"How long have you been keeping this from me, Veronica?"
When Gia asked me that, my gaze was darted to the table. I just returned from Boracay, and guess what? I was all over the news and social media because of my sudden confession.
"It was stated in your contract that you're not permitted to date. Do you realize that you must pay the penalty for disobeying your contract? Or were you not using your mind when you answered the reporter?"
I eyed her. "I'm quitting. My contract's almost over-"
"Iyon na nga! Hindi mo na lang hinintay na matapos! You still have months, Veronica! Not weeks nor day, but months! Ang tagal pa. Malayo pa! You have scheduled photoshoots already. What if they back out? Siraan ka? Jesus! The boss will not let this pass!" She had no chill.
"I don't care. I'll pay no matter how much they ask of me. I will not take my confession back," mataman na sabi ko sabay tayo sa bangko. "If that's all, I might as well leave because I have to study. Just send me an email regarding my shoots if tuloy pa ang mga iyon. Thanks." Then, I left the room.
In one blink, it was BAR month already. We were almost all staying in hotels and had our own BAROPS team. Daily, I get different food, like donuts and other sweet delicacies delivered from my family. The hotel room was extremely quiet; no sound could be heard. Nakakabingi to the point na nagse-space out ako.
"Hindi ba dapat nag-aaral ka sa hotel ngayon? BAR na bukas."Gulat si Marco nang nakita ako sa labas ng apartment.
"You said to rest if I'm not in the proper state of mind," paalala ko bago siya niyakap nang mahigpit. "Mababaliw na ako. I need a little distraction. I need to breathe. I'll continue studying when I go back to the hotel."
Pumunta kami sa kwarto niya. Doon ko lang napansin na nakatapis lang siya ng tuwalya sa baywang, bagong ligo. Nahiga ako sa kama. He turned his AC on before sitting beside me, putting one hand on my side to block me.
"Huwag kang kabahan," he told me.
Umismid ako. "Sige, ito hindi na," sarkastikong sabi ko.
"Bwisit." He chuckled, brushing his hair wet back away from his forehead. The water drip a bit on my shirt.
He kissed my forehead for a brief moment. Nanatili siyang nakayakap sa akin. His breathing was heavy. Dinama ko lang ang init ng katawan niya. I missed sleeping beside him.
Ever since lumipat ako sa condo, ang dalang namin magkita. He was struggling with his 5th year, I was focused on reviewing.
"I love you," I suddenly blurted out. I wasn't expecting a response since he never said those words again to me. Gusto ko lang sabihin iyon. It just gets stronger daily. I couldn't contain it. I need too say it aloud otherwise I'll drown from loving him.
Loving him too much.
Loving him too strong.
Loving him more than I love myself.
"I want to thank you for being patient and understanding, especially these past months because I'm not really around and I forget to reach out sometimes. I'm really grateful for you." Pumikit ako, nakangiti nang tipid. "I know I have said this a couple of times before and I've said it again, and I'm about to say it again... I love you. I really really do love you, Marco."
I heard him chuckle softly near my ear. "Mga salita mo, Marquez, ah..."
"Thank you for existing," I told him.
He pushed himself away from me but remained leaning near my face. "No, thank you for existing," he returned the words in such sincere tone before kissing me.
We made out for a while. His kisses were intoxicating. It was all I was thinking about. We just pulled away when we were out of breath. He rested his head on my forehead, panting.
"Ica," malambing na tawag niya.
I immediately pushed him, eyeing him warily. "May kasalanan ka?" tanong ko, nakataas ang kilay. It's either that or may kailangan siya sa akin!
His lips formed a frown. "Wala. Bakit?"
"So may kailangan ka?"
"Wala. Bakit?" parang tanga na sagot niya ulit.
"Bakit para kang tuta kung makatawag diyan?" I carried myself using my elbows, still eyeing him suspiciously.
"May sasabihin lang naman ako." Napatango ako at inabangan ang sasabihin niya sa 'kin. "Baka ma-late bayad ko sa utang ko sa 'yo. Okay lang ba?"
"Of course! I told you, hindi mo naman need magbayad. Just use the money you'll pay back to me for Leil's meds."
He adjusted his position, pushing his specs up. Tinitigan ko ang mukha niya para mabasa ang iniisip niya. It was too deep. He even exhaled heavily and messed his hair.
