Already, of what I've figured out, this book has the longest average chapter length of all my books, solely because of the dress rehearsal.
Oh notch this is going to be long.
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The list of people in the audience increased with Grian's adrenaline. Everyone entering, and talking, and taking their seats in the newly built auditorium... Joel constantly yelling that everything would suck and then Tommy defending his honour.
Joehillssays whispered to you: I believe in you.
You whispered to Joehillssays: We won't let you down
'I can't remember any of my lines.' Scar mumbled.
'Neither can I.' I replied honestly. 'But don't worry. Everything will be ok. Hopefully you'll remember when we begin...' He looks exhausted, which makes sense considering that he and Cub spent the entire night trying to learn lines. 'Plus you're very good at making up what you say at this point.'
'I don't want Joe to be upset with me.'
'Don't worry about Joe. In fact... just do whatever you can. No one in the audience cares how well it's going to go. Joel's basically waiting for it to fail...'
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'Ok, who told Dream about the play!?' Pearl sighed. 'This isn't going to go well.'
'Maybe that's the point... it doesn't need to go perfect.' Grian pondered. Suddenly, the makeshift lighting turned off, and his stomach twisted in anticipation. Someone would have to introduce the play... he'd forgotten all of his lines.
Etho ran onstage.
'Welcome to the Hermitcraft Play!' He yelled, running offstage again. Grian let out a deep breath and stood up.
'Good luck!' Scar whispered. 'You can do this!'
He walked onstage.
'YES GRIAN!' Yelled Tommy from somewhere in the audience. Grian smiled, and began.
'Welcome! Friends, pets, and whoever else is here, to the village of Hermitville where I, your humble main character, lives. Please enjoy the show we have for you today, and the quests that I must go on to get the magic thing that will save us all from certain doom!'
'What's this about certain doom?' Pearl walked onstage to say. Grian's heart raced. The hard bit was done, and he quickly fell into character.
'Oh, nothing. How are you doing, Pearlie?'
'I'm doing great! Hey, have you heard about Dr Evil coming to find us?'
'We need to stop him!' A cheer from the audience.
'Good idea! I'll go and tell everyone that we're going!'
'Bye, Pearlie!'
Grian was left alone on stage, crossing it as Sellsknight appeared from stage left.
'Hello! I am Sells-knight! I hear you are in need of some equipment for your quest?'
'I am. Can you offer some for my journey?'
'I sure can! In fact, the townspeople packed in advance. Here you go.' He handed over a shulker box. 'Have fun on your travels! And watch out for weirdos on the road. You don't know who you can trust out there...' After a look out into the audience, he walked off, leaving Grian alone again.
'Our quest is ready to begin!' He improvised. 'Look! Pearlie's coming back!'
Pearlie appeared again holding her own bag of stuff. I
'You got everything we need?'
'Yep. And you know what?' Joehills be damned, Grian looked out into the audience. 'This is going to be a very chobblesome quest.'
And with that, they ran offstage..
'How far have we gone?' Grain asked as they returned onstage again a few minutes later Pearlie shrugged.
'Not far. The village is still over there.'
'It's already getting dark. We need to stop at a tavern somewhere.'
'Luckily there's one just over there.' Pearl pointed towards stage right, and Grian nodded.
'Good idea. Let's go!' As they left, the stage was set for the next scene. Cleo stood behind the bar and Renvolio bounded onstage, Grian and Pearl ready to reenter.
'We should be careful in case anyone here is working for Dr Evil.' Grain muttered as he did.
'Yes, you're right! Anyone could be working for Dr Evil. We don't know who is working for him.'
'I thought you said there would be someone here that could help.' Grian whispered, barely audible.
'Greetings, travellers!' Renvolio interrupted excitedly, ('YES REN!' Yelled Jimmy) striding over to Pearlie and Grain. 'I am the fair Renvolio, I am here to accompany you on your journey across the mountains to where the evil Dr Evil dwells!' He bowed, grinning from ear to ear with enjoyment.
'This must be who Wels mean!' Pearl gasped. Grian looked over at her.
'But what if he isn't? Lots of people want Dr Evil dead.'
'True. Renvolio, do you know Sellsknight?'
'I sure do! What are your names, fine travellers?'
'I'm Grain.'
'Well, hello, Grain... and you?'
'I am Pearlie.' Pearlie and Revolio shook hands.
