As I woke up, the sun wasn't shining through my window anymore. Instead, I could see the dark night sky with some small stars. How long did I sleep?, I wondered because when Teija left, it had been late afternoon and since it was summer and the sun set very late in Finland, it must have already been in the middle of the night. Oh boy, how am I gonna sleep tonight? This shit isn't real now, I can't be awake now and not sleep the whole night, I quietly cursed and got up from my bed. After going to the toilet and washing my face, I decided to eat something because I hadn't eaten anything after lunch with Teija.
But because I obviously didn't have the opportunity to buy some food since Teija had left, I had to order food again. An hour after I had called the restaurant, the food should arrive so I thought that taking a bath was a good way to spend my time. That's what I loved about my apartment: It might have been a very tiny apartment with only one room apart from the bathroom but it did have quite a big bath to relax. I needed to wash myself anyway because the next morning, I knew I would neither have time nor be motivated to take a shower before going to work, so I could also take a bath now. Ugh, work, I thought as my thoughts wandered to my job. I really didn't want to think of that now. It was enough if I thought about it when I was at work; my free time shouldn't be occupied by thoughts about what I only do to be able to buy food and rent my apartment.
While quietly humming, I prepared everything I needed for the bath. I turned on the hot water and placed the body lotion and a liquid that should provide some foam next to the bathtub. "Don't hold on so tight. Baby I'm a bad idea", I sang along to the music that was quietly playing from my phone. So far, Bad Idea was the song by Blind Channel that I liked the most. I hadn't listened to all of them, by far not, and especially the older ones were still unknown to me because Teija had only showed me the newer ones, but Bad Idea was still my favorite out of the few songs I knew. It just fit me so well. I would never let them in, no matter who the person was. I had told myself to not let anyone in anymore, not after what had happened. And so far, that seemed to be a good strategy because I had never been hurt again, at least not that much.
A few minutes later, I had prepared everything and let myself slowly sink into the hot water. This feels good, I thought while leaning against the back of the bathtub. I hadn't taken a bath in a while, probably for a few months, because I had been too busy. Isn't that stupid? When you are the busiest, you need relaxation the most but you have the least time to do what helps you to calm down... That's what I hated the most about work in general: When you need to relax and do something for your mental health, you don't have time to do that. I wished that I could just have a job that wouldn't be as stressful, exhausting and morally reprehensible but I needed to take the job that I could get.
Only around ten minutes after I entered the bathtub, I was interrupted by the ringing of the doorbell. I thought it would take an hour until my food arrived, I wondered because since my call to the restaurant, only around 40 minutes had passed. With a sigh, I left the warm water and got the cozy bathrobe on. It wasn't covering much but since I wouldn't see that person again, I thought I could open the door wearing nothing more than the white bathroom my parents had gifted me when I moved out.
On the way to the door, I grabbed my wallet and pulled out the money, just a few euros more than the pizza cost to thank the supplier for being earlier than I had expected and therefore pleasing the feeling of hunger inside of my stomach earlier than expected. And maybe also for letting him stand in front of my door for more than a minute because it took me quite a while "Hello", I greeted as I pulled the wooden door open. But other than expected, there was a familiar looking person standing in front of me.
"What are you doing here?", I confusedly looked at Joel who was holding my pizza in his hands. I thought we both were of the opinion that not facing each other again was best for both of us? Why the fuck did he now show up again? And why did he have my pizza in his hands? I mean, he for sure was not the supplier. Or was he? "I came here in the late afternoon but you didn't open the door. I thought I'd wait here until you come home but apparently you were home and just didn't hear me. Anyway, I somehow fell asleep and then woke up when the supplier wanted to bring your pizza. Don't ask me how he managed to enter the house but well... Now here I am. I paid him and now I'm waiting for you to take the pizza and let me in."
"You what? You want me to let you in? But you do know what you wrote on this coaster? That you didn't feel comfortable seeing me again? And you know what, I wasn't sad about it. Yeah, the sex was good but I wasn't interested in facing you or seeing you again either. So, what do you want?", I asked while grabbing the pizza and taking a step back. Maybe I was too harsh because he really seemed to be a good guy who had some mental health problems but seeing him again reminded me of what happened at the bar after I was given his note and I really didn't need to have another panic attack.
"Marlene", Joel sighed, "let me explain myself. Please." He looked down at his feet and at me in turns. Although the door was still open and I didn't block it anymore, he didn't enter my apartment but seemed to wait for me to actually let him in. Good for him. "Okay", I groaned quietly, "come in. But I didn't order food for someone else so don't expect me to have anything at home for you to eat." "Thank you", Joel took a step closer to me and followed me to the table that was my desk and my dining table at the same time where I placed the pizza box on top.
"So, why are you here?", I started a conversation and gestured to him to take a piece of pizza as well. Although I bought it for myself, I didn't want to sit here and eat while Joel sat next to me, having nothing to eat. "Thanks" he mumbled before he answered my question. "First of all, I wanna apologize. The way I started to touch you yesterday without knowing whether you were fine with that... It's not what someone should do. I mean, I touched your ass when you didn't even know who I am, I mean, I could have been an old weirdo. So, sorry for that. I won't do that again; I don't want someone to feel uncomfortable because of that."
"Mhm, good idea." I nodded. "If I wouldn't have laid my eyes on you before, I would have pushed you away and left you as soon as possible. But why did you change your mind?" "Fans. I was outside, just grocery shopping and then there were these fans. Girls, probably fourteen to seventeen years old. The moment they saw me, they started screaming and running towards me. I really wasn't in the mood to meet fans and take photos or anything today but they didn't ask or care about that. They just hugged me, touched me everywhere and one of them even kissed me before loudly telling her friends that she kissed the famous Joel Hokka. Sometimes I really wish I wasn't famous."