"Nago-offer si Papa ng pera," he informed me.
"Iyon naman pala. What's wrong with that?"
He scoffed, arching a brow. "Hindi ko tatanggapin. Ngayon pa siya nagpakita kung kailan okay na si Leil? Ni hindi nga bumisita sa ospital. Kahit text man lang. Kaya bakit ngayon pa?"
Naupo ako dahil pakiramdam ko seryosong usapan 'to. Ayaw niya sa tatay nila. Understandable naman kung saan galing ang galit niya dahil sa pag-iwan sa kanila at pangangabit.
"Your sister's sick, Marco. Her maintenance medications are very expensive. Honestly, the money he'll give you is already a big help. Just accept it. It will solve your problems for now."
"Kung sabihin mo na tanggapin ko ang pera parang ang dali-dali lang na gawin iyon." Madilim niya akong tiningnan na parang bang tinraydor ko siya sa mga salitang binitawan ko.
"It is actually easy," I reiterated. His jaw clenched because I opposed. "Tatanggapin mo lang naman ang pera, hindi ka makikipag-reunion. Your dad's responsible for supporting his children financially. Labas-pasok ang kapatid mo sa hospital plus meds pa niya. Think of her state."
"Seryoso ka ba? Tingin mo hindi ko iniisip ang kapatid ko? Iniisip ko... But money doesn't solve everything, Ica."
"Iniisip mo but money isn't the solution? Do you hear yourself?" I shook my head. "Bakit sa akin ka nagagalit?"
"Hindi ako galit," he defended. "Sinasabi ko lang na ang dali sabihin sa 'yo na tanggapin ang pera. Hindi madali. Tsaka kaya ko naman hanapan ng paraan iyon."
"Kaya mong hanapan ng paraan? Hindi mo nga kayang bayaran iyong maliit mong utang sa 'kin," I said bluntly without thinking, causing me to sound boastful.
His brows arched, astounded. His eyes were filled with surprise until pain sufficed. He was quick to remove any emotions from his eyes and walked to his cabinet.
"Oh." Binigyan niya ako ng isang envelope. Alam ko ang laman noon kaya hindi ko tinanggap. "Kaya ko naman bayaran. May pera naman akong nahanap. Sa susunod pa sana kita babayaran dahil baka magka-emergency si Leil. Pero kunin mo na 'to."
Umiling ako. "Hindi iyan utang. You don't have to pay me. Tulong ko nga iyan," I tried to tell him again.
"Walang tulong na sinusumbat." His voice was calm but anger and pain was once again evident in his eyes.
I shut my eyes tightly, inhaling deeply. "I didn't mean it that way, Marco."
"Pero nasabi mo pa rin 'di ba?" Umiwas siya ng tingin sa akin. Nilagay niya ang envelope sa loob ng bag ko. I immediately removed it, giving it back to him but he wasn't accepting it.
"All I'm saying is your father's help is already big. Hindi ka na mahihirapan, at mas makaka-focus ka sa residency mo. That's it." Inabot ko ulit sa kaniya ang pera pero hindi na niya ako pinansin. "Kunin mo na 'to. I don't need this."
"Sa 'yo na para wala ka nang masumbat sa 'kin ulit." He stood his ground. "Baka mamaya sabihin mo pa na namumuro ako sa pagiging boyfriend mo dahil huli kitang binayaran."
"Kakampi mo ako rito, hindi kaaway. Bakit ba sa akin ka nagagalit?"
He scoffed sarcastically and wore his boxers, staring at me. "I'm not angry. Sinasabi ko lang na ayaw kong tanggapin ang perang binibigay ng tatay namin dahil kaya kong hanapan ng paraan. At binayaran ko na ang utang ko sa 'yo," he said flatly.
I bit the insides of my cheek to calm myself down. Nairita ako nang kaunti. God, his angry state wasn't good!
"You know what, Marquenzo." I pushed the small envelope on his chest. He didn't budge getting it and just looked down at me darkly. "Your pride is way above your height that it's already—pardon my french—fucking bullshit," I fired through gritted teeth.
His lips curved into a humorless smirk. We were just staring at each other blankly, the tension doubling.
