It has now been a week since our car date/movie day. We are back in classes for the second semester and Zev's work schedule has slowed back down again. We have temporarily been living in our respective apartments because of school, we still visited and stuff but half of Zev's classes are in the afternoon, and mine start early morning so we can't walk together. Plus paper and assignments are easier to keep at our own places instead of dragging them back and forth.
It was a crisp Thursday evening, or afternoon depending on how you want to look at it. The sun was almost set, despite it only being just past 5. Gotta love winter. It was also overcast so that's not helping either. Walking home from classes was sad and gloomy. It had snowed a little during my walk as well.
Currently, I was standing in my kitchen making a batch of cookies for Zev. I saw him yesterday. We crossed paths while I was headed home from class and he was heading to his first. He seemed pale, kinda out of it, he said everything was alright and brushed off my concerns. Maybe the new semester is getting to him, or maybe he's coming down with a cold. Either way, I'm sure these will cheer him up.
I placed the dozen now cooled cookies in a plastic container. I looked out the window that was over the kitchen sink. There was a gloomy rain-snow mix falling from the clouds.
I turned away picking up the container to head over to Zev's. I slipped on my light blue Colombia hoodie. It was warm, I didn't need to bring a whole winter jacket so this'll have to do. I slipped on my shoes, an extra key to Zev's place in hand and headed out the door. It was cold and wet. I don't like it. I usually like the rain, but maybe it was the part snow or the cold that just wasn't doing it for me. I locked my door behind me and walked two doors down. We really should have just become roommates in second year. It would have worked out so well, plus we would've saved some cash.
I unlocked his apartment and went inside locking it behind me. He wasn't anywhere to be seen. I looked around and placed the tupperware on the kitchen table. There was an odd atmosphere, I couldn't put my finger on what exactly it was though. It was so quiet, almost like he wasn't home. He could be in his room. I walked along the hardwood floor into his carpeted room, silence, but the bathroom door was shut, he's probably in there. As I was just about to call out to him I heard a quiet sob. Is he o-
I didn't even get to finish my thought before I noticed something horrific. Blood pooling under the door. I didn't even knock, I didn't care to. I heard him crying and there was blood under the door. I need to get to him as fast as possible. I pushed down on the handle with all my strength, and adrenaline, the lock mechanism poped and the handle gave. I flung the door open and I was met with a terrifying sight. Zev was sat on the bathroom floor naked from the waist down holding a razor. The side of his hip and bum was covered in fresh pink scars, but the thing that had my attention was on the four massive cuts open and raw. They were so deep and big. I-i've never seen someone so badly injured. I was standing in a puddle of his blood.
"Z-zev?" Is this real? He looked up at me in horror, eyes widening as shock stopped his tears. I dropped to my knees. "Zev what did you do?! Oh my god!" I started to cry myself. He so badly hurt. There was so much blood. "Why- what happened?!" My hands shook as I held them out trying to figure out what to do with them, my eyes shot up to Zev's who's looked drained, empty of life. "Zev!?" I cupped his cheek.
"I-i'm sorry. I know I promised you I'd never do it again, but I couldn't... my mind just kept replaying it, I can't..." His voice shook weakly.
"Hospital, you need to go to the hospital. Phone, phone," Shit I left my phone at home. "Zev where's your phone?" I was panicked. What do I do?
"No, don't, I'll be fine I just need to-" he attempted to stand but fell back down blood gushed out of his opened wounds.
"No, stay don't get up. Where's your phone?" Is he gonna die? No, he has to be fine it's too early.
"No, don't take me to the hospital, they'll lock me up in a psych ward, I need to finish this semester I can't lose this. I'm fine really," his voice was weak and continued to shake as he wiped away his no longer flowing tears. His eyes were glassy. Do I listen to him? I don't know.
"Stay here!" I stood up cover in blood and ran to the kitchen, I grabbed a whole container of orange juice from the fridge and the container of cookies I brought, I ran back to the bathroom, he looked up at me weakly. "Drink this and eat these please Zev, please. I'm going to grab my first aid kit, don't move please or I'll have to take you to the hospital. Please don't leave me," I cried.
"I-i won't please don't worry." I ran out of the bathroom, hearing his response as I past through the doorway. I ran out of the apartment two doors down back to my own. I wasn't thinking anymore before I knew it I was back in Zev's bathroom with my first aid kit. I don't know what happened.
He had eaten a few cookies and drank some juice. His eyes seemed to come alive again, regaining their shine.
