It was December twenty-third. Eleven-thirty at night. She lay awake, curled up with Jace who was out cold. And it hit her like a ton of bricks. She wasn't going to her aunt's house. She could pretend that she was. She could plan for it. Even wear the new sweater her mother had bought her after she refused to buy a dress. But she knew she wasn't going to go. The reality kept her up. She sat on the edge of the bed and lit up a joint. She stared at the moon through the window while she went through the Nutcracker choreography in her head. She still knew it. She'd had a solo last year. She still remembered that, too. She hadn't been given the honor this year. The director having seen her downfall coming all along, probably. She wished she'd just been kicked off the team back in September. She opened her phone to the video Sean had sent her of the band playing the piece they had written together. The one she'd dumbed down for their new bassist. Usually, she was more than thrilled to share her passion and help others progress. Right now, though, she just wanted to mock him. She listened to it once for overall enjoyment. Another to enjoy Sean's vocals, smooth as satin. A third to enjoy his guitar solo. A fourth to pick out the drum line. And now she listened to it a fifth time to rip apart the bassist. Jace stirred, and she hardly noticed. Her bad attitude turned into anger. He hadn't done a horrible job. Sure, he'd fucked up a dozen times easy, and his slaps weren't loud enough – which was actually good because they weren't quick enough, either – but it didn't take away from the song. There was still a solid baseline that blended with the band. She went to the kitchen, still naked, and chugged the whiskey straight from the handle. It burned going down, but she hardly noticed. The buzz kicked in, and she took a deep breath to relax. It was Christmas Eve by the time she fell into bed.
...
"He hasn't heard from her all day." Jason said, having just spoke with Aaron as he was getting ready for the Christmas Eve party.
"She promised me." Jennie said, the anger gaining traction over the hurt. Jason didn't say anything. His daughter was a selfish bitch. Nothing more, nothing less. Jason walked back out of the room. He just couldn't take the tears right now.
"Dad." Aaron called out as he walked by his room. Jason stopped mid-step.
"Yeah." He called back.
"I'll take care of mom this time." He said. They both thought back to Thanksgiving. Jason continued on his way.
...
Jace's mother watched Abby walk over to the piano. Her hair hung down, loose and free, ringlets formed at the ends where it needed to be cut. She wore a white sweater, it looked new. It was cable knit and fell just to her hips. She wore jeans, probably curve hugging at one point. She'd ditched her shoes for stocking feet. They were Christmas stockings with Santa hat wearing penguins on them. Abby wiped her finger across the top of the piano cover. A layer of dust. No one played. Which meant it was probably out of tune. She rolled the top back and sat down in front of it. If the tune was wack, she could just switch keys. The party was raging in the next couple rooms, but she was desperately trying to stay away from the alcohol. Jace was trying the apple cider whiskey and rum eggnog drinks. His kisses tasted like alcohol, and so she'd snuck out. She danced across the keys, feeling for pressure and stickiness. When she had finished assessing the situation, she was ready. She played softly, playing for herself and for tradition. For her grandmother. She closed her eyes and sang along, a rare occurrence for Abby.
...
"Dude, how's it you're shit faced and pocketing laced joints, when your girl's fresh out of rehab?" Jace knew there'd be a comment from someone.
"How's it you always have something to say when it's none of your fucking business." Jace fired back.
"I'm just saying what everyone else is thinking." He countered.
"Boys, it's Christmas Eve. Just fucking cool it." Jace's sister-in-law lectured. And then they heard the piano. It was a hauntingly lower version of Silent Night. Jace closed his eyes and smiled. "I forgot we even had a piano." His sister-in-law said. Everyone walked to the next room to better hear her play. As they got closer, he heard singing. He pulled out his phone, the other guests making a path for him. She ended the song, and everyone held their breath for a moment of silence, acknowledging her talent. Then she smiled, shrugging off the emotion and broke into the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy.
Abby wanted to send the video Jace had taken to her grandmother. She knew she'd be at her uncle Adam's, and that her family would be over there tomorrow afternoon. She sent the video with a text that said Merry Christmas, Gram, with a heart.