"I have good intentions for giving you money, and I will help you more if you need it. I just suggested an easier route for you since you don't want any more help from me. Accept the money your father is giving and leave. That's all."
"That's all?" He arched a brow sarcastically.
"Minsan ba sumagi sa isipan mo na baka ikaw talaga ang problema? Iyang pag-iisip mo? Iyang pride mo?" pagbato ko sa kaniya. Nanatili ang ngisi niya pero ang mga mata ay mas naging malamig at madilim.
"Ano pa? Go on," he urged, lifting my chin up so I have no escape from his intense eyes.
I swallowed. I know I didn't have anything good to say, so I did the best option. I left.
When I arrived at the hotel, I sat on the carpet, staring out the glass wall and watching the cars go down, eating a Bavarian donut to cheer myself up.
I crossed the line for saying those words to. It wasn't easy for him to just accept the money. Sinuportahan ko dapat siya sa gusto niya, hindi diniktahan. God! I was so insensitive!
"Bobo mo, Ica," I told myself and drove back again to the apartment. Maki's car wasn't there, meaning he left.
To: Bub
I'm sorry. Where are you? Nandito ako ulit sa apartment.
Lumipas na ang ilang minuto pero hindi siya nag-reply. I flooded him with messages, getting worried. Sa panghuling text ko, sumagot na siya.
From: Bub
.
Napahinga ako nang malalim. That means he wants space. Day one palang usapan na namin iyon. Kahit tuldok lang para malaman na buhay pa ang isa.
The whole night until 3 AM, I studied. Hindi ako pwede ma-distract. Focus on the BAR, Ica.
The next day was BAR day. The first thing I did was request a triple shot of brewed coffee to keep my nerves awake. Basically, I had 2 hours of sleep, a lot of coffee, problems, and pressure in my system. Everything was whirling around in my head.
I needed Marco to calm me down. Saan na ba itong number one member ng BAROPS team ko? I laughed a bit at how he considered himself as such, but it slowly faded when I remembered what happened last night.
Habang papunta ako sa venue, naiiyak ako dahil wala siya. He promised me he'd be here to drop me off.
Pero bakit ako lang mag-isa?
"Kaya mo 'to, self," I cheered myself, stopping my tears from falling. Naluha na ako nang tuluyan habang pinpanuod ang iba, sila Paige, na niyayakap ng pamilya. "Tanginang lalake naman iyon..."
Busy pa ako sa pag-emote nang tumunog ang phone ko. I answered the call while wiping my cheeks.
[Babe... Good luck...] It was Marco, sounding so drunk.
Nagpintig ang tenga ko. "Where are you? Are you alone?" I got alerted. Tumawa lang siya. Ba't siya tumawa? Hindi ko iyon kailangan!
Narinig ko na kausap siya ng waiter at pinapatigil sa pag-inom. Haggang sa waiter na ang kausap ko sa phone, pinapasundo si Marco.
Without any hesitation, I turned around and left, knowing he needed me. Malapit lang naman kaya hahabol ako sa exam... Sana.
"Ica, where are you going?!" Paige shouted when she saw me ran.
"I'll be back!"
"Huwag ka nang umalis! Magsisimula na mayamaya! Dios Mio! Ica! Zychela!" Nataranta si Sab.
Hindi ako nakinig at pumunta sa kotse ko, driving fast to the pub. He was alone. Drunk. First time he got drunk and alone? Where was his friends? Bakit hindi siya sinamahan? Wala siyang pinagsabihan? Dahil ba ito sa away namin?
"Hey, let's go..." I gently tapped Maki's cheek. He looked so flushed. The number of bottles on the table surprised me. I couldn't count it fast. But it was all hard liquor.
Imbis na siya ang tumulong sa akin ngayong araw, kabaligtaran ang nangyari.
"Tanginang buhay. Kung hindi ba naman hayop iyong lalakeng iyon..." I cannot understand whatever he was saying. Pilit ko siyang hinihila pero nagpapabigat siya. "Kukunin niya kapatid ko... Pagkatapos kaming iwan. Ang kapal... puta!"
"Marco, let's go. Please, exam ko ngayon," natatarantang sabi ko.
