.
Moving forward. To heal ourselves from our heavy experiences as we leave our past behind us. Put those joyful remnants in your heart and carry them to the end with you, no matter what life you are thrown into.
"Third reminder..." Napatapik ako ng hintuturo sa baba ko, nag-iisip. "For the third one, smile all the time! Napakagandang ngiti iyang mayroon ka. Sus, kikiligin na iyan!" pagbibiro ko.
Marquenzo adores smiles. And his smile was the brightest I'd ever seen, making me feel as if I were walking through paradise, even though he considered me his paradise. I guess we're each other's paradise. He must maintain his smile, just as he wished for mine to remain.
"Definitely for the fourth one, allow yourself to feel. Pwede kang sumaya o malungkot. Kahit ano. Remember, every feeling you have is valid," I reminded.
We should always acknowledge it. Because we have a heart that allows us to feel emotions, even strong ones that are beyond our control.
"Thank you, baby." My tears began to fall as I stared directly into the lenses. It rolled down slowly from my left eye to my cheeks. Until the other eyed followed and I let them be. "Ang sarap mong magmahal at ang sarap mong mahalin..."
My lips quivered and I felt weak.
"Thank you for loving me in ways I didn't know existed. A love that helped me grow and made me a fighter. That enlightened me. That made me feel that love... It shouldn't be feared. I hope I made you happy before the pain. My love was real, the most realest I have given to anyone, even myself. The strongest and sincerest I could offer."
I exhaled a large amount of breath before looking up, wiping my cheeks gently.
"The time I spent with you will always be in my memories. It was the time of my life. When I was the happiest... When I wished time would stop ticking and allow us to remain in that certain point, certain moment, certain us... with certain tomorrows... and every day after."
Tumawa ako nang mapait. One day, the waves will drift us apart. We'll all be gone. It really turns out... Nothing in life can ever be certain.
"Babe, I hope in this time of day, you've already forgiven me. I apologize for putting a scar on your heart, and I apologize for leaving... Certainly..." I decided to speak in the past tense now.
Napatingin ako sa daliri ko at kinalikot iyong promise ring and engagement ring doon. These rings should always be with me, even in my coffin. Is that possible?
"Be happy with our little girl. Take care of her and take care of yourself for I am no longer with you."
It suddenly felt real. I was hurt. It really won't be easy to leave him this way... Still, I prayed for the opposite.
"Huwag masyadong strict sa kaniya, love, okay? Be patient with her, be calm, and love her in all ways you could offer. Even little ways is enough. Have a strong bond, the both of you. For me, please? Don't drift apart."
I sighed heavily before putting on a vibrant smile on my lips. This was harder than expected.
"My love... I hope you're doing well. Heal your heart. Do not rush. Take it slow, if you must. Like what you said, walang humahabol sa atin," mahinang sambit ko.
I halted for a moment.
"I lost my battle, so please stay alive for me. I'm sorry if I'm not by your side now as you save yourself... But I know, you will get through it. I know you will not drown, Marquenzo. No matter how we ended, I'm eternally grateful because I had you in this lifetime."
Endings are painful, especially when you hoped for something different. A happy one, precisely. But one thing Marquenzo taught me was that life and love are not only happiness but every emotion there is to feel.
You can only accept. Accept that not everything will go as planned in life. It could be the opposite... Will be the polar opposite of your expectations.
"Please leave lavender roses on top of my casket before I finally part ways with you," I requested, pushing my hair back and exhaling some air. I tried to smile after that.
My honest wish was to stay... Willing. But there were whispers in my ears each night telling me that my time was near and we won't cross paths again in this lifetime.
"I may be gone, but my love for you will live on... in every universe, in every lifetime." I smiled genuinely. "I'll watch you from above. I will never not love you, my Beau."
At least... I left a remnant of my thoughts for him. My last goodbye. My love.
"Babe, you there?" Nagmamadali kong pinatay ang camera nang narinig ang boses ni Marco at ang katok niya sa pinto.
"Wait a minute!" sigaw ko habang nagpupunas ng pisngi ko. Hindi naman bongga iyong luha ko. Kaya pa naman itago, lalo na dahil hindi naman namula ang mga mata ko.
"Ba't ka umiiyak? Ano'ng nangyari?" nag-aalalang tanong niya sa 'kin at agad akong hinila para mayakap. Sumilip pa siya sa loob ng guest room na para bang naroon ang nanakit sa akin.
