Song: I'll fight - Daughtry
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Nate
I never thought I would have fly-fright. But to be honest, I never really catch a plane. The most was that one time when the varsity team fly to Texas for a final. But that was half as long and we were all buzzed with the excitement of the win.
This was different.
It'd been already a few hours and we still got half the journey ahead of us. And we were forty-two hundred feet above the ground. I close my eyes tight, focusing on my breathing and slowing the loud beat of my heart.
Was it all worth it?
What if my mother was lying? What if she forgot I was supposed to be coming? What if... What if Harold was there?
"Hey." I turned to look at Hailey as she smiled, she had a half munched peanut little bag in one hand and the laptop opened over her legs. On her other side was Shane, his body turned towards the window and with his earpieces plugged in. I think he'd been sleeping after the first twenty minutes in. Maybe the first twenty seconds. Hailey head tilted. "You're okay?"
I gulped. "Peachy."
"Mhm." she nodded, not buying a word, and after another careful look she offered me one peanut. "Hungry?"
I shook my head. There was no way I was keeping anything down now... well, more like there was no way anything was making it through my tight throat at the moment. "Thanks."
The plane made a little shake and I felt my stomach dancing painfully with it, making my breath hitch. Hours. There were still hours ahead of us. God help me.
"I didn't realize you were afraid of heights."
I scoffed at her words, smiling as if that would make me forget the cold sweat down my spine. "I'm not."
"No?"
I shook my head glancing lazily over the laptop forgotten on her lap. She was writing something, but I couldn't focus on the words there. "No. But the fact that there barely anything between us and a long fall..."
"So you're afraid of flights?"
"Of falling." I corrected, clearing my throat when it came out hoarsely. "Who isn't?"
"I'm not saying-" but she was cut when turbulence shook the plane harsher this time, making me gasp and I clenched my hands around the arm resters -trapping Hailey's against the one between us. A bit too tight and she flinched.
"Sorry." I forced my finger to loosen but she turned her palm upwards and intertwined our hands.
And it was grounding.
"So," she grinned, turning in the narrow seat as much as she could so she was facing me, her side against the back of the plane seat and that cute smile playing on her lips. And her hand on mine. "Have you heard Riley's drama? He's looking for a place."
She was distracting me. It didn't take a genious to understand that, and it left a warm feeling within all the stress as the plane kept on its tracky moment of tremblings.
I hummed. Riley. Looking for a place.
"Well, good luck."
"Yeah, renting in Providence isn't exactly cheat. I mean you know it."
"No..." focus on her voice. Not on the giant machine shaking thousands of feet above the ground. "I'm not renting. I bought the apartment."
"What?" she frowned, not having expected that. "Wow. You'll have to tell me your secret."
"My secret?"
"To be able to buy an apartment at 23."
"My father died." I shrugged and I could tell she froze at my words.
"Your... father?"
She sounded like she didn't know if she could even ask and I chuckled dryly, returning her gaze. There was definitely something anchoring in the piercing soft blue of her eyes. "Believe me, I was just as surprised. Never heard of him since I was a toddler and a few months ago his lawyer contacted me." I tried not to grimace at the memory. "Apparently, not only I am his sole heir since he never marry again, it allowed me to pay the guarantee, a bit more and I'll be done in a few years."
Hailey nodded, not having expected my answer. Thinking through her next words. "I'm sorry."
"I didn't know him, Hailey." I shook my head. I barely remembered the man before he left us and then he never contact again. He vanished.
Until I was contacted by the lawyer, I didn't even have him in my mind. Mourning him had been the strangest feeling because I couldn't, but at the same time it felt like a lost. I dare not to think much about him since I moved into the apartment.
The man abandoned us, left the door open for Harold to come and he just forget about us for years. Using his money to buy a place was the least I could do.
And I wasn't feeling guilty about it.
It allowed me the needed break from New York and to start building something on my own.
"Don't feel sorry for me." I asked her lowly. My throat a bit tighter now at the undertone in her voice. Pity? My skin crept just at the thought.