He hugged me and cried on my shoulder, muttering something that I really cannot comprehend. Ang bigat niya. Hindi ko siya kayang buhatin mag-isa. Pinakialaman ko ang phone niya at pinindot ang huling tinawagan niya nang hindi iyon tinitingnan.
It was a women. I checked the caller's name. Sasy. Bakit siya ang huling tinawagan? I didn't have time to think about it.
I deleted Marco's calls and drunk texts to me so he wouldn't know I came here. Paniguradong pagsisisihan niya.
"What the hell?" Jericho and Sasy arrived ten minutes later, wearing gym clothes. Sasy gently tapped my arm as a greeting before pushing my boyfriend's face. "Gago. What's wrong?"
"The fuck. Did he drink all this alone?" Echo looked so confused while picking up the bottles.
"Can you please... please just take him home? I really have to go. May BAR exam ako," I pleaded and held Sasy's hand, almost crying as I think of the time.
"It's your BAR!" She held her chest in shock. "Let's go! Ihahatid kita. You can't drive. Nanginginig ka, oh!"
"Ica..." Hinawakan ni Marco ang kamay ko at hinila papunta sa kaniya. I tapped his back.
"I have to go, love." My tears were forming in my eyes. Ayaw ko siyang iwan nang ganito pero hindi ko kayang ipalampas ang BAR.
"Please, stay with me. I need you..." he begged, hugging me tighter.
"I'm sorry..." I kissed his cheek, feeling my heart break. "I have to go. I'm sorry." Then, I ran down with Sasy. Pagkarating sa school, nilingon ko siya. "Please don't tell him I went there. He won't forgive himself for making me distracted today," I requested.
Sasy eyed me before giving me a slow nod. "Good luck on the BAR, Ica. Laban. Kaya mo iyan." She gave me a small smile.
My mind was all over the place as I take the exam. Nakahabol nga ako, pero hindi ko nasagot lahat. Hindi na maintindihan ang sulat ko dahil nanginginig ang kamay ko. Nawala sa utak ko ang mga sagot at tanging ang pag-iwan kay Marco ang sentro ng isipan ko.
Every BAR taker looked so relieved as we exited the building, except for me. Nakaabang sa labas si Lonzo, nakangiti habang may hawak na bulaklak.
Nanigas ako. Hindi nakagalaw. Nakatitig lang sa kaniya. Frustrated tears stung my eyes and I struggled to swallow the lump growing in my throat.
My brother was expecting me to jump in joy. Humupa ang ngiti niya at lumapit sa akin. Binalot niya ako sa isang mahigpit na yakap.
"You did well," he comforted but all I did was shake my head in disappointment and cried hard on his chest.
Pakiramdam ko tumupad si Sasy sa usapan dahil hindi naman nagtanong ni Marco sa 'kin. We were only communicating via text and call, both busy but in different ways. He was busy finding solutions for his problems. I was wallowing in self-pity.
Hindi ko sinasadyang magmukmuk pero wala akong gana makipagsalamuha. I knew the results already without even seeing it.
One lonely night, I went home to my apartment. I sat on my stairway, holding my cup of coffee and allowing the warmth of the cup warm my hands.
"I'm sorry." The level of Marco's voice went low in the end, almost unaudible but I managed to hear the regret etched on it.
"For what?" I acted innocent.
"For not being there..."
"I'm sorry, too," I returned like a whisper.
His brows furrowed. "For what?" pagbalik niya ang tanong sa akin, puno nang pagtataka ang mukha.
"For not being there." Ngumiti ako nang malungkot pagkatapos kong kopyahin ang sagot niya.
All the times that I needed him, he was there.
But when he needed me... I wasn't there for him.
Marco took a cigarette out of the box and put it in his mouth, just in between his lips. He was about to light the cigar but I stole it in one swift move and placed it on my mouth. Inagaw ko sa kaniya ang lighter para sindihan ang stick.
After two puffs, he held the stick. "That's enough. Give it to me." Pinabayaan ko siyang agawin iyon at humithit doon.
"How are you?" I asked him carefully, trying not to open any wounds. Whatever happened was undoubtedly deep. He wouldn't drink that much and let the alcohol enter his mind if it was something tolerable.
"Okay lang. How about you, my love?" Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko. Nagsimula siyang paglaruan ang daliri ko like usual.