I pushed his chest with my hand, laughing. "Napuwing lang. May hinahanap kasi akong book sa mga shelves. Ang dusty," pagsisinungaling ko.
"Anong libro iyon? Hanapin ko para sa 'yo, beko."
Mabilis kong hinila ang basang strands ng buhok niya na nahuhulog sa noo. "Stop! It's so so cringe, Marquenzo!" I scolded, acting disgusted.
He bursted out laughing. "Gusto ko tuloy bigla ng biko!" Inakbayan niya ako at iginiya pababa ng hagdan.
Pinasadahan ko siya ng tingin. Pinigilan ko ang tawa nang nakita ang suot niyang polo. It suited him, honestly. I bought that for him the other day when I went shopping with the girls.
Nagluto muna ako ng pancit na dadalhin ko mamayang dinner, while Marco cooked chicken wings. Iyon kasi iyong usapan. Each couple would bring food para sa dinner. Ayaw kasi nilang mag-order or kumain sa resto.
"Pucha! Bakit pareho tayo ng polo, bro?!" Jericho shouted just as Marco and I entered the gate of their house.
"Gaya-gaya putomaya, paglaki buwaya!" Tinuro rin siya ni Maki, natatawa sa sariling sinabi. And then he turned to me with confusion etched on his face. "Pareho kami, babe! Sale ba 'to? Gagi!"
"You guys are adorable!" Esme smiled as she covered her mouth with the fan she was holding. In contrast, I bursted out laughing.
"Excuse me, that's Calvin Klein!" I informed him. Sale pa nga!
"Good evening. We're here already. Are we late?" Alexander halted from coming in and blinked rapidly. May hawak pa siyang bote ng wine. "What the hell is happening? Clothes crisis?"
"Hoy! Tangek! Anong clothes crisis?!" Raya hit the back of his head, laughing loudly. "Grabe! Lakas maka couple vibes ng mga hinayupak. Naks!" she teased, placing the disposable aluminum trays on the table.
Nakarinig kami ng tunog ng kotse at dabog ng mga pintuan. We heard Sasy's voice as she come closer near the gates. Pagkapasok ni Kai, agad din siyang tumalikod.
"Uuwi muna ako," Kai said but Sasy pushed him inside.
"Terno with the besties," Sasy teased maliciously, causing Kai to glare at her jokingly.
Mayamaya lang, dumating na si Manu at Cali. Naka-video kaagad si Cali habang naglalakad sa likod ng asawa niya, handang-handa sa momentong 'to. Manu smiled sarcastically, just as he noticed they were all wearing the same polo.
"Who planned this?" He squinted his eyes at Cali. "Definitely not you, baby." Then he looked at me. "You, Marquez?"
"Bakit ako?! Si Raya!" pagpasa ko kaagad, tinuturo si Raya na tuwang-tuwa sa nasasaksihan niya. Siya naman talaga ang may pakulo nito. Sinuggest niya noong nag-shopping kami. Sinabayan lang naman namin!
"Ay! Makabintang ito! Asan resibo mo, beh?" Hindi siya umamin.
"May screenshot ako ng convo natin!" Ngumisi ako kaya ngumisi rin siya at napairap, walang magawa.
"Same," Cali seconded.
"Pero ang cute ng limang idyotang 'to," pang-aasar ko sa mga lalake kaya napaungol iyong apat. Marco looked unbothered though.
"Gustong-gusto mo rin, Maki." Cali giggled while putting the Tupperware she brought on the table. Esme was putting plates and glasses already so I helped her.
"Pinakabagay sa 'kin, eh." Marco shrugged, nagyayabang. Manu immediately scoffed in disapproval, which made the other arch a brow.
"Para tayong naka-uniform." Jericho itched his head, faking a frown. "Okay lang. Pinakabagay naman sa 'kin," inagaw pa niya ang linya ni Marco.
"Yeah, sure," Alex agreed fakely.
"Sige na, Alex. Umamin ka na. Sabihin mo nang bagay sa 'kin. Wala namang mawawala." Proud na ngumiti si Echo, nagloloko.
Cali said grace before we all sat down to eat. Inuna kong lagyan si Maki ng ulam sa plato niya. Nilagyan din pala niya ang plato ko. Nagkatinginan kami at sabay natawa. Nagpalitan lang, eh!
