I can literally feel the creepy gazes of my beloved looney best friends as I slowly walk towards a very charming Julian Johansson. Have I ever mentioned that I'm a sucker for an all-black outfit? Plus, a relevant extra information is the fact that the model wearing the outfit is the main vocalist of EuphoNia who I happen to have a terrible, devastating and unbreakable crush on. Another supremely relevant information is the fact that I am going out with him (on a date?). It is safe to say that I am internally losing my shit and externally acting as cool as a freaking cucumber. The duality is real, I am not exaggerating.
Julian walks towards me with a huge smile on his face, his strides longer than my current mental stability. I feel my face split into an equally giant smile, but this is where things become weirdly funny. As I reach out for a friendly handshake, his arms position themselves in the form of a potential hug. So, we just end up crashing into each other in a way that I can't really explain without sounding like a lunatic. It looks like I'm trying to stab him with my pointy fingers and he is just embracing that possibility very happily. What follows is us taking a small step back as awkwardly as possible. Huh, the sun looks great. I wonder how the clouds look, maybe Julian noticed them better.
"This was memorable." Julian comments and I chuckle.
"Yeah, good to know we're on the same page about that."
"Look, we can just -"
"Shush." I stop him because I know what he'll say and there's no point in going down that road. And I will kill myself before walking away from a potential date with the possible love of my life. "Shall we?" I offer him my elbow, trying to act all cool and whatever. He looks at me and laughs, but luckily doesn't say anything. He just loops his arm around the elbow hook and we start walking together. Where to? I have no idea.
"So, we can take Vil's car to the main town, park it somewhere and just walk around, doing lame simple stuff. Sounds okay?"
"Lame simple stuff sounds awesome."
"Really?" He does look surprised for some reason.
"Yeah, of course. Trust me, I've been on a lot of non-simple dates and all of them were a combination of disappointing and overrated."
"Ah, I see." He hums. "Is there some guy I should have a talk with?" He waggles his eyebrows for some unknown reason.
"Calm down, we haven't even kissed yet."
Did I really just say that?
Where are the butterflies, I want to study the patterns on their wings before embarrassment knocks me out for good. I'm so grateful that Julian chooses to stop the conversation right there. I am lucky that way, he isn't Spencer 2.0.
We reach the car, which is a red hatchback, and settle inside without any unnecessary drama of him holding open the door for me or taking his seat once I have sat down. I really liked that, to be honest. It's sadly unconventional when it should be the norm. Imma just write it on my forehead: women don't need men to do things for them, thank you very much.
Julian reverses out of the parking lot and I pull down the window. Since the road is almost empty, it doesn't take us much time to reach the town. We talk about missing the other three Js and Julian mentions how he hasn't ever gone out without worrying about someone spotting him. I genuinely feel bad because I understand what it feels like to have eyes follow you everywhere.
"Vil loses his calm when people invade his privacy." He comments. "He'll go all snarky on social media and call it a day."
"Yes, I know." I chuckle.
"Right. I forget that you're a fan too."
"Wae? Never forget that. Do you want me to write it somewhere for you to remember?"
"No no." He laughs. "It's just that you three don't behave like conventional fans."
"What does that mean?"
"Umm. I should probably shut up before saying something problematic unintentionally. So, I'll just conclude by saying that you and your friends are a great company to be with."
"Likewise."
Julian parks the car in the basement of a cozy building and we get consumed by the sheer darkness of the hidden world. I switch on the light and we stay silent, suddenly super aware of the lack of space between us. I can literally hear him breathe and it's doing things to me.
"Don't laugh but I'm slightly afraid of going out there." He says and lightly rubs his earlobes.
I stare at him sans any pity. I understand the fear and I really want to do something about it. So, I undo my seatbelt and jump out of the car. I turn around before shutting the door and grin at him.
"Stay right here, I'll be back." I tell him and bang the door close before he can say anything.
Right, so. I walk into broad daylight and put my hand against my forehead to shield myself from sudden brightness. Wow, it is too dark in there. Good thing I got out before doing something I might regret later.
