"reece, get the bottle out the fridge" my dad almost yells.
he's drunk again.
this happens most nights so I'm really not surprised.
there's nothing I can really do it about it because when alcohol takes over his body he is like a completly different person.
not the same man who would play football in the garden with me.
not the same man who would read me stories before bed. every night.
not the same man who would love his son unconditionally.
because I honestly don't think he does. because he isn't the same man he was before.
he gets drunk on the daily. spending rent money on alcohol.
the last time he comforted and said I love you to his son was years ago.
I always thought I was the problem and sometimes thoughts do think to that because what else am I supposed to think?
I've always been quiet. it's just how I am. there's no particular reason for it but ive always felt shy infront of new people.
it sounds dumb, I know. I always got bugged at school for how quiet I was. people would say I'm too quiet and nothing like a 'proper man'
I do try and let myself talk to new people but it takes a while for me to open up.
I think that's because what I've gone through effected me so much it's hard to let people know what happened.
the only people that do know are my few friends. they helped me get through it all.
It started when my sister got ill.
she got diagnosed with pneumonia when she was 6.
It developed quickly and there wasn't much the doctors could do.
my mum, dad and me where all literally deverstated, I can't even explain the pain.
my sister was literally everything to me. I was her older brother, the protective kind.
always wanted the best for her.
she would always come to me when she had worries.
Olive.
sweetest little girl ever.
we haven't even touched her room since she died, sometimes I'd go in there just to be somewhere where she was once. It would feel wrong to even move anything that was hers so we kept it the same, there's still dolls and games on the floor from when she was playing and her clothes laid out on the bed that was ready for her to put on but she was rushed to hospital so she didn't have the chance.
so loosing her was the most pain I've ever felt in my life.
and my mum and dad.
after she died surprisingly, my mum left.
the country.
leaving me and my dad.
obviously the stress was too much for her so she couldn't handle it so she just left.
so I didn't just lose my sister that day.
I lost my mum too.
for a 17 year old boy, it was so much for me to go through.
I know my mum was grieving and hurting but leaving us was one of the most selfish things she could have done.
she had a son and a husband that was grieving like her but she decided to run away from her problems.
I haven't seen her since. since that day, I have never seen my mother again.
and that's why my dad started drinking. at first it would be a couple of times a week but it got worse.
and now he is in the cycle of drinking daily.
the pain was obviously too much for him so he drank.
safe to say I'm only the strong one in the family at the moment.
well, not as strong as many would think. I have bad days, of course I do. like really bad days, especially because I have to deal with my dad but I haven't ran away like they did. my dad ran away with alcohol and my mum ran away literally.
so obviously when my dad is drunk he isn't in his right mind.
he has said stuff like blaming me for the stress that my mum and him had which doesn't make sense but it was a drunk mind.
because he spends his money on alcohol, he doesn't care about rent, how much food there is in the house so it's all down to me.
I have to work in the bakery that's down the road from me a lot of the time.
It doesn't pay well but it does it's job.
Felix's dad offered me the space to work there knowing I needed the extra money.
with all this going on I don't have much time to focus on what I want in my life.
It makes me feel selfish because I'm thinking about my self and my future when my sister won't be able to have one but as her older brother I want to do her proud.
I've always like art. painting to be exact.
In my free time I'm either painting or reading or working.
as it's my day off I take myself to the libary to try and clear my thoughts.
Elsie is someone who got me through everything with my family because before my sister died I always took her to this libary.
Elsie loved her so always comforted me when I needed it when she died.
I hear the bell go as I walk in.
Elsie is at her desk and I see willow stacking books on one of the shelves.
this girl started talking to me about a week ago. she's a stubborn one and she never stops talking but it's comforting in a way.
to hear her voice if that doesn't sound creepy.
at first, I was literally stiff when she first sat with me because how shy I was but I've warmed up to her. sort of.
I mean I told her my name.
with the help of going red straight after for some reason. that was so embarrassing.
but she makes me want to get to know her and actually speak to her.
I walk up to elsie and start speaking to her about how her day is.
I see out of the corner of my eye, willow walking over.
she asks Elise where to put the empty trolley because she was finished stacking books.
I try to hide a smile as I see her happy self walk away.