"Who made the lumpia?" I asked Marco, chewing. "Masarap."
"Kai, mapait daw lumpia mo sabi ni Ica," pagre-rephrase niya.
"Hala! Sabi ko masarap!" Kinurot ko ang hita niya dahil nahihiya kaya ako kay Kai tapos bigla niyang ijo-joke time?!
Marco laughed. "Ah, masarap. Papa-cater daw siya. Pwede na ba raw two hundred pesos?" panggagago niya kaagad.
"Hala! Wala akong sinabing ganoon!" Piningot ko naman siya, making the others laugh. Nabulunan pa si Raya. I then turned to Kai. "It's delicious, pero hindi kita iha-hire! Engineer ka, eh, hindi chef!" depensa ko pa.
Kai let out a deep chuckle. "I can give you free lumpia. You don't have to pay," he joked.
"Huy, mahal. Walang kaibikaibigan sa business!" Binatukan kaagad siya ni Sasy.
"Sinong nagluto ng pancit? 'To tunay na mapait," makapal na mukhang sabi ni Raya pero sumubo pa ulit ng pancit.
"Hey!" I frowned. Ako nagluto noon!
"Mapait pero makita lang kita tumatamis na ang pancit ko," bawi niya sa pabirong paraan.
"Pancit pa ba iyon kung matamis? Isn't that supposed to be spaghetti?" Cali asked innocently, oblivious by the joke.
"Isn't that supposed to be spaghetti?" Echo mocked in such a girly voice, doing a fake hair flip.
Esme massaged her temples, looking at Jericho as if she was so done with his foolishness. We all burst out laughing when Jericho wasn't done mocking Cali. Cali looked so confused that she retorted by explaining the ingredients! Pinaglalaban pa niya na walang asukal ang pancit!
Wala ang mga bata kaya naman parang naging time to rest namin ito. After dinner, binuksan nila ang mga wine na dala ni Alex. Sobrang ganda ng packaging at halatang mahal. Mahal nga noong nakita ko pa ang price tag doon.
"Gagi, ang mahal naman nito," Sasy commented. "Bailey's lang afford ko!"
"Parang kasalanan naman lunukin 'to," sabi ko naman.
"Magiging gold ba 'ko kapag uminom nito?" tanong naman ni Marco.
Alex laughed. "That's from my winery. We have new flavors."
"Oh, you have a winery?" Na-curious ako kaya roon napunta ang usapan.
The girls and I decided to dispose the plates so we have space to put plates of sweets on the table. Ang ingay ng mga lalake habang nakaupo. Their laughters filled the garden kaya naman nilalakasan din ni Raya ang boses niya habang nagsasalita para magkarinigan kaming lima.
"Hoy, Marquenzo! Iyang bibig mo lalagyan ko na talaga ng scotch tape!" Hindi napigilan ni Raya sumigaw nang nanguna na naman ang boses nito. "Napakaingay mo, h'yop! Sumasapaw! Bida-bida ka!"
Marco raised a brow. "Maingay ako? Alam mo kung bakit?"
"Bakit?"
"Kasi pwet mo may racket," walang kwentang biro ni Marco kaya mabilis pa sa alas kwatro na sinugod siya ni Raya at hinila ang buhok sa inis. Humagalpak lang ng tawa iyong isa at gumanti.
Nawala ang atensyon ko roon noong tinapik ako ni Cali sa balikat. "How are you doing, Ica? I wasn't able to ask earlier because we ate immediately," she told me with a smile.
"Never been better," I replied, smiling back at her. It was a lie. "How about you? Balita ko madami kang projects ngayon."
"I'm doing fine, thanks for asking! And yes, madaming projects pero hindi pa naman ako pagod." She looked so passionate talking about her job. Do I look like that too? "I'm planning a new art exhibit in a few months. Pupunta ka." She looked at me with wide pleading eyes.
"Oo naman! I'll be there!" I assured. Cali clapped and then turned to Raya who sat down on the ratan chair near us.
"When's your wedding again, Ray?"
Raya shrugged. "Wala pang date pero sunod taon pa."
Tumango ako. "Saan n'yo balak?"
"Paris dahil doon na rin naman ako halos nakatira. Pupunta kayong lahat. Bawal may MIA!" Pinandilatan niya kami ng mga mata bilang banta. Tinuro pa niya ako kaya napaatras ako. "Ikaw, pupunta ka! Mahilig ka pa naman mag-skip ng events! Dapat nandoon ka, Zychela!"
