Song: My mistakes - Matthew Nolan
........................................
Nate
Kyle and I had been working on the flat since the early morning. We'd gone over the rooms and start to run out of paint when we were midways through the loft main room. Now the sun was beginning to set and I was tired and a total mess. I got some paint stains in my clothes, but at least I'd thought about that and put on some old tracksuit I'd rescued from the very bottom of my wardrobe back in New York.
So far I had most of my things in Kimmy's place with Spoty as well and some bigger stuff like the TV and the couch were in a rented storage that was fleecing me for the week I would be needing it. The flat now looked weird. Oddly empty, spacious with large pieces of plastic over the woodblock ground and the marble counter separating the open kitchen from here. Once the walls were done, I would only need to buy the last remaining furniture and I would finally feel at home.
I hope.
"Dude." Kyle nudged me letting his paintbrush on the can beside my feet and snapping me out my concentrated daze.
"What?" I wondered lowly and he frowned at me, putting his hands on his hips and not caring that the paint in his palms was trespassing to his shirt.
"Aren't you gonna do anything?" he whispered back pointing with his head to where Hailey was standing by the window, taking care of the furthest place, focused solely on her task at hand and nodding her head lightly at the music coming from Kyle's phone.
My stomach tightened, pulling my gaze away from her before she could notice we were talking about her.
"What do you want me to do?" I gritted out through clenched teeth. "She's here because all her other plans failed. And because Kimmy asked her to be nice to me." if it wasn't for the fortunate run-in in the parking lot earlier that afternoon, I wasn't even sure she would have talked to me at all after our last fight. "It's clear she doesn't want to be here."
"But she is." he insisted as if not seeing my point. "And she was nice enough."
"To you." I hadn't failed to notice their easy talking whenever they cross paths. It shouldn't, but it messed me that she was so cold towards me and all cool with Kyle. I mean, I get it, but it stung the same.
"Have you apologized?"
I sighed, forcing my tense muscles to uncench. "I did. And it did little to nothing."
"So, what are you gonna do?" he pressed again and I glared.
"I'm working on it, okay?" I stressed and he snorted.
"I can see that." he eyed me for a moment, and it unsettled me I could see the wheel in his brain turning before his eyes sparkled. "Hey, Just Hailey." my heart dipped as he called for her, frightened he would say the wrong thing. Kyle wasn't one to play subtly. But he just grinned at her when I felt her gaze moving here. "I'm going to get us something for dinner. Any special request?"
"Oh, eh, no thanks." I looked over at her just as she looked away and my blood seemed to get denser. "I should probably get going soon, anyway..."
"Well, I'm getting extra whatever I find first in case you stay." he dismissed her excuse moving to take his stuff from the table and giving me one last eloquent look he headed for the door, leaving behind a weird environment. And since the idiot took the phone with him it summed us in this thick silence.
I'm gonna kill him.
I sighed forcefully, my chest heavy as I squeezed my brain for the right way to proceed now.
Last time we spoke, she was more mad than what she let on. And I couldn't be sure if she was here because she wanted to, because she wanted to please Kimmy or because she was shaken still by that crept. As much as I was glad we were sharing the same space, I had wanted it to be on her conditions, making sure the next time we spoke she would want it. Now that plan had gone down the drain and I wasn't sure about anything anymore.
"I'm sorry about him." I muttered spinning the brush in my fingers and glaring the front door Kyled just slammed closed. "I promise he's not as annoying as he looks."
"It's fine. He's fine." Hailey said back from her side of the room.
She was sitting on the other end of the room, legs criss-crossed and focused on her task at hand, her fingers tainted with paint and there was also a spot on her neck and hair's hems of the strand behind her ear, making me think she'd brushed it off without thinking.
I couldn't help but take the chance to look at her properly, feeling the ache at the bottom of my chest. Her large blue eyes, the soft lines of her features and the enticing way she bit her lip in concentration. Or how she frowned in annoyance. Or just every small gesture I though I'd forgotten about her.
It was ridiculous how she was still the prettiest girl to me. Even in my oversized shirt I lent her not to stain her blouse and with her hair up in a simple ponytail. And that realization got me burning from inside.
She began turning her head, as if sensing my gaze on her and I managed to look away and casually looked back, as if I was the one catching her looking and not the other way around. Even from across the room, I could see her blush, but my unease didn't falter one bit.
"It's okay that I'm here?" Hailey decided to wonder out loud to my further surprise. She wryly smiled, awkwardly, and looked away clearly uncomfortable. "You can say it, I know it's weird."