"Understandable", I mumbled before I took another bite. "And you're here now only because you wanted to apologize?" "No. I wish that was the case but if I'm being honest with both of us, I'm not. After this situation, I felt so bad again. I really wished I wasn't famous and this thought led myself into this shit of a downward spiral. My thoughts became darker and darker and... You don't wanna know. I really needed distraction. Again. The boys asked whether I wanted to join them in a bar and party with them but hell no... There are only other fans and people who know me and want something from me, I can't take that today.
And when I was already on my way here because last night somehow helped me at least for a short time, there was another fan. She looked like she was around your age and was calmer than the girls before but still she seemed to be so happy and wanted to take a photo because otherwise her friend wouldn't believe her that she met me after talking about the band only a few hours before and ugh... I mean, I like making fans happy but sometimes that's just too much and I need to make myself happy first, you know? And the worst part of this is that as stupid and lost in thought as I was, I took the selfie with my phone so now I have to send it to her via Instagram, she told me her name there. But I really don't wanna think about that now", Joel shook his head and looked down to his feet again.
Oh boy, I thought. If only he knew that we were in quite a similar situation, just that what helped him was exactly what I shouldn't do if I wanted to take care of myself. "Okay, Joel, if you now send her the photo, that will be done. You don't have to think about that anymore, okay?" "I can't", he whispered and with that, he got up from the chair he was sitting on, turned around and went to the door of my apartment where he slid down and covered his face in his hands. "I can't think about this anymore, every second I think about makes it worse, I can't take only one second more. Marlene, fuck, I need you to distract me."
"Joel, if you keep ignoring that, it won't get better... And you definitely need someone to help you but not someone to distract you. And even if you'd choose the distraction, the person to do that is not me.", I told him, hoping that he won't ask me why. I didn't want to tell him about my story, I couldn't. I told this story twice, maybe a third time if you can count Teija who witnessed some parts of it, but every time I thought about it again, it was destroying me. I couldn't think about it anymore either and certainly not tell it to anyone.
"Marlene", he whispered desperately. I closed my eyes for a second, took another deep breath and sighed. I just couldn't let him suffer. When I saw people in a bad situation who truly needed help, I couldn't just ignore it. My guilty conscience would kill me for that.
„Okay. If you want to, I can send that photo to that fan. That should help you. And after that, we'll see what I'll do." Joel nodded silently before he handed me his photo. "Last picture in the gallery. And her Instagram name... Fuck, I forgot it. But she told me she'd text me in case this would happen so maybe you can find her in my DMs." I opened his gallery and the moment I saw the photo, my mouth opened widely.
"Teija met you?! What the fuck?!", I said loudly. "You know that woman? Okay, don't tell me, just do what you wanted to do and let me try to think about something else." "She's my best friend", I said although he didn't want me to. "Sorry for her behavior", I then added before I sent the photo to her. Since I knew her name on Instagram, I didn't need to search for the name. Luckily." "Mhm", Joel mumbled.
"By the way, the bath robe looks good on you", Joel suddenly changed the topic and winked at me. "Thanks. I took a bath when you came, that's why I'm wearing it." "Is the water still in there? I mean, I wouldn't mind taking a bath with you. And without the bath robe, you're even sexier", Joel suddenly got up to stand behind me. His hot breath hit my neck before he spread some kisses here and there.
Fuck, what shall I do now?, I cursed in my mind. Of course, my body liked what Joel did and some good sex was always good but with Joel? No. I told myself to never sleep with the same guy twice and to not let anyone into my life again. With every second I spent with Joel, listened to his problems and tried to help him, I continued to recreate the past which would eventually lead me to go through hell again. I was doing exactly what I told myself to never do, I was breaking my own principles. My head was screaming to make this man leave my apartment and never see him again, to ignore all his attempts to get in touch with me again.
But my body? My body liked the way Joel started to slightly bite my earlobe and how his hands so slowly wandered to my upper body until they eventually rested on my boobs and started to massage them. "This time, you'll have even more fun. You will scream out of pleasure because I'll let you have so much fun", Joel whispered into my ear. Before I could respond to his words and my body's reaction to them, Joel placed his hand on my neck and turned my head around so that I was now looking at him. "You want my lips to collide with yours just as much as I desire it right now, don't you?"
Joel was right. What he was doing turned me on so much that I gave in to the temptation and quickly closed the gap between our lips. From the start, the kisses were hot and steamy, full of passion. Joel's hands found their way to the bathrobe and with just a few moves, he completely undressed me. On our way to the bathroom, I got rid of his clothes as well and soon, I was sitting between Joel's legs in the bathtub. What shall I say? This man keeps his promises.
So, Joel apologized but Marlene still won't let him in. What happened that she calls herself a Bad Idea? Tell me about your thoughts in the comments! From now on, I can be quite sure that I'll upload a new chapter every Saturday, although I'm slowly but surely running out of prewritten chapters. In a few days, holidays start where I live so I should have a lot of time to write. Fingers crossed that I'll be motivated and have enough ideas for this story.
And until next Saturday: Stream LOT SAD! What do you think about the album? Honestly, i had to listen to some songs a few times until liking them and at first I was even a bit disappointed but now I love the new album! What's your favorite song? I think out of those that haven't been released before, I like Glory for the Greedy and Alive or only burning? the most :)