Ah yes, the part that always goes so well when putting on a play
And the chapter where I know I'm gonna give up on being funny and just go full angst because that's what I'm good at
'From scene 1, to the end, as fast as we can... let's go.' Joe sat in the audience, watching as Grian came on, and the run through began.
'Welcome! Friends, pets, and whoever else is here, to the village of Hermitville where I, your humble main character, lives. Please enjoy the show we have for you today, and the quests that I must go on to get the magic thing that will save us all from certain doom!'
'What's this about certain doom?' Pearl walked onstage to say.
'Oh, nothing. How are you doing, Pearlie?'
'I'm doing great! Hey, have you heard about Dr Evil coming to find us?'
'Yeah, it's not good. Should we stop him?'
'Good idea! I'll go and tell everyone that we're going!'
'Bye, Pearlie!'
Grian was left alone on stage, not sure what came next. Backstage, Mumbo was being corralled into entering, running onstage and saying.
'Hooray!'
'MUMBO IT'S NOT YOUR LINE YET!'
He ran back offstage, and Sellsknight appeared from stage left.
'Hello! I am Sells-knight! I hear you are in need of some equipment for your quest?'
'I am. Can you offer some for my journey?'
'I sure can! In fact, the townspeople packed in advance. Here you go.' He handed over a shulker box. 'Have fun on your travels! And watch out for weirdos on the road. You don't know who you can trust out there...' He walked off, leaving Grian slightly confused, trying to remember what came next.
'Look! Pearlie's coming back!'
Pearl, who wasn't supposed to come on yet, blinked, confused, before just running onstage.
'I have stuff! Let's go!'
And with that, they ran offstage.
(This chapter is going to be so long)
No one entered the stage for a good few minutes, but there was definitely something happening backstage, a ton of muttering and movement, Scar appearing through the curtains at one point, and eventually a very dishevelled Grian and Pearl ran on for the next scene.
'How far have we gone?' Grain asked. Pearlie shrugged.
'Not far. The village is just over there.'
'It's already getting dark. We need to stop at a tavern somewhere.'
'Luckily there's one just over there.' Pearl pointed towards stage left, realised she and Grian would have to push past everyone to get to stage left for their next entrance, and decided to improvise. 'Or the one just over this way.' She ran off stage left, followed by Grian.
'We need the table and chairs for the bar scene!' Joe called. There was a kerfuffle of action, and soon the stage was set, Cleo and Renvolio onstage, and Grian and Pearl ready to reenter.
'We should be careful in case anyone here is working for Dr Evil.' Grain muttered.
'Yes, you're right! Anyone could be working for Dr Evil. We don't know who is working for him.'
'I thought you said there would be someone here that could help.' Grian whispered, barely audible.
'Greetings, travellers!' Renvolio interrupted excitedly, striding over to Pearlie and Grain. 'I am the fair Renvolio, I am here to accompany you on your journey across the mountains to where the evil Dr Evil dwells!'
'This must be who Wels mean!' Pearl gasped. Grian looked over at her.
'but what if he isn't? Lots of people want Dr Evil dead.'
'True. Renvolio, do you know Sellsknight?'
'I sure do! What are your names, fine travellers?'
'I'm Grain.'
'Well, hello, Grain... and you?'
'I am Pearlie.' Pearlie and Revolio shook hands.
'I am Din Djarin!' Scar yelled, running onstage, excitedly skidding to a stop midstage. 'I am here to send you on your quest!'
'No you're not, I am!'
'No, I am, Dogboi!'
'If you think this guy is going to lead you safely up those mountains, you're wrong! He'll only end up getting you both killed, and with the safety of everyone in hermitville at stake, this is the last thing we want to happen. However...' Ren paused briefly, looking back to where Scar was searching desperately through the script Cleo had handed him for the right scene. 'I would get you up there and back in less than a day. What says you, travellers?'
'Pearl, is this a good idea?' Grain whispered loudly
'I don't know. I suppose the only thing we can do is...'
'I will lead us to victory!'
'This man is lying!' Renvolio shot back. 'If you want a real explorer, ally, and maybe even friend, I am the one you should pick to join you!'
'We bring both of them with us, I guess. Come on! Renvolio, Mando... let's go.'
The group left the stage, Scar following behind just because he could.'
'You're going to pay for your drinks or I break your legs!' Cleo yelled after, before someone yelled 'BLACKOUT!' and they set up for the next scene. The group entered again.
Mr Diamonds can help us!' Scar began, confidently off script. 'He can sell us a map to cross the tretershery mountains!'