"Basta ba sagot mo ang VISA, hotel, food, shopping allowance ko sa iba't ibang designer brands, game! Pulubi na ako, eh. Kailangan ko ng sponsor na nangangalang Rayeli," pabirong sagot ko bago naglipat ng casava cake sa platito.
Umismid siya. "Grabe ka naman sa shopping allowance! Ano kita? Baby?" sarkastikong tanong niya,
"Damulag," Sasy added.
I couldn't help but laugh. "Of course, Ray. Pupunta ako. For you," I said before before turning to Esme. "When nga binyag ng baby boy n'yo?" Nanganak na kasi siya.
"Next month," she responded, smiling cutely. "Ninang ka, ah?"
My lips rose up, forming a genuine smile. "Of course. I already promised you that."
"Ica, sasamahan mo ako mag-shopping spree. Promise mo rin iyon sa akin dahil hindi ka umattend ng birthday ko," singit ni Sasy.
"Huh? Naroon kaya ako. Hindi mo ako nakita?" Nagmaang-maangan ako, pabiro. She immediately raised her brow at me as if she was ready to fight and make me remember. It made me laugh loudly. "Libre?"
"Mo," dugtong niya.
Humagikgik ako, alam na nagbibiro lang siya. "Oo! I'll go with you nga! Promise!"
Promise, huh?
With plates in our hand, we went back to the men. Inakbay ko ang braso ko sa balikat ni Marco habang nakatayo ako at nakaupo naman siya. He held my hand and arranged it on his shoulder before snaking his hand on my waist.
"Pagod na ikaw?" marahang tanong niya. Umiling ako. Napatili ako nang hatakin niya ako paupo sa hita niya. He rested his hand on top of my leg before he leaned in to bite on the slice of casava I was holding.
"I have an idea! Let's do karaoke!" Esme suggested before standing up and pulling Jericho away to prepare the karaoke. "Bilis, babe!"
Jericho and Marco sang "Stupid love." Pareho na kami ni Esme na nakasapo sa noo namin dahil iyong dalawa may cap na patagilid ang pagsuot, naka shades pa kahit na gabi naman!
"Oh, shet! That's my best friend, gago!" Nagtuturuan pa sila ng mic at nauwi sa hindi pagkakasunduan kaya nagsapakan na lang doon.
"I don't know them." Alex looked so embarrassed as he arranged the collar of his polo. "Do you?"
"Hindi," deny kaagad ni Kai. "Sira na tainga ko."
"These uncles are so lame." Manu smirked, biting on the cupcake.
"What the fuck! Uncle?!" Marco complained, glaring at them.
"Tito ba kamo?!" malakas pa na tanong ni Echo.
It was a Wednesday night filled with serenity. We talked about work, vacation, family, love, dream places, even random nonsense topic. I got to know all of them better with their responses. It says a lot about their personalities. I felt closer with all of them.
Around eleven P.M, Marco and I decided to leave since I was sleepy. I was always slowly becoming preoccupied with the case kaya hindi ako makasabay masyado.
"Gagi! Ica, sure win na iyan!" Siguradong-sigurado si Echo. "Laban!"
"Have faith, prosecutor." Alex waved at me.
Inakbayan ako ni Raya. "Kaya mo iyan. Huwag kang kabahan. Nandito lang ako," she told me before tapping my head. "Love you, sis."
Esme smiled at me and gave me a side hug. "I'm rooting for you. Take care please. I love you."
"Love you both!" I replied and hugged the both of them back.
Manu stood up and tapped my head, looking at me seriously for a few beats before he smiled. "Bye, Marquez."
"Fighting!" Cali hugged, pushing Manu a little so she can hug me. "Good luck! I'm already proud of you!I love you!"
"Until next time, prosecutor," Kai said formally.
"Goodnight." Sasy gave me a sincere smile. "Ingat, babe."
"Ingat rin kayong lahat! I love you all!"
Marco and I cuddled up in our bed at night. He was holding me close, tight, as if I'll slip away. I was also trying to have a firm grip on him. I memorized his warmth. The sparks his kisses bring. The rhythm his heart beat.
"Goodnight. Mahal kita," bulong niya.
"I love you," I whispered back. He fell asleep first and I stared at his face, biting my lower lip. Everything about him, I painted inside my mind.