"I'm not. I just... When my father died everything was weird, and blurred and if I'd know you... I don't know what to say?"
"You don't have to say anything. Like I said, I didn't know him. Not really." And what I knew... wasn't exactly good. "It wasn't like with you and your father. We didn't have any kind of bond." I looked over at her laptop again, needing another topic. "So what were you doing?"
"Oh this?" Hailey followed my gaze to the screen. "Not much. Looking out for something to write about the next week."
"Mhm. Another scandal? Some new celebrity?"
"Tabloids aren't something bad." she slouched a bit in her seat.
"I never said they were."
She hummed, looking at the screen with contempt and closing the laptop as if the sight bothered her. With her free hand, because her other was still laced with mine. "It's just that sometimes I wish I could write about something else."
"Like?"
"I don't know. Something that matters. Do some research, look out for stuff... be more a journalist and less a paparazzi."
I hummed, looking down at our hands and unconsciously fiddling with hers. "What would you write about if given the chance?"
"Something that demands investigation." Hailey smiled, her body lenguage changing and relaxing as she confessed so. "I love doing research. I love joining the points and finding connections... but so far all my ideas on something more substantial are all passed to someone more prepared to work it through." she sighed. "Even Stella corrects my stuff in our own section. Sometimes it almost feels like I'm not quite cut out for it."
"That's bullshit." it came out too quick but it was true. "You like to write and you do good investigations. Have I told you I read your Scarlet letter?"
There was a soft smile gracing her lips. "Yeah, you did."
The plane shook again and my fingers clenched around her hand, but it didn't quite unnerved me as much as before. Instead of complaining, her thumb brushed over my knuckles and I felt my muscles melting infimesly. Hailey just seemed to always know what button to press.
"What would you do if you could do anything you want?" she wondered, again obviously aiming to take my mind off the fly stress. But it was succeeding.
"Open my own garage."
"Really?"
"Is it really that surprising?"
"I guess not." she hummed, letting go of my hand and I felt it tugging at my chest. Like jumping into the deep end without the parachute of her support. She smiled at my look but took one peanut to her lips and held over the plastic bag between us. "Want one?"
I shook my head, taking her hand again and slumped back against the plane seat. "How much time is left?"
Hailey eyed her hand in mine, but didn't comment on it and the lace in my chest eased a bit. "About three hours." she said and I sighed. Too long. "Why don't you try to sleep it off?"
"So you can go back to work?"
"So it feels shorter for you." she rolled her eyes but there was that tug at her lip. Shane shifted in his seat, attracting our attention as he moved in his sleep; but I forced myself to look away before I could see through the window he was leaning against. And Hailey noticed, of course. "Now really, you never told me you had a fear of flying."
"You have a fear of kittens."
"Ha ha. Not exactly, but we're talking about you."
I shrugged, still uncomfortable with the term 'fear of flying'. To me it felt more like a primal instinct not to leave the land. "I haven't travelled enough to tell. Much rather dig a road trip."
She hummed, her thumb brushed across my knuckles once more and I took a deep breath. "You should have told me. Next time we could work around that."
"Next time?"
There was something warm in the way she spoke about future plans. But she rolled her eyes turning to sit facing forward once more, leaving the little plastic bag resting on her legs and opened the laptop again. Keeping her hand on mine. "Just listen to me and try to sleep. We'll be landing in no time."
Terms like 'landing' were unsettling too, but I guess she had a point. And I found myself more relaxed now and slouched further against the back of the seat, feeling my eyes heavy.
"If we go down, don't wake me up." I half-joked, tiredly and she giggled under her nose. The noise enough to make me more chill.
"Don't worry, that won't happen."
I hummed but let it all embrace me and surprisingly falling asleep wasn't as hard as I first thought.
........................................
I may have slept, but I hadn't rested at all.
I woke up when landing to more anxiety until we were safe on land and this time I didn't take Hailey's hand. Well, I did, but Shane was awake and he gave it such a look that made me rethink it and retreat.