Dull. Disappointed. Unhappy.
"Fine." But I lied.
Binawi ko ang kamay sa kaniya sabay tayo. Tinalikuran ko siya at mariin na ipinikit ang mga mata. I bit my lower lip, trying not to cry in front of him because I don't want to look pathetic.
The next day, despite my lack of motivation, I still prepared early for the photoshoot I have for a clothing brand. Pwede na rin itong distraction.
"You didn't have to come with me," I told Marco, clutching my seatbelt.
"Why not? Girlfriend kita," nakakunot noo na sambit niya. He put a hand on the back of my chair as he turned his car in reverse and drove out of the gate.
"Nagpahinga ka na lang sana. You're probably tired from all your loads the past weeks. Residency, family..." I averted my gaze out the window and swallowed. "What's new? We don't really talk lately."
"Nothing." I would've been convinced if only I didn't know what a great liar he was.
"No secrets, right?" I reminded breathlessly. What a hypocrite, Zychela.
"No secrets pero ano tayo dati? Hindi ba sekreto?" he unconsciously threw at me. I gasped softly, staring at him. Dinapuan niya ako ng tingin bago biglang umiwas ng tingin.
I brushed my hair harshly using my fingers, suddenly frustrated. "Ano na naman bang problema natin, Marquenzo?"
"Na naman? Ano'ng ibig mong sabihin?" He sounded genuinely clueless.
Napatikom ako ng bibig ko sabay pako ng tingin sa daan. Wala pa rin siyang alam. At mukhang wala siyang balak alamin dahil hindi siya nagtanong at nagpalunod lang sa katahimikan hanggang nakarating kami sa studio.
"Why is your friend here?" Aspen scoffed, clearly discouraged by Marco's presence at today's shoot.
"Boyfriend, hindi kaibigan," Marco mumbled to himself as he slid his hand around my waist.
"Marquenzo," kalmadong banta ko sa kaniya. Tumingin siya pababa sa 'kin. Sobrang dilim ng mga mata niya. Naglakad na lang ako papunta sa loob, not wanting to deal with them right now.
"Good morning, Miss Ica! Dito raw po ang dressing room mo!" Micole was so energetic. She attempted to get my bag from Marco. "Ako na po riyan sa gamit ni Miss."
"Ako na. Medyo mabigat 'to, eh. Thanks." Namula si Micole nang nginitian siya ni Marco.
Habang naglalakad papunta sa dressing room, binabati ako ng mga staff pero ang mga mata nila ay nakatuon sa likuran ko.
The secret glances of the staff towards Marco didn't escape my eyes even when I was busy posing for the camera. Kausap niya ang assistant ko. Hindi ko namalayan na napatitig na ako sa kanila. I rolled my eyes when they laughed about something Marco said. Corny joke iyan for sure. Tuwang-tuwa naman si Micole, hinampas pa ang boyfriend ko sa braso.
"Ica, focus." Aspen pulled my arm to get my attention.
Tumikhim ako para matauhan. Inayos ko ang collar ng dress shirt ni Aspen. Nakangiti lang siya habang ginagawa ko iyon. I returned his smile and looked back in front, only for my eyes to slip behind the photographer and see Marco smiling cutely at me.
"Tubig, bub," sabi ni Marco at inabutan ako ng flask pagkapasok ko sa dressing room.
Bigay mo sa Micole mo.
"I'm not thirsty," I said, unintentionally sounding cold. His brows raised a bit in utter surprise.
The staff helped me change my accessories, rearrange my hair, and get dressed. I requested for a short break after because I wasn't in the mood. They all went out. Only Marco remained.
"Water?" he offered again, smiling hopefully.
"Ayaw ko nga," tanggi ko na naman at inirapan siya.
"Galit ka?" Tumayo siya at lumapit sa 'kin. Tinuon ko ang mga mata ko sa salamin. It annoyed me that he was standing behind me, enough for me to feel the heat of his body.
"Hindi ako galit. Ang kulit mo lang kasi. I declined once. Why did you have to repeat it?"
There was obvious shock in his eyes. When he blinked once, it was all gone and was replaced with seriousness. "Baka lang naman kasi nauhaw ka pagkatapos magbihis. Naninigurado lang ako. Hindi mo naman kailangan magalit, Lalique," he muttered as he placed the flask on the right side of the vanity table.
