***4 years ago***
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“Hey, sweetie.”
“Hi, dad,” I answered, mirroring the smile he had on – although mine was a less bright version of his. A lot less.
But if he minded, he definitely didn’t show it. “So,” he was now saying. “Did you enjoy your birthday?”
“Yeah, it was alright. It was fun.”
For a moment there, I was tempted to give in to the urge to go all in; to give him a detailed description of just how much fun it was. I wanted to tell him what Shay and Beck did at the party, and to tell him of Kent’s silly, yet pretty sweet present, and of mom’s…
That last part was just what my brain needed to snap out from its wishful thinking, and return to reality. And in that reality, I was reminded of just how I was supposed to feel about this person on the screen.
So, with that in mind, whatever urge that remained to tell him anything else, was soon to disappear.
“That’s great,” he mused, to which I simply gave a small nod, not bothering with a smile this time around.
What followed was an awkward silence. Well, at least until…
“What’s that?”
I followed his line of sight to the package that was resting on my large, white bear – Fluffy.
“Oh, that’s from Uncle Nate. I just got it this evening; apparently, there was some kind of delay with the delivery.” I felt my lips curl into a small smile just thinking of how nice it was of Uncle Nate to send me a present even though he was at the other end of the country.
But that was just Uncle Nate for you. He was always so caring, so spirited – he was a lot like my dad in that regard. Well, a lot like how my dad used to be.
But yeah, Uncle Nate was always so much fun to be around, which was why I couldn’t help but be downcast when he decided to move out. And it was particularly sad because he moved out at almost around the same time that mom did.
He moved out two nights before mom and dad broke the news of their divorce. He didn’t even say goodbye; I just woke up one morning and he wasn’t there anymore. It was almost like he disappeared or something.
When I tried asking about him, dad got really upset, and asked that I not mention Uncle Nate’s name to him ever again. Later, though, when dad wasn't around, Carla told me dad and Uncle Nate got into a big fight over some business deal gone wrong.
Although, even as she told me, I found it all a little hard to believe. For one, dad and Uncle’s Nate’s relationship was basically sibling goals – the both of them were really close. And second, sporty, artistic – that was Uncle Nate. But business minded? That didn’t sound like him at all.
But then, one could never be too sure. Besides, I noticed he’d seemed a bit secretive through those past months when dad was away on a business trip.
So, with that in mind, I concluded that it made sense that his acting that way was because he was working on a business venture. And Carla did say it was a business deal gone wrong. It sounded a lot like Uncle Nate to be so carefree to the extent of messing the deal up.
Now, however, I watched the look on dad’s face after hearing who the present was from.
He seemed to speak between gritted teeth when he said, “Nate?”
“Yeah, Uncle Na…”
“How dare that bastard send you a present?” He burst out – quite angrily if I might add, cutting off the rest of what I was going to say.
Stunned at his behavior, I wasn’t quite sure what to say. But he sure did.
“I want you to throw that out. Just get rid of it!”
This time, I wasn’t so silent anymore. “And why should I do that?”
“Brooke,” he started, looking like he was trying to calm himself, but if the warning edge in his voice was anything to go by, his efforts definitely weren’t paying off.
And honestly, he wasn’t the only one losing his cool now. “Uncle Nate put in so much effort to get this to me, and you’re asking me to throw it out like it’s some sort of garbage?” I questioned, not bothering to hide the fact that I thought his words made no sense.
“Yes,” he roared.“I don’t want you having anything of his. Is it a present that you want? I’ll get you as many as you want. But just…just…” His voice trailed off to a whisper now, and I could have sworn I caught a small crack there. “Just not anything from Nate, please.”
It wasn’t his pleading that made my features soften, but rather the way he did – voice weak, broken even, and features expressing a vulnerability that I’d never seen from him. Well, except for that time from last year when he admitted to cheating on mom.
And watching him, heaven knows that for a moment, a long moment, I wanted to agree with him. I wanted to tell him I’d do as he asked – that I’d throw the present out.
But in the end, what came out of my mouth was: “sorry, dad. But I can’t discard his present like that. Whatever problem you have with Uncle Nate is between you two. He never did anything to hurt me; he never did anything that’d lead to tearing me away from someone I love. So…”
I threw him a pointed stare before adding, “I’m not doing anything which can hurt his feelings. And I’m definitely not doing it for someone who has done the opposite of what Uncle Nate’s done for me.”
His expression after that was almost unbearable to watch. Keyword being ‘almost.’
I convinced myself that he deserved it; I convinced myself that seeing him in that way didn’t have any effect on me; I convinced myself that I didn’t regret saying those words.
He, however, simply gave a resigned nod. And just when I was beginning to think he wouldn’t say anything else, his voice sliced through. “I’m glad you enjoyed your birthday. Goodnight, sweetie. I love you.”
“Goodni…” The rest was left to trail off at the signaling beep of the disconnected call.
I spent a moment or two staring at the blank phone, before finally tossing it aside and laying down to sleep.
However, it took longer than usual for me to fall asleep that night. I kept tossing and turning in bed, a particular image haunting my mind – that look before he disconnected the call. It was filled with so much hurt. And knowing I had a part to play in it, didn’t help in making me feel any better.