'Mr Diamonds will rob us, Din Djarin.' Renvolio shot back. 'Besides, Sells gave these two a map.'
'Mr Diamonds can give us a better one.'
'I say we give it a try.' Grian shrugged.
'You're saying we should give everything a try... you should be more careful, Grain.'
'Careful? I'm being careful.' Scar crossed the stage to where Keralis was. 'One map of the mountains please!'
'Ok, sweet faces. That will be 30 diamonds.'
'Thirty diamonds?! Din Djarin, he's robbing us! As I said!'
'Don't worry, Ren whatever your name is I can pay.'
'You sure will...' Pearl crossed her arms. 'The rest of us don't have that kind of money.'
'Don't worry, Din Djarin. We can split the cost.' Grian pulled out some fake diamonds handing them to 'Mr Diamonds.' Scar did the same.
'Thirty diamonds... there you go!'
'Thank you sweet faces! Enjoy your travels!' Keralis handed over a non-existent map. Neither of Grian and Scar moved.
'Excuse me, Mr Diamonds, I'm sorry about my friends here, but we're getting a refund. We have a map, we don't need your rubbish one.' Renvolio pushed past Scar to say.
'No refunds.' Keralis crossed his arms.
'We're getting it back!' Pearl joined in.
'He's trying to help!' Scar protested. 'And it's a good map.'
'Would you like any more stuff?'
'No. Come on, we're leaving.' Renvolio walked offstage. Grain and Pearlie looked at each other before following off. Missing the cue to leave completely, Scar didn't, until Grian dragged him off.
'Are you sure we're going the right way?' Renvolio complained as he entered the stage. Behind him, Grian sighed.
'Well, Din Djarin did say this was the right way so...'
'He also got our money stolen.' Replied Pearl. 'You're too trusting for your own good, Grain...'
'It's not like he's working for the enemy. And these are just trees.' Grian signalled towards the hermits playing trees.
'We are trees. You are not welcome here.' Said the trees, all at different times, in a completely monotone voice. All except Etho, who made it sound like the most eloquent thing he'd said in his entire life.
'Ok, Din Djarin's just led us to a talking forest. Great...' Sighed Pearl.
'We are trees. Go away.' Repeated the trees.
'We should probably leave...' Renvolio warned. 'Before these guys attack...' He looked around nervously at the talking trees.
'Tree.' Etho declared quietly.
'Tree.' Agreed Hypno. A few rounds of repeating the sentiment and they began to step towards the group. Renvolio drew his sword, and Pearlie did the same thing, looking around at the hermitrees until...
'Greetings, travellers.' Captain Jack entered the stage, and the trees backed off. 'What brings you to this part of the woods?'
'We're looking for Dr Evil!' Declared Din Djarin.
'Who are you, and why should we trust you.' Was Pearl's more sensible reply.
'I'm Captain Jack.' Cub decided. 'And I've definitely seen you in my travels, Din Djarin...'
'I don't trust you.' Renvolio stepped towards Jack, frowning. 'Pearlie, Grain, let's leave these two untrustworthy idiots here and continue on.'
'You can trust me. I know these woods better than the back of my hand. If you want to get safely through... I'm your only hope.'
'Apart from the talking trees, there isn't anything to worry about, I don't think.'
'We are trees, you aren't welcome.' Said all the trees again.
'They'll attack if you don't get permission to be here from the Swamp Prince and Woodland Queen. We should head there now.' Cub walked off, and Scar followed. Grain was about to, but Renvolio held him back.
'Don't trust a word he says.' He muttered.
'If the trees stop hating us once we do this, then I'll trust him. Until then, I say follow.'
'Grain, you're making a lot of stupid mistakes.' Pearl sighed. 'Renvolio's right. We shouldn't trust Captain Jack or Din Djarin.'
'Well, they're our only chance of survival...' Grian followed the pair off. Renvolio and Pearlie shared a concerned glance before following offstage. The trees disappeared backstage too, repeated with Tango and Zedaph.
'You didn't tell me Dr Evil wanted the Evil Machine to be finished by today! Come on, Zed-evil!' Tango complained, entering the stage again.
'Well, I'm sorry, Doofenshmirtz. But Dr Evil set the date forwards by a few days. Apparently the villagers are resisting...'
'Well, I wasn't told about it. You were supposed to tell me everything.'
'Dr Evil came to tell you to hurry up a bit, please!' Xisuma walked onstage saying, in a really fake deep 'evil' voice. 'You know how he is when it comes to world-destroying technology...'
'Yeah... but with our cunning and evil, and our excellent care, we're taking longer than he would expect.'