Was it? Maybe we had some weird history, and I for sure had made a lot of mistakes she still hadn't gotten over... and that I hadn't properly apologized for. Much like Kyle had pointed out. But when I moved here I had the thought of trying to clear the history with her. Start anew. And what was it that she said? Ex's shall stay in the past?
So yeah, maybe it was a bit weird that we were spending time together just like that when our last real conversation had ended like such a failure.
"Are you here because Kimmy asked you to play nice?" I asked, more bitter than intended and as my heart skirted I realized how bad that one had hurt.
I know she wasn't at the moment, but that really had stung when she said it the other night. I mean, yeah, I'd done things that she was more than right to be mad about; but the thought that she was only spending pity time with me because our mutual friend asked her to was more than my soul could take.
I get it, but it hurt.
And also, my pride had been touched.
She grimaced, looking away and towards the white wall again. "I didn't mean it like that. Well, I did, but it was wrong of me."
There was an even tenser squeeze in my chest. She keeps apologizing and taking back words she meant on my behalf, and I was yet to make her see I was aware I was the one in the wrong. And that whole situation felt even more wrong.
"No, it wasn't." I sighed. "Listen, Hailey." I prepared myself, taking air. "I am sorry."
She frowned at the wall, painting another line lightly focused on neither that or me. It felt she was rather far away, her mind somewhere else. "I know."
"No, I mean really sorry." I pressed, knowing she wasn't getting the whole picture. It was my fault, I knew it, but it was so hard to get the things out of my chest. I clenched my hold on the brush. Just let it out. "Look, I was going through a lot of things when we were in high school."
"I know that." I could see her tensing as well and she lowered her own brush, pursing her brows together as if bracing herself for what to come.
"No." I shook my head. I hated this. But at least I owed her that, didn't I? So I forced out: "I was really messed up. I was lost and..." I could feel my own words failing to make sense. To both me and her. If I really wanted to look less like the villan of this like she was surely seeing me. "And we worked out for a while, we really did, but I wasn't ready to be in a relationship back then. I needed to fix a lot of things myself and-"
"I would have weighted you down."
"What? No!" I brushed my hair. Why was I so awkward with words? "You made me happy, but I wasn't. And having you back then would only make me delay fixing what really needed to be taken care of in the first place."
"Or I could have been a support, you know?" Hailey talked back, lowly. Resentment so evident in her collected tone it stung way more than I should allow and gave her the time to comment further. "That's what people do. Rely on their partner. Help carry it all."
"I wasn't overwhelmed by the situation, Hailey. I was the situation." How shameful was that? I looked away not to combust at reliving it all. "It was all a mess and I needed to figure shit out on my own so I could get better and be better with others as well."
"Still, we could have-"
" I didn't need you to fix me." I stated vehemently. I knew there was something that we weren't getting out the way yet for the way her lips pursed into a tight line and she frowned, still not looking at me. We weren't seeing eye to eye yet and I didn't know why, but Kyle was right and I need to at least apologize properly. So I kept going: "You loved me and that was enough."
Her gaze dropped then, as she blinked rapidly down at her hands, rolling the brush she was holding and avoiding looking this way no matter what. Which I wished she did. I was in a buzz and I found myself yearning for her to return my gaze. Maybe then this would feel right. Or it would guide me somehow because at the moment I just felt like -no matter how much I tried- each word I said was the wrong choice.
"It clearly wasn't." she whispered then, barely letting me hear that and I furrowed my brows. Hailey cleared her throat, strengthening her voice and repeated: "It wasn't enough. You left me."
"Because I was relying on you too much. I couldn't let my well being hang on one person. It wouldn't have been fair nor healthy. No matter how much I loved you-"
"Can we not use those terms?" she cut me with a slight grimace and my lungs densened.
"Which ones?"
"Love." she blushed clenching her grip on the brush and my heart dipped several inched at once, making me feel lightheaded. "I just don't feel comfortable with it."
"Okay." my throat closed with emotion and I really wished it wasn't noticeable.
I just keep messing up, didn't I? But as much as the rational part of me got why she wanted to avoid getting too personal, I couldn't but feel the pang of rejection that struck me at her denial. Which was ridiculous, but real as fuck.
"How do you propose we say it then?" I sounded kinda pissed now, but everything was buzzing in my head and spiraling in my mind and chest like a hurricane.
