what's popping muppets hello and welcome to the first not oneshot story i'm doing woooo!! based on the image above ooh ahh
this will have the same upload schedule as my usual stuff (that is to say, there isn't one) so just. keep an eye out if you want to follow this and i'll update it whenever i can! the working title for this chapter was 'my suffering is eternal' so that should. tell you about what to expect. have fun with that!
also please be aware i know next to nothing about football and google was wildly unhelpful so please excuse anything that isn't. spectacularly accurate.
tw for
usage of homo/lesbophobic slurs
vague threats
enjoy!
—————
"I want to try out for the football team."
Damian briefly continues stirring around his half-melted frozen yogurt while he processes what his friend has just said. Once it sinks in, he snaps his head up.
"What?"
"I want to try out for the football team," Janis repeats. Damian blinks at her in confusion.
"But..."
"But what? But I'm a girl?" Janis huffs.
"You know it's not that, Jan," Damian replies gently. "But you're not exactly... athletic. Or fond of men. Or activities. Or running, or throwing, or... moving."
"I know, but my dad says I have to 'be more active' or something," Janis huffs, taking a bite of her salted caramel yogurt with M&M's on top. "And I may not be athletic, but we both know I am entirely motivated by spite. So I wanna do it."
"Why not cheer with me, though?" Damian asks.
"Do you really need to ask that?" Janis says, raising an eyebrow. Damian looks at her in confusion. "Who's your team captain, dipshit?"
"Reg- ohhhhh," Damian says as the realization finally hits. "Well, there's no need to be rude."
"I'd never make it on the cheer team even if I wanted to," Janis sighs. "And I don't. Especially not with her running the show."
"She's not so bad," Damian says weakly. Janis glares at him. "She's a good cheerleader."
"But a fucking terrible human," Janis huffs. Damian nods. "You don't have to lie to me like that, D. I go to your practices, I see how she talks to you. You don't deserve that."
"But it's nothing in comparison," Damian replies. Both of them know what he means by it, and Janis gives a weak nod.
"I guess not. But she still shouldn't talk to you that way."
"Babe, it's Regina, it's what she does. If I tried to get her to stop tormenting us we'd both be slaughtered," Damian chuckles sardonically. "But... I don't know if you'll have any more luck with the football team."
"What do you mean?" Janis asks, switching their cups of yogurt so they can have the last bite of each other's, like they always do. "It's not like I'm going for, like, quarterback or anything. I probably won't make it, and if I do I'll spend the season on the bench. Practices are active enough to make my dad happy."
"Jan, have you seen the boys on the team?" Damian says gently. "Aaron Samuels. Glenn Coco. Shane Oman."
"Aaron's not terrible," Janis replies. "Just has shit taste in women."
"Yeah, you have that in common," Damian hums. "So maybe it won't be so bad for you after all."
"Shut up," Janis grumbles. "Where are you going?"
"If you're serious about this, you need some major practice, little slice. Come on," Damian says, motioning for her to join him.
"Now?"
"No time like the present," Damian shrugs. Janis whines and follows him out to his mom's car.
"Fiiiiine."
—————
"So how do I football, oh wise one?" Janis asks, in some of Damian's cheer practice clothes, since she had nothing even approaching activewear.
"Janis. Darling. Look at me," Damian says. "Why the hell would I know?"
"Do you even watch the games you cheer for?"
"I don't... watch... what they're doing," Damian mumbles in embarrassment. Janis snorts.
"Gay."
"Exactly," Damian says.
"Then why are we here?" Janis asks.
"Because I Googled it," Damian grins ominously, brandishing his phone. "And from what I found, this is the end of our friendship."
"Oh, joy."
—-
Damian is nearly right. Janis doesn't even lay a hand on a football that first day, she just tap dances with Damian to practice moving her feet ridiculously quickly and carefully (and eats shit several times in the process), does his physical pre-show warm ups to start building up her muscles, and 'runs' a whole mile.
Damian drives next to her on his grandmother's Jazzy, and manages to keep pace with her. It makes sense Janis isn't exactly up to speed yet, having never run... any distance at all.
"Go Jan! You're almost there!" Damian cheers as he pulls back into his driveway.
"I... am gonna... fucking... kill you," Janis puffs in aggravation and exhaustion.
"This was your idea, boo."
"I'm next to go," Janis continues panting, snatching the offered water bottle from him and chugging it. She wrenches the lid off when it doesn't come out fast enough for her tastes and downs the rest of it in one go.
"Damn." Damian says. "That bad?"
"This is the end," Janis gasps as she pulls away from the bottle. "I'm dying. Goodbye."
