"So what's the deal with this shit?" Hayden throws his head back on the chair.
I called him early this morning to meet me at the library on campus.
We have an exam today that it's worth 60% of our grade for this half of semester.
I was supposed to help him to study but we both have been to busy.
"Hayden it's easy. It's just literature and history." I say trying to make it sound that it's easier than it looks.
It's not easy at all.
"Angel you know I suck with these. I am going to fail." He shrugs his shoulders.
Okay with this kind of motivation we aren't going anywhere.
"Come on Hayden, you can do it." I encourage with words.
I hope I am.
This exam follows a lot of stress with it and it's today.
I am just trying to revise with him as much things as I can. Not only he will benefit but also I could get extra credit if he gets a high grade.
"Aila I am going to screw it up when I get inside that classroom." He put his elbows on the desk and he kept holding his head down with his hands.
"Hey hey!" I remove his hands and hold his head up.
"You. Can. Do. This." I assure him. His eyes sparkle from the sun light coming from the windows directly on his face.
"Even If you don't pass you can retake it. You do your best, that's all that matters, okay? Don't lose your hope."
"The professor hates me." he whispered.
"Because he wants to see you fail and that's not going to happen. You will past this test and you will graduate from university and go chase your dreams. I believe in you."
I stroke his cheeks with my thumb.
A moment of silence before I give him a small smile.
"You got this." Another reassurance.
He smiles brightly and he moved his head to the side and leaves a kiss on my hand that was still stroking his left cheek.
"I don't know what I would do without you baby doll." He whispered.
"You would simply die." I smile and giggle.
I pull away my hands from Hayden's face when he suddenly grabs my left hand and holds it, tightly.
Another smile from him.
"Probably!" He winked at me.
I roll my eyes and smile.
"Let's go back inside the classroom. We don't want to be late for the exam." I stood up grabbing the books from the desk and putting them inside my bag.
"Ughh can I skip it!" Hayden stood up lazy.
"No, now let's go." I was about to put the bag on my shoulders when Hayden took it instead.
He put it around his shoulder like it was a feather.
It was heavier than normal since there were extra notebooks and other stuff.
I take hold of his hand and pull him with me."Let's go."
"Only because you are making me to." He reaches me and leans in for a kiss on my cheek.
I push him away. "Correct that. Only because you have to take it." I say seriously.
We make our way through the hallway towards the exam room.
"Yeah your right." We walk together.
"If you pass this exam you might get a suprise later." I turn my head towards him smirking.
I give him a wink.
Hayden shakes his head, smirking, he licks his bottom lip. "You know what you are doing."
I let out a giggle. "Do I?" Hayden chuckles.
Before we enter the classroom a hand pulls me from my arm into another class.
I get pushed into the wall and Hayden's body hovering over mine.
His hot breath hit on my neck. "How about good luck sex?"
He leaves kisses down the crock of my neck.
"Hayden are you crazy, someone could walk in on us!" I say holding onto his shoulders.
"So what? They can watch!" His lips close to mine.
"How about good luck kiss?" I whispered with a smirk.
"Nahh I will stick to the sex."
I raised my eyebrows towards him. I won't risk us getting caught like that.
Hayden knows that. "I will take what I can get!"
"Who is laughing now Smith?" I smirk.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and I pulled him in a rough kiss.
All his anxiety over this exam it seems to disappear, as he is pleased with a kiss.
I lean my head to the side depending the kiss. I bite onto his bottom lip and swiped my tongue around his.
He groans.
His hand rubs my right breast through the fabric of my bra and shirt. I let out a moan.
I enjoy this, until reality hits to me that we need to go back.
I break the kiss but he seemed to not get enough and continues his way down my neck again.
"Hayden we need to get back." I pull his head away from the back of his hair smoothly.
"One more kiss." He leans for a kiss and it turns into another make out session.
The air is getting hotter and hotter.
"Okay we really have to go." I push him away and he eyes my breasts licking his lips, smirking.
I look at my breasts and the shirt is all messed up that my bra is showing.
"Perv." I fix my shirt.
"Oh come on!" He laughs it off.
I roll my eyes and go to open the door and walk out. As I walk back to the exam room with Hayden behind me.
I start to get stressed too.
I stop and the door and turn towards Hayden. "You okay?" I ask smoothly.
"Yeah." He starts fidgeting with the end of his shirt.
He is having anxiety.
I remove my hair from it's pony tail and grab Hayden's hand. I put my hair tie on his wrist.
"Here, tug on this instead." He smiles nodding.