"Let's just not." she frowned down and I felt more and more of that bitter dejection. I'd known after everything she would probably not believe me, but I really wish she did. The last thing I wanted was to be at war with her out of everyone.
"I thought you wanted an apology."
"Well, I don't anymore." she sounded snappier now, like losing her patience and she got up from her sitting position, getting on her feet while carefully maneuvering with her dirty hands raised not to stain anything. "The whole point of apologizing is acknowledging your wrong, not shading it with something else."
My brows pursed together, unprepared for her anger once more. "I'm not shading anything."
"You're completely dodging the point. Making excuses." Hailey shook her head, frustrated with me. "You hurt me. You had your reasons, I get that, but you're not just you. What you chose to do affect others around and you shoved all that under the rug because your pain is greater." My mouth dried. Did I do that? Hailey sighed, brushing her hair backwards, staining it lightly without thinking. "I don't want you telling me you loved me and guilt-tripping me for 'ignoring you' for years. Or using that as shield for what you did."
"That's not what I'm doing." I said harsher now, getting defensive too over the act that she was so on the edge. I deserve it, but I was opening up and she was dismissing it all as some kind of manipulation? I could feel my chest tight as I struggled to keep my tone as gentle as I could manage. "I did wrong. I did you wrong. I know that." I realized we were now standing closer as she'd stepped closer and so had during the quarrel. It made me feel unsteady and boozy somehow. "I wasn't fair with you. I fucking know that."
Her lips curled, like holding back a sneer. "Do you?"
"Yes." words burned on their way out, but this time she was holding my gaze and I could see the sea of emotions there, matching mine. It only made me more impulsive, the collected speech I had half rehearsed completely gone and I was just pouring things out at this point. "I didn't end things right. That was my mess. I'm sorry. I am sorry. I have been since then, but I needed to be away from you." she scoffed, tearing her gaze away, each word aching in my throat and I could see the equally painful process as they sink into her, but that only made me more vulnerable somehow. Forcing my voice to calm down I continued: "That had nothing to do with you, tho. I had shit to get done, and I had to get it done on my own. To get better. But of course I'm sorry about hurting you. I never wanted that."
Hailey folded her arms, hoping to hide how shaky they were because a part of me knew she knew I had a point. I was just hanging, waiting for her to react in some kinda way. In any way. But she wasn't even looking at me and my heartbeat fastened.
Finally, she breathed harshly through her nose. "And are you? Are you better now?"
I was thrown away by that question, not having expected it at all. "Yes."
"Good." Good? I watched her carefully. Did I believe that? Sensing my confused thoughts, she looked away, forcing out: "Believe it or not, I'm glad you are better. Really. But that doesn't make me feel better about everything else. Definitely not about how things went down."
"Hailey..."
"Whatever. I get it." she raised her hands, stepping back and shutting down the conversation. Just like that.
"We should talk about this." I tried, feeling rather anticlimactic, and instead of getting this out my chest I felt like it had only messed the situation further.
"What? You want to make it up to me?"
I grimaced at my own words from some nights ago. "That sounds stupid, but yes. I really don't want us to be at war." but Hailey wasn't listening and I grew kinda anxious because as she spoke her thoughts I realized I'd messed more than I intent.
"We're not. You're sorry. I get it."
She didn't. She was just saying that. And I couldn't stand the clenching feeling inside me.
Cutting the bonds with my mother and Harold had been by far the most difficult thing I've ever done, but I postponed it way longer than I should have. Once I finally made up my mind, I needed to act before that same toxic environment closed around me once more and hold me hostage some more.
But whether I needed to be selfish at the moment and I didn't regret my choice, I did hurt her in the process regardless. That was what Hailey was struggling for me to understand and what I needed to really apologize for. Without excusing myself.
But she was already giving up and moving back as if to retreat and I acted instinctively.
"I'm sorry, don't go yet." I took her arm without thinking and she gasped, pulling away like I burned her and we both eyed the white handprint under her elbow where my grip had been. Great move, Nate. "I'm sorry." I repeated, but at this point it felt more like a mock and I could tell that was exactly how she took it as she slowly lifted her eyes to me. They narrowed and I gulped. "I didn't mean for that to happen. Like, at all."
"Oh really?"
"Yeah, I just-" but my voice died as she lifted her brush and let its wet, cold end traced a line in my arm.
"Oops. I didn't mean for that to happen. Like, at all."
I was astonished, looking down at the line of paint that went down my forearm. I blinked, torn between bewilderment and an incredulous chuckle. "Are you for real?"
