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The summer after we finished our High School Graduation Examinations was the most difficult summer I experienced in my life. Taehyung had gone to abroad to study, and the two of us began a cold war that lasted for four years. The reason for the cold war is rather hilarious – he confessed to me, but I rejected him. Actually, it couldn't really be considered a confession; as Kim Taehyung was rather proud and somewhat introverted, his confession was also expressed in a rather roundabout manner.
I was in a foul mood when I arrived the farewell dinner organized by the class, as I had just learnt that Taehyung was about to fly to abroad for further studies. What's worse was that I had learnt it from others, as he never mentioned a single word to me beforehand. A few male students were ribbing each other, declaring that the first thing they were going to do upon commencing university is to get themselves a girlfriend, and that they must have had experienced first love by the end of their first year. Our retarded class representative even set up an instant club named "Yet to Experience First Love Squad", and Kim Taehyung had been listed as one of its members.
In the end, Taehyung calmly said, "I already have a first love."
He was staring at me when he said this, so everybody started to tease the both of us. Ultimately, however, everyone quieted down and began to glance at me, as I was still frozen at that spot.
I felt extremely infuriated at that point in time – he was about to leave anyway, so there was absolutely no meaning in saying such things at this point in time! Or did he think that teasing me was a fun thing to do? I replied him coldly, "First love is something that can only be experienced by two willing parties."
This is probably the sentence that I regret saying the most in my entire life.
He stared at me with his soul-piercing eyes for a few seconds before lowering his head and remaining silent. Subsequently, somebody changed the topic and everybody intentionally ignored the awkward situation that had just happened. When the dinner ended, everybody returned to their respective homes. Somehow, only the both of us were left, so he accompanied me to flag a taxi by the roadside. I could feel his anger, and so when the taxi arrived, I intentionally told him in a casual manner, "Let's stay in touch when you reach there."
He replied expressionlessly, "I won't contact you again."
He was a man true to his word. During the subsequent four years, he never took the initiative to contact me, and never even replied the voice messages which I had left for him.
I know a lot of people are unable to understand why I rejected him. I thought about this issue very seriously before, and initially I thought that I was simply angry – angry that he was leaving to such a faraway place, and yet he couldn't even break the news to me personally.
But even if he hadn't left, and he had stayed, would I have accepted his confession?
Somehow, I don't think I would have accepted him either.
Having met someone I really liked, I was extremely careful not to get too close to him; I'm not sure what kind of mindset this is, and I don't really understand it either. Subsequently, I watched a movie where a male student asked his teacher, "Why do we always fall in love with the people who never ever care about us?"
His teacher had replied then, "Because we always feel that we don't deserve someone who loves us better."
I was suddenly enlightened. Yes, I felt that I wasn't worthy of his love.
I was someone who suffered from a very strong inferiority complex. When I was young, the adults often compared my older brother and me. Seokjin was extremely smart, and I couldn't outperform him no matter how hard I tried. When I grew slightly older, I suffered from a sudden illness. During that period of time, I constantly felt like a burden to the family, and that the future seemed extremely bleak and hopeless. During puberty when I became more obedient, I started to realize that my family was different from other families – my single parent family background made me cowardly and sensitive.
There was once I went to Taehyung's house to play. It was then that I completely understood how one could feel utterly embarrassed from comparisons.
It wasn't that his family's economic conditions were mind blowing; rather, it was the warm family atmosphere that made me envious. It was open and warm, and his parents were extremely loving. I remember his house having an extremely huge full-length window which allowed his house to be clothed in brightness. At that time, I thought that a child who grew up in this type of family would be extremely open with nothing to hide.
That was probably the first time he brought a female friend back home. His mother was extremely friendly to me, and asked me about my family conditions at the dining table, and what my parents did for a living. It was a truly innocuous question, but it made me feel extremely embarrassed, like never before.
I don't recall how I answered the question then, perhaps I simply gave an extremely dubious answer in my fluster.
Before I left his home, his mother gave me a can of her home-made rose biscuits, and even nicely invited me to come visit in the future.
I smiled and agreed while nodding my head, but I knew that I would never return again.
I really liked his home, I liked that full length window most, and I really liked his mother. But I would never return again, because I couldn't lift my head out of shame.
Yes, the world's dirtiest thing is none other than one's pride.
My youth was exactly like this – plagued with feelings of inferiority, sensitivity and awkwardness.
For a long period of time, even I was unable to understand why he would ever like someone like me.
We simply remained at status quo and refused to contact one another. Subsequently, after graduating from my university, I started working in Daegu. During the 50th anniversary of my alma mater, I returned to my hometown to attend a gathering organized by my high school schoolmates. It was then that I knew Taehyung had returned.
The class representative gave him a call, saying "We're currently at Karaoke, are you coming?" I had a gut feeling that he would come – and, as predicted, the class representative really went to pick Taehyung up shortly after.
I was terribly nervous, and couldn't sit still. In the end, I cowardly ran to the toilet to hide.
I dawdled in the toilet for over ten minutes, trying to prepare and comfort myself mentally. Afterwards, I preened myself, arranged my hair properly, took a deep breath, and stepped out.
In the crowd, my eyes found him instantly.
It was rather strange. I haven't seen him for four years, the lighting in the Karaoke room was so dim, there were so many people, and he wasn't even sitting in the center – but despite all these, the moment I entered the room, my eyes singled him out immediately.
