Morgan Smith
"Forgiveness" Pastor Dan starts as the sermon's topic.
The choir just ministered a very lovely song and I felt good just listening to them sing. The lyrics, I couldn't fully memorize them, I'll search for them later but it felt really good.
I thought of joining them if we get to sing really cool songs like that. I also fancied their gowns, it looks like that of graduating students but it's cool too and probably there are stages I need to pass to get in, I'll ask Ann after service.
Many thoughts ran through my mind when I was brought back to what he was saying. I looked around to see that everyone was concentrating deeply on what he preached and I scolded myself for getting lost in thoughts when I should be listening. He might be saying things I needed to hear like Ann would always tell me.
She told me Pastors, Prophets, Apostles, Ministers, etc. are all mediums through which GOD speaks to his people and sometimes he speaks personally to his people through the reading of the Bible which is his word. I cleared my head of any thoughts and tried to concentrate on what he was saying.
"... you should know that forgiving whoever wronged you or whoever caused you pain is not actually doing them a favor, rather by forgiving them and also asking GOD to forgive them, you are actually giving yourself the peace of mind you deserve," he said and I frowned at that. "You're giving yourself, your heart, and your soul to heal from that terrible thing they did to you, giving yourself a chance to heal and find peace once more"
The furrow on my brows deepened and I thought about what if they aren't sorry and didn't come to ask forgiveness for what they did to you? What if they aren't sorry for hurting you or other people? What if they intentionally want to destroy you and leave you hurting till your hurt kills you? What if...
I shook my head as I tried not to let the pain of what happened to my parents to get to me.
"Everyone deserves the peace of mind, to heal, to be made whole and free of worries then why let what might kill you take over your whole being? They don't have to come begging you for forgiveness for you to forgive them"
He is talking to you!
He is talking to me... I repeat after my subconscious.
He opened his Bible before speaking "The book of Matthew 5:38-41 then the same chapter 43-48 says it all. Those verses tell us about what JESUS teaches about forgiveness, JESUS tells us there that GOD isn't partial about who he let the sun shine upon and who he let the rain pour upon." he said.
"If GOD lets the sun shine upon the good and bad and isn't partial about who gets to have rain, then we as Christians should learn to forgive our enemies. Instead of harboring hate and detest for them, we should love and pray for them, GOD isn't asking you to bring them to your home"
"He is saying that you shouldn't hate them because everyone was made in his own image, it was people's decisions that made them bad and evil, hating them will only prove that we hate GOD too, loving them by praying for them to change and see the light proves how much we love GOD because GOD doesn't want anyone to die in sin but come to repentance"
I felt a tear slip out of my eyes because I feel like he was right in some ways. Probably Ann was right too, those that do bad were lost then and evil was their way of... I don't know, finding comfort then but even though it's bad to hurt someone, they should be punished Ann said we shouldn't judge so I can't.
My heart feels really heavy and it's a burden I have carried with me for a really long time but I don't know if I want to let it go, I don't think I am ready to let it go and just forgive anyone involved in it. I don't.
When I found out that it wasn't really a car crash that killed my mum and little sister, I felt hate for whoever took them from me then my dad was taken from me and I blamed GOD for letting such happen and so wished death upon the person that did such to my family, to the person that took my family from me.
I felt really angry when Ann kept telling me that GOD protects his people because I wondered why he didn't give my family that protection when they really needed it, I kept asking, seeking answers to that question but I chose to ignore the truth about him and his goodness. I guess I can't blame GOD for what happened to me, probably life seemed to happen, and... I don't know.
Life can be life to anyone but I chose to ignore that knowledge and just dwell on my suffering and pain.
I tried my best to get rid of the tears when they came and so that I don't attract unnecessary attention. Service ended in no time and we all went outside to greet everyone and just hang about for a while. I excused myself and went to the bathroom to wash my face so that I don't like I went on a crying marathon.
When I was done, I came back and saw Ann with Pastor Dan and Ricardo, I went over to them and greet him while he returned the gesture.
I tried to smile but I think it was noticeable that I wasn't feeling too good "Are you okay?" he asked and I nod my head as I tried harder to let the smile show in my eyes "Your eyes are slightly red, hope you're good?" he asked and I laughed it off.
"I am good, thank you" I leaned on Ricardo who was already looking at me, and tried all I could to avoid looking at Ann because I know she knows something is up.
"Maybe she's just tired," Ricardo said to me and I smile while agreeing with him.
"Okay, I will leave you guys, do have a blessed week" he turned around and attended to another member.
"Are you okay or you tired?" Ricardo asked, I smiled up at him and then rest my head back on his shoulder with my hands securely around his arm. We walked to his car and opened the front door for me to get in and did so for Ann when I was seated inside.
"Tired" I answered with a yawn when he came to sit in the driver's seat.
"Well, you spent almost the whole night drilling me off information about my date" Ann comments and I laughed.
She knows how to lift my spirit.
"I would have asked and what she drilled you about but it's you girl's thing so, I'll leave it that way" he pulled over at 'Olah' so that we can get lunch.
As we ate, I kept thinking of the things that happened to me in the past and what was preached today. I sighed for the billionth time and I think it was noticeable that something was really up with me.
"Everything okay?" Ann placed her hand on mine and I turned to flash her a smile.
"Yeah, everything is fine. I guess I am just so tired and need to sleep" I looked away from her when I saw the questioning look on her face then leaned my head on Ricardo's shoulder.
I know she would try to drill out what the problem was from me when we got back home and I am not sure if I want to talk about myself yet.
Ricardo kissed my forehead "Are you ladies done yet? I'll take you home" he offered then looked at his watch. "I still need to attend to some things later this evening," he said then wiped his mouth with a napkin and placed it on the table.
"I think I am full," I say when I finished the rest of my juice and looked at the little lasagna laying on my plate. "Are you done, Ann?" I looked and she and she raised her index finger when she put a spoon of dessert in her mouth.
"Gimme some minutes," she said.
We talked for a while as we waited for Ann to finish up with her dessert, Ricardo paid and we left the restaurant so that he can take us home. The car ride was indeed silent as everyone focused on something.
Ricardo's eyes fixed on the road, Ann texting on her phone and I, swimming in my own thoughts.
"I'll call you when I get home," he said when he stopped in front of our house.
I turned to him and kissed his cheek before stepping out of the car and following behind Ann. We stopped so that she can open the door and I turned to wave at him which he returned then we got inside and locked the door while I heard his car driving off.
A sigh left my lips as I went to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water, Ann went straight to her room when she got a call from Elvis. I smiled as I watched her go upstairs, till she was out of sight then I grabbed the water and took a large gulp from it. I almost hurt my throat with a large amount of water I forced down my throat.
Another sigh left my lips, I took my purse in my hand and went straight up to my room to probably reflect or get that sleep. I am probably tired or just want to avoid this topic.
Anyone, I just need to take a bath and lay on my bed, in my room, alone and for the first time in a long while.