"Why Zev, why?" I need to calm down, my hands are shaking so badly. I shouldn't be freaking out because that could freak Zev out but he seems oddly calm.
I got on my knees next to him, looking at the open wounds. How am I going to fix this?
"Jasper..." he spoke softly. "I'm sorry, don't get involved, leave and pretend you didn't see anything, I'll fix this." He weakly smiled at me.
"What the fuck no! Don't smile at me like that!" His eyes widened, I shouldn't be yelling at him either but I think I was in shock, I felt like I was outside my body.
"It's not good for you to see something like this," he hung his head almost in a shameful way.
"How the fuck could you ask me to not get involved?! To just turn the other way and possibly let you die, are you fucking crazy?!" Tears continued to stream down my face.
"I... I can't do it anymore," his calm tone broke and tears welled up in his blue eyes. "I'm sorry, I didn't want you to know, I broke the promise. I broke it about 100 times," he sobbed.
"Fuck the promise." His eyes went wide. "When I told you to promise me never to do it again I said to call me if you needed to. I didn't mean hide it from me to make me think you were alright and keeping the promise. I don't care that you broke your promise. I care that you're relapsing and hurting yourself again." I opened the first aid kit and took out butterfly bandages gauze and hydrogen peroxide. The bleeding had mostly stopped. I got the bottle of hydrogen peroxide and removed the cap.
"I know, but... It's bad Jasper, It's really bad. I can't stop." Seeing him cry this hard was really hurting me. I ran the liquid over his wounds pooling it on the white tiled floor with his drying blood.
"Are you depressed?"
"No..." I thought this is what you do when you're depressed, or some people at least.
"Are you... suicidal?" It was at the back of my mind 4 years ago but, I couldn't bear to ask these questions back then.
"No Jasper, I love life, I love you, I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life but it just keeps re-playing, I can't stand it anymore."
"What's re-playing?" What does he mean by that? I opened the butterfly bandages and started to place then on, pulled the open skin back together. I saw him wince. "Sorry."
"June 12 senior year." I paused. I don't know what that date means.
"What happened that day?" I was finishing up with the bandages closing up the wounds. He had so many scars over scars over scars. Is this why he always kept his clothes on during sex? Because he didn't want me to see?
He started to shake. Eyes going wide, he started to rapidly sweat. "Xavier, why are you doing this..." Tears started to fall down his cheeks.
"Who's Xavier?" I put my hands on either side of his face. "Zev!" He was looking right through me as though I wasn't there. "Zev, listen to me, you're alright!" What's happening, is he having a panic attack? "Zev!" I saw something change in his eyes. He was actually looking at me now. "I got you, you're alright. Okay, I got you." I hugged him. He raised his shaky hands around me.
"I-I'm sorry Jasper this is so pathetic, it almost happened again. I just can't get him out of my head," he sobbed on my shoulder still shaking like a leaf.
"Don't say that. You need to go talk to someone. I don't want to see you do this to yourself." It broke my heart.
"I want to talk to you, but I can't even think about it without slipping into an episode..." Episode? I've seen him go through one of those before. I had forgotten but it was the weird night of the camping trip. I thought it was just a nightmare, but I had an odd feeling because he usually sleeps so well.
"Do you think you can talk about it now, or later, or whenever you're comfortable. Are you feeling less light-headed?"
"Yeah I'm feeling better, thank you." He looked down. "I want to tell you now, you should know. If I start having an episode just splash some cold water on me, but I think I should be fine, I don't normally get them back to back." Normally? How often has he been suffering from this?
"Okay, only if you are 100 percent comfortable." The drying blood on myself and the floor was very unsettling, along with the now-closed wounds and pink scars.
"I'll never be 100 percent but this is good enough for now. I don't want to have to hide it anymore." I wish he hadn't felt like he needed to hide anything from me. He looked up into my eyes. "I didn't always know I was bi, I was but I didn't understand it. I liked girls all through middle school and even a little bit of high school. But in the mid 9th grade I met this guy..." He took a pause. "Xavier. He was my only friend through high school. I was awkward lanky and wasn't really good at anything, had no hobbies, no nothing. I was a loser, but he seemed nice and so I stuck by him. He was well-liked by most and people were surprised we hung out." I could see the pure heart ached and pain in his eyes. "As the years went on he grew to be the exact opposite of me. Tall, handsome, he had started to fill out, and I was 5,5 and 110 pounds with long black emo hair."