...
Jason received a text from his mother. Odd for Christmas Eve. Odd in general. She didn't text. She'd bought an iPhone mostly to better keep in touch with her grandchildren.
Abby just sent me this video. I'm assuming she's not with you. She sent a heart, knowing it would be hard for him to see. He didn't want to watch it. He'd spent the first thirty minutes of the Christmas Eve party at Jennie's sister's house consoling his wife's broken heart. But he was curious. He stepped aside from the crowd so he could hear. It was a video of Abby playing Silent Night on the piano. He didn't recognize any of the people listening in person, and that pissed him off. As the videographer got closer, he could hear Abby singing. And the anger melted away. She'd changed the key of the song, and he swelled with pride at her ability to know how to do that, to know just what to play. To hear it and know it. He hadn't noticed the rest of the room grow quiet, everyone staring at him. He hadn't noticed the tears streaming down his face. When it ended, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Jennie put her arm around Aaron's shoulders and hugged him as they watched.
"Can I see it?" Aaron asked. Jason looked at him and finally realized he had a captive audience. He cleared his throat and dried his eyes. He handed his son his phone and excused himself.
...
After twenty minutes or so, Abby received a text back from her grandmother. She was nervous to read it.
Abby, it's beautiful as always. I just wish you were with your family. Merry Christmas. And the words hurt. Abby had just wanted to let her grandmother know that she was thinking of her, and she'd taken a shot. And that's all it took for Abby to let go and lose all self-control.
...
The three of them stood in the living room, staring at the lit tree in the dark room. The twinkling lights caught the ribbons on the gifts, and it really looked amazing. Too bad none of them felt like it was Christmas.
"Do you want to open one right now, for tradition's sake?" Every year the kids got to open a gift on Christmas Eve after they got home from their aunt's house. He shook his head.
"I don't open anything without Abby here." He turned away from the tree and went up to bed.
...
Jason was the first to open his eyes. The sunlight had woken him up. He checked his phone, just to be sure she hadn't tried to call or text. Nothing. And then he glanced at the time. Eight fifty-five. They hadn't slept that late on Christmas day since the twins had been born. He knew he wouldn't be able to go back to bed, so he got up and made coffee, ignoring the tree, the presents, the entire living room.
Aaron knew he was awake, but he didn't want to open his eyes. Because then it would be Christmas, and he didn't want it to happen this way. He did open one eye to check his phone. No calls, no messages. At one minute past midnight, he'd sent her a message the said Merry Christmas. She'd never bothered to answer. He looked at the time. It was past nine. He rolled over and tried to go back to bed.
She felt Jason get out of bed, but she pretended to be asleep. She pretended she were dead. Because she wanted to be. She couldn't take the heartache anymore.
...
"Merry Christmas." Abby awoke to Jace's voice. He cuddled into her. They were in his bed. After his brother's family party, they'd gone to a killer Christmas Eve party, it had been practically snowing cocaine. They'd both been fucked up, bad. She had no idea how they'd gotten to his house. And no idea why she wanted a line at nine-fifteen in the morning. And then she checked her messages. Texts from her family. Voicemails from her family. Jace playfully took her phone away from her. And then he kissed her to take her mind off it. And then they got high again.
...
"Dad, we have to make her come home." He said in tears. "It's Christmas. I want her to be here even if she doesn't want to be." Jason sighed.
"Aaron, I just-." He stopped. He knew he shouldn't say it, shouldn't even feel it. But he did. And he didn't want his son to know, but he just didn't have it in himself to fake it. Aaron waited for him to finish. "I just don't even want her here anymore." He admitted.
"You don't love Abby anymore?" He asked, angry.
"I love Abby with all my heart." He promised. "But I can't do this anymore. If she doesn't want to be here, I can't make her."
"But you're her dad. You're supposed to make her do the things she doesn't want to." Jason chuckled. Aaron was sort of right. But not like this. Jason looked in his son's pleading eyes. And he knew no matter how much his heart ached, Abby was a part of Aaron's heart, and his must ache more than Jason could ever know.