'Dr Evil said the Evil Machine has to be finished now...'
'Well it's not, because someone didn't tell me Dr Evil had brought forwards the deadline.' Tango glared pointedly at Zedaph.
'It's both of your faults. Dr Evil wants it to be completed as soon as possible.'
'And completing it by now isn't possible!'
'SILENCE! Oh, sorry.' Xisuma quickly apologised. 'Uhh... get it done by tonight or you're both going to pay...' he walked offstage. Doofenshmirtz and Zed-evil exchanged worried looks, before running off after.
We're still not out of the forest...' Renvolio muttered as he walked onstage. Grain shrugged back.
'Yeah... but I'm sure Captain Jack and Din Djarin know the right way. Besides, those trees aren't attacking us any more.'
'We are trees, you're not welcome.' The trees spoke.
'And... You stand corrected.' Pearlie sighed. 'Look, we can't trust them! They're just led us further into this place.'
'Well maybe they have good intentions in their actions...'
'Fine...'
'WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP?' Jevin yelled as he ran onstage, tripping over.
'Oh look! It's Shrek!' Scar spoke excitedly.
'Get back, foul swamp demon, or I shall slay you!' Renvolio pointed a fake sword at Jevin the Swamp King.
'Never, puny dog-man!'
'Should we run?' Grain interrupted.
'Probably.'
'Don't worry! He's friendly!' Scar forced Renvolio to drop his sword. 'See?'
Jevin frowned as he tried to remember his line. Mumbo ran on in the pause.
'Hooray!'
'MUMBO GET OFFSTAGE! YOU'RE LINE'S AT THE END. JEVIN, STOP BEING STUPID!'
'I DON'T KNOW MY LINE.'
'If I may intervene.' Captain Jack skipped the line, standing in front of Shrevin. (Shrek-Jevin) 'We just want to get out of the forest. Can you show us the way?'
'Why are you going through the forest?'
'We're killing Dr Evil.' Grain explained.
'It's this way. Good luck, travellers.'
'Thank you, oh swamp king, for letting us through.' Captain Jack thanked as Jevin stepped out of the way to let the group pass, walking offstage. Jevin left it, and the scene changed.
'Captain Jack, are you sure this is the right way?' Renvolio asked, reentering behind Cub and Scar. Grian and Pearl were just behind him.
'Oh yeah, I'm sure. Now we've got through the forest, the mountains are just ahead.'
'I'm glad we're out the forest. It was very colostrophic.' Agreed Scar.
'Yeah, it was quite claustrophobic.' Grian replied. 'We would've been walking around there for ages if he hadn't arrived.
'We had a map that would've told us the way. Someone just decided to use a different one instead.'
'Our map works!'
'Yeah, I can see the mountains just ahead.' He pointed at 'the mountain'.
'Eventually... my route would've been much quicker. If it wasn't for these idiots here.'
'I'm not an idiot!' Replied Scar defensively. 'And Cub isn't either!'
'I'm glad you do trust me, Din Djarin.' Captain Jack replied darkly. Scar looked over at him, worried, but then remembering.
'What does THAT mean?' Renvolio stepped forwards.
'Oh, don't worry.' Cub crossed the non-existent stage to where Ren was standing. And with a brief nod, he stabbed Renvolio.
'REN! NO!' Scar let out a howl of complete and utter horror and surprise. 'Cub! Why would you do that?!'
Captain Jack laughed a villain laugh that was impressively terrifying.
'Dr Evil sends his regards, Din Djarin. And the rest of you too. You're not getting to his fortress any time soon.'
'Oh no! I trusted you!' Scar gasped, clearly faking. Renvolio staggered dramatically 'downstage', falling to his knees.
'NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I AM SLAIN!' He howled melodramatically.
'I preferred the Shakespeare.' Admitted Grian.
'I'm trying something new.' Ren muttered back, before fake dying again.
'Oh my goodness! Renvolio's dead!' Pearl continued. 'Who would do something like this?'
'Captain Jack... how could you do something like this?' Grian repeated, not knowing what else to say.
'Because that's who I am! I'm on Dr Evil's side. I always have been. So go back to your little village, if Dr Evil's two stupid friends haven't blown it up yet, and stay there, because no one can defeat him! You're all stupid. Why would I actually help you? Especially this one, Din Djarin. It's not my fault he's way too trusting for his own good.' Cub turned to Scar, trying not to laugh, before striding offstage.
'Captain Jack how could you?!' Scar continued the scene, even though that was the end of it. 'I trusted you! As a friend, as an ally, and as a... friend!'