"I know I saw it." I mutter to myself as I quickly explore the tiny stalls scattered around me. I finally find what I had been looking for and smile to myself victoriously. I walk inside the stall and make a beeline for the seller. "Excuse me, could I please get two cloth masks?"
The man must be in his late forties or something, with ginger hair and a prominent mole on his right cheek. He smiles at me, nods and shows me a giant catalog of cloth masks, all of them pretty aesthetic and colorful. Now the problem is, I really suck at picking out stuff from a long list of options. That is why Spencer stays away from me when we have to place an order or something. It's like... I want everything but I also don't want the wrong thing, so I keep overthinking till Spencer actually screams and hits me on the head. It's the exact opposite when I have to pick stuff for someone else. I kinda know what they will like.
"Do you want me to pick for you, ma'am?" The seller asks and I look at him with unshed tears in my eyes. He takes away all the masks and leaves only two on the counter. One of them says GET, the other says OUT! So together, it becomes GET OUT!
"I love this!" I laugh, take the masks and pay for them. Very happy with myself, I hop my way to the basement thingy and find Julian coming out of it. I don't know why but I literally run towards him and push him back before he hits broad daylight, turning the whole thing into a hilarious remake of a Twilight scene. Oh my god, I just pulled a Bella Swan on him, which makes him my Edward Cullen. My teenage memories of loving that man come flooding back, it's almost cringey yet amazing.
"What the hell?" Julian laughs and stumbles, almost falling on the ground. "I forget how strong you actually are."
"Take this first and then, we can enjoy ourselves without entertaining the fear of someone spotting us for the tabloids." I hand over the mask to him and he looks at it.
"What is this, it's kinda dark here."
"It's a cloth mask. We can wear it and go out and have fun."
"You will wear a mask with me?"
"Of course." I say. "I need to protect my own identity as a swimmer too, you know?" I add, in case he felt uncomfortable or weirded out in any way.
He doesn't say anything but I do feel him wear the damn thing. As if the entire Twilight fiasco wasn't enough, he grabs my hand and interlinks our fingers together. My heart plummets inside my chest but I stay steady as he pulls me along with him and we go out, hand in hand, with bright smiles that stay hidden behind the cover of the masks.
* * *
"Wow, they actually have private compartments?" I ask as Julian tells me about the restaurant we are headed towards for our lunch. We walked around the town and clicked random pictures. He even encouraged me to get a temporary tattoo on my wrist - a simple heart with tiny leaves around the edges. Of course he didn't have to get one because he already has many to begin with. I was like... what's next? Eyebrow piercing? I mean, it's high time he gives up on those fake clip-ons and gets the real thing because clearly, he likes it.
"Yeup. When you live a life running away from cameras on a normal day, you tend to find such places." He answers.
"Understandable."
"I hope this isn't boring for you. The hiding and staying low."
"Will you stop asking me that again and again? I am not one of those people who compromise their comfort for the sake of someone else's fun. If I am standing here with you, it means I am not bored. Simple as that."
"Okay ma'am."
We walk silently for a while. The weather, as usual, is a blessing in full display and it's making me very happy. Our hands are still intertwined and I can feel his warmth seep into my own skin. It's weirdly intimate yet innocent at its core and I'm sure he can feel this too. At random moments, his hold would loosen up. But when I'd take that as a hint to let go, he would immediately hold on tightly. I didn't know what to do about this so after a point, I silently decided to not let go, no matter how loose his grip gets. We walk and swing our arms like genuinely happy children.
"Here we are." Julian grins as we stare at a series of connected buildings. I'm guessing it's something like a food street with a lot of restaurant options waiting in line. They don't look fancy at all, just comfortable and private. I like that, to be honest.
"Looks cozy." I comment and he nods. I match his pace as we start heading towards an outlet that is red and white in color and has ivy creeping over the walls. I can spot flower pots as well. Spencer and April would love this place, it is so aesthetic. We once went to a similar place back home which turned out to be too hard on our purse strings. But the experience and the food made it worth every single penny.
