I barely speak the entire ride back. Instead I stare at the busy sidewalks and brightly lit signboards that splash the city with their vibrant colours. Ever so often Dalia's face would stare back at me as she promoted the latest shade of lipstick or skin care line.
It's impossible to think of anything else. My entire day has been filled with her. Her face, her smile, the memories everyone shared with her. It's hard not to think about it but the thoughts are poisonous as they plague my mind.
Why did she do it? Was all of this the reason why?
I steal a glance at the driver who is focused on the road ahead and then look over at my manager who is seated next to me. His thick black eyebrows are bunched together as he types furiously on his phone, most likely working with his media contacts to further publicise my appearance at the funeral.
There is a hollow feeling in my chest, like a cavern has opened up leaving me raw and exposed. I've been training for four years now. Four interminably long years. We train six days a week on thirteen to fourteen hour schedules per day.
"Can I ask you something?" I turn to Mr. Oh, realising I don't have a phone to do the math due to our no phone rule.
"Shoot," He says without looking up from the brightened screen of his iPhone 13.
"What's fourteen multiplied with six, multiplied with fifty two and then multiplied by four?"
At hearing this, he finally looks up. "What?"
"It's just a math question and I don't have a calculator." I shrug my shoulders trying my best to look pathetic.
"One second." He exits the chat group he was on and opens up the calculator app. "It's 17,472."
The breath is knocked out of me as I lean back against the window to gape at him. My throat feels dry as I add on two more years for Dalia since she trained six instead and PT entertainment is known for having the most gruelling training schedules.
"What does that number mean?" Mr Oh asks me curiously. His dark brown eyes are larger than the average Korean size and right now they remind me of almonds as he stares at my face.
"It's the number of hours I've spent training at Firefly."
At hearing this he lets out a low whistle. "That's a lot of blood, sweat and tears. For your sake I hope it's all worth it."
His words are like alarm bells that ring in my ears. Most idols from smaller companies would be lucky to win an award their first year. Even luckier if they lasted more than three years without disbanding.
Sweet Poison was a multi award winning group with millions -if not billions- of views on all streaming sites. Dalia had it made, all those years spent dancing till your knees hurt and singing till your voice was sore was worth it in her case.
She broke through, she became what all of us dream of. She became a superstar and she threw herself off her building suite in the middle of the night.
There were no cryptic posts prior to her death. No suicide note, no signs of struggle, no talk of her quitting the industry. Nothing to give any indication to how she really felt.
It seemed so surreal and I couldn't believe she would throw all that hard work away, especially since I had gone through the same gruelling schedules. The only thing that drives me is the dream of seeing myself on the debut stage and then if I'm lucky the Melon charts or maybe even the Billboard charts someday.
The nagging feeling never went away. I continue to ponder as to why she threw it all away and what could be so bad about her life - the dream life I've always wanted for myself - until we reach the large block shaped building with it's bright yellow luminescent signboard that read Firefly Entertainment.
Unlike the Big 3, no paparazzi ever lurked around smaller companies like ours unless our popular boy group Viva dropped by but I happened to know that they were currently on leave. So it surprises me that there are a few perched by the entrance.
"They must be here for you." Mr Oh murmurs looking at them in disbelief. "That's odd no one tipped them off. Which means they must have followed us."
His eyes light up gleefully as he stares at me. "My dear, you are making my job a dream come true."
My shoulders tense against the soft material of my seat and I lean forward to look at them. There are ten people standing by the small tiled walkway that leads to our building. They stand around looking bored as they adjust their camera lenses and video equipment.
"As much as I want to flaunt you in front of our company signboard I'd better ask our executives first."
I almost sigh in relief at his words and I don't realise I am holding my breath until he ends the call. The disappointment on his face makes my stomach flutter with hope.
"Change of plans. We're dropping you back to the trainee dorms. No lessons for today."
The flutter of hope evaporates almost immediately. I glance at his watch, noting that it is only six in the evening. If this were any other day I would be practicing my dance for the upcoming evaluation at this time.
"Mr Oh, my evaluation is in two weeks. I need to practice." I lean forward, my hands clasped together pleadingly.
The worry on my face must be comical because he simply laughs at me. "Oh please. You said it yourself, you've practiced 17, 472 hours already. Missing a few isn't going to hurt."
Oh, how wrong he is.
He gestures for the driver to take off and I can only watch hopelessly as we move further and further away from my regular dance studio. I can imagine the rest of my batch of trainees dancing hard in those very rooms right now, their hours clocked in now more than mine.
"Mr Oh, why didn't the executives want me to be photographed?" I just had to ask.
A flash of irritation crosses his face before he speaks hesitantly. "They said you've had enough publicity for now and they want to limit it before the final line up for the group is announced."
There it was, that stone of doubt he'd just catapulted my way, knocking me into my seat. Firefly Entertainment had announced that they were going to debut a new girl group in the coming months.
But they haven't announced the line up and even though I am currently in the news, that still isn't a guarantee that I will debut. This made me want to join the ongoing practices even more.
