"I will prescribe you the vitamins you need, Miss Marquez."
Unang nakita ko pagmulat ng mata ay ang puting kurtina. I concluded I was at a hospital because of the smell. Wala pa ako sa ulirat. The last thing I remembered was having dinner with my friends.
"You're in your fifth week of pregnancy so it's normal to feel nauseous once in a while." The doctor was busy looking at her clipboard.
Biglang nagpinting ang tenga ko. "Fifth week? That far?!" Lumakas ang boses ko imbis na manghina sa balita ng doctor.
I am pregnant?!
I started fanning myself with my hand, panicking. Halos isang buwan na pala akong nagmumukmok sa condo? Kaya ba ako tamad at walang gana? Akala ko dahil lang sa BAR!
Doc laughed. "Yes, Miss Marquez. That far. You didn't know?" she asked, which I answered by shaking my head. "Okay. We'll set an appointment so we can check up on the baby's health."
I was about to speak but halted when a man suddenly appeared behind the curtains. Marco was in his coat, holding a clipboard and cup in hand. Sweat was rolling down his temple even when it was freezing in here.
"How are you feeling?" he asked in a soothing tone. Naupo siya sa kama at hinaplos ang buhok ko. Despite his serious expression, the concern in his eyes was evident.
Parang bigla akong napipe sa tanong niya. Wala akong nagawa kung hindi titigan ang mukha niya.
After our fight, I wasn't sure how to confront him because, no matter how much I knew, my words were like knives and hurt him... I had no regrets. I meant every word. I wasn't happy anymore.
"Doctor Vergarez, ano'ng balita? Ano'ng sakit niya?" Bumaling siya kay Doc para makakuha ng sagot. But she turned to me, asking for permission if she can announce my results aloud. It's good to know she respects the patient's privacy.
"It's just fatigue. Nothing serious," pinangunahan ko na siya. Napansin ko ang stubble ni Marco kaya iritang pinasada ko ang daliri roon. "You need to shave, Marquenzo. Ang panget ng balbas mo. Hindi bagay."
"Busy ako." Hinawi niya ang daliri ko sa mukha niya bago tumayo at lumapit sa doctor. They went far away from me to talk. I can still hear them, though. "Iuuwi ko muna siya."
"Excuse me? May rounds ka," masungit na sagot ni Doc.
"Sige na, Dana. Sa 'yo naman ako na-assign ngayon, eh. Duty na lang ako hanggang bukas ng hapon para makompleto iyong hours. Aalagaan ko muna girlfriend ko."
Dana sighed, scratching her head with the ballpen. "Ikaw na may girlfriend. Gosh, I feel so single!"
With a grin, Marco draped an arm on her shoulder and spoke inaudibly. Dana rolled her eyes, elbowed him, and whispered back. Marco chuckled and the sides of his eyes scrunched, so I assumed it was amusing.
"You don't have to drop me home. Zion is with me," I interfered their conversation, even when I wasn't sure. But siya ang huling nakita ko kanina bago ako nahimatay so malamang siya ang nagdala sa 'kin dito.
Marco lazily shifted his eyes at me. "Ako mag-uuwi sa 'yo."
"Zion is with me," ulit ko. "You don't have to skip your shift now just for me. I can handle myself. Just focus on your work and then rest after." Paniguradong wala pa itong pahinga dahil na-admit na naman ang kapatid niya.
Doctor Vergarez got rattled when she saw me and Maki staring at each other seriously, no one wanting to back down. Nagpaalam siya bago kami iniwan.
"Ano bang pinaggagagawa mo at nahihimatay ka na?" Marco calmly walked towards me. Inayos niya ang wire ng dextrose ko dahil nabuhol iyon. "Naka-dextrose ka pa, oh. Wala ka ng tubig sa katawan. Kumakain ka pa ba?"
"If you're going to start a sermon, I don't need it." Napahawak ako sa tiyan ko. Like a hawk, his eyes quickly followed my hand. Inalis ko kaagad iyon.