"You like it?" Julian asks, his face clearly telling me that he is nervous and hopeful at the same time. Why does he have to be so damn adorable, and that too, effortlessly?
"Love it." He reciprocates with a bunny grin. Still hand-in-hand, we climb the tiny steps to the main door and enter, only to come face-to-face with Julian Johansson himself.
"What the hell?" He exclaims as I burst out laughing. We stare at the giant cardboard cut-out of EuphoNia that stands in the middle of the reception area, right next to the desk behind which a lady is talking on the phone. This is so ironic, we hid our faces and walked around like some weirdos, only to run into the one thing that would spill water over the sweet dish.
"It's okay, don't remove your mask. I will do the talking." I try to snake out my hand from his grip but he doesn't let go. I wanna laugh. He genuinely wants to spend the day not as a celebrity and I can feel the desperation very prominently.
We walk towards the receptionist and I ask for a table for two. She stares at Julian for two seconds and I sense his tensed breaths. I simply ask her to make it fast and she snaps out of her reverie. We follow her to an enclosed eating area that reminds me of traditional Korean restaurants. The tiny square room has dim lights and a very aesthetic decor, hanging pots and portraits and everything. The woman subtly stares at Julian once again and I simply stare back at her because I know she is making him uncomfortable.
"Um, I will send someone to take your order. Please feel at home and have a good time." She bows and steps out of the room, closing the sliding door behind her.
"Wow, you really know how to scare people." Julian laughs as we sit in front of each other and I pour water in the glasses laid out on the table.
"I know how to remind people about their cringey behavior." I reply.
"Duly noted."
Julian doesn't remove his mask at all, which sucks because I feel like there's a wall between us. I don't complain because I understand his concern. The receptionist keeps haunting us every fifteen minutes and I get the strongest urge to punch her in the face.
"If she comes in one more time, I will put her head through the wall." I comment as I stuff my mouth with mushrooms.
"Calm down, soldier. Here," He half empties the pichard of lemon tea in my glass. "Slurp down your anger."
"I don't like it when people keep invading the privacy of others. Like, do they not see how uncomfortable they can make someone feel?"
"Privacy and personal space are the concepts that haven't received enough recognition."
I pout. I mean, what else can I do anyway?
"So, is April okay?" Julian suddenly asks.
"As in?"
"The whole Jeremy and Vilhelm thing."
"Aah." I can't believe he actually asked about this because usually, no one really bothers about how the people stuck in a love triangle feel. It just becomes a source of entertainment from a distance. "She'll be fine, I'm sure. She just needs time to figure things out. She worries that she is ruining a friendship."
"What?"
"Yeah."
"Why on earth would she feel like that? I mean, not like something happened to their friendship or anything... But, even if it did, it's not her fault. Whatever happens between two friends has nothing to do with a third person."
"Exactly... but it's not that easy, I understand that. Plus, April is like that... It's easy for her to take the blame and resolve things because she intrinsically wants everyone to be happy. And if that doesn't happen, she sometimes feels that it's her duty to make things right."
"Just let her know that everything is cool between Jer and Vil. Jer literally asked him to get his head out of his ass and realize that he might have feelings for April."
"He said something similar to April despite being hurt..."
"I guess that's what a brother does."
We finish our food under the influence of a comfortable silence.
* * *
"I think it'll rain. Should we call it a day and go back?" I ask as another thunder sends a shudder down my spine. The sound scares me generally and I think I'll start jumping pretty soon. We are walking randomly along a long stretch of old architecture, staring at absolutely nothing. It's a little past sunset and the color of the town is slowly merging with the brightness of lights. The buildings are tall, with very interesting carvings and designs. Most of them tell a story while others are simply artistic and pleasing for the eyes. I don't really know how this happened but Julian's arm is lightly draped around my shoulders while mine is trying to stay around his absolutely perfect waist. I don't understand how a guy can have such a perfectly sculpted waist... It's unreal.