Damian watches as she flops down onto the burning hot asphalt of his driveway and doesn't seem to care at all. He heads over and leans into her view.
"Actually, if you're serious about this, you have to do this every day between now and tryouts."
"I'm actually gonna end everything you love," Janis gripes, wiggling crankily on the ground. "I swear to god."
"Sure, Jan." Damian says. "Whatever makes you feel better."
"I will! You watch me," Janis says, trying to stand. "I'll do it right now!"
"You can't even stand up, Janjan."
"Yes I can!" Janis yells. She continues trying to get up, but once she's rolled onto her stomach, she admits defeat. "Help."
"Come on, you gotta get some rest," Damian sighs, hauling her up onto his back and carrying her inside.
"Thanks mom."
—————
Barely; after several threats to quit and with a couple miracles, Janis makes it to tryouts. Damian and her sister both dragged her through her exercises every day, and watched football games with her so she could learn to understand the terms and observe the motions she'd need to replicate.
She hopes it's worth it.
"You got this," Damian says, helping her into the padding they'd borrowed from the school supply. It doesn't fit right and it smells... beyond questionable, but it'll do for tryouts. "Those boys won't know what hit them."
"The smell of this padding," Janis says with a wince.
"Maybe it'll work in your favor," Damian says. "But you are showering before we leave, that's revolting."
"Mmkay," Janis grumbles.
"Confidence, remember the tap dancing," Damian says. "Now go and be golden."
"You need to work on your pep talks," Janis calls over her shoulder as she jogs to join the crowd of jock boys standing around the coach.
Coach Carr blinks in surprise when he sees her approach them. "You in the right group, little miss? Cheer tryouts are in a few weeks."
"Do I look like I want to try out for the cheer team?" Janis asks, gesturing to her getup. "I'm in the right place. And my name is Janis. I'm not your 'little miss'."
"You've got an attitude," the coach says, looking her up and down. "Good. Over there, Sarkisian."
Janis takes a deep breath to calm her nerves and stands in line on the yard line she's directed to.
"Alright you feckless maggots," the coach yells after blasting his whistle at them from point blank range. "If you're here, it best be to play football. I won't have any pansies on my team. I'm tough, you will get hurt, you will get your feelings hurt. If you can't handle that, leave. Now."
To Janis' surprise, a couple of the boys do step out of line and go get their things. They look like freshmen anyway.
"Okay! Hope the rest of you have what it takes. To start with, running. Looking for speed and consistency. Pacing. To the end zone and back, go!"
With another blast of his whistle, he sets everyone off. Janis tries to remember what she learned while she practiced with Damian. Pacing. Take it steady.
She repeats that mantra to herself as she narrows in on the end zone she's running to. She focuses on the feeling of her shoes hitting the turf, the thumping echoing up her legs and the feeling of her breaths filling her lungs. In and out, slow and steady.
Janis is so focused on herself and her pacing that she doesn't notice how far ahead of everyone she is. Until she hits the end zone and turns around to run the other way.
All of the boys are well behind her, even with her steady pacing. The closest to her is Shane Oman, and even he's a solid four feet behind her. He glares at her beneath his helmet as she runs past him the other way.
Janis grins to herself. Maybe all that running practice did pay off.
She's definitely the first to cross the finish line, and slows down a bit to cool down before she comes to a complete stop and catches her breath. The boys follow her lead and cross the line one by one.
"Coach, this is bullshit," Shane yells around gasping breaths, pointing to Janis. "She shouldn't be here! She runs like a girl!"
"She beat you, dickwad," Aaron Samuels huffs, smacking him on the back of the head. "Just shut up, for once."
Janis grins slightly under her helmet, and Aaron gives her a small nod back. Nice to know she'll have at least one decent teammate if she makes it.
"Nicely done gents!" Coach calls after yet another unnecessary whistle blast. Janis coughs a bit to remind him of her presence. "And Sarkisian. Alright, if I call your number, get lost. Twelve, thirty-four, twenty-one, seven, eighteen, forty-six."
Janis looks down at her jersey. Twenty-eight. She's still in.
"Next up is kicking! Looking for good form, accuracy, distance. Oman, you're up first."
Shane heads over to the coach by the 20 yard line. The coach holds the ball for him, and watches as he kicks it perfectly through the field goal.
Janis is nervous. All her footwork didn't prepare her for this, she never worked on her kicking. Shane's form was incredible, his distance amazing. Will she measure up?