Once we reach the dorms, Mr Oh puts a hand on my shoulder, his gaze reassuring. "Enjoy this time off gifted to you. You did great today kid. I'll put in a good word for you, okay?"
I want to tell him that a manager's words don't mean much compared to the executives but I just don't feel like talking. So I give him a small smile and get off.
"There's a night market around the corner. Go for a walk, check out the food. Enjoy your freedom while it lasts."
The door slides shut before me and then drives away leaving me standing outside our dormitory. His parting words make me think of Dalia once again. There is no way she could stand here like me and go unrecognised.
Realising I have nothing else to do, I walk down the crowded stone foot path, bumping shoulders with other pedestrians. The city is crowded at this time of day. Most people have finished work and I see couples and families filling the restaurants.
The night market is bustling as well. Stalls littered with bright yellow light bulbs line the streets, the market must be about a mile long. I pass by a cart selling spicy fried chicken and then another selling soups and dumplings.
The smell of fried meat and hot soup fills the cold evening air, making my mouth water and stomach rumble.
"Yeppeun Yeoja (pretty girl), for you I give three sticks for two," The vendor holds out three sticks of deep fried tofu for me. It has been dipped in chilli and dark sauce and it looks so divine I can't look away.
"How much?" I ask as I dig into my bag but then I realise my card is with my manager and my small change is in my dorm room.
"20,000 won." He smiles and I bite my lip, feeling embarrassed.
"Umm, I'm sorry-" I start not knowing how to turn him down.
"Here, my treat." I turn to the side to see an outstretched hand, paying for my meal. He takes the packed tofu and places it in my hand.
"You didn't have to. I'm sorry, I will pay you..." My words trail off as I squint up at his hooded face. He is wearing a black mask that covers half of face but his eyes look familiar. I then notice the small beauty mark right under the outer corner of his left eye.
"Oh my God!" I jump back, the tofu nearly flying out of my hands. He has to grab me to steady me and then he pulls me away because people have started to stare.
"You're Jiho. From Viva," I exclaim in disbelief once we are out of the marketplace.
"Yes and you are Jina, from Firefly. Like me," His eyes crease together and I can imagine his magnetic smile even though his face is covered up. I've seen that smile a million times on television.
"You know who I am?" This day just keeps getting more bizarre.
"Of course. You're all over the news and you're the prettiest trainee so of course I'd know who you are."
My cheeks turn bright red and I immediately distract myself by stirring the tofu sticks in its packet. "Do you go here often?" I change the topic by gesturing to the night market behind us.
"Not as much after my debut but I used to a lot during my trainee days. Now it's kind of hard. I have to go like this and still you recognised me." He points to his hoodie and mask making me laugh.
"I think that makes it all the more obvious."
"You may have a point. Are you heading back to the dorms?" He pushes the soft brown hair away from his forehead and I find it hard not to stare. I've always found him the most handsome in his group.
"Yeah, I've been dismissed from practices for the day but it feels like I'm cheating, you know? Will probably head back and go through a dance routine or something."
"Oh, you were at the funeral today, weren't you? It must have been a long day, they were right to give you the rest of the day off," Jiho says in that deep voice of his. "Why don't we take the longer route back, you eat your tofu before the other trainees beat you down for eating fried foods, we talk, we get our minds off things and then you practice?"
I clutch the packet in my hand and stare up at him.
"But you don't even know me." I blurt out and then grimace. I could have worded that better.
He smiles again and this time it's obvious even behind the mask. "There's something called getting to know someone. You should try it some time."
I scoff as he leads the way. I put on a mask as well and we end up walking for about an hour. We don't discuss the funeral or any other heavy stuff. Instead we talk about trainee life and he tells me about the times he used to smuggle food into his dorm to share with his group mates.
"Friends are important especially when our environment is always so filled with stress. Hope you have some good ones. I think that makes all the difference."
I gulp down the drink he bought me, my gaze pensive as I stare up at the building we stay in. "I have one good friend. The rest are," I trail off for a few seconds. "Bearable."
He laughs at this. "There's always a bully."
He could not have worded it better.
"I'm surprised you still stay here. I would think Viva would have gotten a house by now seeing how successful you guys are."
He digs his shoe into a notch in the cement and puts his hands into his side pockets. "They're building a Viva house apparently but they want to film us moving in. Hence, the delay."
I notice his voice was a bit tight and wistful for a moment there. I glance up at the sky noticing it is dark already. I didn't expect us to talk this much.
"I should probably go," I point at the entrance to the girls dorms.
His beautiful dark eyes follow in the direction of my finger. "Yeah, I guess. It was nice talking to you. Hope we can do this again."
I nod even though I wonder if that will ever happen. Today was purely a chance encounter.
Throwing the drink in the bin, I get rid of all evidence, take off my mask and head to my dorm room. The sound of voices echo through the flimsy wood and I freeze when I realise the trainees are all talking about me.
Another update. Another question lol.
WHo's the best looking Kpop idol for you? Me: Cha Eun Woo but I have so many favourites they could make up a chapter.
hope you enjoyed and please vote/comment/share if you enjoyed :) Take care