"May masakit?"
Umiling ako. "You don't have to drop me off."
"Because Zion is with you?"
I rolled my eyes. "Don't tell me you're jealous?"
Umirap din siya. "Hindi."
"Really?"
Inismiran niya ako bago tinuon ang mga mata sa 'kin. Halos magulat ako sa mga mata niyang malamig. He only had that expression when he's pissed.
"What are you expecting me to feel?" He licked his lower lip. "You always choose him over me these days, Ica. Halos kasama mo siya araw-araw. Ako isang beses sa dalawang linggo lang."
Pagod akong bumuntong-hininga. "Marco, I have no time for this," I told him.
"Palagi ka naman walang time," pagbato niya, seryoso.
"Talagang ibabato mo sa 'kin iyan?" I can't believe him!
"Oo," walang hiyang sagot niya. "Inaaya kitang lumabas, ayaw mo. Gusto kitang bisitahin, ayaw mo rin. Kung hindi pa ako tatawag, hindi kita makakausap dahil kahit text 'di mo magawa. Kung hindi ko pa iwe-welcome ang sarili ko sa condo mo, hindi kita makikita."
"I told you, I'm-"
"Busy? Bullshit," he cut me off firmly before his jaw clenched, pissed.
Zion showed up behind the curtains. When he saw my glare at Marco, he stopped in his tracks. I was annoyed even more when Marco simply returned it with a mocking and caustic expression.
"The doctor said you're allowed to go after removing your dextrose." Zion cleared his throat, uncomfortable with the air.
"Salamat sa pagdala sa kaniya pero ako ang mag-uuwi" he interfered in a dismissive tone. Inabala niya ang sarili sa pagbabasa sa clipboard niya.
Zion nodded. "If that's the case, I'll leave now. I'll see you tomorrow, Ica. Get some rest."
"Tomorrow na naman," Marco mumbled.
My mind wasn't still wrapped around the thought that I was pregnant. Do I want it? Yes. I have always wanted a baby. If only I had passed the BAR and had a job, this would have been a perfect time and age for me. It was the life I had imagined.
I remembered Marco didn't want a child. He made that clear before. A kid wasn't in his list of priorities. Paano na 'to?
The only people I told about my pregnancy was Zion and Sab. Hindi ko pa kaya sabihin sa lahat ng kaibigan ko. The following week, I decided to have my check-up. It ended well, and I shed a tear or two.
"Ano'ng ginagawa mo rito? May sakit ka na naman?" Nag-aalala lumapit si Marco nang nagkasalungat kami sa hallway. He brushed my hair back with his fingers, which was still wet from the rain outside. "Ulan ba sa labas?"
"Is it obvious?" patuya kong tanong, making him purse his lips.
No one attempted to strike up a conversation as we walked down the hospital's always quiet corridor. Doctors and nurses passed by, giving me sidelong glances as if they recognized me. It's either that or they just want a glimpse of Marco.
A little kid suddenly tripped on the floor in front of me, causing me to squeal a little and take a step back in surprise. Nasubsub siya sa sahig kaya dumiretso ang ice cream sa mukha niya.
"It's okay, little boy. It doesn't hurt! Let's stand up!" Marco quickly held the kid's armpits and helped him up.
"Thank you for the help, Doctor!" Hindi naman umiiyak ang bata, humahagikgik pa nga habang pinupunasan ang mukha niyang my ice cream gamit ang likod ng palad niya. Napangiwi ako dahil mas kumalat tuloy iyon.
Marco shook his head, chuckling. He wiped the boy's face using his handkerchief and said a joke, making the kid giggle again. Naglakad sila papunta sa counter. He squirted some alcohol from the bottle onto the child's hands.
Lumabas na ako. Just in time when I clicked the button of my umbrella, I saw Marco nearing. He held my hand that was holding the umbrella at inangat iyon. Sumilong siya kasabay ng paghawak niya sa baywang ko para magkasya kami sa payong.