She's one of the last ones to go, watching as some of the other boys try and fail miserably. One kicks the ball a solid ten feet to the left of the goal, actually making Damian duck in the bleachers to avoid being hit. Another only kicks the ball about four feet in front of him, and another accidentally kicks the coach in the head full force.
They're all told to leave rather quickly.
Janis goes after Aaron, who also managed to get it near perfect. She knows she can't beat him, but she can do her best. She played soccer for about half an hour when she was six years old, how different could this be?
As it turns out, very. She gets good distance, only coming about two feet short of the goal, but she can feel that her form and aim are off. She winces slightly and looks at the coach, expecting to be told off.
But, to her surprise, he just waves her back with the others. Janis sighs in a mix of terror and relief and heads back. Aaron gives her another nod, as if to say, "Nicely done." Janis nods back as they wait for the next drill.
Her training with Damian comes in very handy as they get to footwork, and she aces that area. Tap dancing seems to have worked better than she thought. When it comes to tackling, she just remembers what Damian told her.
Imagine it's Regina George's true form.
Everyone is more than a little concerned for the state of their practice dummy, after that.
More and more of the boys are picked off, and soon she's only left with about fifteen other people. The coach seems very surprised about her knowledge of all the different plays and calls, to which Janis just smirks. Sure, she spent a whole week studying and Damian quizzed her whenever he got the chance, but nobody else needs to know that.
The last drill of the day is passing. Janis is nervous again. If she fails this, there's no way she makes it on the team. But does she really want to do well?
Yes, she realizes. She recognizes a few of the boys she's left with. Shane Oman and his cronies, basically Regina George's little bodyguards. She has to show these jocks, who used to shove her in lockers and stab her with pencils and Sharpie slurs on her locker; that she is just as capable as them. To hell with her muscles.
She heads over and gets into a pair with a boy she doesn't recognize. Must be a freshman.
Janis snaps the ball towards him in the best form she can manage. He fumbles slightly, but does manage to catch it. Janis tries to remember what she learned about catching. She yelps a bit when the ball comes back her way and throws her hands up in front of her face to protect herself.
"Sarkisian, what are you doing?!" Coach calls. "Don't be afraid to get hit. Throw it back, come on."
Janis breathes, takes a step back. Motions for her partner to step even further back. Breathes again, grips the ball, prepares to throw it, feels her form strengthen, winds up, and...
Drops it at her feet.
"Fuck," she whispers under her breath. Distantly, she can hear Shane sneer at her from his spot further down the lines.
"Again. Go, now," Coach demands. Janis nods.
"Go Janis! You can do it, come on!" Damian yells from his spot on the bleachers, waving invisible pompoms. Janis rolls her eyes lovingly as she picks the ball back up and gets ready to throw it again.
Another deep breath, and she throws.
Quite well, if she does say so herself.
The ball soars past her partner's head and beyond him, landing about six feet behind him after a beautiful arc through the air.
She looks to Coach Carr to see what he thought. But she gets no reaction.
"Alright pansies, water break! I need to deliberate and then I'll announce who made the team and your positions."
Janis jogs back over to Damian to get her water bottle. "How have I been doing?"
"Pretty well, I think. You're definitely the best runner. And I saw Shane mess up passing too," Damian responds.
"Really?"
"Yeah," Damian says. "If Coach Carr can drop his sexism for ten seconds, I think you have a decent chance of making it."
"Huh," Janis hums. She looks across the field to where the coach is vehemently yelling into his phone at someone. She can vaguely make out the words, 'But she's a girl!'
"Hey, lesbo," she hears a voice say. She instinctively braces for impact. "I'm fucking talking to you."
Janis is shaking in her cleats, but trying desperately not to let it show. She turns and sees none other than Shane Oman looming over her. "Hey, Shane."
"Don't 'hey' me, dyke," he spits. Almost literally. "The hell do you think you're doing here?"
"Playing football?" Janis responds, feigning innocence.
"You better watch your back," Shane says. "But there's no way Coach would let you on the team anyway."
"You sure about that? I did beat you at a few of these drills," Janis smirks.
"You little-" Shane begins, getting pushed back by another hand.
"Man, back off," Aaron huffs. "She's not worth it."
"Yeah? What's it to you, fag? She your girlfriend?"
"You do see how that's a contradiction, there, right?" Janis replies.
"Fuck you, Sarkisian," Shane huffs, walking away with some of his lackeys trailing behind him.
"No thanks, I'm queer. And good luck, by the way!" Janis calls after him with a smile.
"Bold words, Jan," Damian says, giving her a sly fist bump. Janis smirks at him.
"I don't even care if I make it now, that was really satisfying."