We only have with us the cabin bags and one big luggage. Because Hailey still didn't phantom what light travelling meant. But once we gathered it, we weren't entertained exiting the airport and took a cab. It was really late -or rather early in the morning. Sunday was spiking up with its first reddish sunlights peaking on the horizon, bathing all the so known and also strange landscape as we exited Sacramento and drove further into the path back home.
Home.
It didn't feel like coming back home. It didn't even feel like coming back.
The closer we got, the more it thinned the years of distance, like I was being drawled back into the eighteen first years of my existence. A dark, twisted place I never want to remember.
The cab came to a halt when we reached the last square on the outskirts of the little town. My mother's apartment was at ten minute walk from here, and the Grace's farm a little further, but I think they've said they were being picked up.
I think.
I felt like my mind was filled with cotton, looking around the place I knew inch by inch through the first part of my life. Ever since Harold became more oppressive, I spend more night out than in. Sometimes in someone's place, sometimes just making time to go back. My gaze slid through the square. The same benches, the same threes, the same broken swing fixed with white rubber...
Everything was the same and different at once. And I felt the crushing pressure of this bottled up emotions sitting down on my chest like a tone of bricks.
I barely noticed Hailey paying the driver and getting out until she poked her head back inside.
"Hey. You're coming?" it felt as if I was hearing her under the water but I managed a nod, forcing myself out the car. All my limbs ticked with numbness as I glanced around. Her head tilted, parting her lips as if to say something, but her phone began to ring. She took it out, glanced the screen and back at me, hesitating. "Are you alright?"
No.
But I smiled and after another moment of doubt, she decided to let me be. I closed the door as Hailey attended the call and Shane stretched and yawned beside the passenger's door.
There were a few children playing in the square, a group having early breakfast on the bar a little further... and everything was so loud and messy. Even in the almost empty streets at this time in the morning. Or was it my ears buzzing? I took a deep breath, letting oxygen get in my system and got rid of some of the foggy exterior, clearing my perception.
I let my eyelids slid close as a cold breeze brushed my face. Come on, get a fucking grip.
My gaze dragged to Hailey pacing across the road, frowning and talking fast to the phone. She wasn't distracting me this time. I needed to do something. I straightened my spine, clearing my throat.
"I'll..." What? You what? "I'll take the luggage." I offered then moving to the trunk but Shane reached me there in no time.
"I'll get it."
"It's okay." I pulled the door open, easily spotting the large pale green suitcase laying there. "It's heavy."
"I said I get it." he practically pushed me out the way and I stepped back, raising my hands at his glare.
"Hey, I'm trying to help here."
"We don't need your help."
"Okay." I brushed my neck. He had such a way to make me feel unwelcome everywhere. And small, and lame and wrong... I swallowed. I'd thought after fixing things with his sister and her inviting me to the wedding and the trip, he would loosen up. A little at least. But it looked like the odds were against it. I cleared my throat again. "So, have you thought-"
"We don't have to talk." he cut me, settling the suitcase down on the ground -with difficulty. He then slammed the trunk door shut and patted its top, signaling the driver to drive away. My brows pursed at his sharp tone, but he wasn't done and rolled his eyes fiddling with the handle of the luggage, pulling it up. "The trip has been nice and all but let's not pretend we're all happy about it. I'm really not in the mood to play it off."
"What's wrong with you?" I grumbled, unable to bite my tongue. Unable to keep acting like he didn't treat me like I was the reason of everything wrong in this world. "I'm just trying to meet you mid way."
"Midway?"
"Look. I'm sorry okay." he rolled his eyes again and I hated the dismissal of the gesture. Like my words didn't even matter or held meaning at all. "Hailey knows I'm sorry."
He narrowed his eyes and once more I had the certainty I had said the wrong thing. "Hailey. Sure."
What was that supposed to mean? I frowned. "Shane, look. I am sorry. And I'm trying to make things right. We don't have to be friends but-"
"We don't?" He scoffed, like I'd pushed a button and he broke his cold shoulder to glare at me. "We were friends, were we not? I mean before you were a total dick."