When I met Zev in first year he had been half a head shorter than me and was very thin. Now he's the same height if not taller than me by a centimetre or two. I didn't realize his highschool days were bad, for some reason I always thought he would have been the same outgoing cheerful Zev I know now. I guess not.
"I started to feel things for him. My heart would flutter, my cheeks would heat up whenever he came around. I was stupid. I trusted him with my life, but I couldn't see that he didn't feel the same about our friendship. He saw me as charity work nothing else, I apparently gave him a good reputation because he was helping a loser like me. I stupidly confessed June 11th and he wanted to meet up the next day... When I went to meet him at the park where we always met. He had brought a friend of his. The man must've been at least 23..." He stopped and started to shake again. I wanted to tell him he didn't have to say anything else, that he shouldn't because he clearly couldn't talk about it safely, but my tongue felt heavy.
"He... he told the man to hold me down and... and r-" He stopped again wiping tears from his eyes. "Rape me. I didn't want it. I didn't, but Xavier... his exact words were 'I thought you'd want this faggot, stop crying and take it. This is the closest you'll ever get to anyone actually loving something like you. Do you know how annoying it was having to pretend to be your friend for 4 years? You're nothing but a burden. When my buddy is done with you, why don't you go slit your wrists in the bathroom? I can promise you you won't be missed.' They left me naked and bleeding in the park. The thing is, at the time he was right, I wouldn't be missed with exception to my older sister. I loved him, he was the first person to ever make my heart flutter, and he paid his friend to rape me." I could hardly believe what I was hearing . "He had to 'pay' him to do it." I held his hand, how could something like this happen to him? My heart hurt, how could someone do something like that?
"I got diagnosed with PTSD from it. My parents wouldn't pay for the therapist because 'it was my fault for being gay in the first place' so I went without it. That's why I cut myself... in first year I failed a suicide attempt. It was the week after I made the promise to you. Then I stopped for good, at least I thought at the time. I was clean for almost 3 years. Then the week before we started dating, that guy got into my apartment. It brought back everything, and I've started having episodes again. If I cut myself it calms me down. I'm sorry I didn't tell you any of this before."
That Friday of our sleepover was the day that started his relapse? He's been through so much but still manages to keep a smile on his face. How? How is he so strong? I reached out and hugged him. "I'm sorry that you went through all of that. I'm always here for you, please don't keep your feelings from me anymore. You did not deserve that it doesn't matter what your parents thought. As for the guy you liked, he didn't deserve the flutter that your heart gave him. You're safe now." He continued to hold his body.
"I know. You really do make it all better. I normally only get episodes and nightmares when I'm alone or if something triggers it. You were the second person my heart has fluttered for. On the first day we met and all the future meetings. Thank you, you really did save me. I wouldn't be here without you. You were my first true friend since I was a child." He grabbed my shirt.
My own heart fluttered. It pains me horribly listening to what he's been through. I'm so glad he failed his suicide attempt "Zev I'm so glad I got to meet you, be friends with you and now love you. I pulled away caressing his cheek.
"You really are the best thing to happen to me. Thanks for always being by my side." He smiled softly. I'm still so worried. He needs to go to therapy, he can't keep having episodes and nightmares without getting professional help.
"I'll always be here for you I promise. Please don't hurt yourself anymore. If I hadn't found you when I did you could have bled out. Please next if you're having an episode or feel like you're about or anything really, call me, please. I can't see you hurt yourself like this. I love you." Just the thought of losing him like that breaks my soul.
"Okay, I'll do my best... would you mind doing me a favour?"
"Sure anything." I would actually do anything to ensure he was feeling okay.
"I- I don't want to bother you but could I stay with you? So I don't have to be alone?"
"Yes, of course. I'll go to your lectures with you if you'd like, anything."
He smiled. "You don't need to go that far. I wouldn't be alone in a lecture hall. Don't go out of your way, I'll just follow you around."
"I have no issue going out of my way for you." He's been through all that yet he still says he's happy, he still smiles and laughs. I hope those two monsters rot in prison, or if not I hope karma gives them the same pain they gave Zev along with the years of suffering.
"Good to hear," he chuckled quietly. "I need to get this place cleaned up, I'm really sorry about this. I never planned for this to happen like this. I just went too deep." He started to put on his underwear.
"Wait, here put this over the wounds." Passed him some gauze. He placed it over the wound the pulled up his briefs to hold them in place. It was a tough spot to bandage properly. This was probably the best it was going to get. It's going to leave massive scars. "I'll clean this up, you need to lie down."
"Jasper. I did this, let me take care of it." Why doesn't he understand?