I immediately felt his warmth because he was almost hugging me. It was comforting... but somehow, it didn't bring the same comfort it used to bring me.
Something has really changed.
"Ba't hindi mo ako hinintay?" His brow shot up.
I shrugged, looking pass him. "Duty mo pa. Go back inside." I pushed him away gently by the chest but he didn't budge.
"Break."
"You're really good with kids," I unconsciously said when I saw another kid on a wheelchair, holding balloons.
"Buong buhay ko ba naman nagbabantay ng bata. Tsaka tambay ako sa pedia kapag break time. Kids there are too cute. Tuwang-tuwa pa nga sila kapag may dala akong mga pagkain o coloring book." Sinundan niya ng tingin ang bata habang nagkekwento, nakangiti nang tipid.
Sinalo ko ang ulan na tumutulo sa dulo ng payong gamit ang palad ko para mabaling ang atensyon. Malamig iyon, tulad ng hangin na humahaplos sa binti ko. I was just wearing shorts but long sleeves on top so I didn't exactly have to endure the breeze.
The rain stopped pouring so we proceeded to my car. I had the urge to ask him something. It was at the tip of my tongue, wanting to be said so, I called him, "Marquenzo..."
"Hmm?" He threw me a sideway glance.
"You said you don't want a child before, right? Is it... Is it still the same now?" My voice began confidently, but ended so low that it couldn't pass as the wind.
"Still the same," he answered in a heartbeat. "Tingin ko hindi na magbabago iyon. Ayaw ko talaga ng anak. Wala akong oras at base sa experience ko sa pagbabantay sa mga kapatid ko, nakakapagod. Ngayon pa nga lang, nahihirapan na akong ibalanse ang buhay ko."
My heart hurts like acid has been poured on it. It wasn't the typical crack and hammering sensation, but something more. How do I tell him about our baby when he sounded sure that he will never want one?
"Sabihin na natin na may time nga akong magagawa, pero mas gusto kong ilaan lahat ng iyon sa 'yo. Kontento ako kahit tayong dalawa lang." He gave me a cheeky smile.
I couldn't stand staring at him for long, so I doubled my pace to get to my car faster. Inabala ko ang sarili sa phone habang naghihintay matapos ang break time niya para makaalis na ako. Habang siya, tahimik lang na pinapanuod ako.
I giggled a little while chatting with Sabrina. Bumaling ako kay Marco dahil dama ko ang titig niya na mas dumiin.
Out of nowhere, I showed him my phone. "It's Sab," I informed, not wanting him to think it was Zion. Malamang iyon ang iniisip niya.
Iniwas niya agad ang tingin sa 'kin. "You don't have to show me that."
"Baka kasi iniisip mong nagsisinungaling ako." It just slipped out.
He furrowed his brows. "May rason ba para pagdudahan kita? May tinatago ka ba sa 'kin?"
Nanigas ako. Mayroon. Pero hindi ko sasabihin sa 'yo dahil ayaw mo nito.
"Mayroon ba?" he probed menacingly. He turned on the courtesy light since it was difficult to see because of the rain and the overcast skies. Cupping my cheek with his hand, he leaned to me. His eyes were a bit doubtful as he watched me intently.
"What do you mean? You think I'm hiding something?" I tried to act casual by adding a light laugh.
"Kahit ano'ng sabihin mo, maniniwala ako sa 'yo. Mayroon o wala?"
I sighed deeply, leaning sideways on the steering wheel and staring at him. "Wala," mataman kong pagsisinungaling. Tumango siya at binitawan ako. "Why did you even ask? Not once did you doubt me. You don't trust me anymore?"
"Are there reasons for me to not trust you?" he asked with a polite smile that seem mocking.
"Marco, I don't have time for a pointless fight with you. Can we finally talk about our last fight? We need to stop avoiding our problem!"