I didn't want to forget any part of him. I hoped to bring it with me, even when that isn't possible.
I woke up when my alarm rang. Medyo nagulat pa ako dahil sa lalim ng tulog ko. Pinatay ko iyon bago nilingon si Marco. He was still asleep. I crawled close to him and draped an arm around his waist.
"Wake up, baby," I said. I showered his face with kisses to wake him up. Hindi siya nagmulat ng mata pero alam kong nagising ko na siya.
"Sleepy pa 'ko, babe," he whispered huskily before draping his arm around my waist. Sumiksik pa siya sa leeg ko. He put all his weight on top of me. "Good morning..."
"Good morning," nakangiting bulong ko at hinalikan siya. "Let's go on a date, my love," I invited, sitting down.
"Date?" He opened his one eye as he pushed the blanket down, feeling hot. "Sure! Game na game ako diyan!"
"Good!" I smiled. "Where should we go?"
"Where do you want to go?" pagbalik niya naman.
Napatingin ako sa ceiling bago suminghap, may naisip na ideya. "Bataan!" Ang sarap lang bumalik doon.
Agad humulma ang ngiti sa labi niya. "Okay."
Marco was in a good mood today, so he invited me to match our clothes in the color blue. I was dressed in a baby blue puff-sleeved dress that ended a few inches above my knee. I wore it with white two-inch heels and my Dior bag. My hair was in a clean low bun with lots of gel to keep it in place because I didn't want any strands to escape.
"You look handsome, hubby." Inayos ko ang collar ni Marco at sinara ang isa pang butones ng kaniyang navy blue coat. Inside, he wore a white shirt tucked into his black jeans and a belt. To make it look cleaner, I ironed my palm on top of the shirt. He was dressed semi-formally.
"And you look very beautiful as always." Hinalikan niya ang tungki ng ilong ko bago ako nginitian.
While sitting inside his car, for some reason, I was looking out the window, looking so lost. Nababagabag ako tuwing pumapasok sa aking isipan ang mga tsansa pagkatapos ng kaso ng Valmorida.
Yes, it was my dream to serve the people with justice... But last night, I had this tremendous hope inside me to fight for my life and pick myself this time, to live longer in time and go to the ends of the world. It was so strong that it wanted to win the internal conflict I'm fighting. It wanted to be chosen.
To be successful, there are sacrifices. In my job, there are a lot. Napapaisip ako na pakawalan na lang ang trabaho kong ito. Matututunan ko namang maging masaya sa ibang bagay. I can focus on being a director again.
I don't want to give my job up... But it could mean more days with Marco, right? More chances to be happy? More moments to feel? More smiles?
The video I filmed... I can throw it away since it'll mean nothing anymore. Since I chose my family only, instead of both of what I wanted. Now I know I cannot have both.
Tomorrow's case will be my last one. I will quit. I will choose my family. Because what was the point of not doing so when they were my whole point on why I continue to live?
I will be safe by then. I will have the tranquility I yearn for me and my love.
But was that certain? Or will I still be hunted until... I'm out of breath?
"Babe?" pag-agaw ni Marco ng atensyon ko. I oscillated my head slowly towards his direction. "Nandito na tayo."
"Ang bilis?" nagtatakang tanong ko. As a response, he let out a short laugh.
Just as I stepped foot inside Las Casas, I felt like I was taken back in time. Our most certain time.
The sense of nostalgia I felt creep inside my system as we go around and did the same things we have done before. The kalesa rides, the little museum tour, the picture-taking, the food trip at the resto, the walk in the quiet paths as we held each others hands.
We made our way to the garden where we sat one time, where we talked about the lifetimes and endings.
"See you next lifetime." I tried to joke, which he immediately understood.
He scoffed, as expected. "Wala ngang ganoon! Corny!" He still stood by his words.
Nabalot kami sa katahimikan habang nakatingin sa dagat sa tapat. The wind brushed against my skin but I didn't feel any breeze. I was too occupied attending my inner emotions.
"Mananalo ka," Marco said meaningfully in hushed tone, not looking at me. "Walang mangyayaring masama, 'di ba? Wala..." He sounded as if he was convincing himself, not me.
"Of course, love." Kinapa ko ang pisngi niya at tiningnan siya diretso sa kabadong mga mata niya. "We have your birthday to celebrate after!" I tried to cheer him up but he didn't laugh. "I will survive. I will stay. I told you, hindi ako mamawala sa tabi mo," I promised.