'Hold on a second!' Scar appeared onstage. 'I, the great Din Djarin, will accompany you up the mountains.'
'Oh, great. It's the local idiot.' Renvolio growled back. Din Djarin ignored, jumping onto one of the tables.
'I can lead you across the tre- the very dangerous mountains to find and murder Dr Evil with the passion of a thousand... Din Djarins!'
'If you think this guy is going to lead you safely up those mountains, you're wrong!' Renvolio joined Scar on the table, basically pushing him off. 'He'll only end up getting you both killed, and with the safety of everyone in hermitville at stake, this is the last thing we want to happen. However, I would get you up there and back in less than a day. What says you, travellers?'
'Pearl, is this a good idea?' Grain whispered loudly
'I don't know. I suppose the only thing we can do is...'
'I can lead us to victory!'
'This man is lying!' Renvolio shot back. 'If you want a real explorer, ally, and maybe even friend, I am the one you should pick to join you!'
'We bring both of them with us, I guess. Come on! Renvolio, Mando... let's go!'
The group left the stage, Scar following later than the others.
'You're going to pay for your drinks or I break your legs!' Cleo yelled after, slamming a hand on the bar. There was a sudden blackout as they set up for the next scene. The group entered again, with Keralis on the other side.
Mr Diamonds can help us!' Scar began 'He can sell us a map to cross the dangerous mountains!'
'Mr Diamonds will rob us, Din Djarin.' Renvolio shot back. 'Besides, Sells gave these two a map.'
'Mr Diamonds can give us a better one.'
'I say we give it a try.' Grian shrugged.
'You're saying we should give everything a try... you should be more careful, Grain.'
'Careful? I'm being careful.' Scar crossed the stage to where Keralis was. 'One map of the mountains please!'
'Ok, sweet faces. That will be 30 diamonds.'
'Thirty diamonds?! Din Djarin, he's robbing us! As I said!'
'Don't worry, Renvolio, I can pay.'
'You sure will...' Pearl crossed her arms. 'The rest of us don't have that kind of money.'
'Don't worry, Din Djarin. We can split the cost.' Grian pulled out some fake diamonds handing them to 'Mr Diamonds.' Scar did the same.
'Thirty diamonds... there you go!'
'Thank you sweet faces! Enjoy your travels!' Keralis handed over a map. Scar took it, smiling.
'Thank you!'
'Excuse me, Mr Diamonds, I'm sorry about my friends here, but we're getting a refund. We have a map, we don't need your rubbish one.' Renvolio pushed past Scar to say.
'No refunds.' Keralis crossed his arms.
'We're getting it back!' Pearl joined in.
'He's trying to help!' Scar protested. 'And it's a good map.'
'Would you like any more stuff?'
'No. Come on, we're leaving.' Renvolio walked offstage. Din Djarin, Grain and Pearlie followed.
The trees entered the stage.
'Tree!' Etho declared. The other trees copied, creating a soundscape of 'tree'. (Thanks IRL drama group for the inspiration)
'Are you sure we're going the right way?' Renvolio complained as he entered the stage again. Behind him, Grian sighed.
'Well, Din Djarin did say this was the right way so...'
'He also got our money stolen.' Replied Pearl. 'You're too trusting for your own good, Grain...'
'It's not like he's working for the enemy. And these are just trees.' Grian signalled towards the hermits playing trees.
'We are trees. You are not welcome here.' Said all the trees, in sync now that they'd had practice in the Tree-sistance. 'We are trees, you're not welcome here.'
'Ok, Din Djarin's just led us to a talking forest. Great...' Sighed Pearl.
'We are trees. Go away.' Repeated the trees.
'We should probably leave...' Renvolio warned. 'Before these guys attack...' He looked around nervously at the talking trees.
'Tree.' Etho declared quietly.
'Tree.' Agreed Hypno. A few rounds of repeating the sentiment and they began to step towards the group. Renvolio drew his sword, and Pearlie did the same thing, looking around at the hermitrees until...
'Greetings, travellers.' Captain Jack entered the stage dramatically, and the trees backed off. A small cheer from the audience. 'What brings you to this part of the woods?'
'We're going to slay Dr Evil!' Declared Din Djarin.
'Who are you, and why should we trust you.' Was Pearlie's reply.
'I'm Captain Jack.' Cub decided. 'I'm an old friend of Din Djarin...'
'I don't trust you.' Renvolio stepped towards Jack, frowning. 'Pearlie, Grain, let's leave these two untrustworthy idiots here and continue on.'