"We can do that. Or we can go and check out this one thing I planned for you." I look at this man right next to me.
"You planned something for me?" I ask and he hums in the affirmative. I don't know if I should cry or scream with glee. "Okay then, let's go and check it out." I should get an award for being able to hold my shit together in front of him.
Julian and I literally hop our way to the car and he pulls out of the dingy parking lot that somehow managed to get some lights. The sky is dangerously cloudy and the thunder is doing nothing to ease my anxiety. I love the rain but hate the noise that it usually brings.
"You wanna wear my earphones?" Julian asks as we settle inside the car and wear our seatbelts. "I noticed all the wincing." Can't say I'm surprised.
"No... I'll be fine, don't worry. Let's go to this place, I'm curious."
"Okay."
The fact that Julian plays loud music all the while he drives makes my heart race. The music is so loud that I can see the bright lightning sparks but can't hear the thunder. Kyle never did that. Instead, he kept telling me that my fear is irrational because technically, the loud sound can't physically harm me so I should just "get over it." What Julian did feels new and emotional for some reason and I don't mind it at all.
Ugh, Spencer is the one on her period so why am I being emotional?
Julian drives through a narrow road that goes slightly uphill. It's fully dark now and I guess we have moved farther away from town because I can suddenly feel the cold. We keep going and the thicket of trees slowly opens into a flat land. Julian parks the car in a corner and I stare at the openness of the space. Okay what now?
I get out of the car and walk towards the edge, which literally opens into a void. I can hear the sound of the waves, which perhaps makes this place a vantage point to just sit and look at the sea. There are some benches facing the sea and a dim light hangs over like a lamp. I turn around to tell Julian that the place is awesome, only to find him walking towards me with a guitar in his hand.
I think I died.
Julian holds my hand and pulls me towards one of the benches, making me sit next to him as he balances the guitar on his lap. I am too stunned to say anything so I just watch him as he tunes the guitar manually.
"You told me that you liked it when I sang my single during that live session. So, I thought that maybe I should do an in-person live version of the same song before it's too late."
"You're going to sing for me?" I ask, unsure of what is happening, and assume that the mask covering half of his face is simply causing miscommunication between us. Because why on earth would Julian freaking Johansson sing for me?
He doesn't say anything. Instead, he starts playing the guitar and his insanely unrealistic voice follows the tune. I am unable to notice the loud thunder that acts like unnecessary background music and simply get lost in this one moment. I can't see his face but his eyes stay focused on me, which makes my heart rate escalate to a new level. I am not an impulsive person, I overthink before doing anything. I am more rational than emotional, but never have I felt this way. How on earth did I end up with this person, out of all the people alive on this entire planet? This was supposed to be a laid back girls' trip but it took a completely different turn.
It's fate. Nothing else.
When Julian finishes the song, I don't say anything and just stare at him. I feel a light drizzle brush against my skin as I lean forward, slowly pull out the mask from his face as if asking for permission, and kiss him before pulling away slightly. His expression is unreadable and for the next few seconds, the rain fills the silence between us. I feel the coldness of it all seep through my skin as I start overthinking and almost kill myself, but that doesn't happen because Julian saves me.
He saves me from myself by wrapping his long, beautifully sculpted fingers around the nape of my neck, gently pulling me closer to him, and kissing me, his other arm effortlessly putting the guitar aside and finding my waist. He gently lifts me up and settles me on his lap as my arms wrap themselves around his neck. The distance between us is as long as the width of my hair and my entire body jolts awake with a shiver that isn't uncomfortable at all... a shiver that tells me this isn't wrong at all, at least in this very moment.
I can think of a hundred reasons why this moment would break hell upon my head but to be very honest, I don't really care. Because sometimes, it is okay to just be in the moment and let go of all your inhibitions no matter what the norm says. We deserve to be impulsive and reckless once in a while.
So, I completely disown my nagging conscience as I let Julian Johansson kiss me under the rainy sky.
* * *