"You ready?" I ask.
"Yeah, let's go." No he isn't.
He walks in first and I follow right behind him. Hayden takes a place on the back and I sat on his right side.
He put the bag on the floor next to my desk. I pull a pen out of my bag and an extra one for Hayden.
As I lean in to his desk to put the pen there he grabs my hand, interweaving our fingers.
He gives it a squeeze.
He turns his head towards me and I softly smile. "You can do it!" I whispered.
He nods with a smile. "Together!" He whispered.
I smile wide.
The professor enters the class and we remove our hands from each others hold.
"Good morning students. As you all know today is your exam worth 60% of your grade for this half of the semester. Now remove everything from your desk except a pen and a bottle of water."
He grabs the exam sheets and starts spreading them out to the students.
Hayden takes shaken breaths that are very noticeable and my heart beat quickens.
The exam sheet makes contact with my desk upside down, and all the air around me becomes hot and not enough.
You got this.
You have studied hard for this.
"Breathe." I remind myself.
I fidget around with Aila's hair tie.
I try not to think of the sheet infront of me.
What if I fail?
Coach will not allow me to compete if I fail this shit.
I can't lose my shit now.
I got this.
"You may all turn the sheets." The professor calls out and the sound of sheets turning echoes around the room.
I turn around the sheet and holy shit I lose my mind.
All this questions pop up and I lose everything.
I forget everything.
Words just go through my mind but not one sentence is formed.
My eyes go everywhere around the room but I came to see nothing.
Simply nothing.
Droplets of sweat from my forehead drops on the table. "Deep breaths, in and out." I hear whispers.
Aila's voice.
I turn my head towards her and I noticed her concerned eyes looking back at mine.
I close my eyes and focus on my breath.
In and out.
I start writing.
The tip of my pen making contact with the paper, writing words.
Nothing registered in my head but I keep writing.
Blue ink leaves it's marks.
My focus kept on the paper. Whatever I knew, what I remembered, I wrote it down on that paper.
I just need to pass.
Not a high grade.
A pass.
Breathe.
I can hear the clock ticking,
I run a hand over my face frustrated.
One trick question. High points. I kept playing with Aila's hair tie, pulling it around my fingers.
Another long question excepting a long answer.
Breathe.
13. What is the definition of insanity?
Mentally ill.
Madness.
"Well, Albert Einstein said that the true definition of insanity is; doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Either way you say it it's correct." Aila tells me.
I remember and I write.
"30 minutes countdown." The professor calls.
Stressed.
Tension running through my veins.
You got this.
I continue my work. Circling answers, writing descriptions.
Breathe.
All this work, I studied hard for this shit. I won't disappoint myself, making me think this was a waste.
I won't disappoint Aila, making her think this was a waste.
I have no idea what I wrote, how I come up with them.
I am lost.
Completely and utterly lost.
I grip my hair tightly. "Hayden?" A whisper.
My eyes begging for mercy from my own head. I am eating myself up for everything.
"Breathe please!"
I can't concentrate.
I lost focus.
My heads spinning.
The noise of the clock running is making me lose my shit.
"5 minutes countdown."
I write, I circle, I came up with words I never knew I had in me.
Almost there.
I just need to pass.
"Pens down." The professor called and I drop my pen on the desk and, stood up leaving the class immediately.
I run outside to find the nearest bathroom.
I slam the door shut. My hands grip the sink hard.
What is happening to me?
I can't be a failure.
My whole career is on this stupid exam. I need to pass it.
Don't be dramatic.
I am not.
I am so tired of my father putting me down. I was never fucking enough for him and me transferring to continue my career here was to get away from him.
So he would stop using me, for my name, my money.
I need to be someone for myself.
To be proud of myself.
A pain in my chest, something I never felt it before.
Failing this would mean no more competitions.
My father would win.
I would be the embarrassment of the family for him.
I would lose everything.
Everything.
I worked so hard for all of this and failing one class means saying goodbye to my career.
Failed.
Failure.
"FUCK!" I yell. I grip my hair roughly with my hands.
I can't focus.
Everything spins around me.
I can't see straight.
I am going crazy.
My legs seem to fail me and I get down on my knees, my back against the wall.
It seems like my heart is beating in my head.
It hurts.
I can't do it.
I am losing control.
Failure.
"You won't exist for this family if you don't be on the top. You will be dead to us." My dad commanded.
Pain.
Words echoe in my head, words from the past that were stuck to my head.
"Mom?" I call out softly, I was scared.
I am just a eleven year old kid.