Napailing siya. "I don't see any problem, Ica."
"Do I have to beg you so you would talk to me seriously? To face our problem? What? Magpapanggap ba tayo na hindi iyon nangyari at wala akong sinabi?"
With that, he abruptly turned his attention away from me and said, "If talking about it means losing you, then no, I don't want any talk to happen."
"I meant what I said last time... I'm not happy anymore..." Iniwas ko rin ang mga mata ko at pinanuod ang pagpatak ng ulan sa bintana ko.
The rain comforted me. Nakakatawa kasi na parang sinasabayan niya ang nararamdaman ko. Naiiyak ako, pero walang luhang tumutulo dahil naubos na sa nakaraaang mga linggo.
I oscillated my head at a slow pace. "Aren't you tired of thinking that avoiding the problem is our solution? Because no, Marquenzo, we already have a huge hole that we both know will remain broken no matter how hard we try to fix it..."
"Pagod. Pagod dahil ako na lang ang sumusubok." He gave me a definite answer. He didn't even beat around the bush. "Pero alam mo kung ano'ng mas nakakapagod at masakit? Iyong mukhang wala kang balak na lumaban kasama ako."
"Nasubukan naman na natin maging masaya, 'di ba? Sinubukan naman natin... 'di ba?" pagod kong tanong.
"Sinusubukan ko pa rin." Although it was almost a whisper, I could hear the seriousness in his tone.
Nagtitigan lang kami. I felt nothing. No regrets. He used to make me weak, but now every time I look at him, I remember something painful. It was as if he represented my anguish and failure.
"Sige, pag-usapan natin kung iyon ang gusto mo." He faced me, serious but tears shimmered in his eyes as he tried to hold it back. "Ba't galit ka sa 'kin? Ano'ng nagawa ko? Sinasabi mo na wala pero halatang mayroon."
Umiling ako. Hinding-hindi ko kayang sabihin na dahil sa kaniya ako bumagsak. I'll keep that between myself and his two friends. I'd rather suffer and keep it all inside than tell him. I was mad... But I didn't want him to suffer alongside me.
"Sabi mo pag-usapan natin pero ayaw mo naman maging totoo. Pambihira ka naman." Napagulo siya sa buhok niya, nasestress. "Walang rason? Then why did everything change between us? Hindi tayo ganito dati..."
"Pero ito na tayo ngayon," rest back ko, umiiling. "I'm simply not happy."
"Paano naman ako?" Nakita ko ang pagdaan ng sakit sa mata niya kaya umiwas ako muli ng tingin.
"Why can't you accept that this is the-"
"We can fix this." Ang bilis ng pagputol niya, ayaw marinig ang huling mga salitang nais kong bitawan. "We have to try. If you're letting go, well I'm not giving you up."
"Ang damot mo..." I subconsciously muttered.
"Talaga bang madamot ako? Gusto ko lang ayusin tayo. Is that selfish?"
"Paano naman ako?" Nagamit ko salitang binitawan niya kanina.
Marco eyed me. "Paano rin ako?"
"I'm not happy..." I had to repeat, hoping he'll give me what I want. "Please. Huwag na nating patagalin. We both know where this is heading..." I desperately took his hands. The weight was suffocating me. Forcing to fix us was not what I want.
"Fixed. Still in a relationship. That's where we're heading." Binigyan niya ako ng mataman na tingin bago marahas na binawi ang kamay sa akin at bumaba kahit na umuulan pa. His hair was immediately covered in rain. "Bakit ayaw mong lumaban?"
"Because I already told you-" I stopped when he spoke.
"Mahal mo ba ako?"
"Minahal naman kita," I replied, biting my lower lip to prevent my tears.
His brows rose up and his lips parted slightly. He tried to utter something but ended up biting his lower lip as pain glowed in his eyes. The water from his hair dripped down his cheek but I knew, tears went along with it.
"Drive safe." Then he closed the door and left, not waiting for my response and allowing himself to get drenched in the rain.