'You can trust me. I know these woods better than the back of my hand. If you want to get safely through... I'm your only hope.'
'Apart from the talking trees, there isn't anything to worry about, I don't think.'
'We are trees, you aren't welcome.' Said all the trees again.
'They'll attack if you don't get permission to be here from the Swamp Prince and Woodland Queen. We should head there now.' Cub walked off, and Scar followed. Grain was about to, but Renvolio held him back.
'Don't trust a word he says.' He muttered.
'If the trees stop hating us once we do this, then I'll trust him. Until then, I say follow.'
'Grain, you're making a lot of stupid mistakes.' Pearl sighed. 'Renvolio's right. We shouldn't trust Captain Jack or Din Djarin.'
'Well, they're our only chance of survival...' Grian followed the pair off. Renvolio and Pearlie shared a concerned glance before following offstage. The trees disappeared backstage too, replaced with Tango and Zedaph.
'You didn't tell me Dr Evil wanted the Evil Machine to be finished by today! Come on, Zed-evil!' Doofenshmirtz complained, entering the stage again.
'Well, I'm sorry, Doofenshmirtz. But Dr Evil set the date forwards by a few days. Apparently the villagers are resisting...'
'Well, I wasn't told about it. You were supposed to tell me everything.'
'Dr Evil came to tell you to hurry up a bit, please!' Xisuma walked onstage saying, still unable to sound evil. 'You know how he is when it comes to world-destroying technology...'
'Yeah... but with our cunning and evil we're taking longer than he would expect.'
'Dr Evil said the Evil Machine has to be finished now...'
'Well it's not, because someone didn't tell me Dr Evil had brought forwards the deadline.' Tango glared pointedly at Zedaph.
'It's both of your faults. Dr Evil wants it to be completed as soon as possible.'
'And completing it by now isn't possible!'
'SILENCE!' Xisuma yelled. A startled silence followed 'Get it done by tonight or you're both going to pay...' he walked offstage. Doofenshmirtz and Zed-evil exchanged worried looks, before running off after.
We're still not out of the forest...' Renvolio muttered as he walked onstage. Grain shrugged back.
'Yeah... but I'm sure Captain Jack and Din Djarin know the right way. Besides, those trees aren't attacking us any more.'
'We are trees, you're not welcome.' The trees spoke.
'And... You stand corrected.' Pearlie sighed. 'Look, we can't trust them! They're just led us further into this place.'
'Well maybe they have good intentions in their actions...'
'Fine...'
'I'M SHREK!' Jevin yelled as he ran onstage, standing with legs apart and too much energy for his own good. 'F*** OFF!'
With a look over at Tommy and Jack in the audience, Grian replied with a dramatic.
'You f*** off!'
The pair went insane.
'GRIAN SWORE! OH MY GOODNESS GRIAN SWORE!' Was their repeated yell as the scene continued
'Get back, foul swamp demon, or I shall slay you!' Renvolio pointed a fake sword at Shrek the Swamp King.
'Never!'
'Should we run?' Grain interrupted.
'Probably.'
'Don't worry! He's friendly!' Scar forced Renvolio to drop his sword. 'See?'
'I control the trees, and the forest around you. We are trees, you're not welcome. We are trees, you're not welcome. We are trees, you're not welcome!'
'If I may intervene.' Captain Jack stood in front of Shrek the Swamp King 'We just want to get out of the forest. Can you show us the way?'
'Why are you going through the forest?'
'We're killing Dr Evil.' Grain explained.
'Fine! It's this way. Be gone with you idiots!'
'Thank you, oh swamp king, for letting us through.' Captain Jack thanked as Jevin stepped out of the way to let the group pass, walking offstage. Jevin left it, and the scene changed.
'Captain Jack, are you sure this is the right way?' Renvolio asked, reentering behind Cub and Scar. Grian and Pearl were just behind him.
'Oh yeah, I'm sure. Now we've got through the forest, the mountains are just ahead.'
'I'm glad we're out the forest. It was very colostrophobic.' Agreed Scar.
'Yeah, it was quite claustrophobic.' Grian replied. 'We would've been walking around there for ages if he hadn't arrived.'
'We had a map that would've told us the way. Someone just decided to use a different one instead.'
'Our map works!'
'Yeah, I can see the mountains just ahead.' He pointed at 'the mountain'.