"You started it!" she protested and despites everything I felt the hint of a smile tensing the corners of my lips.
"Very mature." I brushed the paint off my arm not really cleaning anything but spreading it so the layer was larger but thinner and most of it collected in my hand that I now brought to her arm.
Hailey gasped, eyes wide. "You didn't."
"You started it." I repeated her words, but I ended up in chuckle as she narrowed her eyes, and took the paint can by her ankle.
Hailey stepped forward just as I matched it backwards, but didn't even attempt to actually get away and a second later her brush tainted another dramatic line, from my hand to my elbow when I lifted my arm for protection. Hailey laughed, completely forgeting she was mad to the point of leaving just a second ago.
It was childish. So childish. But maybe that's what made it fun? Certainly effective and I was somehow sucked in by that smile, infected by it and stupidly oblivious of anything else. Making it just so easy for her next brush to get to my neck.
"Fuck, Hailey." I shuddered at the weird wet feeling as she slid it down and took her hands, keeping them away as she chuckled.
"Oh, come on. You started it." she threw back once more and pouted. Pouted. And I was shocked at the powerful reaction I had to it. She tried to tug her hands free, completely unaware of my inner turmoil. "Ugh, you're such a cheater."
And it was like we both realized the shift at once. The lovely way her eyes twinkled when she smiled, the body heat as she stood inches away messing with my sense all together.
Her panted breaths hit my lips and it was then and there that I noticed the close position we were in. Of her figure in my arms and the familiar vanilla scent under all the paint. I could tell she noticed too in the way her breaths halted and how her eyes dropped to my lips, twisting her hands that were still in my grip, ready to free herself but surprisingly without any real strength behind them.
What does that mean? I found myself leaning closer. Was she too feeling the-
"Stop." her voice came out like a shaky whisper and I was snapped back to the reality unfolding before us.
I let go of her immediately and stepped backwards brushing my hair and neck, not even caring anymore about getting it dirty.
My chest took the sudden emptiness she left like a cold shiver through my veins.
What the hell just happen?
"I'm sorry." I whispered, still confused and Hailey took a careful step backwards, balancing herself as if it too had startled her. The nearness? Had she felt this thrill as well? Like electricity? Or maybe she was just shaken that I -her ex that should have stayed in the past- broke even more boundaries.
Hailey gulped, eying me carefully, the pink still pooling in her cheeks. "Sorry for what exactly?"
So she was ignoring that slip of common sense altogether. Af if it never happened. I didn't know how to feel about it, but I went along with it easily.
"For everything." I smiled, but it wasn't a happy gesture. More like a desperate get away form this rumble in my guts. "I keep saying the wrong thing, but I am sorry. For everything."
"I know."
But I grimaced, sensing her voice turning cold once more as she shielded from this moment of allowed vulnerability.
"Hailey..." I tried, but she shook her head, waving a hand and just then it occurred to me something. I intercepted her hand once more, frowning down at it and this time ignoring the soft sparks at her touch as she looked up to watch me inspect her stains on her skin. "Black paint?"
We were painting the walls white. The black can was for the window frame and we still hadn't got there. How hadn't I noticed before?
At that she paled a little, our previous discussion somehow fading in the back of our minds. "I-I'm fixing it."
"Fixing what?" I tried to peak around her where she'd been working, but she sidestepped blocking my view and her eyes widened.
"It's okay, I got this."
"Got what?" I was getting worried and gently pushed her aside with my heart up my throat and saw it. "Oh."
A couple feet from the bottom was a darker brush, barely three inches long. And it was black, stark against the rest of the wall. But it wasn't a clean brush, it was blurred on the sides like she had tried to add white over it but only mixed both paints. My jaw slackened.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry I'm so sorry. I promise it wasn't on purpose!" wasn't it? Still shocked I turned towards her, but was unable to unsee the dark spot on the perfect white wall. Hailey fiddled with her hands nervously. "I wasn't paying attention. I was distracted and my can emptied, I grab the first one and... in my defence they look exactly the same from the outside."
"Do they?" but I was more in shock than mad, and I let out a chuckle brushing the back of my finger over it and getting moist with the fresh black paint. "Don't worry... Just wait until it dries and we'll paint it over."
"You... you're not mad?"
"Nah." I shrugged and she visibly relaxed, letting her shoulders down.
"I'm really sorry."
"I am too." I said back, but it was lighter now. The air around us was.