'Scar, the scene's over.' Joe muttered, and he ran off. 'And now we're onto what we haven't rehearsed... notch help us all. Let's just combine them as one. We're at the ice-queen's palace.'
The group entered again, where Impulse and False were waiting.
'Who goes there?' Impulse began.
'We go here! Alone and miserable!' Scar declared.
'We come in peace to find Dr Evil.' Grian shoved past, saying the actual line. 'Do you know where he is?'
'He's past the Ice Queen's fort.' False explained. 'If you wish to see her, I must warn you... she has quite the cold personality.'
'A bad personality is alright.' Grain shrugged.
'Grain, Renvolio was just killed by Captain Jack. We need to stop trusting people!' Pearlie muttered.
'We still need to trust some people! I'm the chosen one! I'm supposed to kill Dr Evil!'
'You know what?' Suddenly, Grian turned to face Joe. 'My character's an utter moron.'
'Yes he is. Continue the scene...'
Stress ran onstage, past Impulse and False and began.
'LET IT GOO! LET IT GOOOO! I CAN'T HOLD IT BACK ANY MORE!! I'VE BEEN OFFSTAGE FOR SO LOOOONG! WHY ARE THESE IDIOTS AT THE DOOOOORR!'
'WE ARE HERE!' Grian continued excitedly. 'TO KILL DR EVIL! AND STOP HIS EVIL PLANS!'
'IN THAT CASE YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE.' Stress finished her song. 'GUAAARDS! KILL THE TRAITORS!'
'I told you we couldn't trust anyone!' Pearl returned to the
'No! Don't make us kill them!' Impulse burst out. 'We don't want to work for you!'
'What are you willing to give me in order to be free?'
'We give you the chosen one!' False declared.
'No! Not Grian- Grain- bread boi!' Cried Scar.
'The chosen one? Well then, you are free. Try to stop Dr Evil without him!'
'Grian! No!' Pearlie continued the melodrama as Grian followed Stress offstage and Impulse and False ran off the other side. Scar shrugged and followed, before she too ran off.
It took longer than expected to set the next scene, since Tango had to make a TNT cannon, but eventually they did, and it began, with him and Zedaph onstage, and Scar and Pearl running on after.
'Oh no! It's those villagers that were resisting! We need to stop them!' Zedaph pointed at them, faking terror. 'Doofenshmirtz! What should we do?'
'Kill them! There's only two of them!'
'We'll defeat you! For kidnapping Grain and enslaving us to the Ice Queen!' Impulse ran onstage, followed by False.
'If you think you can defeat Dr Evil, you're wrong! We will stop you!' Tango declared. Cub and Xisuma appeared on his side of the stage. Scar fake-glared at Cub, before charging at him.
'I will kill you!'
'SCAR NOT YET!' Joe tried to stop the two from beginning their 'fight' play-fighting each other badly.
Dr Evil won't let you do something like that! He'll kill you!' Tango tried to continue the scene, skipping Pearl's line.
'Exactly! The chosen one is dead! The ice queen killed him!' Captain Jack scoffed, casually killing Scar. 'I'd like to see that idiot stop me.'
'Fine. Then we must fight you. For the hermit lands! And for justice!' Pearl ran forwards to fight, Tango came to join her, and the rest of the planned fight began, while Cub just stood at the back awkwardly until Scar appeared again, his elytra broke over the stage, and he crashed into the death machine, which promptly activated and shot TNT at the audience, just as Doc appeared.
'I am here to kill all of you!' Was what he came up with in the improvisation department.
Joehillssays blew up.
Joehillssays: RIGHT!
Joehillssays: THAT'S IT!
It didn't take long for him to appear, but by that point everyone was onstage, watching as the furious director appeared.
'GoodTimesWithScar you are the most stupid, clumsy, idiotic person in this entire world. You've refused time and time again to learn your lines or do ANYTHING I tell you to, to the point that you didn't even realise that someone was acting, and created an entire ridiculous conflict! It's YOUR FAULT that this has failed, and YOUR FAULT that I'm cancelling this entire play!'
A while later
Trying to hold back tears, Joe sat in his base, rereading a copy of the script. It wasn't his fault... right? No one wanted to do the play! It wasn't him that had ruined everything...it was the other hermits. They'd refused to listen to him, acted stupid, ruined his entire vision of the play...
Grian: Joe we're sorry.
Grian: we didn't want to mess up
Grian: we've talked it out.
Grian: we're still doing the play and it's going to be amazing.
Just so you know I copy-pasted every bit of the play in this book and without editing down it's around 4000 words
Now? It's still 3000 words.
Oh notch I'll have to do the same thing for the actual play...