Maybe I was really a liar.
"No matter what, I have to have you," he whispered, resting his forehead on mine. "You cannot leave me. You already promised. I will hold on to that... And promise me you will hold on too."
"I will, my love."
The kiss we shared was a mixture of hope and pain. Hope to have a better tomorrow... and pain if we get the opposite.
Then, before the sun start setting, we walked towards where the boats were. Namitas siya ng bulaklak na kulay dilaw sa isang tabi at siniksik iyon sa tainga ko bago kami sumakay sa bangka.
"Thanks for guiding me, this time." I laughed, remembering how I almost tripped before and he just laughed at me. Napakagago niya roon!
"Sorry naman, Mrs. ko!" A genuine laugh escaped from his lips, which I enjoyed. It sounded like music.
The boat moved after as we tour around the schematic place. He took my hand and intertwined it with his. Sumandal ako sa balikat niya at piniling huwag munang isipin ang mangyayari bukas. I wanted to enjoy this moment with him because... what if this was the last?
The last time to hold him. The last time to feel him. To feel his love... Last time with him.
"I will never stop loving you, Zy," Marco suddenly whispered in my ear.
"I will never not love you, Beau," I whispered back breathlessly.
Even after all that feared us, we still managed to look into each other's eyes and were unable to hold back our heartfelt smile. Our eyes spoke a lot. We communicated through it, as if we were prepared to face what tomorrow brings. We had hope, but we were hurting within.
"Your smile. Your eyes... I love how pretty they look up-close," he uttered.
"Thank you! Yours are beautiful as well. Keep that." I rose up and got my polaroid inside my bag. "Let's take a picture!"
Mahina niya akong iginayang tumayo para hindi matumba sa bangka. Inabot niya sa bangkero ang polaroid bago lumapit sa 'kin ulit.
Niyakap ko siya sa baywang at inakbayan naman niya ako para mayakap pabalik. I raised my gaze to his until his gaze latched on mine. He licked his lips, and let out bodies touch each other closer. Ngumiti ulit kami sa isa't isa, pati ang mga mata ay tunay na puno ng totoong kasiyahan ngayon.
Happiness, huh? It is indeed him for me.
"Ready? One, two, three, smile!"
When the flash hit my eyes, that's when I heard his croaked voice again.
I was back in reality.
"Hindi mo na kaya? Are you giving up? Do you want to give up?" Marco couldn't speak properly anymore. "Gusto mo na bang matulog? Magpahinga? Okay... Okay... Pwede na... Kakayanin namin. Kakayanin ko..."
The light was becoming brighter. It was enticing. I wanted to go with it. It was at the end of my fingertips, waiting to lure me completely to the other side.
"Hindi ako magagalit, mahal ko..." Bumiyak ulit ang boses niya.
Is this my end? The end of us?
"Thank you for trying to hold on for me. You had a great fight. You did well," Marco whispered painfully, crying louder. "You..."
I wanted to live a fairytale-like life, even though I knew I wasn't cut out for it. But Marco made me feel like I deserved it. I am worthy of it, of love. To live.
Some people get their happily ever after... But we were an exception for we claimed the opposite.
I told him before that we may be meant to be... But maybe not in this lifetime.
And maybe I was right.
No, it's not a maybe. It was happening. I cannot turn back time anymore. It was real.
I have to accept that I cannot do the things I did with him yesterday on our tomorrows and every day after. I cannot hold him... Feel him... Love him anymore. For now.
"You can let go now, my love." Those were his last whispers to me.
I didn't want to slip away. I tried to hold on longer for him... But I couldn't anymore.
I entirely let the light deprive me of the opportunity I had hoped for to explore to the ends of the worlds with him as promised, as our memories remain in my mind. My memoirs of my Aqeila. Of him. Of us.
I used to believe nothing in life is ever certain but now I believe the opposite. For the most certain time... this is our end.
My life has come to an end, but my love may continue for eternity. I know I'll subconsciously be searching for his warmth in everyone that isn't him... In another universe, in another lifetime... That's made just for us two.
It ends here. With me and him. Apart.
Maybe...
Maybe this time we've ended... Maybe next time we'll have our promised beginning.
Maybe we'll meet again.
One day, in one life... with certain tomorrows and no early goodbyes.