One morning, I was eating a donut while laying down in bed, looking up the ceiling. It was a physically lazy day, but my mind was running marathons already from lots of unsaid thoughts.
"Ica, wala bang katapusan ang issue mo? May bago na naman tungkol sa inyo ni Marco. Break na raw kayo kasi hindi nakikitang nagsasama. As if that would happen. You're having a baby for pete's sake! Mga tao talaga. Puro walang magawa." Sabrina shook her head, laughing.
"Pakuha ako tubig, please," I requested, pouting a little.
She rolled her eyes before standing up. "Ikaw buntis ka, ha. 'Wag patamad-tamad at mahihirapan kang manganak niyan. Exercise ka minsan. Walking, ganoon."
Ngumiwi ako. "Pass."
When she left, my thoughts continued from messing with me. Then a sudden realization hit me. Why am I just sulking in bed and doing nothing? What am I doing with my life?
So, I went back in my career to finish my contract. Sinubukan kong makihalubilo muli at bumalik sa dati kong sarili—masayahin. I was taking care of myself now, surrounding myself with people who radiates great energy because I didn't want to cause myself stress.
Our baby is healthy. Honestly, I was hoping for a boy. I wonder what Marco would want to have.
If only he wanted to have one.
[Can I sleep over?] Marco sounded so tired over the other line.
"Why?"
[Please? Kahit hindi tayo mag-usap. Kahit isang gabi lang, Ica. I'm really tired. Uuwi rin ako agad sa umaga. Hindi rin kita guguluhin mamaya. I just really want to see you right now. Kailangan kita, please.] halos nagmamakaawa ang tono niya.
My eyes shut tight, making us fall into silence. I kind of miss being around him. Matagal ko na siyang hindi nakikita. I was about to reply a 'Sure' but he spoke.
[Huwag na lang pala. Ah, may duty pala ako.] he said. [Don't forget to eat. Goodnight... babe.]
Somehow, after that, he stopped. We weren't communicating anymore. It's like he has given up forcing himself to be in my spotlight. We were in a relationship that doesn't seem like one.
Hanggang sa nasanay ako na ganoon.
Sometimes, love makes me underestimate my way of thinking. How was it possible that one night I slept feeling so happy, but then when I opened my eyes, I realized someone—who I considered my person—wasn't the cause of my euphoria anymore?
Masaya ako dahil masaya lang ako. Hindi siya ang rason ng kasiyahan ko. And you'll think it's normal. But it's not. Because I've come to think about it, I have been happy lately for different reasons...
But not one of those reasons was him.
"I haven't seen you for a long time! Marco has been hogging you too much." Cali pouted jokingly before hugging me. We were at an art gallery with some actors.
I let out a light laugh. "No naman. Just really busy to socialize," I lied, tapping her back so she'd let me go. Hindi ko bet perfume niya.
"Hala, mabaho ba ako?" kinakabahan na tanong niya nang nakita ang pag-scrunch ko ng ilong.
"No, silly!" Tumawa ako nang totoo.
"Thank you, Ica, ah?" She suddenly hugged me again. Nagtaka naman ako at napatanong kung para saan. "For being beside Marco. He's going through a difficult time right now, and I know my and our friend's comfort isn't the type he wants. It's yours."
That was all she said before touring me around. She didn't add any details anymore. It clouded with my mind until I went home.
What was his problems? I wanted to know.
"I wonder who you'll look like." I caressed my tummy just as I sat down on my sofa. Maliit pa rin naman iyon at hindi halata ang bump, unless I wear fitted clothes so I avoid it as much as I can. "Kamukha mo sana daddy mo para moreno tapos maganda ang mata."
Daddy.
But I got reminded again that Marco didn't want a child.
Maybe it was my hormones or another round of realization, I burst into tears. I curled up in the sofa, still in my long dress. Tumigin ako sa mga pictures namin ni Marco habang humahagulgol. Para akong namatayan.