I didn't know if it was for the apology, the paint fight or the fact that she had too something to apologize for now, but that built tension was less choking now and she even sent me a little smile. Awkward and kinda forced, but there it was. And it messed my chest.
I looked away before she could read too much into it. "So, beer?"
"Uh..."
But I was already heading to the kitchen, careful not to touch anything that wasn't strictly necessary. "It's not Budweiser, but..." I teased her, pulling out two cans from the fridge and striding back. "You messed my wall, at least drink with me. "
"It wasn't on purpose." Hailey blushed, but she took it making sure our skins didn't touch. I tried not to think too much of it and shrugged.
I could tell Hailey still wasn't comfortable around me. I was lucky she even stayed this long, all I could make out was that she had probably forgotten about her early determination on leaving after my second attempt to apology. And after we had a paint fight. After I almost kiss her.
I don't know why I was like this with her, it was like I was sent to another timeline where we were still in high school and nothing had really changed. Not between us, that was it.
And I got the feeling that, deep down all her resentment and regret, she felt somewhow like that as well. Maybe it was because she had been my first real girlfriend? The first person that's been there for me on a deeper level? For all that we shared?
I was daydreaming again and her head tilted, attaching my attention to the present. "Honestly, why do you keep looking at me like that?"
Because you're honestly beautiful.
But I knew from the last time we had this conversation that this would be the wrong answer, or at least one that she didn't want to hear. So instead I shrugged one shoulder, still yet unable to look away. But I should. I should calm this whatever and rationalize things.
Hailey was my past. At least the Hailey that would appreciate that kind of comments. This Hailey was the girl I was still trying to figure out and who hadn't properly forgiven me yet. I need to see that difference and work on it if I want to be back in her life at all.
So instead I shrugged one shoulder and went for a simpler answer: "You've really changed."
And she had. She was more confident than in high school. Her features were sharper and her whole demeanor was like a show off of determination. She wouldn't take my bullshit for the world. Whether it was because I had pushed her to not want to listen to me, it might also have to do with the fact that she had matured herself.
And she was beautiful. Of course she was. Even covered in paint and unkempt like that. Even flustered and messy. I actually liked her like that.
Hailey surprised me with a half smile, tilting up her chin. "My hair is longer?"
I chuckled at my own words from last week. "Yeah, it is." I allowed my eyes to give her a once over, for once feeling permitted. "You've lost weight too." I commented when my eyes lingered a bit too much on her tight jeans-clad legs, needing the distraction and I finally pulled them away. "You look thinner."
She frowned and looked down, lightly stretching her arms as if to see herself and it only made my shirt fall more loosely around her frame.
"Maybe I've finally got my growth spurt."
I found myself chuckling at that and her eyes snapped up at mine, surprise. Soft. "Yeah, no."
I reached out with a flat palm to mark her heigh, about my chin high and she huffed, pushing it away.
"Are you calling me short?"
"I wouldn't dare." I rolled my eyes, sitting on one of the boxes at the lack of better seat on the laminated floor, but I couldn't help a barely concealed smile. Yet my mood sobered lightly, knowing we still need to figure shit out because this constant back an forth was confusing and exhaustive. "We should really talk about this, tho."
For the way she pursed her nose I could tell she didn't think the same. And as if karma was listening, at that moment we heard the front door being unlocked before it was pulled open and the bubble of intimacy was broken.
"I'm back!" Kyle strode in with two boxes of pizza in his hands and a couple bottles under his arm. The delicious smell of hot pizza making my mouth watering immediately. He let my keys in the bowl by the door and shut it with his feet.
What an awful timing. I frowned his way, but Hailey let out an almost relieved sight and just whispered me: "Later." and I looked over at her as she carefully sat on another box, taking a sip from the beer and checking on her phone. More of that weird both good and bad chills spread.
"So." Kyle came and placed the mouth-drooling pizza in the before us, eying our messed clothes and paint stains with raised brows. "What did I miss?"
Apparently, a truce.
But instead of voicing that I shrugged and take a piece as he too took out a bunch of napkins from the kitchen and took a new beer for himself before joining us.
Maybe tonight won't be as bad as I first expected.
Until Kyle clapped his hands.
"Alright. Let's play Never have I ever."
........................................
Hey! I know you guys want Hailey to make him sweat and she is trying. I'm proud we are mostly team Hailey here, but please tell me you don't hate Nate -he made mistakes, but he'll owe them. Or maybe you do :( Whatever the case is, let me know here and what you think about the chapter!
Don't forget to comment, vote and share.