'Eventually... my route would've been much quicker. If it wasn't for these idiots here.' Renvolio muttered
'I'm not an idiot!' Replied Scar defensively. 'And Cub isn't either!'
'I'm glad you still trust me, Din Djarin.' Captain Jack replied darkly. Scar looked over at him, a look of mock terror filling his face.
'What does THAT mean?' Renvolio stepped forwards.
'Oh, don't worry.' Cub crossed the stage to where Ren was standing.
And stabbed him.
'REN! NO!' Scar let out a howl of complete and utter horror. 'Captain Jack! I trusted you! Why would you do that?!'
Captain Jack laughed a villain laugh that was impressively terrifying.
'Dr Evil sends his regards, Din Djarin. And the rest of you too. You're not getting to his fortress any time soon.'
'I trusted you.' Din Djarin and Captain Jack faced each other. . Renvolio staggered dramatically 'downstage', falling to his knees.
'It has been an honour to travel with you.' He spoke hoarsely. Pearlie pretended to cry, and Grain did too. 'My friends, my allies... thank you for giving me one... more... adventure.' He collapsed dead. Joel pretended he wasn't sobbing in the audience. Tommy was on his feet, and Wilbur had to force him into sitting down again.
'Oh my goodness! Renvolio's dead!' Pearl continued. 'Who would do something like this?'
'Captain Jack... how could you do this?!' Grian choked out, not knowing what else to say.
'I'm on Dr Evil's side. I always have been. So go back to your little village, if Dr Evil's two stupid friends haven't blown it up yet, and stay there, because no one can defeat him! You're all stupid. Why would I actually help you? Especially this one, Din Djarin. It's not my fault he's way too trusting for his own good.' Captain Jack let out another evil laugh.
'You will pay for this!' He vowed, picking up Renvolio's sword from the ground.
'You think you can defeat me?' Laughed back Captain Jack. 'Never!'
Scar 'attacked' and the two started an epic battle. Tommy started yelling support from the audience, joined by Martyn, Scott, Jimmy, Wilbur and Jack. Even Dream seemed (slightly) impressed. Eventually, Cub ran offstage, Scar following.
'Din Djarin! No!' Grain scrambled to his feet and ran after, as did Pearlie, as the stage turned to blackout and Ren inconspicuously ran off.
A moment later, the group entered again, where Impulse and False had entered.
'Who goes there?' Impulse began.
'We come in peace to find Dr Evil.' Grain explained. 'Do you know where he is?'
'He's past the Ice Queen's fort.' False explained. 'If you wish to see her, I must warn you... she has quite the cold personality.'
'A bad personality is alright.' Grain shrugged.
'Grain, Renvolio was just killed by Captain Jack. We need to stop trusting people!' Pearlie muttered.
'We still need to trust some people! I'm the chosen one! I'm supposed to kill Dr Evil!'
'I lost him.' Scar appears onstage, genuinely breathless. 'He... he's too fast.'
'Is this one with you?' Impulse improvised
'Yes, he is. Din Djaren. I'm Grain, this is Pearlie.'
'We still can't let you through.'
Stress ran onstage, past Impulse and False and began.
'GUARDS! KILL THE TRAITORS!' She declared.
'I told you we couldn't trust anyone!' Pearlie snapped. Din Djarin pulled out Renvolio's sword.
'No! Don't make us kill them!' Impulse burst out. 'We don't want to work for you!' ('Yeah! Go Impulse!' -Skizz)
'What are you willing to give me in order to be free?'
'We give you the chosen one!' False declared.
'No! Not Grian!' Cried Scar.
'The chosen one? Well then, you are free. Try to stop Dr Evil without him!'
'Grian! No!' Pearlie yelled as Grian followed Stress offstage and Impulse and False ran off the other side. Tommy was swearing loudly and consistently in the audience. Even Skizz's support for Impulse had promptly ended. Scar and Pearl ran offstage as well.
There was a long blackout for the audience to 'recover' in. Joel was crying again, with Lizzie comforting him. Scott was just laughing at him. Wilbur asked Joe who played The Ice Queen so he could find her after the play was over. But before he could answer, the next scene was set up.
Tango and Zedaph were onstage, finishing the set up of The Death Machine/TNT cannon. Din Djarin and Pearlie ran on just after.
'Oh no! It's those villagers that were resisting! We need to stop them!' Zedaph pointed at them, faking terror. 'Doofenshmirtz! What should we do?'