"Ang sama mo, Ica... Hindi mo man lang sinubukan. Bumigay ka lang din... Sumusuko ka lang agad..." I slapped myself repeated, breaking down as I tried to sink in everything.
Again, it made me wonder how love works. One moment, you feel a rush of excitement about having coffee in the mornings, waking up beside someone, enjoying comfortable silence, holding hands—doing everything with the person you see spending your life with.
You consider the person as your everything. You plan your future and look forward to it. Together.
Then, one day, it's worthless as dust. Nothing. Your everything becomes nothing. As if it wasn't a chapter you'd previously written and hoped to live in the first place.
Bago sumikat ang araw, nakita ko na lang ang sarili kong nagda-drive papunta sa apartment. Marco was usually awake at this time. And I was right. He was there on the patio. Instead of having coffee for breakfast, he had a bottle of beer and a cigarette in hand.
I remained inside my car, peering at him through my window. While smoking and gazing somewhere, he looked so lost in his thoughts.
Gusto kong lumapit pero wala akong tapang. Was this his state these days?
While I was building myself again, he was turning into a mess. On times he was looking for me, I was slowly moving on. While he was falling in love, I was falling out of love.
Bakit ang bilis sa 'kin na sabihin na ayaw ko na sa kaniya? Minahal ko nga ba talaga siya? Masyado ba akong galit sa kaniya para maging madali ang lahat?
"Where is he going?" Of course I didn't get an answer because I asked myself that.
Sinundan ko ang kotse ni Marco nang bigla siyang nag-drive paalis. We ended up in a beach, the beach where he first took me to. Sumulyap siya sa sasakyan ko bago naglakad papunta sa buhanginan.
"Marco," I called as I followed him, but he didn't stop.
"Bakit mo ako sinundan?" His voice sounded so cold it made my heart bleed.
"How are you?" I stopped behind him. The wind blew, making the smell of beer from his clothes invade my nose. Umatras ako.
When he faced me, disbelief was his main expression. His eyes were bloodshot like he had no sleep and was crying all night.
The wind blew his hair and the rising sun slowly drew colors on his skin. Napatingin ako nang may pumatak na tubig sa balat ko. Mukhang uulan pa.
"Lahat ng kapatid ko kukunin ng tatay ko, maliban kay Ares. Walang matitira kay Mama. May custody pa at umayon sa kaniya ang korte dahil may pera siya. Kami, wala. Iyon, halos mamatay na sa kakaiyak si Mama at pinipilit akong gumawa ng paraan. Pero tangina, Lalique, wala na akong maisip," he said angrily.
My lips parted. Deep inside, I was shocked and regrets were flowing in. That was what's happening with him?
"Mababaliw na ako. Hinahaluglog ko na ang utak ko para humanap ng solusyon pero blanko." Dinuro niya ang sentido niya. Halos mahulog na ang talukap niya sa antok. "Mababaliw na ako, lalo na dahil wala ka sa tabi ko para tulungan ako tulad ng palagi mong ginagawa..."
Lumapit ako. He watched me, hope filling in his eyes. "Why didn't you tell me? I could've helped you," nanghihinang sambit ko.
"Naalala mo noong tumawag ako at sinabi kong kailangan kita?" He gave me a painful smile, shaking his head. "Hindi mo ako sinagot. Hindi mo ako pinapunta. Hindi ka man lang nagtanong kung ano'ng kailangan ko sa 'yo."
"I'm sorry..." I tried so hard not to sit on the sand when my knees weakened.
He smiled bitterly. "Alam mo na siguro ang sagot kung kamusta ako."
"Hindi ko alam na ganiyan ang nangyayari sa 'yo... If only I knew-"
"If only you knew then you would've been there for me? Out of pity?" He sounded sarcastic as he finished for me.
"Of course not," I quickly defended. Dama ko ang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko sa kaba at sakit dahil malala pa ang intensyon ko kung bakit ako nandito.