He cut his hair short, and wore a black high neck sweater which I had never seen before. He was much taller, and much more mature.
He raised his head, our eyes meeting for a few seconds before he shifted his gaze away. Clearly, he had absolutely no intention of acknowledging me.
Because there were no empty seats, I was forced to sit next to the song selection machine. As such, I lowered my head and pretended that I was extremely busy selecting songs. Taehyung was seated two persons away from me.
Ever since he appeared, I had no idea where to put my hands or my legs, my heart was extremely confused and I was at a loss as to what to do. I wanted to find something for myself to do, to act as though I wasn't particularly concerned about his existence. Just then, I spotted a can of cola on the table, and grabbed it as though it was my saviour. I tried to open it twice, but I wasn't able to. As a result, I returned the cola to the table out of embarrassment.
Who would have known that the moment I placed the cola can down, that can of cola would be picked up and easily opened by another person?
It was Kim Taehyung.
Whilst he was opening the can of cola with a completely natural expression and placing it in front of me, he was simultaneously conversing with the people next to him – he didn't even look at me once during the entire process.
All of a sudden, I felt like crying.
...
Come to think of it, when I decided to break off our friendship I didn't quarrel with him, and when we amended our relationship I didn't cry. When we decided to be together he didn't confess to me, and when we decided to marry he didn't officially propose to me– everything just happened naturally on its own accord... It was as though both of us knew that these events would happen, and that both of us were simply waiting for the right time to arrive.
Our relationship became slightly warmer after that, and there were signs that our relationship was returning back to normal. He went to Seoul to work, whilst I stayed in Daegu. Once, when he was in Daegu for business, I invited him out for a meal.
That day I came out from my office, and saw him in the distance with a black leather coat. He was standing alone under the lamp. The wind swept down the street. His brows were furrowed, and he was deep in thought. The blinding neon lights shone on him, emphasizing his loneliness in the night.
I only learnt much later that he was experiencing an extremely rough patch in his life at that point in time, and that he had never felt so desperate and hopeless before. His superior had made him a scapegoat, causing him to lose his job while incurring huge amounts of debt. He frequently suffered from insomnia, and constantly overworked himself in an attempt to distract himself from all his troubles. He could only bury all his bitterness at the bottom of his heart; he had nobody to confide in, neither did he wish to confide in anybody.
At that moment, my heart ached for him. I felt that he was shouldering an extremely huge and heavy burden. I had never ever helped him with anything in his life.
I circled round to his back and tapped him on the shoulder. The moment he saw me, his furrowed brows smoothened immediately. He looked extremely happy.
We talked a lot that night – mostly about our memories and our work, whilst we carefully avoided the topic of our relationships.
"I'm still young, so I want to go and explore the greater world out there."
"Stop kidding." He chided me.
I had no other alternative but to tell the truth, "When I was studying, there was an extremely good boy who liked me. I think that one should not be too selfish when living one's life – since he has already completed 99 steps for me, at the very least, I should take one step for him."
He asked bluntly, "Would you die without this guy?"
"Of course it won't be so extreme, but I will most definitely have regrets. Having grown so old, this is the first time I actually feel that there is someone who is worthy of me trying my hardest to cherish and to treasure. I don't want to lose him again."
He stopped speaking, instead lowering his head. I remember him waving at me, saying, "Get lost – come back when you regret your decision."
Thus, I dragged my luggage and "got lost" to Seoul– and I haven't regretted my decision since then.
Over the past few years, I had changed tremendously – I gradually became a happier, more confident, and more interesting person. When I was still a student, I wasn't how I am now. At that time, I was extremely unnoticeable– I was forever dressed in an oversized school uniform, and always wore my thick spectacles. I tied my hair into a ponytail every day, and small actions such as letting my hair down or raising my hand to raise questions required great amounts of courage from me.
Subsequently, after I left my home to enrol in the university from other provinces, I got to know a bunch of extremely close friends, all of whom were very bright and colorful. When I entered the workforce, I came into contact with people from all walks of life. It was only then that I finally managed to abandon the inferiority complex that I had since my youth and gradually started to mature into a person capable of taking care of myself. People often say that growing up is a cruel process. I beg to differ. I feel that the process of growing up is the most beautiful and wondrous thing in the world – we always feel as though there's hope, and we are not afraid to fail. All these beautiful sceneries can only be seen after one grows up.
During the period of time when Kim Taehyung wasn't by my side, I managed to understand one thing –
The question, really, wasn't why he loved me; rather, the question was, whether I was someone who was worthy of his love.
Luckily, the person whom I thought would never forgive me in this lifetime has always remained rooted in his original spot, patiently waiting for me to understand.
That is why, meeting Kim Taehyung is the luckiest thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.
Once, when I was extremely childish and irrational, I told him to leave, and that he could definitely find someone better.
At that time, his reply left an extremely deep impression on me. He said, "I never ever wanted 'someone better', I just want the person standing right in front of me. When will you ever understand this?"
Yes, I understand now. Thank you for not leaving me behind, thank you for having sufficient patience to slowly wait for a little girl to grow older and mature.
The moon at the bottom of the sea is the moon hanging in the sky; and the person before me is the one I love.
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A/N ~ Hi Guys.... Enjoy the Double update..........