"Okay." Jason said, standing up. "Let's go get her." Relief flooded Aaron's face. "I'll tell your mom and meet you in the car." Jennie still hadn't gotten out of bed. It was ten-thirty. He sat on the edge of the bed, and gently brushed back the strands of hair that fell over her face. She looked up at him. She'd been crying. He smiled at her. "Merry Christmas." He whispered. She smiled, it was genuine, though it hurt.
"Merry Christmas." She whispered back.
"I'm going out for a ride with Aaron." He told her. "We'll be back. We both have our phones." She searched his face. What did going out for a ride mean on Christmas morning? "And then when I come back, we're going to have breakfast. And we're going to have Christmas. Okay?" She nodded. He kissed her cheek and went to the car. The ride was quiet. Christmas music playing softly on the radio. When they pulled up in front of the house, Aaron hesitated. Jason gave him a minute. Aaron had been in there once before, and he hated it. The smells, the sights, the meaning of it all. With Aaron leading the way, they knocked on the door. They could hear music, voices, there were several people, and it was jolly. The anger welled in them both. They knocked again, and the door opened. Someone they'd never seen before stared back at them. They looked past him and saw her. Laughing while sitting on Jace's lap, she looked happy. Or high. Sometimes with cocaine they couldn't tell the difference. She held a martini glass in her hand. A snowflake martini. It was white with coconut and sugar around the rim. He only knew because he and Jennie had gone out to dinner after shopping one day, and she'd ordered the same thing. They didn't keep alcohol in the house for obvious reasons, and while his wife gave up her occasional fun and relaxing drink for her daughter's illness, her daughter skipped Christmas to celebrate with drugs and snowflake martinis. Aaron stepped in.
"Martini?" Another stranger offered Aaron, no one fully understanding anything because of the party going on. Aaron shook his head.
"I love this part!" Abby shrieked, pointing to the television. Jason and Aaron looked, lost among the party goers. They were watching Muppets Christmas Carol. Jennie's favorite movie and tradition with her kids. Another layer of anger and resentment piled up in Jason's heart. Jace stopped talking and watched it with her, his arm around her.
"Abby." She didn't know Aaron had called to her, she still didn't see them standing there. The dozen or so party guests were of both sexes and all ages. Even her dad didn't stick out.
"Sh! Hold on!" She said, not taking her eyes from the screen, and holding her hand up in a stopping motion in his direction. Aaron and Jason watched with her. They both smiled. It was almost like Christmas. They always watched the movie as a family on Christmas Eve morning. She hadn't been there, and so they hadn't watched it. The scene ended, and Abby finally turned to the voice that had called her. She smiled as she looked over, and then she went pale when she saw who it was.
"Oh Jesus." Jace muttered. She stood up quickly, spilling the martini.
"Abby!" Someone yelled. "Perfectly good waste of alcohol!" She didn't hear. And she didn't see anything but her dad and her brother. Things quieted down as everyone knew something was going on.
"That's our thing." Aaron said, pointing to the screen. He didn't cry, but he wasn't angry either. Her heart constricted. Even if her mirror neurons hadn't seen the emotions, she'd still have felt the pain. The twin thing was kicking in, though it rarely happened while she was high or drunk. The necklace she wore was new, Aaron noticed. And she had a wrap bracelet, black twine with a silver charm. He stepped forward and picked up her hand. She looked down as he did. It was a guitar and music notes. Perfect for her. Jace knew better than to say anything, but he smiled when he saw Aaron look at her bracelet and necklace. The necklace had a moon with stars around it. Silver on a silver chain. And Aaron understood what his dad had felt. Aaron really didn't want her to come home with them. He didn't want to force her to be with him when she'd rather be there. He looked her in the eye, not seeing any emotion there because her pupils were practically non-existent from the cocaine. He looked away and walked back to his dad. "We can go." He said quietly. "Sorry you wasted your time." And they left. Abby watched them walk away. Her brain on rapid fire, but not knowing what to do. Call him back and apologize? Even though she'd done this all on her own? When they left, the party started back up. Jace pulled Abby back down on his lap.
"Get the lady another martini!" He called out.