"Kahit mahal kita, napapagod din ako. Hirap na hirap na ako, Lalique. You don't even talk to me at all. No matter how hard I try to reach out, you're just not there. It's like I'm in a relationship with a ghost."
"Bakit, tayo pa ba?" I took a step back to get a better look at him. "Tayo pa ba? Tayo pa pala?" I asked quietly, taking a breather as I watched his expression change.
"Bakit, para sa 'yo ba hindi na? Ayaw mo na ba?" His eyes glistened in pain.
"Hindi na ako masaya," I blurted the only reason I have.
"Hindi na rin ako masaya. Pagod na ako, nahihirapan, at unti-unti nang nagiging malungkot pero hindi sapat na rason iyon para iwanan kita."
"I'm not happy with us anymore, Marco. Isn't that enough for you to let me go?"
"Is that enough for you to leave?" nasasaktan na pagbalik niya.
It is.
After almost 2 years of relationship, I was about to let go of the one thing I used to be sure of, which just doesn't seem certain to me now.
Hindi ko na nakikita ang punto na ipaglaban 'to. Siguro... hanggang dito na lang talaga kami.
"Sinubukan naman natin. Nasubukan naman na natin. Some things just come to an end... At tayo iyon." Lumapit ako sa kaniya, nakikiusap ang mga mata.
"Sinusubukan ko pa rin!" giit niya bago tumingin sa langit at napamura. He put his hands on the back of his head to get rid of his frustration.
"Tama na... Let's not hurt each other more. I will let you go to avoid hurting you more. Marco, minahal naman kita..."
"Bakit palagi na lang minahal? Hindi mo na ba ako mahal?" He looked mad, frustrated, and in pain. "Tangina. Ano ba kasing nagawa ko? Sabihin mo naman, oh!" Tinalikuran niya ako para hindi ko siya makitang lumuha.
"You did nothing wrong. It's not you," I reasoned, my tears forming.
"Tanginang linya naman iyan, Lalique."
Napalunok ako at dinama ang galit niya. "I cannot force myself to love you again. Do you want me to stay in a loveless relationship with you?"
"Tell me what I did." When he turned to me, he cupped my cheeks, looking desperate for answers. "Dahil ba 'to sa BAR? Dahil wala ako noon para sa 'yo? Dahil busy ako?" he threw possibilities.
"No," I denied and swallowed the lump on my throat.
"Isang beses...." Nanghina siya at binitawan ang pisngi ko. Purong-puro ang sakit sa kaniyang mga mata. "Isang beses lang ako wala para sa 'yo. Isang beses ko lang pinili na unahin ang sarili ko... Ayaw mo na kaagad?"
I tried to reach for his hand. "It's not because of that!" paninindigan ko. "Please, just give us up."
"No, we can't give this up... Baby, we can't give up. Not now, please," he begged, crying.
"I can't anymore. I'm giving it all up... I'm giving up on us, Marco." My voice crack at the end. Sa bawat patak ng segundo, mas lalong bumibigat ang dibdib ko.
Nasasayangan ako. I wanted to hold on. I didn't want to give it all up.
But I was not in love with him one bit anymore, and I didn't want to fool the both of us. I was just in love with the memories we've made, the laughs we shared, and the love that once made me bloom like flowers in spring.
I used to be so in love but why did everything have to change?
"Please, stay for me... Hindi pa ako handa... Please, huwag ngayon...." Napaluhod siya sa buhangin at niyakap ang mga binti ko nang sobrang higpit. "Kailangan kita... Kailangan na kailangan kita..." pagmamakaawa niya.
"I don't want to stay..." I clenched fist near my chest, wanting to get rid of the pain as I allow myself to break down too.
I understand why I suddenly stopped feeling the same way about him. It was because of that one strong emotion that masked my love until it faded. It was scorching, and no matter how hard I avoided it, it still caused a sunburn on my fragile heart.