I scoffed. "Kapag sinabing ayaw, ayaw. Manghihingi naman ako kapag nauuhaw. Hindi mo kailangan mangulit. Nakakairita."
"May problema ba tayo?" he asked huskily and slowly.
I chose not to say a word. Just in time when I reached for my brush, he put his hand on top of it to make my attention draw to him.
"What?" I asked him.
"Ba't hindi mo ako sinasagot?" His brow shot up.
I shrugged, pushing his hand away from mine. He sighed tiredly and placed both his palms on the vanity table, locking me in the chair I was sitting on. Napausog iyon paharap nang ginalaw niya nang marahan. Tumama ang tuhod ko sa lamesa pero hindi ako nagbago ng posisyon.
"Anong nagawa ko? Sabihin mo para maayos ko. Pag-usapan natin ito," he said dimly.
I shrugged. "Wala naman."
"Hindi ako manghuhula."
"Hindi ko naman sinabing hulaan mo," sarkastikong balik ko.
"Ayaw mong sabihin. Ayaw mo rin na hulaan ko. Ano'ng gusto mo? Baliwalain ko lang 'to?" He tried to control the frustration in his tone. "Akala mo ba hindi ko napapansin na lumalayo ka na sa 'kin? Ni hindi ka na nga nagre-reply-"
"God, Marco! I'm just tired from the BAR, okay?! Can you cut me some slack?!" I snapped and forcefully pushed my chair back. Napaatras siya kagad para hindi matamaan.
His eyes flickered and darkened. "Hindi mo naman ako kailangan sigawan."
"Sisigaw ako kung gusto ko!"
"Bakit? May magagawa ba iyang sigaw mo? Talaga? Ano?" He scoffed sarcastically, getting irritated with me too. Napakayabang nito! "Gusto kong maayos tayo. If this was me not being there for you during the BAR-"
I raised my hand, making him pause. Para akong nabingi at nandilim ang paningin nang naalala iyong isang memoryang pilit kong kinakalimutan.
"I'm just tired and stressed! I want some rest and not someone bickering over my shoulder every minute. Not everything is about you, Marco!" I cursed softly, having the urge to cry.
"I know that not everything is about me because it's about us, Ica," he firmly uttered.
I grew irritated that he made sense. Us. Our relationship that I was not prioritizing.
Before I can say another word, he took a step forward and crouched to kiss me. I shut up. And then suddenly, we were making... love inside the dressing room, sabik at inis.
Nilagyan muna ako ng alcohol ni Maki sa kamay bago binuksan ang pinto. He sat on the sofa with his legs crossed and an arm resting on the backrest, smirking at me while I get my makeup retouched.
"Shut up," bulong ko bago lumabas ng room, making him chuckle deeply.
"Sure, bub."
While I was doing my solo shots, I heard some screams of the staffs. I halted to look at the commotion. I nearly fainted when Marco punched Aspen so hard on the nose.
"Aspen!" I yelled as he punched Maki in the stomach then face, causing blood to flow from his mouth. Marco clenched his jaw, pissed. They began punching each other hard until the guards arrived.
Why the hell are they fighting?!
"Tangina ka. Subukan mo lang ulitin iyong mga sinabi mo tungkol sa girlfriend ko. Wala akong pakialam kung sino ka. Susuntukin ulit kita," Marco hissed at Aspen before yanking his arm from the guard and walking out of the venue.
Nawala ako sa ulirat kaya tinigil na ang shoot. I went to the apartment but Marco wasn't opening the door.
"Tell me where you are," I demanded when I called. He didn't speak. "Nasa apartment ka?"
[Wala.]
"Shut up. Your slippers are outside, and the lights in your room are on. Open the door now."
Pinatay niya ang tawag. A few seconds later and the door revealed him. Tinaasan niya ako ng kilay, his one hand holding the top of the door. May parte sa panga niya na namamaga at may sugat sa labi.
"You won't let me in?" I raised a brow, too.
Suplado siyang umirap bago ako pinapasok. I sat down on the sofa. I intertwined my fingers and placed it on my lap, waiting for him to say something.
"Ano?" He looked arrogant.
"You won't apologize?" Gosh! This guy! Should he be told everything?!