"She can't come in here son. She won't save you. You need to succeed and bring money for this house." The smell of alcohol filling the room as he speaks.
"Please let me go to mommy." I call out.
Flashbacks.
I can't do it.
Failure.
My vision gets blurry.
I closed my eyes shut but I hear a door open fast and harshly.
Someone calls my name.
I have no strength to answer.
The noise of the water running Is heard. I feel a pair of cold, wet hands touch my face, my neck.
Slapping my face softly.
"Hayden please wake up. It's me." A soft voice calls me again.
I don't want to wake up.
I wanna rest.
I am tired.
Failure.
The soft slaps on my face don't stop. The cold hands don't break contact with my face.
"Hayden please, open your eyes for me." Another call.
Aila.
I know her.
Wake up.
I shake my head bringing my self to senses. I open my eyes slowly and I see her face over mine.
"What's happening?" I ask but my voice hardly is there anymore.
I whispered.
"You blacked out after I came here." She whispered slowly and held my face on her hands. "Panic attack?" I nod.
Cold.
"Focus on your breathing, okay?" She tells me.
I breath in easier than before.
I close my eyes and enjoy the feeling of my lungs getting enough air again.
My hands make contact with hers that were holding my head. I hold her hands on mine.
She lets me do that.
"Hayden?" I open my eyes and make eye contact with hers.
She sighs. "Are you okay?"
I nod.
I can't speak.
Failure.
SHUT UP. I fight with myself.
My knees against my chest, I rest my arms on my knees.
"Wanna talk about it?" I shook my head.
I got a soft 'okay' as a response.
"Come on, let me help you up and wash your face."
I nod and stand up slowly.
I walk to the sink and Aila gets the water running. Turns it on the cold settings and encourages me to bend down my head.
I keep myself up by supporting on the sink with my hands.
Aila holds water on her hands and throws it in my face.
Cold.
She repeats that a few times and told me to stand up straight. She grabs her scarf around her neck and wipes my face with it.
"Hayden you a burning?" She kept a hand on my forehead, checking my temperature.
I raise my eyebrows not suprised.
I haven't slept good in days, I haven't been taking care of myself in any way.
"Let's take you to the doctor." She grabbed my hand and encouraged me to walk with her.
"No." I spoke.
"Hayden, you are sick, please." She pleads.
"Aila, please I just need to get home." I sneeze.
"Bless you."
"Thanks." I say.
She doesn't make any more comments about me not wanting to go to the doctor.
She doesn't talk more to convince me.
We walk outside on the parking lot. I pull out my keys to open my car.
"Hell no you aren't driving. Give me the keys." She commands.
I raise my eyebrows at her. "I am not kidding. You don't want to go to the doctor and I won't let you drive."
"I am fine, Aila." I say as I go to open the driver's door. "You will have to go over me to drive." She stands at the front of the car.
You got to be kidding me.
She gave me the most serious look. "Fine." I say and throw my keys at her and get to the passenger seat.
Maybe it's for the best.
She drives to my house very good. Aila is a good, careful driver.
I leaned on my seat and closed my eyes to rest.
I trust her with it.
Safe.
She stops the car in the driveway of my house and we get out. "Do you want me to come in?" She asks.
I turn my head towards her as I close the car door. "Yes." She smiles.
I take careful steps towards the house with Aila behind me.
I open the front door and as soon as I walk in the house I jump and lay on the couch.
A few minutes later Aila walks in the living room, her jacket and bag weren't on her.
"You feeling alright?" I slowly nod.
She walks closer to me and puts her hand on my forehead. "You are still burning!"
"You should go and rest on your room." She tells me.
"I am good." I can't move.
I feel like I am stuck on the couch. My whole body gave in.
First a panic attack, now I am sick.
Of course my body gave in.
Failure.
"Okay. Wait here I will be right back." She runs off the room.
My body is in pain.
My head is getting heavy.
I want to sleep.
I lay on my side and put my arm under my head for support.
Exhausted.
Soft sounds of feet walking around makes noise around the house. Aila comes back in the living room.
I sneeze again.
"Hayden?" I open my eyes and turn towards her.
She was holding a pillow and a blanket against her chest. I smile softly at her.
She is so cute.
She is amazing.
I sat up a little and she put the pillow under me so I could put my head on comfortably and put the blanket over me.
Tucking me in.
"Get some rest. I ain't going anywhere." She whispered.
I heard her pull the blinds down, to make the living room darker.
Rest.
It's like my soul calms down immediately, my mind is blank clearly, and my eyes close completely.