Anger.
That emotion. My anger made my love for him fade. My anger made me realize that loving too much, too strong, and too fully wasn't good for me. It was my downfall. It made me drown. Nowhere near saved for now. It made me doubt.
"Please stay." Marco hugged me tighter. "I love you," he uttered the words I yearned to hear for such along time.
"Ngayon pa?" nahihirapan na tanong ko at lumuhod para kapahin ang mukha niyang puno ng luha. He immediately held both my hands with begging eyes. "Bakit ngayon pa? Minahal kita pero hindi ko pa kayang mahalin ka ulit..."
"Minahal mo ako pero ang bilis ng lahat sa 'yo? Isang iglap nagbago tayo? Dahil ba sa isang pagkakamali ko? Dahil wala ako roon? Dahil nagkaproblema tayo?"
Hindi ko inakalang kaya ko siyang saktan nang ganito pero alam ko na kung mas papatagalin ko pa 'to at mananatili sa tabi niya half-heartedly, mas masasaktan lang siya.
Pagod na ako sa paulit-ulit na pagsabi sa kaniya ng katagang 'Hindi na ako masaya' kaya hindi na lang ako nagsalita.
"Ano iyon? Mahal mo lang ako kapag masaya? Pero kapag hindi iiwan mo na ako?" Natawa siya nang sarkastiko. "Ibang klase ka magmahal, Lalique. May hangganan."
"I cannot stay, Marco.... I don't want to prolong our pain. Hindi na tayo pareho ng gusto. Naliligaw na ako ng landas. Hindi ko na makita ang sarili ko na kasama ka sa ngayon. I want to be free... I want to breathe..."
His lips parted with my words. "Am I suffocating you?"
You know when they say that giving up was the best way out? This was mine. Because I chose to give up on him on times we actually needed each other.
"Kahit nasasaktan ako, mas naramdaman ko lang na sobra kitang mahal, Ica." Marco sniffed. "Please, don't do this to me... Kaya pa naman natin 'to... Kakayanin ko para sa atin... No matter what, I have you to have you... Please."
Sinabi ko rin iyon dati. Kaya ko. Kakayanin ko. Pero darating talaga sa punto na sarili mo na ang sumuko sa 'yo.
"Marco, like I said, I will never not love you... but I have to leave to avoid causing you more pain." Alam ko sa sarili ko na kahit kailan, mamahalin ko siya. But in a different way than how I used to do.
Desperately, he said, "Stay with me...."
"I'm sorry, but I want to leave..." I planted a kiss on his cheek. He took that as an opportunity to envelope his arms around me to not let me escape from him.
I was about to leave without him knowing about our child. It was a choice I made for us. He had dreams, priorities. A baby wasn't a part of it. I know my choice is right.
"Please, Marco... stop asking me to stay because I won't."
Umiling siya sa leeg ko. "Bakit... Bakit ang hirap para sa 'yo na manatili? Kahit saglit lang... Huwag mo lang akong iwan ngayon..." he begged.
Our cries became more intense as raindrops fell from the sky and we became drenched. Hindi ko na kayang marinig ang pagiyak niya.
"Ayaw ko na nga. Let me leave..."
"Aalis ka?" Inangat niya ang baba ko. He pierced his tired and bloodshot eyes through mine. But suddenly, he blocked all his emotions. "Gusto mong umalis?" mataman niyang tanong.
"Yes..." I nodded. "I'm really sorry but you cannot change my mind..."
"Sige, umalis ka. Mahal kita pero please, huwag ka nang bumalik. Huwag ka nang magpakita sa akin." He let out a deep breath, shaking his head in disappointment and pain. "Umalis ka na..."
My heart cracked with his words. I bit my lip when it quivered. As the sun started to fully rise, I slowly forced myself away from him and left him without a word, without looking back.
It was raining, but I was burning. Skin-deep.... Sunburned in my own emotions.
This was the end of us.