She looks for Aaron to thank him for his help, but he's already off talking with someone else. Janis shrugs and turns around.
Coach Carr returns then, seeming much more dejected than he has throughout the rest of tryouts.
"Alright ladies! Over here, listen up," he half-yells. Janis raises an eyebrow at his choice of expression and heads over. "If I call your name you're on, you pick up your official jerseys on the first day of school. Stop by the office on your way out to order them, and you're in charge of the rest of your uniform."
"Yes, coach," they all say in unison. Janis doesn't quite get the memo and is a bit behind the boys, but she gets the words out.
"Abel, JV, bench. Coco, JV, bench," the coach calls. Glenn hollers a 'Yes!' and high fives a few people around him. They're getting closer and closer to the end of the alphabet. Janis' ears start ringing and she can barely hear. Until... "Samuels, varsity, wide receiver. Sarkisian... varsity, quarterback."
"What?" Janis asks in shock. Quarterback? How?
Shane yells the same question at the same time. "What?! I'm just the running back?! Why the hell does she get QB?!"
"Because Sarkisian has the skills. And I heard you over here, Oman, and she's a better leader. I'm not happy about it either, but she's the best candidate," Coach Carr says. "But Sarkisian. One fuck up and you're outta here. I got plenty of decent boys to replace you."
"Yes, coach," Janis says, already determined to stick around. Quarterback. Holy shit.
"Alright, get lost. I'll see you on the first day of school for first practice, first game is two Fridays later. Rest up and hydrate, go. Well done today."
Janis runs over to Damian with a wide smile on her face. Damian gapes at her. "Quarterback?!"
"Seems that way," Janis shrugs. She winces at the texture of her padding against her skin now that she's been sweating in it. "God, I feel like I've been swimming. I'm gonna have to shower for a week."
"Eew!" Damian screeches, wiggling his way up the bleachers away from her. Janis cackles and wags her fingers ominously, threatening to chase him with her sweaty gross-ness. "You're definitely showering before we leave, this little situation is not happening in my car. You're all icky."
"Thanks," Janis says, taking another swig of her water.
"Anytime."
—-
Janis takes a brisk shower in absolutely freezing water in the locker room. Damian waits outside the stall on a bench, scrolling through his phone. They have the whole locker room to themselves, since the cheer team isn't practicing yet and Janis is the only girl on the football team (!!!!).
"Jan? What's your email password?"
"No," Janis replies.
"But-"
"Why the hell do you need my email password?" Janis huffs as she turns off the water and starts drying herself off.
"They just sent out our schedules, I wanna see what we have together," Damian begs.
"Still, no," Janis hums. She screams as Damian's arm suddenly pops under the stall door, offering her his phone. "Christ, dude! Can you not wait, like, ten seconds?!"
"Do you really need to ask that? Hurry up, this floor is gross," Damian whines.
Janis snatches the phone, but opens the camera instead to take goofy selfies with her towel hat. She clicks it off and pretends she's signed in as she passes it back under the door and starts pulling on her clothes.
"Hey! You know I already have a very limited amount of storage!" Damian whines
"You gave me your phone, you accepted that as a possibility when you did," Janis replies as she unlocks the door and heads to grab her hairbrush.
"Come oonnnn," Damian begs. "Just to check your schedule."
"No," Janis insists, looking in the mirror to make sure she gets her hair thoroughly combed out.
"But whyyyyy?" Damian whines. "I'm not gonna hack your school email, come on."
"It's not that," Janis mumbles, yanking through a particularly stubborn knot in her hair. Damian winces at the sound, in pain by proxy.
"Then what is it?" he asks. Janis starts brushing her hair even more aggressively. "Girl, chill with the brush before you go bald and answer me."
"I don't want to see my schedule."
"Oh." Damian replies. "Wait, what? Why?"
Janis sighs, bracing on the sink and looking at herself in the mirror. "Because what if we don't have the same schedule anymore? I can't handle that."
"Yeah you can, Janjan," Damian says quietly, gently taking the brush and delicately combing through the spots on the back of her head that she'd missed on her own. "You've grown a lot since last year. And it's not like you'll never see me even if we do have different schedules. We still have lunch, and the mornings. And we're always together after school anyway."
"But what if I have something with Regina?" Janis whines.
"Then you try to do it," Damian replies. "And if you can't, you have all of the guidance office wrapped around your little finger. You'll get your schedule shifted and that'll be that."
"Can you stop being rational and calming for once in your life?" Janis grumbles, tying her still damp hair back into a ponytail. Damian daintily picks up her smelly gym bag and hands it to her as quickly as he possibly can.