"No Zev you've lost a lot of blood, if you start moving around you could pass out, just let me do it." I looked over the mess of blood. He had it on his hands and some on his legs.
"Okay," he said in defeat hanging his head low.
I opened the drawer and took out a black washcloth. I ran it under warm water then crouched back down to Zev. Taking his hand into mine and slowly wiped away the blood. He just watched me silently as I moved to the other hand, then his legs.
"Thank you, Jasper."
"You know, I still think you're beautiful." His eyes widened. I looked back down at the leg I was cleaning. "Even with the scars, it doesn't change anything..."
"No-" he sighed. "Thank you, that means a lot. I wish I didn't have the scars you know? They remind me of everything, but it's okay. You know how scared I was when you pulled up my sleeve 3 years ago?" He chuckled. "I thought I was gonna lose the only friend I had and you'd think I was a freak or something. I had no clue that you'd want to help me get better and overall just be so supportive. You really are the most kindhearted person I've ever met." He smiled, seemingly almost back to his natural cheery self.
"I would have never left you to keep doing that to yourself, especially since we became friends. I cared about you even back then." I finished wiping the blood from his skin and stood up rinsing it out in the sink. The red liquid seeped from the black cloth flowing around the sink before being sucked down the drain.
"Thank you for this." He tried to stand, he winced in the process.
"Here, don't move so fast, I don't know how those Band-Aids are gonna hold up." I held out my arm. He stumbled a bit, his head wobbling from side to side ever so slightly.
"Thanks, everything just went black for a second, I'm very dizzy. Looks like you were right once again." He giggled.
I just sighed, supporting his weak body firmly. I couldn't smile. I wish I could've been more positive but to be honest I was still very scared for him. What if the bandages don't work and the wounds open again and he bleeds even more. I really should take him to the hospital, this is so stupid. But at the same time, he doesn't want to go, and realistically I can't make him. We made our way to his bed which was straight out the bathroom door. Because the bathroom door was located in his bedroom he would still be able to see me and we could talk while I cleaned. As he wished I would not be leaving him alone. I also want to keep an eye on him and the wounds to make sure they heal okay.
"There you go." He got up on the bed laying on the side without wounds, which left him facing towards the bathroom. "Now like I said don't move around too much. I'm gonna grab the cleaning stuff just around the corner. That okay?"
He smiled half kidding his eyes. It caught me off guard. "Jasper you don't need to baby me," he laughed. "I just don't want to be totally alone for hours and hours on end. Do whatever you need to do, really don't worry too much." He tells me not to worry when he knows it's all I ever do.
"Okay okay fine, just checking...but I will just be around the corner for like 30 seconds." He rolled his eyes playfully.
I opened the storage closet that was just outside his bedroom door. Inside was a bunch of stuff, tools from work, shoes and what I was looking for, cleaning supplies. I took out a bucket, a mop and some floor cleaning soap.
I dragged all the stuff back to the bathroom putting it all down. I looked down at my own clothes and at the blood that covered them. I slipped my pants off and pulled my hoodie over my head, leaving me in my boxers and a maroon t-shirt. I threw them in the bathtub to deal with later. Zev's pants were also on the floor so I tossed those in as well.
Then I started to do my thing, cleaning the best I knew how. Throughout the cleaning process, I chatted with Zev. He was telling me how he would be going to therapy once every two weeks, and that he had already made the appointments. He also told me that the only reason he could afford to go now is because of the insurance benefits from work.
Eventually, he changed the topic, not wanting 'to talk about this depressing stuff anymore' and seemed to be back to his normal happy self. Soon I finished cleaning the whole bathroom, I did do a little extra just to make the room squeaky clean, you know scrubbing the bathtub, wiping down the mirrors, all that good stuff.
When I was done I hung up our rinsed-out clothes to dry so I could put them in the laundry basket. I put all the cleaning supplies back and headed back into Zev's room to sit on the bed next to him. He looked up at me as he lay on his side.
"Thank you, Jasper," he smiled brightly, maybe a little too brightly for our current situation. I laid down next to him looking into his icy blue eyes raising my hand to his cheek.
"When you smile at me like that, are you really happy or is it fake?" His smile dropped and his eyes looked away from mine.
"Well it depends, but for the most part when I smile at you I'm genuinely happy. It's really not hard for me to be truly happy around you, so don't worry you'd know if I wasn't actually happy. I'd be one hell of a pain in the ass." He laughed.
"Well as long as you're actually happy." I smiled at him.
"I am."