'Kill them! There's only two of them!'
'We'll defeat you! For kidnapping Grain and enslaving us to the Ice Queen!' Impulse ran onstage, followed by False. Skizz cheered again.
'If you think you can defeat Dr Evil, you're wrong! We will stop you!' Tango declared. Captain Jack and Xisuma appeared on his side of the stage. A large booing rose from the audience. Cub glared jokingly at them.
'Maybe we can talk it out.' Pearl offered instead.
Dr Evil won't let you do something like that! He'll kill you!' Tango scoffed.
'Exactly! The chosen one is dead! The ice queen killed him!' Captain Jack agreed. 'I'd like to see that idiot stop me.'
'Fine. Then we must fight you. For the hermit lands! And for justice!' Pearl ran forwards to fight, Tango came to join her, and the rest of the planned fight began, which went surprisingly well in terms of choreography. The four protagonists were defeated, and Doc appeared in a burst of lightning and other special effects
'Well, well, well, you think you can beat me?'
'We'll never give up!' Scar yelled back, pinned to the ground by Captain Jack.
'Yeah!' Agreed Impulse, not in any particular peril due to how nice Xisuma was. 'We'll kill you, Dr Evil! We won't let you enact your evil plans!'
'The resistance is over, and I am here to kill you all! Mwahahahahaha!'
'YOU B****! YOU KILLED GRIAN!' Interrupted Jack Manifold in the audience.
'Oh no he didn't!' Grian appeared, standing precariously at the top of the set and the audience went insane. Tommy was LITERALLY CRYING, Martyn punched the air. Jimmy and Wilbur yelled a ton of encouragement, as he jumped down, gliding expertly towards Doc. Tango ran for the Death Machine, but Grain landed before he could reach it.
'Not a chance you pathetic minions!' He cried triumphantly.
'Come on, Zed-evil! Let's go!' Tango grabbed Zedaph's hand and they ran from the stage. Din Djarin finally broke free from Captain Jack's grip, killing him.
Cubfan135 was slain by GoodTimeWithScar.
'YES SCAR! YOU UTTER LEGEND!' Cheered Dream. Scar punched the air with two hands, ecstatic.
'Thanks Dream!' He called back.
'Well then, Dr Evil. Do you surrender?'
'Never!' Doc pressed the button to fire the Death Machine and it shot TNT straight towards the audience. Joe was about to yell something when it landed in water, blowing up harmlessly. Grian 'killed' Doc, and everyone cheered again, including Joe, and the stage went dark before the final, previously unrehearsed, scene.
The main characters walked onto the stage triumphantly, especially Scar, who was still buzzing from Dream complimenting him (wouldn't we all be?). All the hermits playing the villagers were onstage, cheering.
'Well done! You're our heroes!' Beef called over.
'Congratulations!' Added Gem.
'I knew you could do it!' Sells-knight grinned.
Silence.
'Mumbo it's your line!' Grian broke character to say.
'Hooray!'
More cheering from the audience, and Grian stepped forwards for his final line.
'I hope you enjoyed the show... Joel, Tommy, Wilbur, Dream, and everyone else. All I can say now is...'
'Don't trust Cub!' Interrupted Scar. Grian burst out laughing.
'And don't force Jevin into almost wearing a dress. Trust me. It doesn't work. But all I can say is thank you for joining us on this adventure of friendship, betrayal, bravery, and excitement.'
The stage went dark and everyone realised they'd have to do bows. Cub finally returned from being dead, as first the villagers and Cleo ran on (applause), then the trees (lots of applause and a round of 'we are trees! We are trees!') Jevin (a lot of yelling about Shrek and Martyn saying he'd stolen Joel's entire franchise), Doc, Xisuma, Tango and Zedaph (more applause), Impulse and False (applause and Skizz being Skizz), Cub, Ren and Scar (a mix of ecstatic applause and booing, plus an extra mini sword fight between Cub and Scar), Pearl (further applause), and finally Grian, (The audience went insane), who called a very emotional Joe to the stage and let him speak.
'Rule one of putting on a play: it will always go well on the night. I should've remembered that because I was getting very unhappy at these stupid idiots and... they're legends.'
'Yeah we are!' Ren yelled excitedly. Another lot of applause.v
'Now, I need to rest and sort out my emotions. Everyone... give it up one more time for the actors of The Hermit Play.'
This chapter is over 3700 words
I regret nothing.