Natawa siya nang sarkastiko. "Ako pa?" He scoffed in disbelief, pointing at himself.
"Sino pa ba? Ikaw iyong nanuntok."
"Yeah?" Pinakita niya ang panga niya. "What do you call this then?"
"You threw the first punch," I accused even without basis.
"I did not."
"I know you did."
"Fine, I did," he admitted. "Why does it matter so much to you, huh? Masyado kang concern sa ex mong niloko ka."
"I'm not concerned," I denied with a glare.
His annoyed laugh filled the sala. "So ano? Pumunta ka rito para pilitin akong mag-sorry?" Umiling siya. "Hindi mo alam ang pinagsasabi niya tungkol sa 'yo kanina. Hindi mo narinig. Hindi mo ako mapipilit. Tapos."
"That still doesn't justify your violence, Beaumont," pakikipaglaban ko sa mariin na tono.
Wala siyang sinabi. He simply fixed his gaze on me while maintaining a poker face. I bit the inside of my cheek to refrain from saying anything.
Our gazes were locked as if we were diving into it, hoping to read each other's emotions. But then we both looked away, failing to figure out what had gone wrong between us.
We both knew there was. We both chose not to talk about. Or I chose not to talk about it because it started with me, within me.
"Bakit biglang ganito tayo, Ica?" Kita kong nahirapan siya bago niya ipinikit ang mga mata.
"I'm just... tired," I whispered. My tears started to drip down on their own no matter how hard I tried to stop it.
"Pagod ka nang mahalin ako?" Napayuko siya, kagat-kagat ang labi niya.
"Hindi iyan ang sinabi ko," I defended. "Nakakainis naman na palaging iba ang iniisip mo sa sinasabi ko. Ba't mo ba binabaligtad? Ba't parang galit ka kaagad? Sa akin? Ba't parang kasalanan ko? Bakit hindi mo matanggap na minsan ikaw ang mali?" I threw directly, letting out all the piled issues I have in my chest.
"Kasi hindi ko naman alam kung saan ako nagkamali." Kinailangan niyang talikuran ako para kumalma.
"I will never not love you, Marco. But sometimes..." I trailed off and allowed myself to sob. Ang hirap dugtungan.
He looked back at me and uttered breathlessly, "But sometimes what?"
"I don't know." My emotions were restrained, making my voice tight.
"Sometimes it's too much? Sometimes you hate it? Sometimes you don't trust me?" pagbato niya at lumuhod sa tapat ko para makita nang klaro ang mukha ko.
I chose to keep my mum.
"Or sometimes it's suffocating?" he added.
I then sobbed harder. All I did was cry while he watched me closely with pain etched in his eyes.
"Tangina naman." He wiped the sides abruptly with his thumb and index finger. "I know you love me more than I love you for now..."
"It's not because of that," I tried to defend. I wanted to explain that that wasn't the problem.
Kanina pagkabanggit niya sa BAR, doon ko naramdaman ang sakit sa katotohanan na wala siya roon. Pumasok sa isip ko na kung hindi dahil sa pagpapakalasing niya at kung hindi ko siya pinuntahan, siguro naiahon ko ang exam at hindi ako bumagsak.
I love him... but I can't help but blame him and be angry.
"Love is not everything, Ica. Hindi naman dapat puso, pagmamahal lang natin ang sentro ng relasyon. There are other things we also focus on. Hindi lang pagmamahal ang solusyon sa problema natin. Kailangan nating pag-usapan ang mga iyon. Magtulungan," he tried to lecture but end up being soft as well. "Kaya please..."
I wiped my cheeks frustratedly. "You're right. You're so fucking right, Marco."
"Then what? Tell me what's wrong. Tell me what I did wrong. Tell me what went wrong." He shook his head before softly gasping for air. "Paano ko naman aayusin kung hindi ko alam kung paano tayo nasira?"
Umiling ako. Ayaw kong sabihin dahil sisisihin niya ang sarili niya. As much as I'm angry at him, I didn't want him to repent on things he didn't mean to happen.
But he was right about love. It's not only that, but about other things too... Emotions.
"You're right." I nodded. "Love doesn't solve anything. It's not everything. Because if it were... how come I'm no longer happy?"