I wasn't expecting that.
"I... I guess."
Again, I failed to answer right.
His hand clenched on the handle of the suitcase. "You guess. Well, you were cool and I... I don't know, I thought we were friends, okay? Besides you being with my sister."
"Yes. We were." I said, but his anger only increased. "Shane-"
"Don't bother. I don't care anymore. And you just prove you never consider me such. I get it. Stupid little brother. Always in the middle when you couldn't even gut acting decent with Hails."
"Shane." I stepped forward, the irritation shifting to something entirely different the more he speaks. "It wasn't like that. You were cool and I liked you. Of course we were friends."
"Oh really? Because you didn't even bother to say goodbye."
"Come on, people move on with their lives." I stressed. "People leave all the time. It's not like I was dating you."
"Right." he chuckled but it was a wry sound, and he stepped back, looking away as if he couldn't bear my presence anymore, brushing his hair frustratedly. "You hurt Hailey, you treated her poorly and you just... you disappeared. I don't know what I expected. If you couldn't care to make things right with her, who cares about the damn brother, right?"
A wave of guilt flickered me from inside out. "That's not-"
"It's whatever, okay? I don't care." he took another step away, shaking his head and Hailey chose that moment to end the call and joined us.
"Hey, are you-"
"We're leaving, right?" cut in Shane pushing pass her not even waiting for the answer. Eager to get away from me before I could even say anything else.
But what was there to say?
Once more, he was right.
He had been when he called me out on being a dick to Hailey, and he definitely was now on not even considering I had some kind of responsibility over others too. I never seem to do and people around keep getting hurt.
Hailey's eyebrows pursed in confusion staring Shane's retreating back and the turned towards me. "Did something happened?"
Apparently, yes. I hurt yet someone else on my kamikaze ways out of this very town. But I shook my head at her, my mouth dry and unable to phantom the very idea of having yet messed with someone else. Again.
"I'll just... go." I muttered. The knot in my chest too tight to actually process it. And I had to go see my mother.
My mother.
Was the air getting too thin now?
"Hey." Hailey's finger tipped my chin making me look at her and she smiled. Soft waves of goosebumps spread from that spot she grazed. "You'll be okay."
"Mhm."
"Say it."
I rolled my eyes at her bossy tone, but find my lip twitching a little. "I'll be okay."
"That's right." she hesitated. "You want me to come with?"
Come with. To meet my mother? When I didn't even know myself how would she receive me?
No way.
"It's better if I go alone."
"You sure?"
I smiled, but it was plainly clear she didn't buy it. I wasn't even buying it myself.
All I wanted to do was fly back to Providence and spend the rest of the weekend processing this weight on my own. Understanding what really happened. Deciding what to do next... This had only been the beginning and I already felt exhausted and done.
"Nate?"
I shook the awful feeling off my head, focusing back on her and to make my 'hold it together' more believable.
"Just wish me good luck."
Hailey gave me a look, one that told me that she was seeing right through my mask but a little humored too and she surprised me by standing on her tiptoes. Her lips ghosted over my cheek for the faintest second making my heart jolt and everything else vanished from my mind for as long as it lasted.
"Good luck." wished and I nodded, lost of words. She smiled. "Call me later if you want to talk."
I nodded again and watched her leave to join Shane on the other end of the square where he had slumped on a bench to wait for whoever would pick them up.
I wanted to call her just as she stepped away. Tell her to forget about our original plans and the confusing boundaries of being just friends and go loose time together somewhere we could forget about the world.
But I couldn't do that.
If something I'd learned, is that brushing problems under the rug doesn't make them go away. It made them worse.
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Hey! I know it took me a while to update, been really busy lately. Let me know what are your thoughts. Is Shane right? What should happen next??
I also know this one was short but I had next chapter almost done and ready, so if we make it to 4650 votes I'm posting it soon!! Love you all and thanks for reading so far <3
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