But between all of that, another image popped in my head – that of mom crying into my arms, a broken mess. And that was enough to kill the nibbling feelings of guilt and regret inside me.
And like a mantra, I told myself: ‘he deserved it.’
I must have chanted myself to sleep, because the next time I became aware of my surroundings, it was a bright, sunny morning.
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‘He never did anything to hurt me; he never did anything that’d lead to tearing me away from someone I love. So, I’m not doing anything which can hurt his feelings. And I’m definitely not doing it for someone who has done the opposite of what Uncle Nate’s done for me.’
Those words replayed in my head like a broken record now. And the more it did, the more I was left with the strongest urge to scream – however, I seemed to have lost the ability to do so. The same way I’d lost the ability to feel mom’s hand which was now rubbing my hand as she explained something to me. And the same way I’d lost the ability to hear the things which she was explaining.
Everything just came to a stop. Hence, it took a few moments for me to finally find my voice.
“You and Uncle Nate, how did that happen?” The eerie calmness with which I spoke surprised me even more than the fact that I was able to speak at all.
Mom must have been surprised too, because for a second or two, she didn't say anything. But she was quick to get over her initial surprise, and was now saying, “when your dad left for that business trip to Japan for seven months, it was really hard on me, honey.”
She stared closely at me as she spoke – my face betrayed no emotion. I just stared back at her, waiting for her to continue. And she soon did.
“You know, I love your dad so much. Believe me, I never stopped loving him in these five years. But during those seven months, I was so lonely, and…and there was Nate. He was always around the house, always bringing a smile to my face with his stupid jokes and all.”
I felt my eyes subconsciously shut close – it was only for a millisecond, but it did. I just couldn’t help the sense of dread at what I knew was coming next.
“It was a moment of weakness,” she continued, voice breaking. “I didn’t know what I was doing; I was stupid.”
“Was it a moment or moments?” I asked, matter of factly. “Was it?” I repeated when she didn’t answer the first time.
“I’m sorry,” came her weak reply.
But that was enough to answer my question. What I felt earlier after that hallway incident, was like a teaser compared to what I was feeling now. It was as if something inside was being constricted until all that left was the searing hurt that threatened to suffocate me.
Still, I somehow managed to maintain that eerie calmness. “So, dad cheating on you was a lie?”
Again, her reply was the same damn: “I’m sorry.” Although, this time, it was accompanied by body wracking sobs. However, her crying was the least of my concerns at the moment.
“Why?” I found myself asking. “Why did dad tell me he…he…”
I tried to, I really did, but I just couldn’t get any further than that – the heaviness in my throat made it nearly impossible to do so.
Thankfully though, she seemed to grasp the rest of my unspoken words. Hence, her saying, “he was really devastated when he found out. And you have no idea how much it broke my heart to have hurt him like that. But then, after everything, he told me he didn’t want you finding out the truth because it’d break you as much as it did him. So…so, he took the blame that night. He didn’t want you to hate me.”
I thought back to that night again. The way dad couldn’t meet my eyes as he admitted to cheating, the way he was trying and failing to hold back the dam that threatened to overflow from his eyes.
And mom?
Her reaction to everything slowly started coming together. How she cried into her hands as dad spoke, and how she ran out of the room sobbing. But that wasn’t where it ended.
‘She stared at me for a long time, as though searching for something in my face – I had no idea what it was though. But she seemed content soon after, and the small smile on her face was proof.
“You’re right, sweetie. It’s…it’s all his fault. But I can’t help but feel bad about the fact that you’ll also be affected by this divorce.”’
I finally realized what she was searching for that night – hate. She wanted to know if I hated her, and was relieved to find that I didn’t.
‘Oh, honey, you’re all I have. I love you so much.’
Those were her words right after I admitted to hating dad for what happened. I saw it all now. It all made sense – the look on her face, and why she’d hugged me the way she did as she said that.
She was relieved that she still had me in her grasp – even though that came at the expense of dad being the sacrificial lamb.
Now, however, she was saying, “I understand that you’re surprised, sweetie. I get it. Believe me, I never wanted you to find out this way.”
I ignored the rest of what she said, choosing to focus on the one part that caught my interest.
“Surprised?” I echoed, voice low. “You think I’m surprised?”
“Well, I…”
But whatever she was saying was left to trail off when I sprung from the bed, yanking her hand off me as I did. This time, eerie calmness was out of the question.
My words came pouring in angry outbursts. “I don’t feel surprised, mom. Do you want to know how I feel? I feel like a total idiot! I spent all these years trying to hate dad for something he didn’t even do. All he ever did was love me and be good to me. And what did I do? I was always so mean, so inconsiderate, always finding reasons to make him look bad even though he was doing the best he could.”
Despite my best efforts, a slight croak came seeping into my voice now. “I only ever tried to hurt his feelings in the same way I thought he did with yours. Even when all I wanted was to be with him, I’d turn away from him. And it’s all because of you! I thought if I were to be close to him, then it’d be too unfair to you.