"No. I've seen Janis-nadoes before, I'm not letting you spiral ever again," he laughs, following Janis out of the girls' locker room and out of the building.
"I'm not that bad," Janis says, making a very slow beeline to Damian's mom's car and yanking on the door handle. "Lemme innnnn."
"Stop doing that and I will," Damian replies, unlocking the door for her and sliding in. Janis winces at the blast of hot air from his car, but begrudgingly tosses her bag into his backseat and climbs in next to him. Damian looks confused when she holds out a hand. "What?"
"I'll check my schedule," Janis mumbles, pouting like a small child who's been asked to do their chores. Damian gently ruffles her hair and hands his phone over.
Janis taps into her school email address, and opens Damian's in another tab so she can compare them easily. "Ha! You have math first period."
Damian almost veers them into a stop sign. "Fuck! Noooo."
"Kindly don't kill us," Janis hums. "Nooo, I have it too!"
"You're coming down with me," Damian says ominously. Janis scoots away from him a little bit and continues looking.
"And we have... politics, and... English together," she continues.
"See, three out of seven isn't bad, you can handle that," Damian says gently. "And like I said, we still have lunch together. You're not getting rid of me."
"Try as I might," Janis sighs.
"It's not too late for you to walk."
"No, no, I take it back!"
"That's what I thought," Damian grins.
"You have too much power now, I don't like this," Janis humphs, crossing her arms over her chest.
"When you get a car you can torture me all you want," Damian replies. Janis snorts.
"When."
"It'll happen. You just don't manifest enough," Damian says.
"Uhhuh," Janis chuckles. "That's why I don't have it yet, I haven't manifested enough. It's definitely not just because I'm too broke for a car."
"Don't knock it 'til you try it," Damian pouts. He looks at her briefly to find his friend with her eyes closed and breathing deeply. "What are you doing?"
"Manifesting ice cream," Janis responds, popping one eye open to look at him. She grins victoriously as he sighs and starts driving them that way.
—————
Janis takes a deep breath as she stands face to face with the doors of North Shore High once again. She's been back quite recently for tryouts and other football things, but it's not the same without the pressures of schoolwork and the threat of a certain ever-present blonde.
Damian meets her by her locker, which gives her a bit more confidence. She shoves all the books she doesn't need into it without a second thought and slams it shut.
There's a girl Janis doesn't recognize talking to their math teacher when they walk in. She's absolutely tiny, probably not even five feet tall and 120 pounds at most. She's swimming in a too-large flannel top and green vest covered in patches. Janis can't make out any details from this distance, but she grins at seeing someone else who decorates their clothes. The girl also has on cargo shorts that make Janis feel Some Type Of Way and... socks with sandals. Dear god.
The girl rushes out the door when the bell rings, auburn hair flowing behind her. Janis stares after her for a long moment. She only snaps back into the real world when her phone buzzes in her pocket.
She slides into the seat next to Damian and pulls it out, to see a text from him.
damdam: 👀👀👀👀
damdam: I spy with my little gay eyes
damdam: Some gay ass shit
janjan: then u need glasses
damdam: You were totally checking her out
janjan: so what if i was?? she left
damdam: Jan theres only like 300 kids in our grade you're gonna see her again at some point
janjan: doesn't mean i'll talk to her
janjan: and it doesn't mean i like her
damdam: But she's cute
janjan: i will throw ur phone in the river
Ms. Norbury starts talking then, so Janis and Damian put their phones back down and try desperately to pay attention to algebra instead of falling asleep. Damian continues shooting her The Look of Judgement throughout class. Janis eventually resorts to keeping a hand over her face so she can't see him.
—————-
They make it through the day mostly unscathed. Until lunch.
"Uh oh," Damian says. Janis looks up from her turkey and cheese sandwich to see what he means.
The girl from their math class that morning is talking to none other than Regina George. Of course. She seems a bit afraid, but she naively sits by them when they invite her to. So much for that.
"Another Plastic," Janis sighs, her appetite now gone. "Yay."
"Chin up, my good bitch. Don't let them get to you," Damian comforts.
"Easier said than done, my good bastard," Janis gripes.
"I know, but you can't let Regina know she's still hurting you."
"I'm trying," Janis mumbles, poking at her carrots.
"You have practice tonight, yeah? Get your anger out then," Damian comforts, gently patting her shoulder.
"Damn right I will," Janis huffs.
"Theeeere's the Janjan I know."
————-
thanks for reading!! hope you enjoyed and have a great day :)
lots of love,
ezzy