And now, you’re telling me he never even did anything wrong, but that you did. Do you even hear yourself? You lied to me and made a total idiot out of me!”
She shook her head in protest, the tears streaming down her face as she did. “No, honey, I…”
“Just stop! Please, stop now. You’ve deceived me enough already.”
“But I wanted to tell you,” she cried. “I wanted to tell you!”
“No, you didn’t,” I fired. “You never wanted to. You had five years to do that, and you never once did. I’m sure if it wasn’t for this slip today, you’d have been perfectly fine with keeping me in the dark forever. You'd probably still be happy playing the holier than thou mom who can do no wrong. You were fine with throwing dad under the bus to save your neck. You’re such a horrible person, mom.”
The last part came out as more of a sob. But she was way ahead of me in that department – her body shaking with furious sobs by now. But I wasn’t done yet.
“Is that why you joined the church? To find a new path? No, what you really wanted to find was an escape. You were hoping to hide away from all the horrible things you did by embracing God. But even with the big heart and kindness you say he has, I doubt he’d want to answer the prayers of someone who lies and deceives people the way you did.”
“No, honey,” she started, shaking her head in protest. “Please don’t say that, please. Fine, I admit that I never wanted you to hate me. I admit that I was happy that I wasn’t the one you despised. But all of that was because I love you and I didn’t want to hurt you. And I promise that I never intended to hurt your dad either. I love you both too much to want to do that.”
She desperately held on to my shoulders now, eyes boring into mine. The look in them was too heartbreaking to watch, but still, I did. In the same vein, I reached for her hands, gently prying them off me, and leaving her to stare wordlessly at me.
“What sort of love is that?” I questioned. “You hurt, lie, and deceive the ones you claim to love. What kind of love is that? If that’s really what you consider to be love, then I’d much rather not be someone that you love.”
“Brooke,” she started, but I’d already grabbed my purse from the bed, heading out without sparing her a glance, all the while ignoring her calls of: ‘Brooke! Honey! Please wait! Brooke!’
But I never once stopped – not even when I was out of the room. I basically half-ran out of the hotel, ignoring the concerned questions of the male receptionist.
I didn’t stop until I was getting in my car, and then resting my head on the steering wheel soon after. And only then did I allow the heart wrenching ache in my chest to come exploding in long, painful cries, with the only words I was able to manage being: “I’m such an idiot.”
How could I not see the truth all this time? Carla always told me I was being too hard on my dad, and had always urged me to be nicer to him.
Wait, Carla! Oh my god, she knew! She'd known the truth all along. And not only her, I’m sure Walter did as well; it was always there in his eyes whenever I spoke of my dad.
So, how could I not have seen it? How could I have been so stupid?
As I stayed hunched over, crying my heart out, I found myself replaying all of those things I’d said through the years.
‘And I’m definitely not doing it for someone who has done the opposite of what Uncle Nate’s done for me.’
‘I hate him for what he did. Only someone so selfish and uncaring can do something like that.’
‘Oh please, dad. You know you’re not one to play the moral high ground with me.’
‘I might not do as I’m told, but at least I’m not being a hypocrite like someone else I know.’
They were countless.
The more I remembered, the more regret gutted at my chest.
Dad had always been there; he never once left me. Mom was quick to get away after the divorce, as according to her, she wanted to find a new path. But dad was the one that stuck right beside me – even if it meant being there to receive my stupid hate.
god, what have I done?
I reached for my phone now, scrolling through the contacts. I stopped at five contacts, made to hit each one, but was never quite able to do so.
In the end, I tossed the device aside and revved the engine to life. Speed limit be damned, I had just one destination in mind.
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I drove the car to a halt, yet I didn’t step out. I just stayed, staring at the one storey house ahead. It wasn’t until minutes later that I braved to get out, sucking in a breath as I made my way to the white door.
Two rings later, and I was faced with just the person I was hoping to meet.
He had his headphones hanging down his neck, looking quite comfy in his batman shirt that hung loosely on his frame.
“Brooke,” he called, seeming pretty surprised.
Somehow, I was able to manage a small smile. “Hey.”
“Hey,” he answered, his features perking up in a smile of his own, which was soon to morph to concern when he got a closer look at me.
Next thing I knew were his soft hands cupping my face, with one moving to trace what I supposed were stubborn tear stains. “B, what happened? Are you okay? Shit, stupid question.”
Despite myself, that actually made me chortle. But the words that left my mouth were: “Hawk Gary Moose, I have something really important to ask you.”
His reply was immediate. “Yeah, tell me.”
The fact that he didn’t just say those worse, but that the look on his face showed that he meant them as well, warmed my heart more than you’d ever know.
And it also made it easier for me to proceed with what I had to say. “Are those ‘killer get better hugs’ of yours still available? Because I could really use one right now.”
I finished with a humorless chuckle that soon got hitched at the feel of a familiar pair of arms, wrapping around me. I didn’t say anything, and thankfully, neither did he. I just hugged him back, accepting the warmth he offered.
And right here, standing at Hawk’s door with the tingly night air gliding over me, I found that for the first time since leaving the hotel, I was finally able to breathe through the suffocating ache in my chest.